Acting with Power

Power is the role we play in other people’s lives, and we all have it in one way or another. How do we use it to guide, connect, and protect?

1. Power Exists in Every Relationship

Power isn’t reserved for monarchs, executives, or those who appear to be at the top. It exists in every type of human relationship. Power arises because people depend on each other, creating opportunities for influence and control based on needs, circumstances, and proximity.

For example, in a parent-child relationship, both parties hold power: the parent can make decisions for the child, yet the child holds emotional power by being able to give or withhold affection or respect. At work, a boss holds positional power, but a talented employee has negotiation leverage through their skills and external demand.

How power manifests depends on the nature of the relationship. Recognizing this shared dynamic allows us to move beyond stereotypes of power as something hierarchical. Instead, power becomes an ongoing exchange and negotiation. Knowing this opens up strategies to use power for mutual benefit instead of dominance.

Examples

• A driver withholds parking to control another driver’s actions.
• A child, though seemingly powerless, can profoundly influence a parent’s emotions.
• A skilled employee leverages their desirability to negotiate better career terms.

2. Playing Power Up Protects Others

"Playing power up" involves asserting authority visibly and confidently. This might include commanding attention, enforcing decisions, or interrupting when necessary. While often seen as domineering, this approach can be appropriate when used to champion the greater good.

This strategy works when used to protect a group or guide it toward achieving a shared goal. For example, a leader might use power up behavior to silence a dominant voice in a meeting and create space for quieter team members. Similarly, a teacher may establish authority in a classroom to promote order and respect for shared learning.

When using this approach, the intent matters greatly. Playing power up solely for show or to intimidate leads to distrust. However, when it’s clear that it safeguards collective interests, others perceive it as confidence and fairness rather than arrogance.

Examples

• A project lead redirects a monopolizing speaker to ensure everyone can contribute.
• A doctor speaks authoritatively to calm a panicked patient and provide clarity.
• A judge ends unnecessary interruptions during court proceedings to maintain focus.

3. Playing Power Down Builds Trust

Leaders don’t always show their power by putting it on full display. Sometimes, they amplify their influence by intentionally playing power down. This involves humility, self-deprecation, or deferring to others to create connection and trust.

For instance, a manager might admit to not knowing something to let their team shine or express vulnerability to relate more authentically. Playing power down humanizes power holders and fosters collaboration. This approach also signals respect and empowers others to contribute without fear.

However, playing power down demands sincerity. Pretending to be less capable or knowledgeable can backfire and erode trust. Done well, it can strengthen teamwork and loyalty, as shown by the Sequoia Capital partners dressing in silly costumes to connect with a potential hire.

Examples

• A team leader admits flaw or ignorance to encourage team problem-solving.
• Famous venture capitalists dress up playfully to make a recruit feel comfortable.
• A teacher asks students for help understanding a topic to empower learning.

4. Treat Roles as Characters to Embody

Taking on new roles can feel intimidating, like stepping onto a foreign stage. Here, actors offer valuable lessons for embracing unfamiliar authority. They use imagination and physical cues to internalize roles, a process anyone can adopt to develop confidence.

Through “The Magic If," actors ask how they’d act if they were someone else. For example, someone nervous about public speaking might imagine embodying an eloquent public figure they admire. Props and costumes reinforce this mental transformation. Wearing a sharp suit or carrying a leadership notebook can trigger shifts in mindset and perception from others.

In professional or personal transitions, replacing self-doubt with imagination techniques helps align behavior with role expectations while reinforcing the visual signals of competence or authority.

Examples

• A newly promoted manager imagines “as if” they are already confident.
• Wearing formal business attire enhances one’s sense of professionalism.
• Carrying an important notebook signals attention and precision to others.

5. Supporting Roles Deserve Dedication

Not everyone can be the lead, but supporting roles carry significant power when performed with dedication. Rather than seeing them as stepping-stones, supporting roles are opportunities to elevate the group’s mission or goals.

For example, even if a rocket ship seat doesn’t seem appealing—as Sheryl Sandberg initially thought about her job offer at Google—it can create broader opportunities. Supporting roles become impactful by focusing on delivering results that benefit the organization.

