How to Be a Stoic

"Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control." – Epictetus

1. Focus on What You Can Control

Stoicism teaches that while we cannot control everything in life, we can choose how we react. This simple yet profound practice encourages individuals to channel their energy into what they can directly influence and avoid wasting effort on the uncontrollable.

Epictetus, one of the primary Stoic philosophers, introduced the "dichotomy of control," which urges us to distinguish between what is within our power—a category that includes our opinions, judgments, and actions—and what lies beyond it, such as the actions of others or external events. This clarity can help us avoid unnecessary frustration.

Take, for example, a nervous traveler afraid of turbulence. Instead of obsessing over unpredictable airplane movements, he could focus on ensuring a smooth journey by choosing a reliable airline or calming his nerves with a book or music. Accepting what happens in the air is liberating. By focusing on what's actionable and letting go of the rest, we simplify life and reduce anxiety.

Examples

• A job applicant who prepares thoroughly while staying calm about the final decision.
• A person exercising to improve health, accepting that genetics may limit their dream physique.
• A commuter stuck in traffic who uses the time to listen to an audiobook, instead of complaining.

2. Embrace Virtue Over Material Pursuits

Stoics advocate for a life centered on moral excellence rather than chasing wealth, comfort, or fame. Virtue, which includes traits like fairness, wisdom, and courage, is regarded as the highest good and the true measure of success.

Socrates, a significant influence on Stoicism, provides a powerful example. He accepted his unjust death sentence with integrity, refusing to flee and compromise his principles. While modern Stoicism might not demand such extremes, it upholds that integrity and ethical values should trump material temptations.

In practice, this could mean refusing to support unethical businesses, even if it means a slight inconvenience. The author shares an example of switching banks after realizing his original bank engaged in improper dealings, a moral step that aligned with his values.

Examples

• Choosing not to cheat on exams, even when others do so without consequence.
• Supporting small, ethical businesses over cheaper, unethical alternatives.
• Standing by a friend publicly in a difficult situation, despite potential social backlash.

3. The Core Virtues: Wisdom, Courage, Temperance, and Justice

For a Stoic, living rightly means cultivating four key virtues: wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice. These virtues guide decision-making and interactions, creating a balanced and principled life.

Courage enables standing firm in difficult moments. Temperance fosters self-control, preventing harmful overindulgence. Justice reminds us to treat others fairly, and wisdom helps us act appropriately across diverse scenarios. Together, these virtues create a framework for consistent ethical living.

Consider Nobel Peace laureate Malala Yousafzai, whose advocacy for education continued despite threats and a life-threatening attack. Her courage in the face of adversity mirrors the Stoic ideals. Modern role models like her embody the same virtues Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus aspired to teach.

Examples

• Someone who stands up to workplace bullying despite personal risk.
• A person cutting back on wasteful habits, like over-drinking, to live mindfully.
• Treating others with kindness and fairness, even when it’s inconvenient.

4. Role Models Provide Guidance

Stoicism emphasizes learning from role models to understand and imitate the principles of virtuous living. Role models exemplify the values Stoicism seeks to instill in us, showing how to act and think virtuously.

The Roman philosopher Seneca admired Marcus Cato, a senator whose actions were defined by fairness and dedication to the greater good. Cato even refused bribes while performing his duties – a rarity then. His resistance to tyranny and integrity inspired others, showing the power of virtuous commitment.

We can choose contemporary role models, such as teachers, leaders, or friends, to inspire our actions. Thinking about the challenges they’ve faced can help us act with courage and integrity in our everyday lives.

Examples

• Reflecting on a mentor's resilience during their career challenges.
• Drawing inspiration from public figures who stand up for social justice.
• Learning practical wisdom from a family member's life stories.

5. Changing Your Relationship with Death

Stoics encourage accepting death as a natural part of life, allowing us to live more freely. By contemplating mortality, we can focus on cherishing life’s fleeting moments and releasing fears that hinder us.

Epictetus compared death to the wheat harvest—the end part of a natural cycle. Instead of seeing death as a tragedy, he prompted us to view it with calm acceptance. This mindset reveals the importance of valuing our living days while they last.

For instance, rather than lamenting inevitable aging, one could adopt a habit of daily gratitude. Knowing time is limited, we might spend more time with loved ones and less fretting over trivial matters.

Examples

• Making "enjoying the present" a priority by appreciating mundane pleasures.
• Sharing meaningful moments with loved ones while you can.
• Releasing resentment toward others, knowing life is too brief for grudges.

6. Manage Emotions, Don’t Let Them Manage You

Stoicism teaches us to master our emotions instead of being controlled by them. By pausing and reflecting before reacting impulsively, we can handle daily irritations and bigger stresses more intentionally.

Imagine being insulted by a colleague. A Stoic response involves stepping back to analyze the insult and stripping it of its power to harm. By delaying reaction, we can respond calmly or even choose to ignore provocations, preserving peace and dignity.

This pause also applies to frustrations such as a missed bus or a broken item. Examining the situation through an objective lens reduces emotions like anger or sadness, improving overall resilience.

Examples

• Taking a walk and reflecting calmly after an argument instead of responding immediately.
• Practicing gratitude when inconvenienced to reduce frustration.
• Observing how others handle anger and learning from their example.

7. Develop Authentic Friendships

True friendship, according to Stoic principles, is built on shared values, mutual encouragement, and genuine care, rather than just proximity or mutual benefits. Friends help in fostering a life of virtue.

Epictetus warned against friendships based on utility or superficial pleasures. These often fall apart when circumstances change. Instead, Stoics stress finding and nurturing those few friends who align with your ideals and who challenge you toward self-improvement.

An authentic friend might help you toward personal growth—or challenge you when you stray. By seeking meaningful relationships, we surround ourselves with the values and growth Stoics celebrated.

Examples

• Prioritizing “quality over quantity” in friends, even if it means a smaller social circle.
• Openly discussing important life values with close companions.
• Offering mentorship to a friend in need of guidance.

8. Reflect on Your Progress Daily

The Stoics believed that self-improvement stems from regular reflection. Reviewing each day’s actions and thoughts helps identify strengths to build on and weaknesses to correct.

Marcus Aurelius, in Meditations, demonstrated this habit of self-accountability. By considering his thoughts and actions at the end of the day, he navigated complex decisions as both emperor and human being.

This practice could involve journaling to clarify thoughts, remembering what went well, and noting emotional responses to resolve better outcomes.

Examples

• Keeping a journal where you record one lesson learned each day.
• Reflecting after a stressful day to uncover what caused the tension.
• Making mental notes on small acts of kindness you performed.

9. Have Meaningful Conversations

Epictetus encouraged conversations about life’s core questions—virtue, happiness, justice, and wisdom. Small talk, while easier, doesn’t enrich our understanding or strengthen important bonds.

Using conversations to share ideas or ask meaningful questions fosters deeper relationships and thoughtfulness. Instead of spending time gossiping or discussing trivial matters, focusing on life’s higher purposes benefits everyone.

Try asking your friends reflective, engaging questions during casual gatherings. Even one thought-provoking discussion can enhance the quality of your social interactions.

Examples

• Asking friends what they’d change about their life to feel more fulfilled.
• Initiating conversations on books or ideas that stir curiosity.
• Exploring how others handle ethical dilemmas to learn new perspectives.

Takeaways

1. Pause before reacting to provocation; take a breath, and think of a constructive response.
2. Keep a daily journal to reflect on actions, thoughts, and progress toward virtue.
3. Foster deeper friendships through meaningful conversations and mutual growth.