Introduction
Middle age is a time of reflection, realization, and often, crisis. As we reach our 40s and 50s, we begin to confront our mortality, reassess our life choices, and wonder about the paths not taken. In his book "Midlife," philosopher Kieran Setiya offers a thoughtful exploration of this pivotal life stage, drawing on 2,500 years of philosophical wisdom to help readers navigate the challenges and opportunities of midlife.
Setiya's approach is both practical and profound, offering insights that can help readers avoid or overcome a midlife crisis. By examining the nature of happiness, regret, mortality, and the meaning of life, he provides a roadmap for finding contentment and purpose in middle age and beyond.
The Midlife Crisis: A Modern Phenomenon
The concept of a "midlife crisis" is relatively new, having been coined by psychoanalyst Elliot Jaques in 1965. Jaques noticed that many famous figures and his patients experienced significant transformations during their middle years. For example, the Italian poet Dante found himself "lost in a dark woods" at age 35, just before writing his masterpiece, the Divine Comedy. Similarly, Michelangelo painted very little between the ages of 40 and 55.
Since Jaques introduced the term, the idea of a midlife crisis has become deeply ingrained in our cultural consciousness. While not everyone experiences a dramatic crisis involving sports cars and career changes, many people do face a sense of dissatisfaction and unease as they enter their 40s and 50s.
There are several reasons why midlife can be particularly challenging:
Confronting unfulfilled dreams: As we reach middle age, we often have to acknowledge that many of our childhood and adolescent dreams may never come true. This realization can be difficult to accept and may lead to feelings of disappointment or regret.
Facing mortality: Middle age is often the first time we truly grasp our own mortality. Health issues, wrinkles, and other signs of aging make our limited time on earth feel more concrete and urgent.
Boredom and routine: After years of working and settling into established patterns, many people find themselves feeling stuck or unfulfilled in their daily lives.
The U-shaped curve of happiness: Research by economists David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald has shown that happiness tends to follow a U-shaped curve over the course of our lives. We start out relatively happy, experience a dip in satisfaction during middle age, and then begin to feel happier again in our later years.
While these challenges are real, Setiya argues that they are not insurmountable. By applying philosophical insights to our lives, we can navigate the difficulties of midlife and find renewed purpose and contentment.
The Paradox of Happiness
One of the key insights Setiya offers is that pursuing happiness directly often leads to disappointment. He draws on the experience of philosopher John Stuart Mill, who had his own crisis at the young age of 20. Mill's story illustrates an important paradox: the more we focus on our own happiness, the more elusive it becomes.
Mill discovered that truly happy people tend to have their minds fixed on objects other than their own happiness. As he put it, "Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way." This doesn't mean we need to become selfless saints, caring only for others' well-being. Instead, it suggests that we should cultivate interests, hobbies, and pursuits that engage us deeply.
Some ways to apply this insight include:
Developing new skills or hobbies: Whether it's learning a musical instrument, taking up photography, or studying a new language, engaging in activities that challenge and interest us can bring unexpected joy.
Volunteering or community involvement: Contributing to causes we care about can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment beyond our own immediate concerns.
Cultivating relationships: Investing time and energy in friendships and family connections can create a rich social life that brings happiness indirectly.
Pursuing intellectual interests: Reading, attending lectures, or engaging in stimulating discussions can keep our minds active and provide a sense of growth and discovery.
Another important realization Mill had was that he had been blind to many of life's pleasures due to his intense focus on social reform and problem-solving. This insight reminds us of the importance of appreciating life's simple joys and not always viewing everything through the lens of improvement or problem-solving.
To overcome this blindness to life's pleasures, we can:
Practice mindfulness: Pay attention to the present moment and the small joys it contains, such as a beautiful sunset or the taste of a good meal.
Engage in activities for their own sake: Pursue hobbies or interests simply because we enjoy them, not because they serve a larger purpose or solve a problem.
Cultivate gratitude: Regularly reflect on the good things in our lives, no matter how small they may seem.
Seek out beauty: Make time for art, music, nature, and other sources of aesthetic pleasure that enrich our lives without necessarily "improving" anything.
