Introduction
In "Burn Rate," Andy Dunn, the co-founder of the successful online menswear startup Bonobos, takes us on a raw and honest journey through his struggles with bipolar disorder. This book is not your typical entrepreneurial success story. Instead, it's a deeply personal account of how Dunn managed to build a multimillion-dollar company while battling a severe mental illness that he kept hidden for 16 years.
Dunn's story is both inspiring and cautionary. It sheds light on the often-overlooked connection between entrepreneurship and mental health, particularly bipolar disorder. With an estimated 3% of the general population affected by bipolar disorder, and up to 20% among entrepreneurs, Dunn's experience is far from unique. His narrative serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of addressing mental health issues openly and without shame.
Through Dunn's eyes, we see how bipolar disorder can be both a driving force for creativity and productivity, and a destructive force that threatens to unravel everything. His journey from denial to acceptance and treatment offers valuable insights for anyone dealing with mental health challenges, whether personally or in supporting others.
Growing Up: The Illusion of Invincibility
Andy Dunn's childhood in the Chicago suburbs was surrounded by medical professionals. Both sides of his family were filled with doctors, including two mental health professionals. This environment, coupled with his academic prowess, fostered a sense of invincibility in young Andy and his sister, Monica.
Skipping third grade due to his intelligence, Andy found himself as a 14-year-old in a class of 16- and 17-year-olds. Being younger and of mixed race (his mother's side was from India), he faced bullying and racial slurs. Instead of addressing these issues, Andy developed a coping mechanism of suppressing his emotions and vulnerabilities – a habit that would prove detrimental in his later years.
During his teenage years, Andy became fascinated with the idea of entrepreneurship. Inspired by stories of jet-setting businesspeople, he began to envision a life beyond the medical careers that dominated his family. This early spark of entrepreneurial ambition would play a significant role in shaping his future.
College Years: The First Signs
At Northwestern University, Andy embraced college life to the fullest. He joined a fraternity, secured internships through well-connected friends, and experimented with psychedelic drugs. It was during this time that he met Camila, his first serious girlfriend. Everything seemed to be going exceptionally well for Andy – perhaps too well.
The first major episode of his bipolar disorder struck during his college years. What started as typical college behavior – partying, drinking, and feeling on top of the world – quickly spiraled into something more concerning. Andy's heightened state progressed from hypomania to full-blown mania.
In the hypomanic state, Andy felt invincible. He was bursting with energy, creativity, and productivity. His confidence soared, and he felt he could accomplish anything. This phase, while exhilarating, was just a prelude to the more severe manic episode that followed.
As Andy slipped into mania, his grip on reality began to loosen. He started to believe he was destined to become the president. He engaged in bizarre behavior, such as explaining his "mission" to strangers at a 24-hour Burger King in the middle of the night. He claimed to be talking to birds and declared his girlfriend to be God.
This episode culminated in Andy's parents taking him home, where he wandered around naked, lecturing them about various topics. Eventually, he was taken to the hospital by his doctor relatives.
The Diagnosis and Denial
In the hospital, Andy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type I. However, the doctor left room for doubt, suggesting that if he didn't relapse within five years, it could have been a one-time occurrence triggered by drug use or even his acne medication.
This uncertainty became Andy's lifeline. He, along with his family of medical professionals, clung to the hope that it was indeed a one-off event. Within ten days, Andy was back at college, and everyone – including Andy himself – pretended as if nothing had happened.
This denial wasn't a conscious choice but rather a coping mechanism. The idea of having a serious mental illness was too overwhelming and shameful for Andy to process. He couldn't bear to think about it for more than a few moments at a time. However, this unacknowledged diagnosis would haunt him like a ghost for years to come.
The Birth of Bonobos
After working in private equity for a couple of years, Andy enrolled in Stanford Graduate School of Business. It was here that he met Brian Spaly, a fellow student with a unique obsession: pants. Spaly had identified two main issues with men's pants: poor fit options and an unpleasant shopping experience for young men.
