Crazy Joy

Joy grows like weeds, resilient and unyielding, even in the cracks of life's hardships.

1. Joy Flourishes in Imperfection

Many people chase happiness believing it lies in achieving perfection or in the absence of hardships. Mary Katherine Backstrom challenges this mindset by explaining that life’s imperfections are what make joy possible. Instead of a rose, joy is like henbit—a weed that thrives in less-than-ideal conditions.

Joy is a journey, not a destination. Backstrom emphasizes that avoiding pain or discomfort in pursuit of happiness often means avoiding life itself. Challenges like heartbreak or failure are not joy’s enemies; they are its essential counterforces, much like the way the lows make the highs sharper and more meaningful.

To better understand this balance, consider Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of motion: for every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Backstrom draws on this idea to show how emotions like disappointment or sadness are paired with their opposite—joy—making them inseparable. Joy is stronger and more authentic when experienced alongside life’s trials.

Examples

• Picking joyous moments out of her childhood, even after learning her “flowers” were weeds.
• Newton’s law to explain how joy and sorrow coexist.
• A horseback riding metaphor, comparing risks in life to the thrill of galloping along the beach.

2. Comparison Kills Joy

Backstrom candidly discusses her own struggles with comparing herself to others. She recalls showing up to her mother-in-law’s Thanksgiving with store-bought pecan pies, passing them off as homemade because she felt inadequate as a baker. This need to compare and measure up made her feel like a failure.

Comparison feeds insecurity by constantly highlighting what we perceive ourselves to lack. According to a study by the National Institutes of Health, 12% of our thoughts involve comparisons, which often lead to self-criticism. For Backstrom, this habit came at the cost of her emotional well-being and self-esteem.

The path to fighting comparison is self-acceptance. Backstrom’s therapist encouraged her to treat herself as a friend. This required silencing the inner bully and embracing her own uniqueness. Joy begins to blossom when we stop striving to meet unrealistic standards and simply allow ourselves to be ourselves.

Examples

• The pie incident illustrating her urge to keep up with others around her.
• A study showing how often people engage in comparison in their daily thoughts.
• Therapist advice to build self-compassion as a foundation for emotional peace.

3. Accepting Mortality Sparks Joy

Death is often seen as life’s greatest killjoy, but Backstrom turns this assumption on its head. Inspired by Nietzsche’s philosophy, she explains that fully embracing mortality allows us to cherish the joy found in fleeting moments of life. Living with the awareness that time is limited puts our focus squarely on what matters most.

Backstrom shares her childhood fascination with the TV show Supermarket Sweep to illustrate her point. In the show, contestants dash through aisles, their limited time forcing them to grab whatever seems most valuable. She likens this to life, where knowing our time is finite helps guide us toward life’s "filet mignon" moments instead of "canned beans."

Embracing mortality doesn’t mean obsessing over death. It means making peace with its inevitability in order to reclaim your energy for joy. This mindset shift helps free people from worrying about the end and encourages them to savor the journey.

Examples

• Nietzsche's philosophy on the eternal worth of joy despite life's pains.
• Supermarket Sweep as a metaphor for life’s time constraints and priorities.
• Accepting her own mortality to focus on living in the moment.

4. Fear is Both Barrier and Pathway

Fear can stop us in our tracks, but Backstrom highlights its relationship with joy. Joy often requires stepping outside our comfort zones and facing risks. Drawing from her husband Ian’s surfing experiences, she illustrates how conquering fear can lead to life’s most exhilarating highs.

Ian, a surfer, once paddled back into shark-infested waters after spotting a hammerhead nearby. While this might seem reckless, surfing brought him immense joy, and he refused to let fear stand in his way. Similarly, Backstrom argues that letting fear dictate your life keeps you from discovering new joys.

Rather than avoiding what scares us, she urges readers to see fear as an opportunity. Risk-taking isn’t about recklessness; it’s about understanding that joy often hides under layers of uncertainty and trepidation. Life’s big waves may be scary, but they’re what make the ride worthwhile.

