Introduction
In a world where love is often portrayed as the ultimate destination, Humble The Poet offers a refreshing perspective in his book "How to be Love(d)." Despite not being a relationship expert, the author draws from his personal experiences, including a recent painful breakup, to guide readers on the path of love. This book challenges the conventional notion of love as a noun and encourages readers to embrace it as a verb – an ongoing action that requires continuous effort and growth.
Love as a Journey, Not a Destination
The Myth of the Finish Line
We've all been conditioned to view love as the end goal, the happily ever after that movies and books have sold us. But Humble The Poet argues that this perspective is flawed. Love isn't a finish line we cross once and then bask in eternal bliss. It's not something we achieve and then stop working on.
This "destination addiction," as psychologist Robert Holden calls it, extends beyond love to other aspects of our lives. We often think, "Once I get that job, that house, or that partner, I'll be happy." But this mindset keeps us in a constant state of not-enough-ness, always chasing the next thing.
Embracing Love as a Path
Instead of viewing love as a destination, the author encourages us to see it as a path. This shift in perspective changes everything. When we start "doing" love instead of chasing it, we realize it's all around us. It's in the small moments, the everyday interactions, and even in our relationship with ourselves.
Small L vs. Big L Love
The book introduces an important distinction between two types of love:
Small L love: This is the surface-level love we have for things like ice cream or football games. It's about immediate pleasure and doesn't require much effort.
Big L love: This is the deep, life-changing love we feel for people or experiences that truly matter to us. It's the kind of love that brings peace and connection.
While Small L love is enjoyable, it's Big L love that we should aim for in our relationships with ourselves, family, and partners. However, Big L love isn't a one-time achievement. It requires ongoing effort, honest communication, and a willingness to work on it continuously.
The Ocean of Love: Giving and Receiving
Rethinking Our Concept of Love
Humble The Poet challenges our traditional understanding of love. He argues that we don't really "love someone" in the way we think we do. Love isn't a telephone line connecting two points. It's more like an ocean – vast, all-encompassing, and accessible from many points.
This perspective shift is crucial. It means that the euphoria and excitement we feel when we're in love don't come from the other person. They come from within us. The people we love are simply access points to this ocean of love that surrounds us all the time.
Accessing Love Through Self-Love
If love is an ocean, then learning to access it starts with ourselves. The golden rule for self-love is simple: treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. This means:
- Pushing yourself to achieve your goals, but also knowing when to rest
- Forgiving yourself for past mistakes while working to be better
- Checking in with yourself regularly and respecting your own boundaries
- Calling yourself out when needed, but with kindness and understanding
Prioritizing your relationship with yourself isn't selfish. In fact, it's the opposite. When you practice self-love, you learn to meet your own needs, which allows you to be more generous with others.
The Virtuous Cycle of Love
The book emphasizes a powerful truth: the more love you give, the more love you feel in return. It's a virtuous cycle. By practicing principles like active listening, forgiveness, and attunement on yourself, you develop a template for loving others.
This cycle creates a positive feedback loop. As you feel more love, you have more to give. And as you give more love, you feel more being returned to you. It's a beautiful, self-reinforcing process that can transform your relationships and your life.
Honesty: The Foundation of Love
The Weight of Secrets
We all have secrets, and that's normal. But holding onto secrets, especially those we've never shared with anyone, can have serious emotional consequences. It can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and paranoia. Most importantly, it can make us feel isolated and alone, which blocks our access to love.
Love Thrives on Honesty
The book emphasizes that love feeds on honesty. This doesn't mean you need to broadcast your deepest, darkest secrets to the world. But it does mean being honest with yourself first and foremost. This requires recognizing when you're feeding your ego instead of your soul.
Ego vs. Love
Our egos often get in the way of love. The ego craves attention and validation, focusing on small, immediate gratifications rather than the deep nourishment that love provides. Love, on the other hand, dissolves the ego. It shifts our focus from "I" to "we."
The larger and more inflated our ego becomes, the harder it is to access Big L love. By being honest with ourselves and others, we can keep our egos in check and open ourselves up to more authentic connections.
Living Your Values
Being honest also means living according to your values. The book suggests a simple way to identify your values: think about the people you admire most and what they have in common. These shared qualities likely align with your core values.
The Courage to Be Disliked
Honesty means that not everyone will like you, and that's okay. In our ancestral past, rejection by the group could mean death, which is why it still feels so painful today. But in our modern world, rejection won't kill you. The book encourages readers to choose being true to themselves over compromising to please others.
The Power of Sharing
While it's okay to tell white lies to protect a loved one's feelings, when it comes to your own deep secrets, sharing them can be incredibly liberating. Even if you only share with one person, like a therapist, it can help you feel less alone and more connected to love.
Embracing Imperfection in Love
The Myth of Perfection
Many of us fall into the trap of thinking we need to be perfect to be worthy of love. We tell ourselves that once we achieve certain goals – whether it's a perfect body, a high-paying job, or resolving all our past traumas – then we'll finally deserve love.
But Humble The Poet firmly states that this inner voice is lying to us. Perfection is actually the opposite of love. Think about the people you love most – are any of them perfect? Of course not. Love isn't something we earn through perfection; it's something we give and receive despite our imperfections.
The Social Media Trap
Social media often exacerbates our pursuit of perfection. We scroll through carefully curated highlight reels of others' lives, which can make us divide the world into "perfect" and "awful," with no middle ground. This black-and-white thinking impedes our growth and our capacity for love.