Spaly's idea was to create better-fitting chinos and wool pants and sell them directly online, capitalizing on the growing e-commerce trend. He even came up with a catchy name for the company: Bonobos, after the peaceful, sex-loving apes.
Andy, who had been toying with various business ideas without much success, decided to get involved in Spaly's venture. This decision would set the course for the next chapter of his life.
The Early Days of Bonobos
In an unexpected turn of events, Spaly decided to return to private equity, leaving Andy as the CEO and co-founder of Bonobos. Despite his lack of experience in the fashion industry, Andy threw himself into the role with characteristic enthusiasm.
The company started operations in New York City, with Andy's rented apartment serving as the initial headquarters. Despite being $150,000 in debt, Andy embraced the lifestyle expected of a young, ambitious entrepreneur – complete with cocktails, clubs, and a vibrant social life.
New York's atmosphere of chutzpah suited Andy perfectly. He found himself fitting right in with the city's brash, confident culture. As Bonobos gained positive press coverage and sales began to grow, Andy felt he was on a mission. He started to believe he was changing the future of retail.
However, this period of intense focus and energy raises questions: Was this simply the drive of a dedicated entrepreneur, or was it the beginning of another hypomanic episode?
The Bipolar Rollercoaster
As Bonobos gained momentum, Andy's mental state began to fluctuate dramatically. He came close to another manic episode in the early days in New York, but his sister Monica, now more vigilant about his behavior, managed to pull him back by ensuring he got adequate sleep.
However, the pendulum soon swung in the other direction. As tensions with Spaly (who had returned to the company full-time) escalated, Andy's mood plummeted. Their constant disagreements over various aspects of the business took a toll on Andy's mental health.
During a flight to Las Vegas, Andy hit his lowest point yet. For the first time, he experienced suicidal thoughts, wishing for the plane to crash. This marked the onset of a severe depressive episode that left him bedridden for days at a time.
To cope with his depression, Andy developed sophisticated tactics to hide his condition from others. He became adept at putting on a facade of normalcy, even enthusiasm, when required. This skill at masking his true mental state would prove both a blessing and a curse in the years to come.
The Hypomanic Entrepreneur
Despite his internal struggles, Andy's entrepreneurial journey continued. The emotional rollercoaster of running a startup and constantly needing to raise funds seemed to act as a kind of antidepressant for him. His elevated moods during hypomanic phases gave him the energy and confidence needed to secure crucial funding, even when the company was on the brink of financial ruin.
One particularly dramatic incident occurred when Andy's company credit card was declined at a car rental service on his way to meet a potential investor. Undeterred, he paid for the car himself, made it to the meeting, and secured $300,000 that saved the company. This kind of brash confidence and relentless drive, fueled by his hypomanic state, proved to be a double-edged sword in his entrepreneurial journey.
Leadership Challenges and Self-Reflection
As Bonobos grew and attracted venture capital funding, Andy's leadership style came under scrutiny. He developed a pattern of enthusiastically hiring senior executives, only to fire them within a year. His approach of instilling fear among employees raised concerns among investors and team members alike.
Despite these issues, Andy continued to push the company forward at a breakneck pace. He experimented with various innovations, including opening physical stores for try-ons (despite the initial online-only model) and even considering launching a tech product to assist other online vendors.
It was during this period that Andy experienced a rare moment of self-reflection. He began to wonder if he might be the common denominator in all the professional problems he'd faced. This realization led him to try therapy and medication for the first time since his college diagnosis. However, feeling that there was no cure for his condition, he sank deeper into depression.
The burden of carrying his unacknowledged mental health issues alone created an immense amount of internal pain for Andy. The few times he attempted to share his struggles, he was met with awkward silence or a lack of understanding, further isolating him.
The Return of Mania
Andy's life took a positive turn when he met Manuela, a woman he described as beautiful, intelligent, and grounded. He fell in love immediately, which for someone with bipolar disorder, can be a trigger for manic episodes.
Sure enough, during another flight to Las Vegas, Andy experienced a full-blown manic episode for the first time in 15 years. He became convinced that the plane was going to crash and spent the flight preparing for his impending death. When the plane landed safely, he interpreted this as a sign of his divine importance.
