Introduction
In the chilly depths of a January night in 1977, William Ury received a phone call that would alter the course of his life. On the other end of the line was Professor Roger Fisher, inviting Ury into the world of conflict resolution. This pivotal moment marked the beginning of Ury's journey to revolutionize how we approach disputes and disagreements.
"Possible" is a groundbreaking book that challenges our conventional understanding of conflict. Ury presents a fresh perspective, arguing that conflicts are not inherently negative but can be transformed into catalysts for growth, learning, and positive change. The book introduces the concept of "possibilism" – a philosophy that emphasizes human agency in turning conflicts from destructive forces into constructive opportunities.
Drawing from his extensive experience in global negotiations and everyday disputes, Ury offers a comprehensive framework for approaching conflicts at all levels – from personal relationships to international diplomacy. His insights provide readers with practical tools to navigate disagreements more effectively and create mutually beneficial outcomes.
The Nature of Conflict
Ury begins by reframing our understanding of conflict. Rather than viewing it as an anomaly or a problem to be avoided, he presents conflict as a natural and inevitable part of human interaction. Conflicts arise from our diverse perspectives, interests, and needs. The key, Ury argues, is not to eliminate conflict but to harness its potential for positive change.
This shift in perspective is crucial. By seeing conflict as an opportunity rather than a threat, we open ourselves to new possibilities. Conflicts can:
- Strengthen relationships by fostering better understanding
- Drive innovation by challenging existing ideas
- Promote social progress by addressing underlying issues
Ury's approach emphasizes curiosity, creativity, and collaboration as essential ingredients in transforming conflicts. He encourages readers to approach disagreements with an open mind, ready to explore new solutions and perspectives.
The Power of Possibilism
At the heart of Ury's philosophy is the concept of "possibilism." This mindset is rooted in the belief that human agency can transform even the most challenging conflicts into opportunities for cooperation and growth. Possibilism is not blind optimism; rather, it's a pragmatic approach that acknowledges difficulties while actively seeking ways to overcome them.
To illustrate this concept, Ury shares the story of his grandfather, Eddie. At just 13 years old, Eddie embarked on a perilous journey from Warsaw to America, fleeing the oppressive Russian Empire. Despite facing numerous obstacles, Eddie saw beyond immediate challenges to the possibilities that lay ahead. His journey from a window washer to an innovator in the steel industry embodies the essence of possibilism – the ability to spot and seize opportunities amid significant adversity.
This mindset is not just applicable to grand life changes but can be employed in everyday conflicts. By adopting a possibilist approach, we can:
- Reframe challenges as opportunities
- Look beyond immediate obstacles to long-term solutions
- Approach conflicts with creativity and resilience
The Three Victories
Ury distills his decades of experience in conflict resolution into a single, powerful sentence: "The path to possible is to go to the balcony, build a golden bridge, and engage the third side – all together, all at once."
This sentence encapsulates what Ury calls the "three victories" – a structured approach to transforming conflicts:
- The Balcony: Gaining perspective and self-control
- The Golden Bridge: Creating solutions that address mutual needs
- The Third Side: Mobilizing community support to act on new possibilities
These three victories form the core of Ury's conflict resolution strategy. They are interconnected and mutually reinforcing, designed to be applied together for maximum effect. Let's explore each of these victories in detail.
The Balcony: Gaining Perspective
The first victory, "going to the balcony," is about stepping back from the heat of conflict to gain clarity and control. This metaphorical balcony provides a vantage point from which to view the situation objectively. Ury breaks down this process into three key actions:
1. Pause
The simple act of pausing is powerful. It creates a gap between stimulus and response, allowing for reflection and preventing impulsive reactions. Ury illustrates this with the story of Vasili Arkhipov, a Soviet naval officer during the Cuban Missile Crisis. When depth charges exploded around his submarine, Arkhipov chose to pause and evaluate rather than reacting impulsively. His decision to remain calm potentially averted a nuclear war.
Pausing allows us to:
- Regulate our emotions
- Consider the broader context
- Make more thoughtful decisions
2. Zoom In
After pausing, the next step is to zoom in on our personal goals and needs. This introspective process involves peeling back the layers of immediate wants to uncover what's genuinely at stake. Ury encourages us to ask ourselves, "What do I really want?"
