How to be Heard

“Speak so that people want to listen, and listen so that people want to speak.” – This book asks, how can we truly build connections and ensure we’re both heard and understood?

1. Sound impacts us physically, emotionally, and behaviorally

Sound is more than background noise; it affects our whole being. Physically, persistent noise can harm our health. The World Health Organization found millions suffer sleep deprivation because of constant traffic noise, which increases stress, weakens immunity, and can lead to anger.

Emotionally, sound triggers feelings and associations. A study at Lund University showed how just two notes from the movie Jaws evoke fear and imagery of sharks. Sound resonates emotionally, linking it to memories and responses.

Behaviorally, sounds can change how we act. In Lancaster, California, the mayor used calming sounds like birdsong in public spaces to create tranquility. The crime rate in the area soon dropped by 15%, showing how sound influences collective behavior.

Examples

• Eight million Europeans experience poor sleep due to traffic noise.
• The Jaws theme music leaves people on edge.
• Lancaster’s calming city sounds helped lower crime.

2. Hyperbole and people pleasing hurt communication

Overusing words like "amazing" or "genius" devalues their meaning. We often exaggerate to impress others, but it can make our communication less meaningful. Authenticity matters more than inflated expressions.

The need to be “right” disrupts true communication. Research showed doctors interrupt patients within 18 seconds on average, potentially missing key details by focusing on control rather than understanding.

Similarly, people pleasing hinders trust. A teenager dressing to fit in or an adult avoiding discomfort can appear inauthentic, making listeners suspicious of their sincerity.

Examples

• "Amazing" shoes do not truly match the word’s grandeur.
• Doctors might focus on assumptions, overlooking patient concerns.
• People pleasers can feel disconnected from their own values and intentions.

3. Listening skills are shaped by experience

Listening isn't genetic; it's cultivated through personal habits. Research on twins shows identical genetics and similar upbringings don’t guarantee similar listening abilities. Real-world choices, like reading over watching TV, shape this skill over time.

Emotions play a role too. Newly-in-love couples are typically more attentive to one another’s words. This openness fades without conscious effort, especially as relationships mature.

Our speaking matters, too. Gerald Ratner’s infamous speech calling his jewelry products "crap" eroded trust and caused his brand value to crash by 500 million pounds.

Examples

• Reading enhances focus more than passive activities like watching TV.
• Loving couples communicate attentively in the honeymoon phase.
• Public mistakes from speakers, like Ratner’s self-deprecating gaffe, cost reputations.

4. Eye contact and empathy strengthen bonds

Good communication starts with solid listening, and eye contact is a cornerstone. Studies reveal we maintain eye contact 70% of the time when listening versus 40% while speaking. Active eye contact helps focus and shows we’re present.

Empathetic listening deepens connections. This approach involves prioritizing the other person’s emotions, staying vulnerable, imagining their perspective, and avoiding criticism or hasty solutions. Empathy solidifies trust.

Parents often bypass empathy by offering advice or criticism instead of acknowledging their child’s feelings. Shifting to validating emotions can foster stronger family bonds.

Examples

• Eye contact at 70% helps decode unspoken emotional cues.
• Empathetic listening involves withholding judgment and staying curious.
• Parents who validate feelings build trust in conversations with their children.

5. Storytelling makes your words memorable

Stories captivate audiences and create lasting impressions. Classic narratives, like rags-to-riches tales, resonate deeply because humans relate to structured journeys with emotional highs and lows, like in Cinderella.

Storytelling isn't just about structure; passion helps. When Bryan Stevenson discussed justice inequality in his TED Talk, his sincerity struck a chord, earning a standing ovation.

Clear language matters, too. Ronald Reagan and Barack Obama communicated effectively with simple, direct words, inspiring millions with clarity in their messaging.

Examples

• Cinderella’s rags-to-riches story is a universal crowd-pleaser.
• Bryan Stevenson’s passion for justice engaged his TED audience.
• Ronald Reagan’s plain speech lifted spirits: “Tear down this wall.”

6. Poor posture and volume sabotage speaking

Your body affects your voice. Modern habits create issues like “text neck,” where the forward bend strains vocal cords. Correcting posture through exercises improves voice clarity for speaking or presenting.

Volume awareness is also essential. “Sodcasting” – being obnoxiously loud in public – annoys everyone around. Whether it’s music on a bus or shouting into a phone, it disrupts communication.

Instead, match your volume to context. Being too loud can repel your listeners, but being too quiet leads to misunderstanding or missed points.

Examples

• “Text neck” develops by hunching over laptops and phones.
• Airport phone conversations interrupt shared spaces when shouted.
• Practicing good posture improves vocal projection and tone.

7. Cluttered language creates confusion

Using overly complex jargon, especially in technical fields, pushes audiences away. Politicians who use plain language, like John F. Kennedy’s moon landing speech, inspire more than rambling academics.

Simple messaging ensures your audience can follow and connect with your ideas. The Plain Writing Act of 2010 aimed to make communication easier to understand in US federal agencies.

Avoid over-complicating things if you want listeners to absorb your message.

Examples

• Kennedy’s easy-to-follow moon-mission statement moved a nation.
• Technical jargon alienates audiences unfamiliar with a topic.
• The Plain Writing Act of 2010 discouraged unnecessary wordiness.

8. Distractions damage focus and listening

Modern life is full of interruptions, from constant smartphone alerts to email notifications. Each distraction pulls our focus away and depletes our ability to listen or retain information.

Disabling these interruptions strengthens your capacity for fully engaged conversations. Train yourself to regain presence by silencing tech during important interactions.

Mindfulness practices, like deep breathing and purposeful pauses, also improve attention spans and reduce communication errors.

Examples

• Disabling phone notifications helped one business team double productivity.
• Pausing mid-conversation before reacting gives responses more integrity.
• Declaring tech-free zones in workspaces fosters collaboration.

9. Difficult emotions strain communication

Avoiding uncomfortable discussions is tempting, but silence can lead to fractures. For instance, Julian Treasure's aunt experienced years of confusion and hurt due to her parents' unwillingness to discuss a stillbirth openly.

Confronting emotions and speaking truthfully allows healing and trust rather than letting tension fester. Practice having honest emotional conversations, even when they challenge you.

When you keep things bottled up, misunderstandings multiply, eroding relationships over time.

Examples

• Julian’s aunt’s family avoided discussing difficult realities.
• Unspoken tensions in relationships prevent deeper understanding.
• Family therapy often harnesses open conversations for reconciliation.

Takeaways

1. Practice eye contact during conversations to stay focused and show respect.
2. Turn off nonessential notifications and commit to mindful listening every day.
3. Use simple, direct language in both personal and professional conversations to connect better with your audience.