Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

“How much more might I achieve, how much more might I enjoy, if I routinely asked better questions?” This book invites you to rethink how you communicate and connect, offering a fresh approach to relationships and problem-solving.

1. The Power of Mindset: Judger vs. Learner

Our mindset shapes how we approach conversations and challenges. In this book, the judger mindset refers to a default tendency to blame or criticize, while the learner mindset is more open, curious, and constructive. When we get stuck in a judger mindset, it’s like walking into a meeting ready for a fight—we're defensive and quick to pass judgment. But switching to a learner mindset allows us to ask questions that explore possibilities instead of seeking faults.

Ben, the main character in the book, learns this lesson through a conversation with Joseph, who explains the “judger hijack.” This hijack happens when emotions escalate quickly, causing us to lash out or make assumptions rather than pausing to reflect. For instance, Ben initially reacted harshly to his coworkers’ mistakes, thinking, “Why are they so careless?” But by adopting a learner mindset, he shifted to asking, “What can I do to scaffold their success?”

The Choice Map became the tool Ben relied on to build awareness of his reactions. The map helps people identify whether they’re heading into the stormy territory of judgment or towards the calmer, insightful path of curiosity. Having this awareness let Ben redirect his mindset in real time, leading to healthier relationships both at work and at home.

Examples

• Ben calmed conflicts with his wife, Grace, by switching from assigning blame to asking supportive questions.
• Leaders can use the learner mindset to strengthen team collaboration by encouraging exploration rather than assigning fault.
• In personal friendships, shifting from judgment to curiosity can clear misunderstandings and deepen the connection.

2. Transforming Questions: From Accusations to Exploration

One of the core practices in this book is learning to frame questions with intention. Instead of accusatory or defensive questions like, “Why did this go wrong?” a learner mindset encourages exploring deeper, more actionable ideas like, “How can we create a better outcome together?”

The technique of purposeful questioning had a profound effect on Ben’s disagreements with coworkers. By asking questions like, “What is driving this conflict?” and “What might they need from me to resolve this?” Ben transformed his previously tense workplace dynamics into one of understanding and teamwork.

Asking good questions also changed Ben’s marriage. When his wife expressed frustration about his work habits, he asked, “What’s one thing I can adjust to help make things better?” This simple question opened a pathway for mutual understanding. Purposeful, open-ended questions help draw out clarity and solutions that were hidden in misunderstandings or assumptions.

Examples

• Grace rebuilt trust with Ben by asking, “What do you need?” during an emotionally charged evening.
• Managers can ask, “What assumptions might we be missing?” during team discussions to spark fresh thinking.
• Couples can replace “Why are you acting this way?” with “What’s really upsetting you?”

3. The Concept of Q-Storming: Questions over Solutions

Q-storming flips the typical problem-solving process on its head by asking people to brainstorm questions rather than rushing toward answers. This approach encourages creativity and uncovers hidden factors influencing the problem.

When encountering a disagreement, Ben began by using Q-storming to generate curiosity-driven questions like, “What’s unseen in this conflict?” or “What decisions brought us here?” By shifting the focus from solutions to exploration, he created space for dialogue and collaboration, turning conflict into opportunity.

This method wasn’t limited to Ben’s workplace; it worked just as well in his personal life. By asking his wife and children what they needed in situations of tension, Ben found that they resolved challenges together more effectively than when he insisted on offering solutions on his own.

Examples

• Teams can use Q-storming during brainstorming meetings to identify root causes rather than rushing toward fixes.
• Individuals can use Q-storming during personal setbacks, asking, “What other perspectives should I consider?”
• Couples can ask questions like “What’s beneath this argument?” to defuse emotional conflicts and seek clarity.

4. Deep Listening: More Than Just Hearing Words

Listening deeply means more than acknowledging someone’s words—it requires engagement and empathy. By fully focusing on the person speaking and temporarily setting aside personal reactions, you tune into the speaker’s underlying needs and emotions.

Ben saw how this approach helped Sarah, a manager in a tech company who transformed her meetings by practicing deep listening. Instead of multitasking or interrupting, she gave her team her undivided attention, often responding with follow-up questions like, “What would help you the most next?” The results were profound: her team felt heard, and productivity soared.

