Find Your People

God created us to live in connection, but modern life leaves us isolated. How do we rebuild the deep, enduring friendships we crave?

1. The Crisis of Loneliness

Today, more people than ever are struggling with loneliness. Studies indicate that over three in five Americans feel lonely, and many yearn for the heartfelt friendships often depicted in media. But social media and endless busyness often leave us feeling empty instead. We dream of spontaneous, lasting relationships, yet we live in a world where such connections seem out of reach.

Jennie Allen explains that our longing for companionship isn’t just cultural – it’s spiritual. She believes humans are hardwired for community, reflecting God’s triune existence as Father, Son, and Spirit. When we live without deep relationships, we’re living against our design. Our loneliness isn’t just a personal issue; it’s spiritual warfare. Allen suggests that our world’s isolation reflects the enemy’s efforts to divide us from one another and obscure the glory of God seen in genuine community.

To counteract this loneliness, Allen encourages readers to actively seek connection. She recommends starting with prayer – asking God to guide our efforts to find and nurture the friendships we need. Loneliness might feel overwhelming, but Allen reminds us that loving relationships are not some unattainable dream; they are part of God’s plan for our lives.

Examples

• Over three in five Americans report feeling chronically lonely.
• TV shows like "Friends" illustrate the type of friendships people deeply desire but often lack.
• Allen links loneliness to spiritual battles that disconnect us from God and others.

2. Proximity Matters

One of the major barriers to forming friendships is the mistaken belief that we lack time. We pack our schedules with work, errands, and surface-level social events, leaving little space for meaningful connections. But Allen points out that our future friends are often already in our lives – they’re just waiting to be invited closer.

To build friendships, Allen urges us to focus on the people who are already near us. This could be coworkers, neighbors, fellow churchgoers, or members of a local club. Start by noticing who feels easy to talk to or shares your values. Create a list of potential friends and make the first move by initiating contact consistently. Building relationships might feel awkward, but it’s a necessary step to deeper connection.

To deepen these bonds, Allen highlights the importance of meaningful conversations. Move beyond casual topics by asking questions like “What’s making you anxious?” or “What are you hoping for?” True relationships take effort and intentionality, and that starts with being willing to go deeper.

Examples

• Many people attend social events sporadically but never move beyond surface-level connections.
• Allen recommends observing recurring faces in your daily life, such as neighbors or book club members.
• Questions like “What are you longing for?” foster more meaningful conversations.

3. Vulnerability Transforms Friendships

Vulnerability is the key to meaningful friendships, but fear often holds us back. Past betrayals or judgments can make us wary of sharing our struggles and weaknesses with others, yet Allen insists that true connection is impossible without honesty.

She recounts a moving moment when a close friend asked her to lean on her more often. Allen realized that by avoiding vulnerability, she was unintentionally creating distance. She learned that sharing her struggles – whether it’s frustrations as a parent or insecurities about work – is how deeper trust is built. Friendship isn’t just about good times; it’s about seeing and accepting one another’s messiness.

Allen advises creating intentional moments where you can share honestly. Invite a friend for coffee and say, “I’ve been going through something and want to open up.” Vulnerability is a leap of faith, but it’s worth it despite the risks. It’s through sharing that we discover the richness of being truly known.

Examples

• A friend’s plea for Allen to “need her more” sparked a revelation about vulnerability.
• Allen shares how past betrayals led her to put up walls, damaging her relationships.
• Asking a friend for a safe space to share creates opportunities for mutual honesty.

4. Healthy Friendships Require Accountability

Accountability is an undervalued gift in modern friendships. In Western culture, independence is celebrated, and constructive criticism is often avoided to maintain harmony. But without accountability, our friendships remain shallow, and we miss opportunities for growth.

Allen gives the example of her adopted son, Cooper, being disciplined by a Rwandan pastor during a visit to his birth village. In Rwanda, communal parenting and accountability are embraced, allowing individuals to grow in character. The wisdom shared in these moments fosters relationships that aren’t afraid to challenge and correct.

To cultivate accountability, Allen suggests seeking friends and mentors who can push you toward maturity. Give them explicit permission to speak truth into your life. Ask them to highlight areas where you can improve and to hold you accountable to make changes. Challenging feedback might feel uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for lasting personal and spiritual growth.

Examples

• Cooper’s Rwandan elders corrected his behavior to help him grow in humility.
• Western culture’s individualism often avoids accountability, prioritizing self-reliance.
• Proverbs 27:17 likens accountability to iron sharpening iron, emphasizing its refining power.

5. Finding Purpose Through Community

Allen reflects on how industrialization and urbanization fragmented traditional communities. The fast pace of modern life has left people’s work, home, and faith separate, dividing what once was a unified existence. She urges readers to reclaim a shared mission within their relationships to find deeper meaning.

For believers, this shared mission naturally revolves around glorifying God. Allen suggests simple ways to make discipleship a part of everyday life. Start conversations with strangers, choose personal interactions over quick self-service options, and actively involve your faith community in projects that bring people together.

By focusing on this larger mission, friendships become more than just fun – they become a way to serve and grow together. Sharing a purpose helps solidify bonds and makes relationships more fulfilling and enduring.

Examples

• Early villages thrived on shared work, family, and worship, but modern life separates these.
• Allen emphasizes personal outreach, like engaging with grocery store cashiers instead of choosing self-checkout.
• Unified mission, such as volunteering through church, strengthens relationships.

6. Conflict is a Path to Growth

Conflict is inevitable in friendships, but it shouldn’t signal the end of a relationship. On the contrary, Allen believes conflict is an opportunity to deepen trust and grow closer.

She describes her personal community, which centers on God and prioritizes forgiveness. This shared spiritual foundation allows members to resolve disputes without resentment and heal divides. Allen explains that addressing conflict with grace and understanding often deepens bonds rather than breaking them.

To handle conflict well, Allen recommends always assuming the best intentions, addressing issues directly, and being quick to apologize. It’s tempting to ghost people when things get tough, but sticking around to work through disagreements strengthens the relationship and mirrors God’s grace.

Examples

• Allen describes weekly conflicts in her community being resolved through shared faith.
• Romans 12:18 emphasizes living in peace with everyone, encouraging resolution over avoidance.
• Acting quickly to apologize and understand helps diffuse tension before it escalates.

Takeaways

1. Make a list of five people in your life you’d like to know better. Pray over the list and actively initiate deeper connections.
2. Plan time weekly for meaningful face-to-face conversations or shared activities with friends and family. Avoid superficial chit-chat.
3. Actively work through conflicts in your relationships rather than ignoring or avoiding them, practicing quick forgiveness and open communication.