Embracing the Richness of Life's Choices
As we reach middle age, it's common to look back on our lives and wonder about the paths not taken. We may regret certain decisions or feel a sense of loss for the lives we didn't live. Setiya offers a philosophical perspective on this common midlife dilemma, suggesting that the feeling of missing out is actually a natural consequence of living in a world full of diverse values and opportunities.
The key insight here is that life inevitably involves trade-offs. We simply cannot do everything or be everyone we might have been. Every decision we make – whether it's about career, relationships, or lifestyle – involves choosing one path over others. This can be difficult to accept, but it's also a testament to the richness and variety of human experience.
Setiya introduces the concept of incommensurable values – the idea that many of life's choices involve comparing things that can't be measured on the same scale. For example, the decision between pursuing a career in music or medicine isn't simply a matter of which pays more or which is more prestigious. These paths involve fundamentally different types of experiences and values that can't be directly compared.
To help cope with the sense of missing out or regret over past choices, we can:
Appreciate the uniqueness of our journey: Recognize that our particular combination of experiences and choices has made us who we are today.
Practice gratitude for the opportunities we've had: Focus on the positive aspects of the paths we've chosen rather than dwelling on what we've missed.
Embrace new experiences: While we can't live every possible life, we can continue to explore new interests and opportunities throughout our lives.
Reframe regret as a sign of a rich life: The fact that we can imagine appealing alternative paths is a testament to the many worthwhile possibilities life offers.
Dealing with Genuine Regrets
While some regrets stem from wondering about paths not taken, others arise from decisions we genuinely wish we hadn't made or unfortunate events we wish we could have avoided. Setiya offers several philosophical perspectives to help us reconcile with these more significant regrets.
One powerful argument against regretting past decisions is the recognition that our current life – including the people we love and the experiences we value – is the result of all our past choices. For parents, this is particularly clear: wishing to undo a past decision would mean erasing the existence of their children.
Another important consideration is the element of risk inherent in all decisions. When we regret a choice, we often imagine that the alternative would have led to an ideal outcome. However, this neglects the many potential negative outcomes that could have resulted from a different choice. Remembering that all paths involve risks and uncertainties can help us be more at peace with the decisions we've made.
To deal with genuine regrets, we can:
Practice self-compassion: Recognize that we made the best decisions we could with the information and resources we had at the time.
Learn from past mistakes: Use regrets as opportunities for growth and improved decision-making in the future.
Focus on the present and future: While we can't change the past, we can shape our present and future actions.
Seek forgiveness or make amends: If our regrets involve harm to others, taking steps to address the situation can help alleviate guilt and move forward.
Confronting Mortality
One of the most challenging aspects of midlife is the growing awareness of our own mortality. As we age, health issues and the loss of loved ones often bring the reality of death into sharper focus. Setiya draws on centuries of philosophical thought to help readers grapple with this existential challenge.
The Roman poet Lucretius, following Epicurean philosophy, argued that we should treat death with indifference. He reasoned that being dead is no different from the time before we were born – a state of non-existence that shouldn't trouble us. This "symmetry argument" has been debated by philosophers for centuries.
However, Setiya acknowledges that most people have a natural bias towards caring more about their future non-existence than their past non-existence. Instead of trying to overcome this bias entirely, he suggests a more practical approach:
Recognize the desire for immortality as understandable but unrealistic: Just as we don't fret about not having superhuman strength or intelligence, we can learn to accept our mortality as a natural limitation.
Focus on living well: Rather than obsessing over death, we can channel our energy into making the most of the time we have.
Consider the perspective of "temporal neutrality": While difficult to fully adopt, the idea of treating past and future as equivalent can help reduce anxiety about death.
Find meaning in our finite existence: Embracing our mortality can actually make our lives feel more precious and meaningful.
Leave a positive legacy: Focus on the impact we can have on others and the world, which can extend beyond our individual lifespans.
The Telic and Atelic: Finding Satisfaction in Process
Setiya introduces an important distinction between two types of activities: telic (goal-oriented) and atelic (process-oriented). Understanding this difference can help us find greater satisfaction in midlife and beyond.
