Possible

How can you view conflict not as an obstacle but as a chance for growth and collaboration?

1. Conflict is a Natural Part of Human Interaction

Conflict is an inevitable result of diverse viewpoints and interests. Instead of fearing it, Ury encourages us to see it as a natural byproduct of human diversity. This perspective shifts conflict from something negative to an opportunity for innovation and problem-solving. Disputes, when handled correctly, can drive personal growth, improve relationships, and even foster societal progress.

Ury introduces the idea of "possibilism," a mindset built on curiosity and collaboration. This approach emphasizes the positive potential of disputes. When individuals and groups engage with conflict openly and creatively, the results can strengthen connections and inspire greater understanding. By viewing discord as the spark for new ideas and solutions, possibilism transforms our approach to resolving differences.

An example of this comes from Ury’s grandfather, Eddie, whose journey from oppressed immigrant to successful innovator highlights how challenges can be framed as opportunities. Similarly, the story of Vasili Arkhipov during the Cuban Missile Crisis shows how a calm approach to a volatile situation can prevent disaster. Both examples remind us that conflict contains hidden chances for progress when approached thoughtfully.

Examples

• Ury’s grandfather turned obstacles into opportunities through innovation.
• Vasili Arkhipov’s measured response avoided nuclear war.
• Possibilism invites us to explore pathways for mutual benefit.

2. The Importance of "Going to the Balcony"

"Going to the balcony" is a metaphor for stepping back from immediate emotional reactions in conflict. It highlights the importance of gaining perspective before acting. This mental pause helps individuals avoid reacting impulsively and instead respond thoughtfully.

Ury outlines three critical steps in this process: pause, zoom in, and zoom out. Pausing creates space to reflect and control emotions. Zooming in examines personal goals and needs, uncovering the true motivations behind positions. Zooming out looks at the bigger picture, exploring the wider stakes and all possible outcomes.

For example, Vasili Arkhipov paused under extreme pressure aboard a submarine, preventing a potential global catastrophe. Parents deciding on their child’s surgeon zoomed in on their core priorities, moving past initial negative impressions. Lastly, understanding “BATNA,” or Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement, allows individuals to zoom out and strategize effectively.

Examples

• Vasili Arkhipov paused during the Cuban Missile Crisis to make a thoughtful decision.
• Parents refocused on their child’s health when selecting a surgeon.
• BATNA encourages seeing all possible alternatives in high-stakes negotiations.

3. Building Bridges Through Empathy and Collaboration

Creating a "golden bridge" involves crafting solutions that others are motivated to cross. The key is understanding and addressing the needs of all parties. Building this bridge requires three practices: listening, creating, and attracting.

Listening builds trust and mutual respect by fostering a genuine understanding of emotions and perspectives. Creativity comes next, opening up fresh solutions that satisfy everyone involved. Finally, attracting highlights the importance of making solutions appealing and collaborative, rather than coercive.

In one example, Ury describes empathetic listening even when conversations become challenging. By understanding a surgical team’s intentions, parents formed a decade-long partnership with their child’s doctor. Another case shows negotiators creating “trust menus” to systematically strengthen relationships. Such actions exemplify how trust and empathy create lasting resolutions.

Examples

• Parents chose to trust a doctor’s competence over first impressions.
• Negotiators used "trust menus" to build credibility and foster agreements.
• Empathy transformed combative conversations into constructive dialogues.

4. Uniting Communities Through the "Third Side"

The third side refers to a community’s role in resolving conflicts. Ury emphasizes that disputes are rarely isolated—they ripple into the broader environment. The third side encourages collective effort to address these shared challenges.

This concept involves hosting inclusive conversations, helping disputes de-escalate, and swarming issues by gathering diverse perspectives to tackle problems from multiple angles. By widening the circle, all involved parties feel seen and acknowledged, increasing the odds of resolution.

One example comes from Caracas, Venezuela, where inclusive public meetings defused political tensions. Another concerns the swarming model used in Boulder, where volunteers collaborated to brainstorm peace strategies for North Korea. Both illustrate how collective action fosters mutual understanding and innovation.

