Getting to Zero Summary

"To avoid conflict for the sake of peace is to create a war within." This book helps you navigate personal disagreements and restore meaningful connections.

1. Conflict Arises from Either Too Much Closeness or Distance

Conflict in relationships often stems from feeling threatened, typically due to either unwanted closeness or excessive distance. When someone moves emotionally or physically too close, we may feel overwhelmed, prompting a defensive reaction. On the flip side, emotional or physical distance can make us feel uncared for or abandoned. These polarized tensions often sow the seeds of conflict.

The sense of threat can escalate when paired with aggressive behaviors like raised voices or confrontational body language. Such closeness feels suffocating or potentially hostile. Conversely, silence, a lack of response, or neglect can make someone feel unimportant, leading to inner turmoil and growing frustration. These triggers often set the stage for unresolved disputes that linger.

To address these reactions, Gaddis introduces the four coping mechanisms we often resort to: posturing (blaming the other), collapsing (blaming ourselves), seeking (attempting to rebuild connection anxiously), and avoiding (distancing oneself further). Becoming aware of these patterns is the essential first step in resolving conflict.

Examples

• Feeling defensive when a partner raises their voice during an argument.
• Experiencing hurt when a close friend repeatedly ignores your texts or calls.
• Recognizing your tendency to avoid conversations as a way to escape tension.

2. Start Resolving Conflict with a Simple Conflict Box

Unresolved tensions drain emotional energy. To identify and work through these issues, the "conflict box" technique encourages clarity and personal responsibility. This process involves breaking a conflict into specific components to gain insight and create a resolution plan.

Drawing a box with nine rows, individuals write the name of the person they have conflict with, identify the behavior triggering their feelings, rate the intensity of their emotions, and track how long the issue has persisted. Additionally, the exercise prompts reflection on one’s role in the conflict without self-blame or victimization but with an understanding of shared responsibility.

The conflict box is a tool to prioritize conflicts. For particularly difficult disputes or relationships deemed beyond reconciling, it may be more effective to start with manageable problems first, gaining confidence in addressing larger ones later.

Examples

• Watching your reactions and behavior during coworker disputes using the conflict box.
• Naming a family member who repeatedly misses agreed-upon commitments.
• Picking a simpler disagreement with a friend to practice the conflict box exercise.

3. Early Attachments Shape Your Approach to Conflict

Your childhood relationships strongly influence how you connect or disconnect from others today. This is part of your "relational blueprint," a pattern shaped by caregivers’ behaviors, which teaches how much support, safety, and soothing you received in early years.

For example, if a caregiver provided inconsistent attention, you might now anticipate rejection or abandonment in relationships. These early habits embed deep reactions, often reappearing as conflicts in high-stakes relationships like marriage or friendships. Understanding how you were trained to disconnect or reconnect lays a foundation for changing unhelpful behaviors.

While past attachment struggles might increase disconnection or insecurity, Gaddis stresses that adults can "reparent" themselves. By consciously practicing connection, adults can rewrite their internal blueprint, developing healthier responses for dealing with conflict.

Examples

• Growing reluctant to trust after a childhood with dismissive caregivers.
• Over-analyzing partner behavior due to past fears of abandonment.
• Relearning connection with a stable friend who models healthy boundaries.

4. Avoiding Conflict Is More Harmful Than Facing It

Dodging conflict might prevent an uncomfortable conversation temporarily but leads to what Gaddis calls "conflict creep." Avoidance fuels resentment, adds layers of misunderstanding, and eventually erupts into larger disputes, making the disagreement harder to untangle.

Over time, suppressing your true self amplifies inner tension. Every avoided truth becomes heavier, creating additional problems. Small tensions build into mistrust, increasingly alienating the parties involved. Unchecked avoidance leaves people with fewer meaningful connections and weaker relationships.

Instead, Gaddis emphasizes openly addressing fears about confrontation. Components of the conflict box, like exploring fears and predicting outcomes, can motivate honesty. This transparency reduces long-term damage while restoring open communication faster.

Examples

• Arguments replaying unresolved resentments over minor annoyances like chores.
• One sibling letting a minor disagreement snowball into years of estrangement.
• Using the conflict box to acknowledge hesitation to express unsaid feelings.

