Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships and interactions. Whether it's a disagreement with a spouse, an argument with a coworker, or a dispute between nations, we all encounter conflicts big and small throughout our lives. While conflict itself is natural, how we handle it can make all the difference between resolution and escalation.
In his book "Negotiating the Nonnegotiable," Harvard negotiation expert Daniel Shapiro explores the hidden forces that drive conflict and offers powerful strategies for overcoming even the most entrenched disagreements. Drawing on decades of research and real-world experience mediating high-stakes conflicts, Shapiro reveals that identity - our sense of who we are - plays a central but often overlooked role in fueling disputes.
By understanding the deep connections between identity and conflict, we can learn to navigate disagreements more skillfully and find common ground even in situations that seem hopelessly deadlocked. Shapiro's insights and practical techniques provide a roadmap for resolving conflicts in all areas of life - from personal relationships to business negotiations to international diplomacy.
The Three Pillars of Conflict
To resolve conflicts effectively, we need to understand the complex dynamics at play beneath the surface. Shapiro argues that there are three key factors that contribute to conflict:
- Rationality (homo economicus)
- Emotion (homo emoticus)
- Identity (homo identicus)
Traditionally, conflict resolution approaches have focused primarily on the first two factors - appealing to reason and managing emotions. But Shapiro contends that identity is an equally important and often overlooked element.
Rationality
The rational side of conflict is what economists call homo economicus - the part of us that tries to maximize gains and minimize losses in a logical, self-interested way. When we argue from this perspective, we focus on facts, data, and cost-benefit analysis. We try to make our case using reason and evidence.
Emotion
The emotional aspect of conflict comes from our homo emoticus nature. This is the part of us driven by feelings like anger, fear, pride, or jealousy. Emotions can override logic and lead us to act in irrational ways during disputes.
Identity
The third pillar of conflict is identity - our sense of who we are as individuals and as members of groups. This homo identicus side shapes our core beliefs, values, and worldviews. When our identity feels threatened, it can trigger powerful defensive reactions.
Shapiro argues that identity is the foundation for "tribes" - groups united by shared ideas, values, or beliefs. Our tribal affiliations, whether to a family, religion, political party, or nation, form a key part of our identity.
To illustrate the power of identity in driving conflict, Shapiro describes an experiment he conducted. Participants were randomly divided into six "tribes" and given 50 minutes to discuss various topics. At the end, they were told they had to choose just one tribe to represent all of them or the world would be destroyed.
Despite the high imaginary stakes, the groups almost never reached agreement. Participants became so attached to their new tribal identities that they preferred global destruction over adopting another group's identity. This demonstrates how quickly we can form strong tribal bonds and how fiercely we defend our identities.
Understanding Identity
To grasp the role of identity in conflict, it's important to understand its two key components:
- Core identity
- Relational identity
Core Identity
Our core identity consists of the fundamental characteristics that make us who we are as individuals. Shapiro breaks this down into five elements:
- Beliefs - Our core convictions and moral principles
- Rituals - Meaningful practices and traditions we engage in
- Allegiances - Our loyalties and sense of belonging to groups
- Values - The ideals and standards we consider most important
- Emotionally meaningful experiences - Pivotal moments that shape us
While our core identity can evolve over time as we have new experiences and adopt new beliefs, it remains the essence of who we are as individuals.
Core identity doesn't just apply to people - groups, companies, and even nations have core identities as well. This is reflected in things like corporate cultures, brand values, and national constitutions.
Relational Identity
In contrast to core identity, relational identity defines us in terms of our relationships and roles. It's about how we see ourselves in relation to others.
Our relational identity is more fluid and context-dependent than our core identity. It shifts based on who we're interacting with and the dynamics of the relationship.
For example, in the tribe experiment, participants initially saw themselves as colleagues working together toward a shared goal. But as tensions arose during negotiations, their relational identities shifted and they began to see other groups as adversaries.
Understanding the distinction between core and relational identity is crucial for navigating conflicts. While our core identity tends to be more fixed, our relational identity can be reshaped through positive interactions. Maintaining an atmosphere of cooperation is key to keeping relational identities aligned.
The Tribes Effect
One of the most powerful forces driving conflict is what Shapiro calls the "Tribes Effect." This is a mindset that pits identities against each other in an "us vs. them" dynamic.
The Tribes Effect kicks in when we feel our identity is under threat. Even minor differences between people or groups can trigger it. Once activated, it generates a self-righteous, adversarial, and closed mindset.