He shares a story of parents choosing a surgeon for their child's critical operation. Initially put off by the doctor's insensitive remarks, they took a moment to zoom in on their core need – their child's well-being. This shift in focus allowed them to see past their first impressions and make a decision based on what truly mattered.
Zooming in helps us:
- Identify our core needs and values
- Move beyond superficial wants
- Make decisions aligned with our true priorities
3. Zoom Out
The final step in going to the balcony is to zoom out and consider the broader context of the conflict. This wider perspective can reveal:
- The interplay of various stakeholders
- Hidden dynamics
- Long-term implications
Zooming out also involves identifying your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). This concept, introduced by Ury in his previous work, encourages considering how you can meet your needs independently of the negotiation outcome. By assessing the broader landscape of possibilities, including worst-case scenarios, you can strategize more effectively and shift from a zero-sum mindset to one that recognizes mutual gains.
The Golden Bridge: Creating Solutions
The second victory, "building a golden bridge," focuses on transforming conflict into collaboration. This metaphorical bridge represents a path forward that addresses the needs and interests of all parties involved. Ury breaks down this process into three key actions:
1. Listen
Listening is the foundation of building a golden bridge. It goes beyond merely hearing words to truly understanding the other person's perspective, needs, and emotions. Ury emphasizes two types of listening:
- Empathetic listening: Genuinely stepping into another's shoes
- Strategic empathy: Understanding others' perspectives, especially in adversarial settings
Effective listening can fundamentally alter conflict dynamics by:
- Gathering crucial insights
- Nurturing mutual respect and trust
- Opening pathways to change minds and hearts
Ury stresses the importance of listening even when it's least appealing, as these are often the moments when it's most crucial. He also highlights the need for self-awareness and introspection before engaging with others. By acknowledging our own emotions and biases, we clear the way for sincere engagement.
2. Create
Creativity plays a vital role in conflict resolution. Ury encourages engaging not just with analytical thinking but also with imagination to open up new possibilities. This approach involves:
- Brainstorming without judgment
- Allowing unconventional ideas to emerge
- Creating a collaborative space for refining ideas
By fostering creativity, we can:
- Bridge seemingly insurmountable divides
- Develop solutions that respect all parties' needs and values
- Transform conflicts into opportunities for innovation
3. Attract
The final step in building a golden bridge is to make the path to resolution attractive to all parties. This involves shifting from confrontation to collaboration by:
- Crafting an environment that fosters voluntary agreement
- Actively listening to all parties to promote mutual understanding
- Addressing underlying interests rather than stated positions
Building trust is crucial in this process. Ury introduces the concept of "besitos" (little kisses) – small, meaningful actions that signal goodwill and commitment to understanding. He suggests creating a "trust menu" of potential actions that both parties can take to demonstrate their openness to dialogue.
By making the resolution process attractive, we:
- Encourage voluntary participation
- Foster a sense of ownership in the solution
- Create outcomes that are more likely to be sustainable
The Third Side: Mobilizing Support
The final victory, "engaging the third side," introduces a collective approach to transforming conflict. This concept recognizes that conflicts affect not just the direct participants but the broader community as well. Ury breaks down this process into three key actions:
1. Host
Hosting involves creating an inclusive environment where all voices can be heard and respected. Ury illustrates this with a powerful example from Caracas, Venezuela, in 2003. A public dialogue event, initially planned for a few hundred people, attracted over a thousand participants from opposing political factions. The organizers had to quickly adapt to create a space where every voice could be heard despite the polarized atmosphere.
Effective hosting:
- Acknowledges the shared humanity of all participants
- Creates a safe space for dialogue
- Fosters empathy and mutual respect
2. Help
The concept of "help" in conflict resolution is about recognizing our innate ability to contribute positively to disputes, even when we're not directly involved. Ury encourages shifting from an "I can't" to an "I can" mindset when encountering conflicts.