Focusing on Progress, Not Perfection
Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, the book encourages us to focus on progress. Celebrate the small steps you take towards becoming a better person, knowing that perfection itself can never be reached. This mindset allows for growth while still embracing our current selves.
Loving People As They Are
Just as we should love ourselves with all our imperfections, we should extend the same courtesy to others. Love people for who they are, not for who you think they could or should be. Having high expectations is fine, but save them for yourself. You'll likely find that even you can only meet your own expectations about half the time.
The Importance of Communication
Clear communication is crucial in love. Don't expect others to read your mind or pass secret tests. If you want something, express it clearly. Tell your partner how you want to be loved, and make an effort to love them in the way they want to be loved.
Different Expressions of Love
The book reminds us that people express love in different ways. What might seem like indifference to you could be an expression of love in someone else's language. The author shares a personal example of his strict mother, whose religious superstitions made her hesitant to praise his success. What he initially perceived as callousness was actually her way of showing love and protection.
Learning to recognize and accept these different expressions of love can greatly enrich our relationships and our capacity to give and receive love.
Embracing Pain as Part of Love
The Inevitability of Suffering
The book borrows wisdom from an unexpected source – rapper DMX – to remind us that suffering is an inherent part of life. Our task is not to avoid pain, but to find meaning in it. This applies to love as well. Unpleasant feelings are as much a part of love as the pleasant ones.
Embracing Unpleasant Emotions
Instead of trying to avoid negative emotions, the book suggests learning to embrace them. Here's a process it recommends:
- Acknowledge the feeling
- Locate it in your body
- Identify and name the emotion
- Accept it and let yourself feel it
- Remember that it will pass
- Consider using a physical ritual to let go
Conflict in Relationships
Even in healthy relationships, conflict arises. But if approached with honesty, active listening, and acceptance of imperfections, conflict can be an opportunity for growth. It allows partners to assert themselves as individuals and negotiate boundaries.
However, the book warns against using conflict as a means to assert dominance or criticize your partner unfairly. Such behavior is toxic and counterproductive to love.
The Inevitability of Heartbreak
The author doesn't shy away from the painful truth that sometimes, even good relationships end. Getting your heart broken and breaking hearts are inevitable parts of the journey of love. But this shouldn't discourage us from loving.
The Beauty of a Used Heart
The book shares a poignant story about a young boy proud of his shiny, new heart, and an old man with a worn, scarred heart. The old man declares that only a used heart is truly beautiful. This metaphor reminds us that our hearts are meant to be used, even if it means they get a little battered in the process.
The message is clear: don't be afraid to use your heart for love, even if it means risking pain. The richness and depth that come from loving fully are worth the potential hurt.
Practicing Love as a Verb
Active Love vs. Passive Love
Throughout the book, Humble The Poet emphasizes the importance of viewing love as a verb rather than a noun. This means actively practicing love rather than passively waiting for it to happen to us.
Practicing love as a verb involves:
Self-love: Regularly checking in with yourself, meeting your own needs, and treating yourself with kindness and respect.
Honesty: Being truthful with yourself and others, even when it's uncomfortable.
Acceptance: Embracing your own imperfections and those of others.
Communication: Clearly expressing your needs and listening actively to others.
Giving: Offering love freely, without expectation of return.
Growth: Continuously working on yourself and your relationships.
Resilience: Embracing the painful aspects of love as opportunities for growth.
The Ripple Effect of Love
When we practice love actively, it creates a ripple effect. The love we give to ourselves allows us to give more to others. The love we express in our close relationships spills over into our interactions with the wider world.
This active practice of love transforms not just our personal relationships, but our entire experience of life. We begin to see love everywhere, in small gestures and grand displays alike.
Final Thoughts: Love is All Around
Humble The Poet's "How to be Love(d)" offers a transformative perspective on love. By shifting our view of love from a destination to a journey, from a noun to a verb, we open ourselves up to a richer, more fulfilling experience of love in all its forms.
The key takeaways from the book are:
- Love is not something to achieve, but something to practice daily.
- Self-love is the foundation for all other forms of love.
- Honesty, both with yourself and others, is crucial for deep, meaningful love.
- Embrace imperfections – in yourself and others – as part of the beauty of love.
- Pain and conflict are inevitable parts of love, but they offer opportunities for growth.
- Communicate clearly about your needs and listen actively to others.
- Give love freely, without expectation of return.
- Remember that love is all around us – we just need to tune into it.
By practicing these principles, we can transform our relationship with love. We can move from desperately seeking love to recognizing that we're already surrounded by it. We can shift from trying to earn love through perfection to giving and receiving love despite our flaws.
In essence, "How to be Love(d)" is not just about finding romantic love or improving our relationships with others. It's about cultivating a loving relationship with ourselves and with life itself. It's about recognizing the ocean of love that surrounds us and learning to swim in it confidently and joyfully.
As we practice being love – actively, consistently, and courageously – we naturally become more loved. Not because we've finally reached some imaginary finish line, but because we've learned to access and share the love that was within and around us all along.
This book serves as a gentle reminder that love isn't something we find once and then possess forever. It's a practice, a journey, a way of being in the world. And the more we practice, the more love flows through our lives, enriching every aspect of our existence.
So, don't wait for love to find you. Be love. Practice love. And watch as the world around you transforms into a more loving place.