Examples

• Public dialogue in Venezuela provided voices to divided groups.
• Boulder volunteers used creative collaboration to address nuclear tensions.
• Hosting inclusive spaces invites everyone to participate in solutions.

5. The Power of Pausing in Heated Conflict

In moments of tension, our instinct is often to act quickly to defend our positions. Ury argues that creating a pause is a powerful tool for managing reactions and gaining control over the situation. The pause creates room to reflect instead of lashing out.

This concept of pausing stems from stories like Vasili Arkhipov’s ability to remain calm under extreme pressure. Training ourselves to pause might start with small everyday habits, like taking a deep breath during an argument. It brings awareness to the situation and increases our ability to choose a constructive response.

Pausing doesn’t just defuse tensions; it sets the stage for meaningful dialogue. Whether you're in a workplace disagreement or a family issue, the act of pausing fosters good outcomes by slowing things down.

Examples

• Vasili Arkhipov’s calm reaction prevented calamity during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
• Pausing creates a mental gap between emotional triggers and responses.
• Reflective practices like journaling can train the habit of pausing.

6. Creativity as a Resolution Tool

Turning conflict into opportunity often requires creativity. Through brainstorming free from judgment, new ideas and opportunities emerge. Creating solutions means thinking outside traditional frameworks and fostering collaboration.

An example of creativity in action is the Boulder group tasked with exploring peaceful interventions for North Korea. Using the principles of radical collaboration, they generated unique strategies. This process demonstrates the importance of not rejecting unconventional ideas prematurely.

Creativity allows you to innovate rather than recycle old solutions. Whether brainstorming for a project at work or addressing a personal rift, staying open-minded can bring fresh perspectives that benefit everyone.

Examples

• Boulder volunteers explored unconventional methods to foster peace.
• New opportunities emerge during brainstorming sessions free of judgment.
• Collaboration harnesses multiple viewpoints for creative problem-solving.

7. Gaining Perspective Through Zooming Out

Zooming out involves examining a conflict’s broader context. With this fresh perspective, you uncover what’s truly at stake and identify overlooked dynamics. It reminds us that every conflict exists within a larger framework.

By zooming out, Ury’s techniques avoid getting bogged down by narrow details. For instance, BATNA allows negotiators to evaluate their best alternatives independent of immediate agreements. This lens helps make informed decisions and reveals the potential ripple effects of actions.

Broadening your view often uncovers creative or unexpected paths to agreement. Changing focus from “right now” to long-term goals can turn tensions into stepping stones for growth.

Examples

• BATNA clarifies fallback options in negotiations.
• Viewing the consequences of actions helps in long-term decision-making.
• Expanding focus can help prevent oversights in conflict dynamics.

8. Trust Is Built Gradually

Building trust is often a slow, deliberate process, and it’s a requirement for resolving disputes. Ury describes using small actions, called “besitos,” as signals of goodwill.

These “little kisses” gradually build bridges between conflicting parties. For example, taking small but consistent steps to listen, acknowledge concerns, and follow through on promises strengthens trust over time. This approach applies both between individuals and in negotiations.

Trust-building extends beyond words. Dedication to reliable behavior fosters open environments, where collaborative progress is possible.

Examples

• “Besitos” breathe life into negotiations through small acts of goodwill.
• Listening and honesty form the bedrock of trust.
• Trust leads to joint creative problem-solving.

9. Communities Drive Conflict Resolution

Ury stresses that conflicts rarely affect just two parties—they often implicate entire communities. Involving the community through hosting and swarming builds collective ownership of solutions.

For example, a public dialogue in Venezuela provided venues for polarized communities to talk. Organizing forums or group discussions builds empathy and collaboration on a larger scale.

When social groups share responsibility for resolving disputes, creative solutions emerge more organically, benefiting all stakeholders.

Examples

• Venezuelan public forums actively reduced political divides.
• Inclusivity amplifies voices in dispute resolution.
• Swarming generates collective energy and ideas for resolution.

Takeaways

1. Train yourself to pause during moments of conflict to gain clarity and self-control.
2. Practice deep listening and empathy to understand others’ needs and perspectives more fully.
3. Foster collective involvement in disputes, inviting diverse viewpoints to discover innovative solutions.