Midlife

"Middle age may feel like a crisis, but it’s actually an opportunity to reframe your life through perspective and purpose.”

1. Midlife Challenges Are Universal and Reflect New Realizations

Middle age often prompts reflection, with many feeling a newfound dissatisfaction in their lives. Elliot Jaques coined the term "midlife crisis" in 1965, observing that many individuals, like Dante at age 35, experienced significant transformation during this time. This period often coincides with recognizing limitations and confronting mortality.

For the first time, middle-aged individuals reconcile their dreams with reality. Childhood ambitions are measured against accomplishments, exposing a reality of disappointment or boredom. This dissatisfaction tends to occur universally, though it manifests differently for each person.

Studies, such as David Blanchflower and Andrew Oswald’s 2008 findings, show happiness forms a "U-shape" across a lifetime: high in youth, declining in midlife, and rising again during later years. This trajectory reflects the natural challenges of middle age, but also the potential ahead.

Examples

• Dante began his great work The Divine Comedy after his midlife existential crisis.
• Michelangelo saw a lull in his artistic output between ages 40 and 55.
• The "U-shaped" happiness curve has been observed globally across many cultures.

2. Chasing Happiness Directly Often Leads to Misery

Trying to pursue happiness as a direct goal often backfires. John Stuart Mill, a precocious philosopher, became deeply unhappy in his youth despite his intellect and achievements. His relentless focus on his own happiness paradoxically made him miserable.

Mill realized that happiness couldn’t be chased head-on. Instead, people find joy by pursuing meaningful activities or passions that captivate them. For Mill, reading Wordsworth’s poetry helped him rekindle an appreciation for life’s pleasures beyond utilitarian aims. He learned to appreciate beauty and leisure as intrinsic rewards, not simply as solutions to problems.

This philosophy emphasizes focusing on activities that genuinely interest you, such as hobbies, rather than obsessing over happiness itself. Diversifying life's joys offers fulfillment in unexpected ways.

Examples

• Mill’s happiness returned when appreciating Wordsworth’s poetry.
• Pursuing hobbies like cooking or playing music can provide unselfconscious joy.
• Fixating solely on problem-solving or self-improvement can rob us of contentment.

3. Regret Is Natural in a World Full of Diverse Choices

Middle age makes us painfully aware of paths not taken. Fantasies of alternate lives—writing that novel, moving abroad—often nag at us. This sense of missing out largely stems from the abundance of choices in our lives.

Each decision represents a trade-off, forcing us to embrace some values while rejecting others. For example, someone choosing a stable career might still long for a creative life. Regret arises because life’s "what-ifs" are about incommensurable choices—ones that cannot be measured against each other in absolute terms.

Philosophy offers comfort, reminding us that imagining another life often overlooks the richness of the one we have. Wistfulness may persist, but valuing what we’ve chosen helps balance our narrative.

Examples

• Choosing between being a stay-at-home parent or pursuing a high-powered career.
• Debating between staying close to family or moving to a dream city abroad.
• Feeling torn over committing to one passion while setting aside others.

4. Regrets Can Be Reframed as Opportunities

Some regrets feel heavier than mere longing. Perhaps we made a choice that clearly led to hardship or disappointment. Philosophical reflection, however, can help us let go of blaming past mistakes.

Parents often highlight that their children exist solely due to their particular life path, even with perceived missteps. Similarly, any decision carries inherent risks. The alternatives we idealize are not guaranteed to unfold perfectly—they also come with potential drawbacks.

Reframing decisions as part of our continuing story, rather than tragedies, helps us embrace the outcomes they’ve led to. Recognizing complexity in each option can reduce longing for a supposedly "perfect" past.

Examples

• Staying in a "wrong" career that led to meeting a beloved partner.
• Regretting not pursuing law while ignoring the challenges of that profession.
• Appreciating family and friends who came into our lives due to earlier choices.

