If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look On My Face?

Real communication is about more than just words. It’s about reaching out and creating a shared experience where true understanding can flourish.

1. Use Ignorance as a Strength in Communication

Every conversation starts with a gap in knowledge. Acknowledging and using your ignorance as a tool can transform how you connect with others. Instead of hiding what you don’t know, embrace it to ask meaningful and relatable questions.

The author demonstrates this in his interviews with experts. While speaking to an AI scientist, Alan Alda took a light approach and asked, “Do you ever worry that robots might take over the world?” This was a broad, non-technical question, and it invited an answer accessible to the audience. By admitting his lack of knowledge, Alda opened the door for an enjoyable exchange.

Seeking common ground is another aspect of leveraging ignorance. When people share knowledge, it feels collaborative. Ignorance also encourages curiosity, which makes others feel valued when they respond. This dynamic makes communication a two-way street and ensures that both participants benefit.

Examples

• Alan Alda’s naïve question to the AI scientist turned into a memorable, audience-friendly discussion.
• A dentist’s vague description of “tethering” left Alda confused, derailing the experience.
• Improv exercises at the University of Southern California fostered shared understanding among students through creativity and collective effort.

2. The Role of Empathy in Effective Communication

Empathy connects us by allowing us to experience the emotions of others. Mirror neurons in our brains fire when we observe others, triggering a shared emotional resonance. This capacity is central to understanding and bonding.

Recognizing someone’s emotional state gives you deeper insight into their thoughts. However, empathy isn’t automatic; you must consciously look for cues like body language and tone of voice. Consider the example of children under five who project their own knowledge onto others—adults sometimes make similar errors by overlooking distinct perspectives.

Balance is key. Over-identifying with someone else’s emotions might derail the conversation or exaggerate the situation. Empathy combined with logical observation ensures messages stay clear and emotions remain manageable.

Examples

• Mirror neuron studies show how our brains empathize with actions like smiles or sadness.
• Children in studies assumed others knew what they did, highlighting why perspective-taking matters in conversations.
• A doctor overwhelmed with empathy alarmed a patient by reacting too emotionally about a foot condition.

3. Storytelling Makes Messages Memorable

Stories capture attention and make content easier to remember. Adding narrative elements to facts transforms dry information into something lively and impactful.

David Muller’s story about inventing the thinnest glass shows how stories work. Instead of just explaining the technical details, Müller shared how an accidental “muck” discovery led to the breakthrough. This quirky, engaging story sparked media interest, spreading news of his discovery far beyond scientific circles.

When storytelling is combined with clarity and engagement, people are more likely to remember the message. Stories can illustrate ideas, build rapport, and evoke emotions, all of which strengthen communication.

Examples

• David Muller’s “muck” story generated media buzz around his invention of thin glass.
• Popular TED talks captivate audiences by weaving facts into personal narratives.
• Teachers who explain concepts through relatable examples create lasting impressions.

4. The Power of "Yes, and..." in Conversations

The “Yes, and…” technique from improv comedy encourages collaboration and builds trust in discussions. Instead of rejecting or negating someone’s idea, you accept it and build on it.

This approach fosters creativity and openness. When faced with a gun-wielding thief, Larry, a colleague of Alda, used empathy and calmness to engage the man instead of reacting with fear or anger. By offering help instead of resistance, he persuaded the thief to lower his weapon.

The method works in daily communication by allowing ideas to flow, opportunities to open, and conflicts to dissolve. It’s a way of addressing differences with flexibility and keeping interactions productive.

Examples

• Improv actors keep scenes alive and dynamic by saying, “Yes, and…” during skits.
• Larry’s calm, empathetic dialogue helped diffuse a robbery and solve the thief’s problem.
• Team brainstorming sessions flourish when ideas are accepted and expanded rather than dismissed.

5. Focus on Nonverbal Communication

Words are only part of the conversation. Nonverbal signals like body language, vocal tone, and facial expression carry meaning that speaks directly to emotions and instincts.

Improvisational exercises highlight the value of reading non-verbal cues. For example, Alda challenged scientists to mirror each other’s movements, helping them understand and synchronize their body language. This awareness later helped them synchronize their verbal and nonverbal communication.

Nonverbal cues aren’t just subtle additions; they’re primary components of connection. Practicing how to “read bodies” can unlock these layers in every conversation.

Examples

• Scientists mutually mirrored gestures to learn how to align kinesthetic communication.
• In games like charades, body language speaks volumes without any spoken words.
• Observing subway commuters’ nonverbal behavior reveals their moods and stories.

6. Adapt Your Communication to Your Audience

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Reaching one audience may require empathy, while another might need you to minimize emotions and present data succinctly.

Harvard Professor Helen Riess developed empathy by studying her patients’ gestures and unintended signals during consultations. This allowed her to cater her responses to match the emotional needs of each individual. On another occasion, Alda recounted how a doctor with excessive empathy frightened, instead of reassuring, a patient.

Understanding your audience means continually adjusting your message—from managing tone to simplifying technical terms—so it connects seamlessly with their expectations.

Examples

• Helen Riess observed anxiety cues in her patients and learned how to tailor her support.
• A doctor’s exaggerated empathy made a patient unnecessarily worried during an exam.
• Tech professionals simplify their language when talking to non-specialists to avoid confusion.

7. Simplicity Reigns Supreme

Keep things clear and avoid unnecessary complexity in communication. Simplifying language and concepts ensures that everyone understands your key points.

A security specialist, for instance, might lose their audience by using technical jargon that only a niche group understands. Instead, translating ideas into simpler terms or metaphors aids comprehension and sparks action.

Simplification doesn’t mean watering down your message. Instead, it’s about ensuring that what you’re saying is digestible and leaves no one behind.

Examples

• Simplified analogies make complex scientific discoveries accessible in documentaries.
• Alda connected with general audiences by asking broad, relatable questions in interviews.
• Avoiding jargon helps security professionals warn businesses effectively about vulnerabilities.

8. Exercises That Build Awareness

Practicing different exercises reinforces critical communication skills. Techniques include mirroring in improv sessions or analyzing others’ emotions through observation.

For instance, Alda’s participants learned empathy and timing through movement-based games. These sharpened their attention to subtle cues in tone and gesture. Similarly, observation exercises—like guessing emotions in strangers—train you to become more perceptive.

Mastery comes with practice, and these activities make tuning into others almost second nature.

Examples

• Participants mirrored movements in improv drills to strengthen their sense of synchronization.
• Observing commuter behaviors became a playful way to infer emotional states.
• Role-playing exercises encouraged creativity and enhanced active listening.

9. Eye Contact Builds Trust

Simple acts, like maintaining eye contact, enhance connection and empathy. It draws people into your message and fosters a shared bond.

Oxytocin, nicknamed the “trust hormone,” can be released through eye contact, creating a sense of closeness with your audience. Alda suggests picking one person in a crowd to make solid eye contact with when speaking. This grounds your focus and builds trust in your delivery.

It’s a straightforward yet underutilized strategy that gets results.

Examples

• Speakers using direct eye contact captivate large audiences during presentations.
• Studies show that oxytocin levels rise when people lock eyes, increasing bonding.
• Making eye contact during arguments helps diffuse tensions and reset the tone.

Takeaways

1. Practice improv techniques, like “Yes, and…” or mirroring, to improve your ability to read and respond to others effectively.
2. Incorporate storytelling into your communication to make it engaging and easy to remember.
3. Observe nonverbal signals around you—on the subway or in daily interactions—to better understand emotions and enhance empathetic communication.