Briefly Perfectly Human

Introduction

In "Briefly Perfectly Human," Alua Arthur, a leading death doula, presents a compelling case for embracing our mortality as a means to live more fulfilling lives. Far from being a morbid exploration, this book offers a refreshing perspective on how acknowledging the inevitability of death can lead to a more intentional and authentic existence.

Arthur's journey from dissatisfied attorney to death doula began with a chance encounter with a terminally ill traveler in Cuba. This transformative experience led her to found Going with Grace, an organization dedicated to helping people navigate the end-of-life process. Through her work, Arthur has gained invaluable insights into the human experience of dying and the profound impact it can have on how we choose to live.

The Role of a Death Doula

A Compassionate Guide Through Life's Final Chapter

Death doulas, like Arthur, provide essential support to individuals and families facing the end of life. Their work goes beyond the practical aspects of dying, such as medical directives and memorial planning, to address the emotional and spiritual needs of those approaching death.

One of the most crucial aspects of a death doula's work is helping individuals reconcile their lived experiences with their unfulfilled wishes. This process of addressing regrets and unresolved issues is vital for achieving a sense of peace and dignity in one's final days.

The Emotional Toll of Caregiving

Caring for someone at the end of their life is an emotionally demanding task, often leaving caregivers feeling isolated despite the universality of the experience. Death doulas not only support the dying but also provide much-needed assistance to caregivers, helping them navigate the complex emotions and practical challenges that arise during this difficult time.

Embracing Mortality for a Fuller Life

Shifting Perspectives on Death

Arthur argues that our society's tendency to avoid discussions about death is counterproductive. By confronting our mortality, we can:

1. Gain clarity on our values and priorities
2. Strengthen our relationships
3. Make more intentional use of our time
4. Reduce fear and anxiety surrounding death

This shift in perspective allows us to approach the end of life with greater grace and acceptance, both for ourselves and our loved ones.

The Importance of Death Literacy

As Arthur points out, many of us will find ourselves in the role of an informal death doula for a loved one at some point in our lives. Developing death literacy – the knowledge and skills needed to discuss and handle end-of-life issues – is crucial for creating a community where death is acknowledged openly and handled with care and respect.

Key aspects of death literacy include:

• Understanding medical directives and legal documents
• Knowing how to plan a funeral or memorial service
• Developing active listening skills
• Learning how to provide emotional support during difficult times

By improving our death literacy, we can better support our loved ones and create a more compassionate society overall.

Guiding a Loved One Through Death

The Raw Humanity of Dying

When someone is nearing the end of their life, they often display the most intense and raw aspects of their personality. This can include both their greatest virtues and their most challenging flaws. It's important to remember that the dying person is not only facing their own mortality but also grieving the loss of everything familiar to them – their world, relationships, and memories.

Providing Emotional Support

Being present for someone in their final moments is a profound form of support. It requires:

1. Acknowledging their fear and emotional pain without taking it personally
2. Offering grace and understanding as they navigate complex feelings
3. Practicing patience and self-compassion

Self-Care for Caregivers

Caring for someone who is dying can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It's crucial for caregivers to:

1. Check in with themselves regularly
2. Ensure basic needs like eating and resting are met
3. Communicate their own needs openly
4. Seek professional support when needed, such as from death doulas

The Honor of Witnessing Final Moments

Staying present during a loved one's final moments is both challenging and profoundly meaningful. It's natural to feel the urge to dissociate or distract oneself due to the emotional intensity. However, maintaining a sense of presence, focusing on thoughts of love, care, and gratitude for the person's life, can make the experience a beautiful farewell.

Planning Ahead for End-of-Life Care

Initiating Difficult Conversations

Starting discussions about end-of-life planning can be daunting, but it's essential for ensuring peace of mind and easing potential burdens on family members. Here are some steps to begin these important conversations:

1. Schedule a family meeting, either in person or through a digital platform
2. Use current events or news stories related to health issues as conversation starters
3. Take the lead in organizing these discussions, especially if you're an older relative

Creating a Comprehensive Plan

When planning for end-of-life care, consider the following:

1. Prepare a checklist of topics to cover during family meetings
2. Choose a health care proxy – someone you trust to make medical decisions on your behalf
3. Outline your wishes for a living will
4. Complete a durable power of attorney for health care
5. Distribute copies of important documents to relevant parties

The Ongoing Nature of End-of-Life Planning

Recognize that these discussions are complex and may require multiple conversations. Regular family meetings can help build a supportive communication framework, allowing you to address emerging needs gradually and avoid rushed decisions during crisis moments.

Finding the Right Death Doula

The Importance of Compatibility

When seeking professional support from a death doula, it's crucial to find someone whose approach aligns with your belief system, whether religious, spiritual, or secular. Consider the following when selecting a death doula:

1. Investigate their training and background
2. Pay attention to the emotional space they provide during initial interactions
3. Assess the rapport built from the outset

The Value of Professional Support

While developing personal death literacy skills is important, professional death doulas can provide invaluable assistance during end-of-life experiences. They offer:

1. Emotional comfort
2. Practical help
3. Guidance in ensuring the dying person's wishes are respected and fulfilled

Confronting Grief and Death Phobia

The Pervasive Nature of Grief

Grief is an inevitable part of life that can manifest in various aspects of our existence, including:

1. Work performance
2. Relationships
3. Addictive behaviors
4. Physical health

Recognizing and addressing grief is crucial, as unresolved grief can have long-lasting negative impacts on our well-being.