5. Death Is Less Fearful With the Right Perspective

Midlife often forces us to confront mortality head-on. Health issues, aging loved ones, and personal vulnerabilities make death seem less abstract. Philosophy offers ways to manage the anxiety this realization brings.

Lucretius’ symmetry argument compares death to the time before we were born—both states of non-existence. While this perspective can comfort some, we naturally feel more concerned about our futures. British philosopher Derek Parfit suggests adopting neutrality about time; what lies ahead, he argues, shouldn't cause unnecessary dread.

Rather than yearning for immortality, we can see it as an unrealistic expectation. Just as we don’t lament lacking superpowers, worrying about death can similarly lose its sting.

Examples

• Lucretius’ argument on pre-birth and post-death being parallel states.
• Recognizing our bias toward caring about future suffering more than past events.
• Accepting death as inevitable, much like accepting the limits of time.

6. Focus on Process, Not Just Results

Midlife dissatisfaction often arises after achieving long-pursued goals. Schopenhauer noted that achieving desires quickly leads to disappointment. Attaining milestones like promotions or marriage doesn’t permanently ease inner emptiness.

Instead, enjoying activities without fixating on their end is key. Schopenhauer labeled achievement-driven pursuits as "telic" activities, which have defined "ends." Contrast this with "atelic" ones—ongoing joys like walking, talking, or playing games, which are inherently satisfying.

Balancing goal-driven ambition with time for process-oriented enjoyment replenishes our emotional reserves. By valuing the journey more, midlife can become a time of discovery rather than disappointment.

Examples

• Feeling underwhelmed after receiving a long-sought job promotion.
• Finding everyday fulfillment in playing music without aiming for perfection.
• Taking long walks or enjoying hobbies with no "completion" point.

7. Worry Less About Mistakes and More About Living Fully

Our obsession with perfect choices can prevent us from living fully in the here and now. Fixating on every possible better outcome steals present joy. Instead, acknowledge that all choices involve trade-offs, and perfection is unattainable.

Philosophy teaches us to embrace the messy, imperfect paths we've walked. Learning from mistakes rather than dwelling on them helps align us with life's ongoing flow. Every moment of life holds potential beauty—if we choose to notice it.

Examples

• A missed job opportunity leading to unexpected personal growth.
• Accepting a bad decision as a factor that shaped the good outcomes we now cherish.
• Focusing on small, daily joys like laughter with friends.

8. Death’s Finality Creates Life’s Meaning

Rather than seeing mortality as an enemy, view it as the premise that gives life urgency and meaning. The time limits we face compel us to value what we have and make decisions that shape our destiny.

While immortality seems appealing, stories often reveal its flaws, such as boredom or failing to appreciate fleeting joys. Instead, life’s impermanence heightens the intensity with which we experience love, creativity, and connection.

Embracing this perspective fosters gratitude and helps midlife become a time of existential acceptance rather than dread.

Examples

• Stories like Tithonus in mythology highlight the pitfalls of living forever.
• Scarcity heightens the value of precious experiences, like holding a baby.
• Creative works come from our need to answer time’s fleeting nature.

9. Value Relationships and Everyday Experiences

Midlife might seem dominated by career or family milestones, but everyday joys can bring lasting satisfaction. Spending time with loved ones, pursuing interests, and appreciating the mundane make life richer.

Philosophy see these moments as the essence of a good life. Building relationships, finding joy in activities, and being present in small pleasures create fulfillment and deepen happiness.

Examples

• Connecting with friends leads to meaningful memories.
• Cooking a meal not as a chore but as an act of creation and care.
• Experiencing the calming rhythm of hobbies, whether walking or gardening.

Takeaways

1. Stop chasing happiness directly; focus on hobbies or meaningful interests that bring natural joy.
2. Make time for atelic activities that never truly "end," like conversations or music.
3. See life’s limits as opportunities to treasure what’s present, replacing regret with gratitude.