Practical ways to help include:
- Listening deeply to all parties
- Asking questions that encourage self-reflection
- Approaching each situation with curiosity and empathy
3. Swarm
"Swarming" involves surrounding a problem with a multitude of perspectives and ideas. Ury shares an example from Boulder, Colorado, where a diverse group of volunteers gathered to tackle the complex issue of North Korean nuclear tensions. Using design thinking principles, they engaged in radical collaboration to generate creative solutions.
Swarming can be implemented by:
- Assembling diverse teams to tackle problems
- Encouraging rapid prototyping of ideas
- Persistently exploring multiple avenues until innovative solutions emerge
By engaging the third side, we:
- Leverage the power of community in resolving conflicts
- Bring fresh perspectives to entrenched problems
- Create a critical mass of support for positive change
Practical Applications
Throughout the book, Ury provides numerous examples and case studies that illustrate how these principles can be applied in various contexts:
- Personal relationships: Using the balcony technique to gain perspective during family disagreements
- Workplace conflicts: Building golden bridges to create win-win solutions in professional settings
- Community disputes: Engaging the third side to resolve neighborhood conflicts
- International diplomacy: Applying all three victories to navigate complex geopolitical tensions
Ury emphasizes that these strategies are not just for professional mediators or diplomats. They can be employed by anyone facing conflicts in their daily lives. By integrating these approaches, readers can transform their relationships, workplaces, and communities.
The Power of Integration
While each of the three victories – the balcony, the golden bridge, and the third side – is powerful on its own, Ury stresses that their true potential is realized when applied together. This integrated approach creates a synergy that can transform even the most entrenched conflicts.
By combining these strategies, we can:
- Gain clarity on our own needs and the broader context (balcony)
- Create solutions that address mutual interests (golden bridge)
- Mobilize community support to implement and sustain these solutions (third side)
This holistic approach not only resolves immediate conflicts but also builds capacity for better handling future disagreements. It fosters a culture of collaboration and mutual understanding that can ripple out to affect broader social change.
Challenges and Limitations
While Ury's approach is powerful, he acknowledges that it's not always easy to implement. Some challenges include:
- Emotional barriers: Strong emotions can make it difficult to step back and gain perspective
- Power imbalances: In some conflicts, one party may have significantly more power, making collaboration challenging
- Deeply entrenched positions: Long-standing conflicts may have parties firmly set in their ways
- Cultural differences: What works in one cultural context may not be as effective in another
Ury addresses these challenges throughout the book, offering strategies to overcome them. He emphasizes the importance of persistence, patience, and adaptability in applying these principles.
The Ripple Effect
One of the most inspiring aspects of Ury's approach is its potential for creating positive change beyond the immediate conflict. When we transform a conflict using these principles, we don't just solve a problem – we create a model for future interactions.
This ripple effect can:
- Improve relationships and build trust
- Foster a culture of collaboration in families, workplaces, and communities
- Contribute to broader social harmony and progress
By consistently applying these principles, we become agents of positive change in our spheres of influence.
Conclusion: Embracing the Possible
"Possible" is more than just a guide to conflict resolution – it's a call to action. William Ury challenges us to see conflicts not as obstacles but as opportunities for growth, understanding, and positive change. By embracing the principles of possibilism and applying the three victories, we can transform our approach to disagreements at all levels.
The book's core message is one of hope and empowerment. It reminds us that even in the face of seemingly intractable conflicts, there are always possibilities for resolution and mutual gain. By going to the balcony, building golden bridges, and engaging the third side, we can navigate conflicts more effectively and create outcomes that benefit all parties involved.
Ury's approach is not just about resolving individual disputes; it's about creating a more collaborative and harmonious world. As we apply these principles in our daily lives, we contribute to a broader culture of understanding and cooperation. In doing so, we move closer to realizing the possible – a world where conflicts serve as catalysts for positive change rather than sources of division.
In a time when conflicts seem to dominate headlines and personal interactions alike, "Possible" offers a refreshing and practical path forward. It reminds us of our innate capacity to transform disputes into opportunities for growth and collaboration. By embracing this approach, we can not only resolve the conflicts we face but also become agents of positive change in our relationships, communities, and the world at large.