In "Doesn't Hurt to Ask," former prosecutor and congressman Trey Gowdy shares his insights on the art of persuasion through asking questions. Drawing from his extensive experience in courtrooms and Congress, Gowdy reveals how the power of well-crafted questions can be a more effective tool for advocacy than simply stating facts or opinions.
This book isn't about winning arguments or defeating opponents. Instead, it's a guide to becoming a better communicator and advocate for your beliefs. Gowdy teaches readers how to use questions to nudge others towards your perspective, whether in professional settings, personal relationships, or public debates.
The Power of Questions in Persuasion
Questions as a Subtle Art
Persuasion isn't about bombarding others with opinions or facts. It's a subtle art that involves listening, communicating, and advocating for your beliefs in a compelling way. Questions are the most powerful tools in this art because they:
- Put the focus on your conversation partner
- Guide them in the right direction without triggering defensiveness
- Allow people to persuade themselves
Gowdy shares a personal anecdote about how a friend's mother used questions to guide him towards a career in law. She didn't make any evaluative statements but simply asked a series of questions that led him to reconsider his future plans.
The Importance of Asking Over Asserting
While there can be such a thing as a "stupid question," it's still better than making a stupid assertion. Questions reveal knowledge gaps, but assertions can reveal misinformation. In a debate, it's better to be uninformed (and aware of it) than misinformed.
Preparing for Persuasion
Know Your Objective
Before engaging in any persuasive conversation, it's crucial to know what you're trying to achieve. In real life, unlike in a courtroom, it's nearly impossible to convince someone 100%. A more realistic goal is to move your conversation partner 30-50% closer to your perspective. This level of persuasion means they've begun to see your point and are challenging some of their own beliefs.
Make your objective as clear and measurable as possible. This will help you plan your argument more effectively.
Gather Your Facts
Questions, like any other form of argument, need to be based on facts. Gather evidence that supports your point. The burden of proof will depend on how ambitious your objective is. For example, convincing someone to invest $10,000 in your business requires more fact-based arguments than asking for a $100 investment.
Understand Your "Jury"
Your approach to presenting your argument will depend on your audience, whether it's a group of coworkers, family members, or actual jurors. Use questions to understand:
- What they believe
- Why they believe it
- How best to talk about the topic
- Whether they're open to persuasion at all
A simple question like "Are you open to hearing about this?" can save you a lot of wasted effort.
Types of Questions
Softball Questions
Softball questions are easy, non-leading questions that give your conversation partner room to answer. They typically include words like who, what, and when. For example: "So, governor, what inspired you to run for office?"
These questions are useful for:
- Mapping out the ground for debate
- Showing interest in what the other person has to say
- Leading into your argument in a neutral way
Hardball Questions
Hardball questions are leading questions that put the focus on the question itself rather than the answer. They're designed to confirm your point or slow down and contradict your opponent's point. For instance: "Didn't I tell you to take out the trash this morning?"
The Power of "Why"
The question "why" is in a category of its own. It can change everything about a conversation or argument. For example, asking someone why they committed a crime can lead to vastly different responses that completely alter the context of the situation.
The Importance of Sincerity
Sincerity Killers
To be convincing, you must be sincere. There are three main sincerity killers to avoid:
- Insults: They make the other side defensive and aggressive, and make you appear petty and insecure.
- Hypocrisy: Holding your opponent to a different standard than yourself undermines the moral basis of your argument.
- Lying: Once you lose the trust of your audience, you've lost your argument.
Showing Genuine Passion
To win your audience's trust, show that you're genuinely passionate about your beliefs. Genuine emotions demonstrate that you really care about the issue at hand.
For more mundane issues, try to connect them to a bigger principle or higher ideal. For example, if you're trying to get your kids to show up for dinner on time, frame it as an issue of respecting family time and values rather than just missing a meal.
Impeachment Strategies
Impeachment in the context of persuasion means undermining the credibility of someone's argument. There are three main ways to do this:
1. Disputing Facts
Question how your opponent came to know what they're claiming. If you can show that their "facts" are just hearsay, their argument loses credibility.
2. Disputing Logic
If your opponent's facts are correct but their conclusion is different from yours, challenge their logical reasoning. Show how their conclusion doesn't necessarily follow from their premises.
3. Impeaching Character
This is the most effective but also the hardest form of impeachment. Try to prove to your audience that your opponent is habitually lying, unfavorably biased, or morally corrupt.
You can also use a technique called "hitchhiking," where you impeach someone by association with another person whose credibility you can more easily question.
Fine-tuning Your Persuasion Skills
Measure Your Words
Use simple and precise language in your questions. Avoid generalizing words like "everybody," "always," or "never," as they invite easy rebuttals.
Use Repetition
Repeat key phrases or questions to emphasize their importance. The more you repeat something, the more your audience will understand its significance.
Repackage Arguments
If you're struggling to counter an opponent's argument, try repackaging it. Reduce their argument to absurdity by putting it in different words to expose its flaws.