When caught in the Tribes Effect, we:
- Believe we are absolutely right and the other side is wrong
- Focus only on differences and ignore commonalities
- Refuse to listen to the other side's perspective
- Become entrenched in our position
The Tribes Effect likely evolved as a way to protect groups from outsiders. But in modern conflicts, it often does more harm than good by escalating tensions and preventing resolution.
Shapiro conducted an exercise where people debated the relative importance of "humanitarianism" vs. "compassion" - two very similar concepts. Yet once the Tribes Effect took hold, participants became intensely invested in their positions. They saw any concession as a threat to their identity and a form of defeat.
Learning to recognize when the Tribes Effect is taking over is an important skill for conflict resolution. By being aware of it, we can take steps to counteract its polarizing influence.
Vertigo: The Dizzying Pull of Conflict
Another key concept Shapiro introduces is "vertigo" - the all-consuming nature of intense conflicts. When we're caught in vertigo, the dispute becomes our entire world. We lose perspective and forget about everything else.
Signs you're experiencing vertigo include:
- Losing track of time during arguments
- Forgetting your surroundings
- Inability to self-reflect
- Focusing only on negative thoughts
- Seeing the other person solely as an adversary
Shapiro uses the example of a couple shopping for a bedspread. A minor disagreement spirals into questioning their entire relationship. Before they know it, 20 minutes have passed as they've been sucked into the vortex of the argument.
Vertigo is a natural tribal impulse, but it can be overcome with awareness and effort. When you notice yourself getting pulled in, take a deep breath and try to regain perspective. Remember that the conflict is just one small part of your life and relationship.
Taboos: The Unspoken Rules
Taboos are another tribal phenomenon that can fuel conflicts. These are the unspoken rules and boundaries that groups establish about what is acceptable to think, feel, say, or do.
Common taboos might relate to topics like:
- Sex and relationships
- Religion and spirituality
- Politics
- Money
Taboos exist to protect the values and sensibilities of a community. But they can also become a source of conflict when groups disagree about what should or shouldn't be taboo.
Shapiro outlines a three-step process for addressing taboos:
- Recognize the taboo
- Create a safe space to discuss it
- Decide whether to accept or disregard it
Accepting a taboo can lead to short-term harmony but may not be sustainable long-term. Disregarding taboos is challenging but sometimes necessary to make progress.
Nelson Mandela's work to dismantle apartheid in South Africa is an example of successfully confronting deeply entrenched taboos around racial segregation.
By learning to navigate taboos skillfully, we can build stronger relationships and resolve conflicts more effectively.
The Mythos of Identity
When we're in conflict, we tend to cast ourselves as the hero or victim in the story. This self-created narrative is what Shapiro calls the "mythos of identity."
The most common mythos is to see ourselves as the victim and the other person as the villain. This framing makes it hard to empathize or find common ground.
Shapiro demonstrated this through a simulation where participants were divided into "elite" and "lower-class" groups. The elites were given more resources and allowed to set rules.
Interestingly, the elites saw themselves as benevolent saviors trying to help the lower class. But they didn't actually ask what the lower class wanted. Meanwhile, the lower class assumed the elites were out to exploit them.
Both groups were attached to their mythos, which perpetuated misunderstanding and conflict.
To resolve conflicts, we need to understand our own mythos as well as the other person's. Shapiro recommends a three-step process called "creative introspection":
- Establish a brave space for open discussion
- Identify each other's mythos
- Revise your own mythos
By shifting our narratives, we can transform victims into leaders and adversaries into allies.
Dealing with Emotional Pain
Emotional pain is at the heart of many conflicts. While the desire for revenge is understandable, it ultimately doesn't resolve the deeper hurt. Shapiro outlines a more productive three-step process for working through emotional pain:
Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain
The first step is to recognize and validate both your own pain and your adversary's. Emotional pain has two components:
- Raw pain - The immediate gut reaction and physical sensations
- Suffering - The meaning we assign to the pain
By examining our raw pain, we can better understand what's really bothering us. For example, anxiety about seeing your boss might indicate a deeper need for recognition and praise.
Step 2: Mourn the Loss
All conflicts involve some form of loss, whether it's the end of a relationship, lost opportunities, or shattered hopes for the future. It's important to allow ourselves to grieve these losses.
Mourning can take different forms for different people. Some may prefer to process verbally through conversation, while others might find comfort in rituals or symbolic gestures.
