Good Boundaries and Goodbyes Summary

"Love one another does not mean tolerate dysfunction indefinitely." This book explores how to set boundaries that preserve your health and identity while respecting God's will.

1. Know Who You Are to Set Boundaries

Understanding your identity is the foundation of setting firm boundaries. Without a clear sense of self, you may compromise your values and well-being in relationships.

Lysa TerKeurst emphasizes the importance of recognizing your worth in God’s eyes. Accepting that you are as deserving of His love as anyone else is key. If you don’t know who you are or what you need, you risk looking to relationships for fulfillment instead of turning to God.

Building a relationship with God helps you avoid placing impossible expectations on others. By fostering self-awareness and spiritual growth, you can identify what values and needs must be protected within relationships.

Examples

• Spending time reflecting on what makes you unique and worthy in God’s plan.
• Journaling about personal values and why they matter.
• Praying for guidance in cultivating self-worth through faith.

2. You Can’t Fix Someone Else’s Issues

Trying to improve a bad relationship by fixing another person is futile. Each adult is responsible for addressing their own dysfunctions; your role is not to be their savior.

Damaging relationships occur when one person’s dysfunction becomes everyone else’s problem. TerKeurst illustrates this with the example of her faulty electrical system, where extra steps were required to make things work temporarily instead of resolving the root issue.

Identifying signs of damaging relationships – such as feeling devalued, making excuses for others, or losing trust in yourself – is essential to knowing when boundaries are needed.

Examples

• Noticing a friend blames you for their mistakes and refuses to change.
• Realizing you often defer to someone just to keep the peace.
• Acknowledging how frequently you second-guess yourself after arguments with a specific individual.

3. Boundaries Determine Access

Love can be unconditional, but the access you grant to your heart or life must be earned. Those who consistently show responsibility and respect deserve more access, while those who don't should face reduced access.

Biblical teachings provide an example: after Adam and Eve sinned, God restricted their access to Him, reflecting their choices. Similarly, personal boundaries are a way to manage access based on others' behaviors.

Setting boundaries often feels hard due to fear—of judgment, loneliness, or being seen as "un-Christian." But prioritizing your identity and faith above others’ opinions will help you navigate these challenges.

Examples

• Reducing work responsibilities shared with a colleague who consistently fails to follow through.
• Limiting family visits when personal boundaries have been disregarded in the past.
• Deciding to pause a friendship to reassess its place in your life.

4. Boundaries Protect Relationships

Good boundaries don’t punish but protect. They create clarity and prevent further harm to both parties while prioritizing emotional and spiritual integrity.

For instance, if someone’s lateness compromises your commitments, you can state a boundary that ensures your time is honored. Healthy people will respect firm yet kind decisions, while unhealthy individuals may react negatively, providing insight into their intentions.

Instead of attempting to "fix" someone or coerce change, boundaries allow a mature and responsible person to reflect and adjust.

Examples

• Explaining that you won’t loan money again after prior loans weren’t repaid.
• Reassessing shared responsibilities in a relationship to ensure fairness.
• Declining social plans that interfere with self-care routines, without guilt.

5. Clear Consequences Are Key

To be effective, boundaries must include follow-through via consequences. Without adherence to stated limits, boundaries become meaningless.

A consequence isn’t a punishment or a threat – it’s a natural, stated result of someone’s actions. When people dismiss the boundary, consistent enforcement communicates that your decisions are serious and non-negotiable.

Adopting clarity in consequences sharpens relationships, even if others initially accuse you of being rigid or unkind. Strengthening your faith helps address the guilt or doubt this may provoke.

Examples

• Telling someone you'd end a phone call if verbal abuse begins, then following through.
• Locking personal belongings away if house guests don’t respect them.
• Establishing rules about household behavior with clear outcomes for violations.

6. Forgiveness Doesn’t Erase Boundaries

Forgiveness is foundational in Christianity, but it doesn’t negate the need for personal safeguards. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean giving back the same level of trust or access immediately.

TerKeurst highlights that even God's forgiveness involves conditions, reminding readers that relationships require two-way effort. Therefore, even after forgiving someone, boundaries serve as ongoing tools of restoration and protection.

Forgiveness is an inner process that can coexist with firm limits about what you allow going forward, ensuring your worth remains protected.

Examples

• Offering forgiveness to a friend who lied but choosing not to confide in them right away.
• Forgiving a partner for a hurtful act while insisting on counseling before continuing as before.
• Praying for someone’s well-being while cutting down on direct interactions.

7. Not All Relationships Can Be Saved

While reconciliation is often a goal, there are times when relationships cross a line into destructiveness. In these cases, saying goodbye may be necessary for your spiritual, emotional, or physical health.

Lysa describes instances where persistent refusal to change, participate, or respect limits requires separation. These moments, though painful, reflect obedience to God’s direction and acknowledgment of reality.

Goodbyes are not acts of cruelty but marks of maturity. Moving on with forgiveness allows you to grow while respecting God’s plan for your life.

Examples

• Ending a friendship with someone who continuously manipulates and undermines you.
• Leaving a toxic workplace even after seeking resolution with managers.
• Separating from a family member who regularly violates trust and boundaries.

8. Goodbyes Are Healing, Not Hostile

Ending a relationship doesn’t mean ending love or compassion. Saying goodbye is a step toward health for both parties, allowing you to love them through prayer but no longer at the cost of personal harm.

Holding hope for the other person while maintaining distance reflects spiritual maturity. Though goodbyes create grief, deep faith fosters healing and the ability to move forward.

What matters is the intent behind the goodbye. It’s not about revenge but honoring God, yourself, and the other person, even if from afar.

Examples

• Praying regularly for someone you’ve cut off contact with.
• Writing a closure letter to express gratitude and forgiveness before moving on.
• Creating space to grieve a lost relationship without anger or resentment.

9. Trust God Through Painful Endings

Saying goodbye often carries immense emotional weight. Memories and small reminders can trigger grief unexpectedly, but leaning into God’s presence brings peace.

Reminders of past relationships, even ordinary objects, may evoke pain. However, placing that pain in God’s hands helps transform it into growth. Your worth and faith are your anchors for these moments of sorrow.

Acknowledging pain, seeking healing through prayer, and trusting God’s timeline allows room for peace over time.

Examples

• Reflecting on memories during prayer times to reframe grief positively.
• Joining a community or seeking pastoral support during tough transitions.
• Trusting God’s plan for unexpected developments after ending toxic relationships.

Takeaways

1. Cultivate a relationship with God to build self-worth and strength for maintaining boundaries.
2. Clearly define boundaries with specific, enforceable consequences to protect your relationships.
3. Grieve endings with prayer and trust as you move forward, allowing God to guide your healing.