Rescue Strategies for Failing Arguments
Even the best persuaders sometimes find their arguments failing. Here are some strategies to mitigate the damage:
1. Create a Diversion
Interrupt your opponent with questions to stop their momentum and steer the conversation in a different direction.
2. Deconstruct Their Argument
Challenge each tiny assumption your opponent makes with questions like "How do you know that?" and "How can you be sure of this?"
3. Double Down
If you have a particularly strong fact or argument, keep emphasizing it until you figure out how to get out of the difficult situation.
4. Play the Victim Card
While not the most dignified strategy, playing the victim can work because people are naturally empathetic to victims.
Mastering the Art of Persuasion
Set Realistic Expectations
Remember that persuasion isn't about winning; it's about successful communication. It's rare for someone's view to be completely changed by a single conversation, especially on contentious issues. Set realistic goals for what you hope to achieve.
Guide, Don't Force
Your aim should be to guide your listeners to draw their own conclusions based on the merits of your argument, not to force them to agree with everything you say.
Be Open to Persuasion Yourself
To be an effective persuader, you need to be persuadable yourself. Stay receptive to new facts and perspectives, and be willing to adjust your beliefs when confronted with contradictory evidence.
Practical Applications of Persuasive Questioning
In the Workplace
Persuasive questioning can be invaluable in professional settings. Whether you're pitching an idea to your boss, negotiating with a client, or leading a team meeting, the right questions can help you achieve your goals more effectively.
For example, instead of telling your team what to do, ask questions that lead them to the solution you have in mind. This not only makes them feel more involved in the decision-making process but also helps them understand the reasoning behind the decision.
Questions like "What do you think would happen if we tried this approach?" or "How do you see this impacting our long-term goals?" can stimulate thoughtful discussion and lead to better outcomes.
In Personal Relationships
The art of persuasive questioning isn't just for professional settings; it can greatly improve personal relationships too. Whether you're discussing household chores with your partner, addressing concerns with a friend, or guiding your children, questions can help you navigate difficult conversations more smoothly.
For instance, if you're trying to get your partner to contribute more to household chores, instead of accusing them of not doing enough, you could ask, "How do you think we could divide the chores more fairly?" This approach invites collaboration rather than confrontation.
In Public Debates
In public forums or debates, persuasive questioning can be a powerful tool for advocating your position. By asking the right questions, you can expose flaws in your opponent's argument without appearing aggressive or confrontational.
For example, if someone is arguing for a policy you disagree with, you could ask questions like "How would this policy affect different groups in our society?" or "What potential unintended consequences have you considered?" These questions can highlight potential issues with the proposal without directly attacking the person presenting it.
The Ethics of Persuasive Questioning
While persuasive questioning can be a powerful tool, it's important to use it ethically. Gowdy emphasizes that the goal should always be honest communication and advocacy, not manipulation or deceit.
Honesty and Transparency
Always be honest in your questioning. Don't ask questions that you know are based on false premises or that are designed to mislead. Your goal should be to uncover truth and promote understanding, not to trick or confuse.
Respect for Others
Respect the person you're questioning, even if you strongly disagree with their views. Avoid questions that are designed to embarrass or humiliate. Remember, the goal is persuasion, not victory at any cost.
Openness to Change
Be prepared to have your own views challenged. If your questioning leads you to realize that your position is flawed, be willing to acknowledge this and adjust your stance. This openness to change will make you a more credible and respected communicator.
Developing Your Questioning Skills
Like any skill, the art of persuasive questioning takes practice to master. Here are some ways to develop your abilities:
Start Small
Begin by practicing in low-stakes situations. Try using questions to guide conversations with friends or family members on non-controversial topics.
Analyze Conversations
Pay attention to how skilled communicators use questions in interviews, debates, or negotiations. What types of questions do they ask? How do these questions shape the conversation?
Reflect on Your Interactions
After important conversations or meetings, take some time to reflect. What questions worked well? Which ones didn't? How could you have phrased things differently for better results?
Seek Feedback
Ask trusted colleagues or friends for feedback on your questioning technique. They may notice patterns or areas for improvement that you've overlooked.
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
Even as you develop your skills, be aware of common mistakes that can undermine your persuasive efforts:
Asking Too Many Questions
While questions are powerful, asking too many can make the other person feel interrogated or defensive. Balance your questions with active listening and occasional statements.
Asking Leading Questions Inappropriately
In some contexts, like cross-examination in court, leading questions are appropriate. In everyday conversations, however, they can come across as manipulative. Use them sparingly and carefully.
Failing to Listen to Answers
The point of asking questions is to gain information and understanding. If you're not really listening to the answers, your questions become meaningless. Practice active listening along with your questioning skills.
Ignoring Social and Cultural Context
Be aware that what's considered an appropriate question can vary greatly depending on cultural norms and social context. What works in a business negotiation might be inappropriate in a casual social setting.
The Role of Empathy in Persuasive Questioning
Empathy plays a crucial role in effective persuasion. By understanding and acknowledging the other person's perspective, you can ask more relevant and impactful questions.