Overcoming Death Phobia

Modern society often exhibits a phobia of death, stemming from outdated thinking that avoids acknowledging mortality. This avoidance can lead to:

1. Rushed actions following a death
2. Reluctance to discuss or confront the reality of death
3. Disconnect from the natural processes of life and death

The Benefits of Embracing Mortality

By integrating the reality of mortality into our daily lives, we can:

1. Challenge fears and misconceptions about death
2. Promote a healthier acceptance of death as a natural event
3. Enhance personal peace and cultural well-being
4. Ensure that end-of-life experiences align with our values and wishes
5. Foster a sense of completion and serenity

Practical Steps for Embracing Mortality

Cultivating Death Literacy

To develop a healthier relationship with death and improve your ability to support others, consider the following steps:

1. Educate yourself about end-of-life care options
2. Learn about advance directives and legal documents related to end-of-life planning
3. Practice active listening skills to better support those facing mortality
4. Attend workshops or seminars on death and dying
5. Read books and articles about death, grief, and end-of-life care

Initiating Conversations About Death

Start normalizing discussions about death within your social circles:

1. Share your own thoughts and feelings about mortality
2. Ask others about their experiences with loss and grief
3. Discuss your end-of-life wishes with family and close friends
4. Encourage others to consider their own preferences for end-of-life care

Creating a Personal End-of-Life Plan

Take proactive steps to prepare for your own end-of-life journey:

1. Write down your wishes for medical care, funeral arrangements, and asset distribution
2. Choose a healthcare proxy and discuss your preferences with them
3. Create or update your will and other important legal documents
4. Organize important information, such as financial records and passwords, for your loved ones
5. Consider pre-planning your funeral or memorial service

Supporting Others Through Grief and Loss

Develop skills to better support those experiencing grief:

1. Learn about the different stages of grief and how they manifest
2. Practice empathetic listening without trying to "fix" the person's pain
3. Offer practical support, such as helping with daily tasks or organizing memorials
4. Be patient and understanding, recognizing that grief is a unique and personal process
5. Encourage professional support when needed, such as grief counseling or support groups

The Ripple Effects of Embracing Mortality

Personal Growth and Self-Reflection

By confronting our mortality, we open ourselves up to profound personal growth:

1. Gaining clarity on our values and life purpose
2. Reassessing priorities and making necessary changes
3. Developing a deeper appreciation for life's moments, both big and small
4. Cultivating gratitude for our experiences and relationships

Strengthening Relationships

Acknowledging the finite nature of life can lead to more meaningful connections:

1. Encouraging open and honest communication with loved ones
2. Resolving conflicts and addressing unresolved issues
3. Expressing love and appreciation more freely
4. Creating lasting memories and shared experiences

Societal Impact

As more individuals embrace a healthier relationship with death, society as a whole can benefit:

1. Reducing the stigma surrounding discussions of death and dying
2. Improving end-of-life care through increased awareness and advocacy
3. Fostering a more compassionate and supportive community during times of loss
4. Encouraging intergenerational dialogue about life, death, and legacy

Challenges in Embracing Mortality

Overcoming Cultural Taboos

In many societies, death remains a taboo subject, which can make it difficult to initiate conversations and implement changes:

1. Recognize that discomfort around death discussions is normal
2. Start with small steps, gradually increasing openness over time
3. Lead by example, demonstrating the benefits of confronting mortality

Dealing with Resistance from Others

Not everyone may be ready or willing to engage with the topic of death:

1. Respect others' boundaries and readiness to discuss mortality
2. Offer information and resources without pushing or pressuring
3. Seek out like-minded individuals or support groups for open discussions

Managing Emotional Intensity

Confronting mortality can bring up intense emotions:

1. Practice self-care and emotional regulation techniques
2. Seek professional support if needed, such as therapy or counseling
3. Recognize that emotional responses to death and dying are natural and valid

The Transformative Power of Acceptance

Living with Intention

Embracing our mortality can lead to a more intentional and purposeful life:

1. Setting meaningful goals aligned with our values
2. Making conscious choices about how we spend our time and energy
3. Pursuing experiences and relationships that bring genuine fulfillment

Finding Peace in the Present

Accepting the reality of death can paradoxically bring greater peace to our daily lives:

1. Reducing anxiety about the future by focusing on the present moment
2. Appreciating the beauty and impermanence of life
3. Cultivating a sense of contentment and gratitude for our current circumstances

Leaving a Lasting Legacy

Considering our mortality encourages us to think about the impact we want to leave behind:

1. Reflecting on our values and the mark we want to make on the world
2. Taking actions to positively influence future generations
3. Creating meaningful artifacts or experiences to be remembered by

Conclusion: Embracing Life Through Accepting Death

Alua Arthur's "Briefly Perfectly Human" offers a compelling argument for confronting our mortality as a means to live more fully. By developing death literacy, engaging in open discussions about end-of-life issues, and providing compassionate support to those facing death, we can transform our relationship with mortality from one of fear to one of acceptance and even appreciation.

The book's central message is that by acknowledging the finite nature of our existence, we can paradoxically enrich our lives and relationships. This shift in perspective allows us to:

1. Prioritize what truly matters to us
2. Deepen our connections with loved ones
3. Live with greater intention and purpose
4. Approach our own end-of-life journey with grace and dignity

Ultimately, "Briefly Perfectly Human" invites us to embrace our mortality not as a source of fear, but as a catalyst for living more authentically, compassionately, and fully. By doing so, we can create a society that is more open, supportive, and prepared to face life's most challenging transitions with courage and understanding.

As we integrate these lessons into our lives, we have the opportunity to transform not only our own experience of living and dying but also to contribute to a broader cultural shift towards a more holistic and accepting approach to mortality. In doing so, we honor the brief, perfect humanity that we all share, making the most of our time on this earth while preparing for its inevitable conclusion with grace and wisdom.