How to be Love(d)

Love isn’t a destination—it’s a path that requires action, practice, and self-discovery.

1. Love is a Verb, Not a Noun

Love is often misinterpreted as a fixed state, a tangible trophy to be acquired. Instead, it’s an action—a continuous practice that grows through care and attention. Viewing love as a destination, like a "happily-ever-after," leaves people disillusioned, wondering where to go next after milestones like marriage or parenthood. The mindset of "destination addiction," where happiness is tied to achieving specific goals, prevents people from experiencing fulfillment in the present.

When love is seen as active and dynamic, it becomes something you participate in rather than chase. Small "L" love represents fleeting pleasures like enjoying ice cream or rooting for your favorite sports team. Big "L" love, on the other hand, is the deeper connection you nurture with family, partners, or even yourself. This kind of love requires ongoing, honest communication and conscious effort.

Big "L" love also means embracing the process rather than seeking perfection. It’s about being fully engaged in the moment, reaching out to loved ones, and expressing needs without fear. Love blooms when you're actively doing, sharing, and giving instead of passively waiting to "have" it.

Examples

• Communicating your expectations about how you’d like to be celebrated on your birthday.
• Taking regular walks with a partner to spend uninterrupted time together and deepen the bond.
• Being kind to yourself by forgiving past mistakes while striving to improve.

2. Giving Love Creates More Love

The love you feel isn’t created by others—it starts from within you. When you believe others "cause" your love, you place limits on your own ability to access it. By recognizing that love comes from you and not simply to you, you’ll unlock endless opportunities to experience it.

Loving yourself is the first step, and it requires treating yourself as kindly as you would a dear friend. This means setting boundaries, being patient during tough times, and holding yourself accountable when necessary. Self-love isn’t selfish; it equips you to give to others without depleting your own energy.

As you practice giving more love—to yourself and others—you’ll find that it returns to you in unexpected ways. Love is an ocean, not a stream, and your acts of generosity send ripples outward.

Examples

• Practicing forgiveness toward yourself for missing a goal or making mistakes.
• Preparing your partner’s favorite meal, even after a long day.
• Checking on a friend who’s struggling without expecting anything in return.

3. Honesty Fuels Love

Secrets and dishonesty sap the energy required for love to thrive. When you hide parts of yourself—whether it’s your fears, desires, or true feelings—you isolate yourself emotionally. Honesty, by contrast, strengthens connections and fosters deeper trust.

Being honest requires confronting your ego. The ego’s desire for validation, status, or comfort often conflicts with love's selfless nature. For example, bragging about personal achievements might feel gratifying temporarily but risks alienating others. Love grows by dissolving these walls and focusing on authentic communication, even when uncomfortable.

Living authentically and sharing parts of yourself helps lighten the emotional burden. Letting just one trusted person into your inner world—whether it’s a close friend or a therapist—can make you feel seen and understood.

Examples

• Confessing a personal mistake to your partner instead of burying guilt.
• Acknowledging that you need help rather than pretending everything is fine.
• Admitting a career struggle to a mentor and receiving uplifting advice.

4. Perfection Isn't Love

The belief that perfection is required to be loved is a harmful myth. You don’t have to fix every flaw or achieve an idealized version of yourself to be worthy. Love isn't earned through six-figure incomes or flawless appearances; it’s cultivated through mutual understanding and growth.

Social media exacerbates this myth by offering skewed views of perfection. Comparing yourself to others’ curated highlights can lead to impatience and self-doubt. Instead, focus on realistic progress. Celebrate small victories and remember that imperfection doesn’t invalidate your worthiness.

Loving others also involves accepting their flaws. Instead of holding out for people to meet idealized expectations, appreciate them for exactly who they are. Communicate your needs, but avoid assuming others should read your mind.

Examples

• Reassuring yourself that effort in personal projects matters more than a perfect outcome.
• Complementing your partner’s quirks, like their clumsy but heartfelt attempt to cook dinner.
• Accepting your parent’s reserved way of showing love by recognizing it as their attempt to connect.