Step 3: Consider Forgiveness
Forgiveness is the most challenging step, but also the most transformative. When we forgive, we free ourselves from the victim mentality and let go of the need for revenge.
This doesn't mean excusing bad behavior or forgetting what happened. Rather, it's about releasing the emotional charge and moving forward.
By working through emotional pain in this way, we create space for reconciliation and healing.
Reconfiguring Relationships
When conflicts seem intractable, it's often because we haven't shifted our perspective to see new possibilities. Shapiro introduces a process for reconfiguring relationships to overcome deadlocks:
Step 1: Identify the Threatened Identity
Start by uncovering the deeper identity issues at stake. What core values or beliefs feel threatened?
Shapiro shares the example of Linda and Josh, an interfaith couple arguing about whether to have a Christmas tree. For Linda, the tree represented her late mother and her father's love. For Josh, it felt like a betrayal of his Jewish heritage.
Step 2: Use the SAS System
The SAS (Separate-Assimilate-Synthesize) system helps envision ways for conflicting identities to coexist:
- Separate: Create distinct spaces for each identity
- Assimilate: Adopt elements of the other's identity
- Synthesize: Find a new framework that incorporates both identities
For Linda and Josh, separating could mean having a designated "Christmas area" in the house. Assimilating might involve Josh embracing some Christmas traditions. Synthesizing could mean reframing the tree as a "holiday" decoration that honors both faiths.
Step 3: Evaluate Options
Brainstorm a range of possible solutions using the SAS framework. Then work together to determine which option or combination of options feels most workable.
In the end, Linda and Josh decided to celebrate Christmas at her father's house while keeping their own home free of Christmas decorations. This allowed them to honor all their traditions and beliefs.
Reconfiguring relationships takes time and creativity, but it's a powerful way to overcome seemingly impossible conflicts.
Practical Strategies for Resolving Conflicts
Throughout the book, Shapiro offers numerous practical techniques for navigating disputes more effectively. Here are some key strategies to keep in mind:
Recognize Tribal Dynamics
- Be aware of when the Tribes Effect is kicking in for you or others
- Look for opportunities to build bridges between tribes
- Focus on shared interests and common ground
Manage Vertigo
- Take breaks when arguments start to feel all-consuming
- Use mindfulness techniques to stay grounded in the present
- Remind yourself of the bigger picture beyond the conflict
Navigate Taboos Skillfully
- Create safe spaces to discuss sensitive topics
- Be willing to respectfully challenge unhelpful taboos
- Find ways to honor important values without rigid rules
Examine Your Mythos
- Reflect on the role you cast yourself in during conflicts
- Try to understand the other person's narrative
- Look for ways to revise your story to open new possibilities
Process Emotional Pain
- Allow yourself to fully feel and express emotions
- Mourn losses associated with the conflict
- Practice forgiveness as a way to free yourself
Reconfigure the Relationship
- Identify threatened identities underlying the dispute
- Use the SAS system to envision new ways of relating
- Collaborate on creative solutions that work for both sides
Maintain Perspective
- Remember that no conflict is truly "nonnegotiable"
- Look for incremental progress rather than total resolution
- Focus on long-term relationship building
By putting these principles and techniques into practice, we can approach conflicts with greater wisdom and skill. While there are no easy answers, Shapiro's framework provides a powerful toolkit for working through even the most challenging disputes.
Conclusion
"Negotiating the Nonnegotiable" offers a fresh perspective on conflict resolution by highlighting the crucial role of identity. By understanding the tribal dynamics, emotional vertigo, and identity-based narratives that drive disputes, we can find new pathways to agreement.
Shapiro's insights remind us that conflict is ultimately about human beings - our values, our pain, our need to belong. By approaching disagreements with empathy, creativity, and a willingness to examine our own assumptions, we can transform adversarial relationships into collaborative ones.
While the strategies in this book require effort and practice to master, they offer tremendous potential for improving our personal and professional lives. Whether you're dealing with family drama, workplace tensions, or large-scale social conflicts, the principles of identity-based negotiation can help you navigate disputes more skillfully.
Ultimately, Shapiro's work gives us hope that even the most intractable conflicts can be resolved. By understanding the hidden forces that drive us apart and learning techniques to bridge divides, we can create more harmony in our relationships and in the world at large.
The next time you find yourself stuck in a seemingly impossible disagreement, remember - no conflict is truly nonnegotiable. With patience, empathy, and the right tools, we can find common ground and move forward together.