Examples

• Ian’s decision to return to the ocean despite sighting a shark.
• Surfing as a metaphor for risks inherent in life's most joyful experiences.
• Stories of her own choices to embrace fear rather than let it control her.

5. Joy is Found in the Mundane

Backstrom reminds readers that joy isn’t just in dramatic achievements; it thrives in everyday life. She cites simple things, like a cup of coffee or a shared laugh, as moments worth cherishing. Joy is present in the weaving of the mundane into meaningful experiences.

This message is powerful for those who feel their lives are too ordinary to be fulfilling. She shares that identifying and appreciating small pleasures, even during difficult days, trains the brain to recognize joy where it might otherwise be missed.

The trick is mindfulness—paying attention to small, happy moments without distractions. Practicing gratitude for these minor joys can elevate an ordinary day into a fulfilling one.

Examples

• A warm cup of coffee signifying comfort and contentment.
• The small, silly moments with family overshadowing minor inconveniences.
• Gratitude practice to amplify fleeting joys.

6. Community Nurtures Joy

Loneliness can be a major obstacle to joy, and Backstrom believes that relationships form its foundation. Human beings are wired for connection, and simple acts of kindness or togetherness can unlock a wellspring of happiness.

She recounts moments when a kind stranger or her husband’s quiet support helped her through tough times. Even noting how strangers in a coffee shop can turn a dreary day around proves her point: we are not meant to journey through life alone.

Healthy and supportive relationships let us share joyful moments and multiply them. Investing time and energy into community is like planting seeds; they grow into flourishing sources of shared happiness.

Examples

• A stranger’s kind words shifting her perspective on a bad day.
• Her husband’s quiet acts of support, like listening without judgment.
• Strangers at coffee shops creating a comforting sense of community.

7. Celebrate Uniqueness

Society tends to encourage conformity, but Backstrom argues that joy lies in embracing your quirks and differences. Instead of trying to be like everyone else, channel your energy into what makes you unique.

Her therapist’s advice to “befriend yourself” sparked a transformation. By viewing her individuality as a gift instead of a flaw, Backstrom rediscovered her sense of joy and purpose.

The beauty of life lies in its diversity, and each person has something unique to offer. Rather than hiding, embracing your individuality allows your joy to shine, contributing to a more vibrant, colorful world.

Examples

• Therapist’s encouragement to treat herself with kindness as a friend would.
• Rediscovering the comfort of being herself, rather than who others expected her to be.
• Seeing uniqueness as a strength instead of a liability.

8. Pain and Joy Are Partners

Backstrom draws attention to the interconnectedness of pain and joy. Life’s deepest sorrows often pave the way for its brightest joys. While it’s tempting to avoid suffering, she shows how it’s integral to truly embracing life.

She uses grief as an example—how losing loved ones led her to cherish time spent with those still here. Pain illuminates the things that matter most in life because it forces us to pay closer attention.

Rather than fearing pain, she urges readers to recognize it as the flip side of joy. They’re two sides of the same coin, and one makes the other shine brighter.

Examples

• Grieving lost loved ones while finding joy in precious new memories.
• Cultivating thankfulness in the wake of personal setbacks.
• Accepting heartbreak as part of fully living.

9. Joy Demands Resilience

Backstrom compares joy to surfing waves. Life will inevitably throw chaos and difficulties your way, but having resilience ensures you’re able to withstand them and even return for more.

Resilience, in her view, isn’t about never falling—it’s about always getting back up. She points to Jay Moriarity’s journey in Chasing Mavericks, where his ability to endure chaos and keep trying brought him immense satisfaction and joy.

Building resilience starts small. Facing little challenges builds confidence to tackle larger ones. Over time, you find yourself navigating life’s waves with growing confidence.

Examples

• Jay Moriarity’s relentless training to conquer the Mavericks wave.
• Ian’s shark encounter not deterring him from pursuing what he loved.
• Backstrom’s own ability to turn hardships into opportunities for growth.

Takeaways

1. Train yourself to notice small moments of joy in everyday life by practicing daily gratitude.
2. Face your fears by challenging yourself to take one small risk for the sake of personal growth.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others and focus on celebrating what makes you unique.