1. Words Shape Identity

The words we use can significantly influence how people perceive themselves. This concept involves using phrases that activate a sense of identity. By shifting from verbs to nouns, for example, we can inspire people to see certain behaviors as part of their character. Saying "be a voter" rather than "vote" gives the act more permanence and significance.

In one study, researchers compared how children responded to being asked to "help clean" versus being “helpers” in cleaning. The latter group was far more likely to tidy up, as the noun implied a role tied to their identity. This same principle was applied to increase voter turnout by emphasizing identity-based participation rather than a singular action.

Changing our own language can also reinforce behavior. Instead of saying, "I can’t eat chocolate cake," saying, "I don’t eat chocolate cake" signals a healthier lifestyle as part of your identity. This slight shift empowers individuals, making their choices more intentional and less about external limitations.

Examples

Children labeled as "helpers" were more eager to clean up than those simply asked for “help.”
Campaigns urging people to "be a voter" led to a 15% rise in voter turnout.
Framing a health choice as “I don’t eat junk food” strengthens self-perception and willpower.

2. Speak with Certainty

Confidence is key when seeking to persuade others. Using definitive language, such as "definitely" or "clearly," signals authority and conviction. Conversely, hedges like "I think" or "maybe" can weaken the listener's perception of what you're saying.

Donald Trump’s simple and repetitive speaking style is an example. Whether or not you agree with his views, his use of certain, straightforward language captivates audiences. Confidence, however, must be tailored. With highly resistant individuals, some doubt or humility in your tone can prevent triggering their defenses while boosting consideration of your ideas.

Additionally, avoiding filler words like "um" and "uh" improves how others perceive you. This, coupled with speaking in the present tense, creates a sense of immediacy and relevance.

Examples

Reviews written in the present tense ("This book is amazing") are rated as more useful than those in the past tense.
Avoiding "hedges" like "sort of" ensures your message sounds more persuasive.
Eliminating fillers makes speakers sound more authoritative and credible.

3. Ask Questions That Connect

Asking the right questions fosters better conversations and builds rapport. On one hand, thoughtful follow-up questions show you’re listening and genuinely intrigued by the other person. On the other, directly posed questions encourage information sharing, even uncomfortable truths.

Research on first dates showed that asking lots of follow-up questions led to better impressions and connections. Similarly, a 36-item questionnaire, starting with light topics and progressing to deeper ones, has helped strangers bond quickly. Politicians and negotiators also use insightful questions to steer conversations, deflect tough inquiries, and gather information.

Good questions can also uncover honesty. Phrasing matters—being direct ("What problems does this have?") rather than vague ("Is there anything I should know?") increases the likelihood of hearing truthful answers.

Examples

Stanford research found follow-up questions improved impressions on first dates.
Asking "What issues does the laptop have?" made sellers 50% more likely to admit flaws.
The Arons' 36-item questionnaire fosters intimacy in under an hour.

4. Concrete vs. Abstract Language

The level of specificity in your language can powerfully influence how you’re perceived. Concrete words show attentiveness and build trust, while abstract terms can highlight future possibilities or grander ideas.

In customer service interactions, employees who used precise language ("I'll find you those green sneakers") left customers feeling more valued, increasing satisfaction and subsequent spending by 30%. On the other hand, abstract concepts like describing Uber as a "transportation solution" rather than a "ride-hailing app" can make a broader and more compelling statement.

Using concrete terms helps us connect at a personal level, while abstract terms shine in persuasive pitches or when selling big visions.

Examples

Shoppers spent more after reps used specific feedback in customer service.
Startups pitching "future of communication" gained more funding than "video calling."
Concrete terms during negotiations build trust and understanding.

5. Emotions Drive Action

Emotional language strongly impacts engagement and decisions. Words that evoke feelings like excitement or curiosity get our attention more effectively than neutral terms. Reviews with emotional words ("delicious," "electrifying") make readers more likely to visit a restaurant compared to technical descriptions.

Good storytelling also relies on emotional highs and lows. Audiences are drawn to the journey—the struggles and triumphs—that create a rollercoaster of emotions. This is why emotionally resonant plots in blockbuster movies captivate viewers.

Different emotions vary in results. Articles generating anxiety or surprise (hinting at uncertainty) outperform those that evoke sadness. However, in practical product reviews (e.g., tools), emotional language may detract from perceived helpfulness.

Examples

Restaurant reviews using emotional words motivate better engagement.
Blockbuster movies use dramatic highs and lows to pull in audiences.
Negative emotions like anxiety outperform neutral styles in holding reader attention.

6. Blend in or Stand Out

The way we align our speech with a group can affect our acceptance. Studies show that imitating linguistic patterns of colleagues or communities fosters loyalty and connection. Linguistic mimicry even boosts chances of workplace promotions, showing alignment with company culture.

On a creative front, standing out matters more. Lil Nas X combined hip-hop and country metaphors (e.g., "Porsches" and "cowboy hats") to craft a memorable and distinct hit. Creative fields favor unpredictability, whether in language or ideas.

You must learn when to blend in to build rapport and when to amplify your uniqueness, depending on the audience or field of interest.

Examples

Employees using workplace language styles were three times likelier to be promoted.
Lil Nas X blended unique genres and imagery for chart-topping success.
New users adapting site-specific phrases stayed 60% longer on an online beer forum.

7. Show You’re Listening

Using language that mirrors the listener shows empathy and attentiveness. Communicating in a way that reflects their preferences or style can strengthen the bond, increasing trust and cooperation.

For customer service reps, employing tailored, concrete words (like repeating a customer’s exact product request) improved satisfaction rates.

Simple adjustments, like paraphrasing someone’s question back to them or explicitly addressing their concerns, deepen interpersonal understanding.

Examples

Service reps who rephrased the customer’s issue satisfied more clients.
Mirroring a person’s phrases during negotiations boosted agreement success.
Couples counseling often involves reflective language to improve empathy.

8. Definitives Over Maybe

Use of confident pronouncements removes ambiguity and makes your message compelling. Clear statements establish authority, helping you stand apart, especially in leadership or persuasive contexts.

While filler words erode an idea, strategic use of definitive terms empowers your argument.

Examples

Leaders were rated higher when using terms such as “absolutely.”
Present-timing phrases boost engagement in product feedback.
Brands promising clear guarantees convert customers better.

9. Revise Habits Through Self-Language

Changing inner scripts (for instance, saying “I don’t smoke” instead of “I shouldn’t smoke”) creates discipline by reframing habits as core identity traits not easily compromised. Even small linguistic rewires impact larger results over time.

Examples

“Don’t” language improved dieting goals in a study over several weeks.
“Can vs Don't habits” worked strongly removing conflicts.
Personal perspectives shifted positively by avoidance mechanism habit shifts.

Takeaways

Use language to reinforce positive behavior and commitment in both yourself and others by shifting the focus to identity.
Be more confident in conversations by eliminating hedges and affirming your message with clarity and directness.
Match your language to the needs of your audience—adapt between originality for creative contexts and mimicry for group integration.