5. Increase Your Emotional Capacity to Face Discomfort

Handling relationships well requires building tolerance for emotional discomfort, or what Gaddis terms your "Emotional Discomfort Threshold" (EDT). When issues trigger overwhelming feelings, overreaction or avoidance often takes the place of rational discussion.

By practicing awareness, particularly through NESTR meditation, you can calm intense reactions. This process involves identifying the number or intensity of your discomfort (e.g., stress level is a 7/10), recognizing the specific emotion, acknowledging physical sensations, understanding your thoughts, and grounding yourself in resilience. Regular mindfulness exercises make it easier to face triggers calmly.

Combined with mutual support from the other person, learning to sit with your feelings can dismantle unnecessary fear during conflict while increasing your capacity for repair.

Examples

• Realizing your growing irritation stems from past frustrations unrelated to the fight.
• Practicing NESTR to bring your emotional intensity from a 9 to a manageable 4.
• Telling a friend when you feel safe or challenged during difficult conversations.

6. Don’t Just Listen – Listen Until the Other Feels Heard

Conflict resolution requires letting the other person feel fully understood. This goes beyond passive listening and involves questioning, acknowledging, and validating their experiences while refraining from judgment or defensiveness.

The author’s "LUFU" method – Listen Until they Feel Understood – provides a structured communication approach. It includes showing curiosity, confirming comprehension (“Am I getting this right?”), and affirming the shared emotional experience. Listening carefully calms the defensive walls and opens the door to collaborative discussion.

When applied thoughtfully, LUFU reassures even the angriest person that their perspective matters, setting the stage for genuine resolution.

Examples

• Using reflective phrases like "It seems like you're upset because of X.”
• Pausing a heated debate and saying, "Hold on—I want to make sure I understand this.”
• Asking a spouse directly, “Do you think I get where you’re coming from?”

7. Speak with Empathy and Ownership

Effective communication during conflict isn’t only about listening but also using empathy when expressing your thoughts. Enter the conversation centered, with calm body language and tone. Own your part of the conflict and speak “with accountability.”

Gaddis advocates for the SHORE method: Speak Honestly with Ownership to Repair Empathetically. Begin by recognizing your contribution, validating the other’s emotions, and sharing how their behavior affected you. Frame observations without blame, using “I feel” statements. Finish conversations by discussing a collaborative path forward.

This empathetic approach ensures both parties feel valued and makes moving toward reconnection smoother.

Examples

• Saying “I know I’ve contributed to the tension. Here’s what I’d like to change moving forward.”
• Softly expressing personal triggers without attacking character (e.g., “I felt ignored”).
• Structuring the discussion with early affirmations of mutual care or shared goals.

8. Recognize Five Common Conflict Types

While every disagreement feels unique, Gaddis outlines five recurring themes that simplify addressing them:

1. Surface fights over trivial matters (e.g., dishes left out).
2. Projections based on past experiences, often rooted in childhood.
3. Insecurity fights where commitment feels at risk.
4. Value clashes where deeply held beliefs differ.
5. Resentments caused by unfair expectations.

By identifying the type of conflict, you stop spinning your wheels in endless cycles and instead focus on productive repairs that benefit everyone.

Examples

• Realizing your annoyance at small habits stems from past neglect.
• Addressing value differences through intentional listening and compromise.
• Linking hidden resentments over shared roles back to earlier unmet promises.

9. Agreements Foster Connection and Manage Roadblocks

Past influences and habits can create barriers to resolving conflict. Some individuals cope reflexively by placing blame, withdrawing emotionally, or rushing apologies that feel transactional. Tackling these behaviors head-on leads to healthier communication.

Gaddis recommends creating explicit agreements in relationships, whether romantic (e.g., prenups), parenting-related, or professional collaborations. Agreed frameworks ensure both clarity around expectations and tools for peaceful resolutions when misunderstandings emerge later.

When both sides take ownership of their role in preparing proactive agreements, future friction decreases naturally.

Examples

• Setting boundaries with a sibling about revisiting past mistakes respectfully.
• Drafting a family schedule to prevent misunderstandings about commitments.
• Crafting agreements with a business partner outlining conflict protocols.

Takeaways

1. Use tools like the conflict box or clear agreements to tackle unspoken tension before it grows into bigger challenges.
2. Practicing NESTR meditations daily helps build capacity for emotional healing and smoother relationships.
3. Commit to developing both listening and speaking practices such as LUFU and SHORE for empathetic, honest interactions.