Dedication to the craft, prioritization of team goals, and voluntary sacrifices, such as covering gaps or extra work, help earn trust and respect within a group. These behaviors demonstrate true commitment beyond personal recognition.

Examples

• A team member stays late to finalize a critical project ahead of a deadline.
• Sheryl Sandberg joins Google after recognizing its role’s potential long-term impact.
• A subordinate calmly handles a failure without trying to shift blame.

6. Address Anxiety Through Practice and Presence

Occupying a powerful role can feel overwhelming—just as actors experience stage fright. Learning to calm nerves and build confidence helps individuals take authority gracefully. Rehearsals, physical warmups, and outward focus are potent tools for this.

Actors practice repeatedly, incorporating costumes, props, and stage movement into their sessions to make roles second nature. Similarly, leaders rehearsing speeches or presentations gain mastery and ease. Pre-performance warmups like stretching or breathing exercises dispel anxious energy.

Rather than worrying inwardly about potential flaws, shifting focus to others fosters engagement. For instance, connecting with team members’ emotional experience eases stress while deepening group rapport.

Examples

• Public speakers rehearse talks using props and gestures to feel prepared.
• A CEO practices confidence-building routines before addressing the board.
• Actors focus on surrounding elements—co-stars or stage design—rather than personal jitters.

7. Spot and Disarm Bullies

Bullies often abuse power to mask insecurities, leaving victims disempowered and isolated. To combat this behavior, first recognize warning signs: persistent criticism, boundary pushing, or targeting others in secluded or unregulated spaces.

If confrontation arises, maintaining composure and calm detachment denies bullies the reaction they crave. Simple, grounded responses derail their narrative of control. Speaking up about behavior calls attention to it, shifting power away from perpetrators.

If bullying escalates, reframing the experience protects against self-blame. Recognizing that mistreatment is reflective of others’ failings, not personal shortcomings, restores agency and prevents prolonged harm.

Examples

• Avoid private encounters where bullies may exploit informal dynamics.
• Stand up for small infractions to signal boundaries and deter future behavior.
• Redefine victimhood by acknowledging that abuse stems from others’ flaws.

8. Lead by Guiding and Protecting

Top leadership carries immense implications for everyone involved. Responsible leaders set vision and ensure collective safety, acting as protectors rather than unilateral decision-makers. They model and enforce acceptable behaviors and secure environments.

Guiding mission clarity helps teams align actions and focus. Equally, addressing a power abuse quickly—as the U.S. Air Force Academy lieutenant general did against racism—demonstrates moral leadership. By promoting others who share values of service and cooperation, long-term accountability strengthens organizational culture.

Choosing warmth and skill as primary leadership traits fosters a climate doubly grounded in humanity and effectiveness.

Examples

• A leader reprimands harmful workplace incidents immediately and publicly.
• A hiring executive prioritizes candidates driven by team success over personal gain.
• Leaders who craft inspiring collective goals sustain durable company ethos.

9. Power Is a Shared Opportunity

While power may seem individualistic and finite, genuinely effective power arises collaboratively. Both up and down strategies continuously redefine leadership beyond authoritarian command, speaking toward inclusion and long-lasting mutuality.

Combining assertive moments with bridge-building behaviors builds layered influence adaptable across scenarios. Power doesn’t remain static but flourishes through role flexibility. Whether guiding teams, fortifying trust, or countering harm, intentional shifts personalize authority without losing its substance.

Ultimately, power thrives when aimfully decentralized, amplifying results.

Examples

• Reciprocal feedback sessions empower groups toward equitable collaboration.
• Interdepartmental transparency furthers joint innovation without hoarding credit.
• Co-leadership approaches distribute influence fairly over shared responsibilities.

Takeaways

1. Rehearse tough transitions by stepping into character: mentally adopt traits or symbols associated with confidence.
2. Know when to assert loudly and step back humbly: balance when trust-building outweighs command versus efficient directive need.
3. Champion fairness or intervene where disempowered individuals rely secretly amidst shadowed abuses; each proactive moment reclaims collective strength.