Deep listening proved equally valuable in Ben’s family life. Grace said she felt closest to Ben during conversations when he put aside distractions and genuinely engaged. It reminded him that listening isn’t about having the next rebuttal ready; it’s about making the other person feel valued.

Examples

• Sarah’s team meetings became more successful when she practiced deep listening.
• Couples can create sustainable change by listening not to refute, but to validate.
• Conversations with children often yield better emotional outcomes when parents practice deep listening.

5. Emotional Awareness: The Key to Better Reactions

Our emotions often dictate our responses in situations before we’re even conscious of them. The judger hijack is a product of this—emotional reactions that spiral out of control and dictate poor outcomes. But by honing emotional awareness, we can better pause, reflect, and redirect.

Ben practiced emotional questioning when he felt himself getting defensive. He’d ask, “Why am I feeling this way?” and “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” Taking a moment to ask and answer such questions allowed him to act purposefully rather than impulsively.

Furthermore, Grace used emotional awareness to avoid misunderstandings. On particularly stressful days, if Ben snapped at her, she’d ask herself, “What’s making him act this way?” This allowed her to empathize instead of reacting in frustration.

Examples

• Taking a moment to breathe and reflect during emotionally tense conversations can reduce unnecessary arguments.
• Practicing self-awareness when feeling angry allows for calmer communication.
• Emotional awareness can improve workplace feedback sessions by clarifying feelings before reacting.

6. Strengthening Bonds with Genuine Curiosity

Asking, “How can I show up better for you?” became a transformative question for Ben and Grace. Genuine curiosity is the foundation for stronger connections, as it signals to others that you care enough to understand their perspective.

In moments of personal conflict, Ben found that curiosity disarmed defensiveness. When his son lashed out during a family dinner, instead of jumping to punishment, Ben asked, “What’s going on in your world today?” His son opened up about struggles in school, and tension dissolved into teamwork.

Curiosity also created more trust in Ben’s workplace. By asking coworkers to share their thoughts and experiences, he became a trusted collaborator and fostered a culture of transparency.

Examples

• Curiosity helps dismantle defensiveness in contentious relationships.
• Managers who use curiosity-driven conversations gain their teams’ trust.
• Children respond better to curious questions than to reproachful feedback.

7. Daily Reflection: A Tool for Self-Improvement

The book encourages readers to end each day by reflecting on meaningful questions about their actions and experiences. For instance, Ben adopted a habit of asking himself, “What worked well today? What didn’t, and how can I grow from it?”

This practice honed Ben’s self-awareness and allowed him to make small daily improvements. Over time, his relationships grew stronger, and he had fewer knee-jerk reactions to challenges.

Examples

• Reflection bridges the gap between daily mistakes and weekly growth.
• Teams can use reflections during meetings for collective improvement.
• Marriages benefit when partners regularly reflect on how they support each other.

8. Leadership through Questions, Not Instructions

Effective leaders don’t have all the answers—they ask all the right questions. Ben realized this at work when he shifted from micromanaging to asking, “How can I help you succeed?”

This approach empowered Ben’s team to approach problems confidently, reducing their dependency on him while increasing their creativity. By encouraging independence, Ben grew as a leader and cultivated a culture of innovation.

Examples

• Collaborative leadership thrives when managers guide through questions.
• Asking employees for feedback strengthens trust and collaboration.
• Leaders can improve team cohesion with questions that inspire collective problem-solving.

9. Relationships Thrive on Respectful Communication

At its core, the book argues that relationships hinge on trust, respect, and communication. Questions like, “What do you need?” and “What am I missing in your perspective?” serve as bridges to mutual respect.

Ben and Grace solidified their marriage by practicing this blend of open communication and active listening. The results weren’t just better communication—they rediscovered joy in their connection.

Examples

• Using “I” questions helps avoid blame during disagreements.
• Attentive listening fosters trust in longstanding relationships.
• Open-ended questions yield solutions for seemingly unresolvable issues.

Takeaways

1. Use Q-storming to focus on generating questions when solving problems instead of jumping to answers.
2. Integrate deep listening during heated conversations by setting distractions aside and fully engaging.
3. Practice daily reflection by asking empowering questions like, "What did I learn today?" or "What can I improve for tomorrow?"