What followed was a series of bizarre behaviors typical of a manic episode. Andy wandered the streets of Las Vegas, believing homeless people were actually angels warning against materialism. He tried to give away his Rolex, declared himself a vegan only to immediately eat a cheeseburger, and believed he had solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Eventually, Andy made it back to his family home in Chicago. His family managed to get him to eat and take a sleeping pill, but not before Andy became paranoid, suspecting they were trying to kill him. This incident highlights the heartbreaking reality of how mental illness can turn loved ones into perceived enemies in the mind of the sufferer.
The Aftermath and Brief Respite
After coming down from his manic episode, Andy realized he needed to step back from his role as CEO of Bonobos. He found a replacement and took on the role of board chairman instead.
During a trip to China with Manuela, Andy experienced his deepest depression yet. He could barely function, struggling to even leave the bed. However, this rock-bottom moment created an opportunity for growth. For the first time, Andy opened up to Manuela about his struggles. Her compassionate response and unwavering support marked a turning point in their relationship and in Andy's journey towards accepting his condition.
Ironically, being away from work made Andy realize that his job had served as a kind of antidepressant. Without the structure and purpose it provided, he struggled to find reasons to get out of bed. When he heard that things weren't going well at Bonobos, it reignited his spark for life, and he decided to return as CEO.
Another Manic Episode
Back in the US and at the helm of Bonobos once again, Andy's energy levels surged. He applied lessons learned from previous mistakes and focused on making the company profitable. Things were looking up, both professionally and personally, as he secretly put down a deposit on an engagement ring for Manuela.
However, the seeds of another manic episode were beginning to sprout. After seeing the musical "Hamilton," Andy became fixated on the character of George Washington, even beginning to believe he might be Washington himself. This kind of grandiose thinking is often a precursor to full-blown mania.
The episode escalated quickly. Andy declared himself vegan again (only to immediately eat a cheeseburger), had a conversation with a black cat, and became paranoid about a man named Colt who knocked on his door, believing the name was a sign that the man had a gun.
As his behavior became more erratic, Manuela called her mother for help. What followed was a violent and chaotic scene. Andy howled at the moon, injured himself, pulled a radiator off the wall, and tragically, became physically violent towards Manuela and her mother.
Hospitalization and Legal Troubles
The manic episode resulted in Andy being committed to Bellevue Hospital. It took several days for him to come down from his manic state. When Manuela was finally allowed to visit, Andy noticed bruising around her eye, filling him with shame. Despite the violence she had endured, Manuela told Andy that it didn't hurt, showing her incredible capacity for forgiveness and understanding.
Upon his release from Bellevue, Andy faced legal consequences for his actions during the manic episode. He was arrested for misdemeanor assault against Manuela and felony assault of a senior citizen for attacking her mother. This situation highlighted the often blurred line between mental health crises and criminal behavior in the eyes of the law.
Even with all the advantages of his privilege – an expensive lawyer, a supportive family, and a partner willing to drop charges – Andy barely made it through the legal system. This experience underscores the challenges faced by those with mental illnesses who don't have access to such resources.
Embracing Treatment and Transparency
The combination of hospitalization and legal troubles served as a wake-up call for Andy. After 16 years of denial and secrecy, he was finally ready to confront his illness head-on. The first step was to be completely transparent about his bipolar disorder at work.
Surprisingly, the board and his team at Bonobos were understanding and supportive. This openness allowed the company to pull together and focus on their goal of selling the business, with Walmart emerging as an interested buyer.
Even more crucial was Manuela's decision to stay with Andy despite the traumatic experience. Her mother also showed remarkable forgiveness, likening Andy's condition to diabetes – an illness that requires proper management rather than stigma. Their compassionate approach provided Andy with a model for dealing with mental illness openly and without shame.
Andy found a new psychiatrist, Dr. Z, who helped him find the right combination of medications to manage both the manic and depressive aspects of his bipolar disorder. This process of finding the right balance is often challenging, as the goal is to control the extreme mood swings without dulling the patient's personality or cognitive abilities.