Telic activities are those aimed at completion or achieving a specific goal. Examples include writing a book, getting a promotion, or planning a wedding. While these activities can bring a sense of accomplishment, they often leave us feeling empty once the goal is achieved. We may find ourselves asking, "Is this it?" after reaching long-sought milestones.
Atelic activities, on the other hand, are those without a specific end point. These include things like spending time with friends, enjoying nature, or engaging in a hobby for its own sake. Because these activities don't have a defined "completion," they can provide ongoing satisfaction and enjoyment.
To find greater fulfillment in midlife, Setiya suggests:
Balancing telic and atelic activities: While goals are important, make sure to include plenty of process-oriented activities in your life.
Shifting focus from outcomes to processes: Even in goal-oriented tasks, try to find enjoyment in the journey rather than fixating solely on the destination.
Cultivating ongoing interests and relationships: Invest time in pursuits and connections that don't have a defined endpoint.
Practicing mindfulness: Pay attention to the present moment and the inherent value of your experiences, rather than always looking ahead to future achievements.
Reframing daily activities: Look for ways to appreciate the ongoing nature of routine tasks, rather than seeing them as items to be checked off a list.
Embracing Midlife: Practical Steps
Drawing on the philosophical insights explored throughout the book, Setiya offers several practical suggestions for navigating midlife with greater ease and satisfaction:
Cultivate diverse interests: Engage in a variety of activities that bring you joy, challenge you intellectually, and connect you with others. This diversity can help offset disappointments in any one area of life.
Practice gratitude: Regularly reflect on the positive aspects of your life, including the unique experiences and relationships that have shaped you.
Embrace lifelong learning: Continue to pursue knowledge and new skills throughout midlife and beyond. This can provide a sense of growth and possibility, even as we age.
Nurture relationships: Invest time and energy in deepening existing relationships and forming new connections. Strong social bonds are a key factor in long-term happiness.
Contribute to something larger than yourself: Whether through volunteering, mentoring, or supporting causes you believe in, finding ways to make a positive impact can provide a sense of purpose and meaning.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges of midlife. Recognize that it's normal to struggle at times and that you're doing the best you can.
Seek balance: Strive for a healthy balance between work, relationships, personal interests, and self-care. Avoid letting any one aspect of life dominate at the expense of others.
Embrace imperfection: Let go of the need for everything to be perfect. Accepting life's imperfections can reduce stress and increase contentment.
Stay physically active: Regular exercise not only benefits physical health but can also improve mood and cognitive function.
Practice mindfulness and reflection: Take time to be present in the moment and reflect on your experiences. This can help you gain perspective and appreciate the richness of your life.
Conclusion: A Philosophical Approach to Midlife
Kieran Setiya's "Midlife" offers a thoughtful and nuanced exploration of the challenges and opportunities that come with middle age. By drawing on centuries of philosophical wisdom, Setiya provides readers with tools to navigate this complex life stage with greater ease and satisfaction.
The book reminds us that while midlife can be a time of crisis for many, it doesn't have to be. By shifting our perspective on happiness, embracing the richness of life's choices, coming to terms with regret and mortality, and finding joy in both goal-oriented and process-oriented activities, we can find renewed purpose and contentment in our middle years and beyond.
Ultimately, Setiya's philosophical approach to midlife encourages us to view this stage not as a crisis to be overcome, but as an opportunity for growth, reflection, and deeper engagement with life. By applying these insights, we can transform the challenges of midlife into a foundation for a more meaningful and satisfying second half of life.
As we navigate the complexities of middle age, Setiya's work reminds us of the enduring value of philosophical reflection. By questioning our assumptions, examining our values, and considering different perspectives, we can gain clarity and insight that helps us not just survive midlife, but truly thrive during this important life stage.
In the end, "Midlife" offers hope and practical wisdom for anyone grappling with the questions and challenges that arise as we enter our middle years. It reminds us that while we can't avoid aging, we can choose how we approach it – with fear and regret, or with curiosity, openness, and a commitment to living fully, no matter our age.