Understanding Motivations
Try to understand what motivates the person you're talking to. What are their concerns, fears, or aspirations? Questions that address these underlying motivations are likely to be more persuasive.
Acknowledging Emotions
Recognize the emotional aspects of the conversation. Sometimes, a simple question like "How do you feel about this?" can open up new avenues for understanding and persuasion.
Building Rapport
Use questions to build rapport and show genuine interest in the other person's views. This can make them more receptive to your perspective.
Adapting Your Approach
Different situations call for different approaches to persuasive questioning. Learn to adapt your style based on the context and the person you're talking to.
Formal vs. Informal Settings
In formal settings like business meetings or legal proceedings, your questions might need to be more structured and precise. In informal settings, a more conversational approach might be more effective.
Different Personality Types
Some people respond better to direct questions, while others prefer a more nuanced approach. Learn to read your audience and adjust your questioning style accordingly.
Time Constraints
In time-limited situations, you may need to be more focused and efficient with your questions. Prioritize the most important points you want to address.
The Power of Follow-Up Questions
Follow-up questions can be particularly powerful in persuasive conversations. They show that you're listening and help you dig deeper into important points.
Clarification
Use follow-up questions to clarify points you don't fully understand. This not only helps you gain more information but also shows the other person that you're engaged and interested.
Exploration
Follow-up questions can help you explore the implications of what's been said. For example, "If that's the case, what do you think would happen if...?"
Challenging Assumptions
Carefully crafted follow-up questions can challenge underlying assumptions without seeming confrontational. For instance, "That's interesting. How do you reconcile that with...?"
Handling Difficult Situations
Even with the best questioning techniques, you may sometimes find yourself in difficult conversational situations. Here's how to handle some common challenges:
When Someone Refuses to Answer
If someone is avoiding your questions, try to understand why. Are they uncomfortable? Unsure? A meta-question like "I notice you seem reluctant to answer. Can you help me understand why?" might help.
When Emotions Run High
In emotionally charged situations, it might be necessary to step back from the specific issue and ask questions about the emotions involved. "I can see this is really important to you. Can you tell me more about why you feel so strongly about this?"
When You're Caught Off Guard
If you're surprised by a response and aren't sure how to proceed, it's okay to buy yourself some time. "That's a perspective I hadn't considered before. Can you give me a moment to think about that?"
The Importance of Timing
Knowing when to ask certain questions is just as important as knowing what to ask. Consider the following:
Opening Questions
Start with questions that put the other person at ease and establish rapport. These should be relatively easy to answer and non-threatening.
Transition Questions
Use questions to smoothly transition between topics. "Now that we've discussed X, what are your thoughts on Y?"
Closing Questions
Towards the end of a conversation, use questions to summarize and confirm understanding. "Based on our discussion, it seems like the main points are A, B, and C. Is that how you see it?"
Persuasive Questioning in Different Contexts
While the principles of persuasive questioning are universal, their application can vary in different contexts:
In Leadership
Leaders can use questions to guide their team's thinking, encourage problem-solving, and foster a culture of curiosity and innovation. Instead of giving direct orders, skilled leaders often ask questions that lead team members to the desired conclusions.
In Sales
In sales, questions can help uncover customer needs, address concerns, and guide prospects towards a purchase decision. Effective salespeople often spend more time asking questions than talking about their product.
In Education
Educators use questions to stimulate critical thinking, check understanding, and encourage students to explore topics more deeply. The Socratic method, based entirely on questioning, has been a cornerstone of education for millennia.
In Conflict Resolution
In conflict situations, the right questions can de-escalate tensions, promote understanding between parties, and lead to mutually acceptable solutions.
The Future of Persuasive Communication
As our world becomes increasingly complex and polarized, the ability to communicate persuasively through questioning will only become more valuable. Some trends to consider:
Digital Communication
With more communication happening online, learning to ask effective questions in written form (emails, social media, etc.) is becoming increasingly important.
Cross-Cultural Communication
In our globalized world, the ability to ask culturally sensitive and appropriate questions is crucial for effective persuasion across cultural boundaries.
Artificial Intelligence
As AI becomes more prevalent in our lives, understanding how to frame questions for both human and AI interactions will be an important skill.
Conclusion
Mastering the art of persuasive questioning is a lifelong journey. It requires continuous practice, reflection, and refinement. Remember that the goal is not to win arguments, but to foster understanding, find common ground, and advocate effectively for your beliefs.
By asking thoughtful questions, you can guide conversations, uncover important information, and help others see things from new perspectives. Whether in your personal life, professional career, or public discourse, the ability to ask the right questions in the right way is a powerful tool for effective communication and persuasion.
As Trey Gowdy demonstrates throughout "Doesn't Hurt to Ask," questions are not just about seeking information – they're about opening minds, challenging assumptions, and moving people towards new understandings. By honing this skill, you can become a more effective advocate for your ideas and a more influential voice in any conversation.
Remember, it doesn't hurt to ask – but it can help immensely if you know how to ask well.