In addition to medication, Andy and Manuela began couples therapy, which helped them navigate the challenges in their relationship and rebuild trust. This multi-faceted approach to treatment – combining medication, individual therapy, and couples counseling – proved crucial in Andy's journey towards stability.
Ongoing Management and Success
Even with regular therapy and balanced medication, managing bipolar disorder requires constant vigilance. Andy learned this lesson when he experienced a brief manic episode during a visit from his parents. Lack of sleep, combined with the excitement of his engagement to Manuela, triggered the episode. However, thanks to his newfound openness about his condition, it was immediately recognized and treated as a psychiatric emergency.
Shortly after this incident, the sale of Bonobos to Walmart was finalized for $310 million. This professional success, achieved while actively managing his mental health, marked a significant milestone in Andy's life.
Reflecting on his journey, Andy acknowledges the complex relationship between his bipolar disorder and his entrepreneurial success. While the condition may have contributed to his drive and creativity, he's clear that mental illness is not something to be celebrated. Instead, he views it as a medical condition that requires ongoing treatment and management.
A New Chapter
Three years after the sale of Bonobos, Andy and Manuela welcomed their son, Isaiah, into the world. Holding his newborn child, Andy felt a renewed sense of purpose and responsibility. He recognized that while his "ghost" – his bipolar disorder – would always be a part of him, he now had the tools and motivation to keep it under control.
This new chapter in Andy's life represents hope and resilience. It shows that with proper treatment, support, and self-awareness, it's possible to live a fulfilling life while managing a serious mental health condition.
Key Takeaways
The Entrepreneurship-Bipolar Connection: Andy's story highlights the often-overlooked link between entrepreneurship and bipolar disorder. The traits that can make someone a successful entrepreneur – high energy, risk-taking, creativity – can also be symptoms of hypomania or mania.
The Danger of Denial: Andy's 16-year denial of his condition led to repeated episodes and near-disasters. His story underscores the importance of acknowledging and addressing mental health issues promptly.
The Power of Openness: When Andy finally opened up about his condition to his colleagues and loved ones, he received support and understanding. This transparency was crucial in his journey towards better mental health.
The Importance of Proper Treatment: Finding the right combination of medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes was key to Andy's ability to manage his condition effectively.
The Role of Support Systems: The unwavering support of Manuela and his family played a crucial role in Andy's recovery and ongoing management of his condition.
The Need for Destigmatization: Andy's experience shows how damaging stigma around mental illness can be, and how important it is to treat mental health conditions with the same seriousness and compassion as physical illnesses.
The Ongoing Nature of Management: Even with treatment, managing bipolar disorder is an ongoing process that requires vigilance and adaptability.
Conclusion
"Burn Rate" is more than just a memoir of entrepreneurial success or a cautionary tale about mental illness. It's a powerful testament to the human capacity for resilience, growth, and healing. Andy Dunn's journey from denial to acceptance, from chaos to management, offers hope and insight for anyone struggling with mental health issues or supporting someone who is.
The book challenges us to reconsider our perceptions of success, mental illness, and the often-blurred line between brilliance and instability. It reminds us that behind the glossy veneer of entrepreneurial success stories, there are often deeply human struggles.
Most importantly, "Burn Rate" serves as a call to action. It urges us to bring mental health discussions out of the shadows, to treat mental illnesses with the same gravity and compassion as physical ailments, and to create a society where seeking help for mental health is not just accepted, but encouraged.
Andy's story is a powerful reminder that with proper treatment, support, and self-awareness, it's possible to not just survive, but thrive while living with a serious mental health condition. It's a narrative that offers hope, understanding, and a roadmap for anyone navigating the complex intersection of mental health, personal relationships, and professional ambitions.
In the end, "Burn Rate" is a deeply human story about the struggle to reconcile the different parts of ourselves – the brilliant and the broken, the ambitious and the vulnerable. It's a testament to the power of honesty, both with ourselves and with others, and a powerful argument for the importance of mental health awareness in all aspects of our lives.