5. Pain Belongs in Love

Pain and difficult emotions are a natural part of any love journey. These feelings don’t mean love has failed—they signify growth opportunities. When you learn to embrace and process negative emotions, you reduce their hold over you.

Start by naming and locating the uncomfortable feelings within yourself. For instance, acknowledging your racing heart when anxious can help you diffuse the energy. Journaling or releasing feelings through rituals can help you process and let go.

Conflict in relationships is unavoidable, but it can be constructive when approached with love and fairness. Unhealthy patterns like blaming or criticizing only deepen divisions. Instead, see disagreements as chances to clarify boundaries and reaffirm respect for each other.

Examples

• Naming and processing grief after losing a loved one so you can celebrate their memory with joy.
• Addressing anger with a partner by calmly expressing unmet needs instead of lashing out.
• Allowing yourself to cry over a breakup, framing the pain as evidence of a life deeply lived.

6. Progress Over Perfection

Progress builds the momentum of love, while the chase for perfection brings exhaustion. Working steadily toward self-improvement, even in small steps, is more meaningful than reaching unrealistic goals. By consistently trying, you can expand your capacity to love yourself and others.

"Good enough" is often the best starting point for actions, whether that’s showing love through a kind gesture or working on better communication. Accepting that mistakes will happen along the way helps maintain momentum.

Avoid self-sabotage by not waiting to become the "perfect" partner, parent, or friend before showing love. Simply acting with intention strengthens connections over time.

Examples

• Apologizing to a friend for a forgotten commitment instead of avoiding the embarrassment of admitting fault.
• Trying daily affirmations despite skepticism as a step toward better self-esteem.
• Starting a workout routine, knowing it doesn’t need to be flawlessly consistent to benefit.

7. Love Varied Expressions

People show love differently based on their experiences, culture, or beliefs. Recognizing these distinctions can help bridge misunderstandings and deepen mutual respect. For instance, someone might express love through sacrifice while another favors verbal affirmations.

Communication helps decipher your loved ones’ actions. A gesture that seems cold or indifferent may be filled with meaning once explained. Remaining open to differing expressions allows you to accept love in various, unexpected forms.

Examples

• Understanding that a parent’s constant reminders for safety stem from love, even if they sound nagging.
• Accepting a partner’s financial planning as a gesture of care instead of favoring grand romantic gestures exclusively.
• Interpreting your friend’s teasing as their affectionate way of connecting.

8. Boundaries Create Healthy Space for Love

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it allows relationships to thrive. Clear, respectful boundaries create security and trust. When everyone understands limits, they can communicate effectively without risking resentment.

Healthy relationships balance personal needs with shared goals. Saying "no" doesn't diminish love; it empowers both individuals to maintain their integrity. Open discussions help partners or friends adjust expectations authentically.

Examples

• Telling a friend you need alone time after a stressful day but arranging to meet later.
• Asking a partner not to interrupt during work hours while reassuring them afterward.
• Pausing a heated argument by stepping away to calm emotions before continuing.

9. Let Go to Grow

Holding on too tightly to past hurts or failed relationships can block future love. Letting go, painful as it feels, makes space for healing and new connections. Understanding that love includes endings—sometimes without blame—is essential for moving forward.

Love benefits from flexible thinking that embraces change. Clinging to rigid expectations stirs disappointment. By releasing both people and unrealistic standards, you approach relationships with openness.

Examples

• Writing a letter to an ex-partner as closure and burning it afterward as a symbolic release.
• Accepting that childhood friends grow apart over time, but cherishing shared memories.
• Leaving a toxic relationship to redirect energy toward self-love.

Takeaways

1. Begin practicing self-love by speaking to yourself with compassion and setting small, measurable goals instead of lofty perfection.
2. Communicate honestly in relationships, sharing your needs rather than expecting them to be understood instinctively.
3. Learn to embrace pain and let go of past grievances to make room for deeper, more fulfilling connections.