Ask For It

"Knowing what you want is the first step in asking for it—and getting it." Linda Babcock's Ask For It challenges you to take control of life's negotiations, from career moves to personal decisions.

1. Discover Your True Desires By Evaluating What’s Missing

Many people, especially women, struggle to articulate what they truly want due to societal pressures and ingrained expectations. Women are often socialized to prioritize others' needs over their own, which can obscure their own ambitions and dreams. This makes identifying missing elements in your life a challenging but necessary process.

To address this, take a step back and reflect on what brings you joy or fulfillment. Consider revisiting past hobbies or interests that once brought passion into your life. For instance, Michele, one of the author's friends, had everything she needed to succeed externally but felt something was lacking. She rediscovered her love for art and added creativity to her daily routine, balancing her life.

The first step toward meaningful negotiation is understanding what truly matters to you. Whether it’s a new career direction or reallocating time to passions, starting from a place of personal clarity strengthens your ability to ask for what’s important.

Examples

• Vanessa realized her teaching job wasn’t fulfilling and launched a landscaping business based on her love for nature.
• Michele balanced her demanding career by reconnecting with her love for drawing.
• Reflecting on life’s “gaps” can unveil options that align with your core aspirations.

2. Women Often Feel Powerless—Change That

A pattern identified by research is that women commonly feel as though external forces, not personal efforts, control their lives. This belief leads to passive behavior in situations where they could negotiate for change, such as asking for better pay or conditions.

Studies conducted globally revealed that this mindset isn’t exclusive to one culture. For instance, many women saw their salaries as a reflection of the employer’s judgment rather than something they could influence. In workplaces, men were significantly more likely than women to believe they determined their own value and were responsible for negotiating fair compensation.

This learned helplessness results in fewer women advocating for raises or promotions compared to men. To break free, women must embrace the mindset that they play an active role in shaping their lives, taking the next step by learning negotiation strategies.

Examples

• In studies, 85% of men in workplaces held themselves accountable for securing fair salaries, while only 17% of women believed the same.
• The lack of negotiation often reinforces existing pay gaps, as employers pay based on precedent rather than fairness unless challenged.
• Understanding that passivity gives control to others encourages women to recognize their influence.

3. Negotiation Happens Daily—Be Ready

Negotiation is not limited to boardrooms or legal contracts; it’s something we all do in everyday life. Asking for a preferred table at a restaurant or a flexible work schedule requires negotiation, making it an essential skill.

Preparation is vital for any negotiation. The concept of a BATNA, or Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement, helps by giving you a fallback plan. For instance, when negotiating salaries, having another job offer on the table shows potential employers that you are prepared to walk away. It can even encourage them to meet your terms.

By approaching negotiations as exchanges of information instead of battles to win, you can reduce tension and keep talks constructive. Listening closely to the other party empowers you to make offers that are mutually beneficial.

Examples

• Asking for a crouton-free salad and getting it teaches confidence in voicing simple requests.
• Planning a BATNA, like having another job lined up, strengthens any professional negotiation.
• Skilled listening during discussion creates solutions that satisfy everyone involved.

4. Use Information As Your Greatest Tool

Success in negotiation relies heavily on being informed. Negotiators who provide relevant facts, figures, and comparisons are far more likely to have their requests taken seriously than those who rely on emotional appeals alone.

For example, if you ask for a raise, citing data on the market rate for your position or comparing your salary with industry competition makes your case more compelling. Without supporting information, you may undervalue yourself, risking a smaller outcome.

Additionally, many women tend to underestimate their worth during conversations about pay, asking for modest improvements rather than daring ones. Using solid information can bolster confidence and encourage bolder negotiations.

Examples

• A request for a 15% raise is stronger with evidence of competitors paying 15% more for similar roles.
• Studies found women negotiated bonuses nearly 20% less than men when lacking detailed salary benchmarks.
• Compare salaries in similar organizations to reinforce your financial demands.

5. Understand the Other Person’s Perspective

Negotiating isn’t only about your needs; understanding the priorities of the other party is equally important. Focusing on only your demands may strip you of opportunities to reach agreements that suit both sides.

Imagine Twyla, an aspiring director negotiating book rights. She assumed the author cared most about money but overlooked his desire for creative integrity. Addressing what mattered to him—not just her financial pitch—could have sealed the deal.

Asking questions and paying attention to others’ goals can reveal leverage points. This approach also builds trust and positions you as someone genuinely invested in fair outcomes.

Examples

• Twyla failed to consider that the author valued how his story would be portrayed, not just the money.
• An employee striving for promotion succeeded by highlighting her unique market expertise.
• Aligning with others’ goals can turn opponents into collaborators during hard conversations.

6. Cooperation Beats Competition

Negotiations often paint a “winner” and “loser,” setting the stage for adversarial exchanges. Women, however, excel in collaborative approaches that make room for win-win solutions.

Take a couple debating vacations: Sophia dreams of beach lounging, James prefers mountain adventures. Instead of choosing one destination, blending preferences—like Costa Rica’s mix of beaches and hiking trails—leads to a satisfying result for both.

This cooperative spirit exemplifies interest-based negotiation, focusing on stakeholder needs over entrenched positions. It encourages creative problem-solving that yields better outcomes.

Examples

• Sophia and James designed a vacation suiting both travel goals instead of compromising.
• Pairing reduced teaching duties with career leadership helped the author balance her workload.
• Mutual cooperation prevents one party from feeling unfairly disadvantaged after agreements.

7. Tone Matters—Especially for Women

Women are under scrutiny in negotiation not just for what they demand but how they demand it. When a female negotiator comes across as too bold or direct, she risks being labeled unapproachable or “unlikeable.”

Alexandra demonstrated this when applying for a design job. Despite her strong qualifications, her confident tone made the hiring manager doubt her teamwork capabilities. For women, balancing assertiveness with friendliness is often necessary to navigate biases.

Using open body language, friendly tones, and positive language ensures smoother communication without sacrificing your requests. While unfair, softening your approach may yield better outcomes.

Examples

• Alexandra’s confident tone in salary talks led to mistaken perceptions of aggression.
• A study revealed women are 50% less likely to succeed when presenting demands aggressively.
• Men excused boldness as “assertiveness,” yet women need diplomacy to avoid rejection.

8. Keep Focus On Your Goals

Setting your sights high improves negotiation outcomes. Research shows that aiming for an upper-end target during discussions often results in better financial returns compared to conservative goal-setting.

However, patience is key. Rushing through the process can leave terms on the table, while taking the time to listen and reevaluate strengthens your clarity and control. Maintaining steady momentum prevents hasty compromises.

Use each step—state your desired outcome, reflect on responses, and adjust strategically without losing composure—to secure an agreement closer to your ideal.

Examples

• Studies reveal focusing on upper targets increases average salaries by 11-13%, boosting overall income.
• Salary negotiators who aim high consistently outperform those expecting bare-minimum raises.
• Slowing a negotiation’s pace gives both sides room to reconsider offers thoughtfully.

Takeaways

1. Gather evidence before every negotiation: Market data or performance records lend weight to your arguments.
2. Remember empathy strengthens deals: Understanding others’ needs improves outcomes for both parties.
3. Aim higher than you think: Don’t undercut yourself early; leave room for adjustments while staying assertive.