Sizing People Up

Who can you truly trust? The answer lies in understanding the subtle clues people reveal in their words, actions, and mindset.

1. Circumstances Greatly Influence Behavior

Understanding a person’s actions often begins by examining their circumstances. People’s behavior is shaped by the level of immunity they have to the outcomes of their actions. Those in powerful positions are more likely to act unpredictably because they are shielded from the consequences, while those in vulnerable scenarios tend to act in more consistent, cautious ways.

During shorter relationships or interactions, people may behave poorly since they don’t expect long-term consequences for their actions. In contrast, longer relationships create incentives to act consistently and responsibly over time. This makes it important to weigh how much someone has invested in your shared connection or the situation at hand.

Relying on gut instinct when judging others' behavior can be misleading. Liking someone doesn’t always mean they're trustworthy, and disliking them doesn’t guarantee unreliability. To predict someone’s behavior accurately, focus on evaluating their environment and context rather than your initial intuitions.

Examples

• A wealthy individual might ignore social norms because their resources buffer them from repercussions.
• An employee nearing the end of a contract may slack off compared to one invested in a long-term position.
• A shy colleague might act heroically during emergencies if their circumstances foster a deep sense of obligation.

2. Trust Those Who Celebrate Your Wins

People who believe that your success is also theirs are the ones truly worth trusting. These individuals go out of their way to support you, recognizing the mutual benefits of your achievements. This shared investment in each other's growth lays the foundation for enduring, reliable relationships.

Such people offer to help even without being asked. They make sacrifices to adapt to your needs, revealing their willingness to align their interests with yours. In the workplace, for instance, they collaborate at your pace or provide assistance with tasks. Meanwhile, those who prioritize only their own agendas won’t make sacrifices or offer genuine support.

Conversely, identifying individuals who don’t see your success as part of their own is equally important. For example, a supervisor choosing someone else over you for a promotion might signal their lack of belief in your ability to contribute to mutual goals.

Examples

• A colleague adjusts their work schedule to help you meet a deadline.
• A friend cheers louder than anyone when you win an award or make a major accomplishment.
• A boss who fosters your professional development by supporting your ideas and championing your work.

3. Trust Builds from a Two-Way Street

Trust begins with reciprocity. To determine whether you can trust someone, consider how much they trust you. Relationships based on mutual trust foster honesty and accountability, while distrust often leads to defensive and divisive behaviors.

Demonstrating humility during conversations creates an atmosphere of trust. Self-promotion or excessive focus on personal accomplishments can alienate others and make them suspicious of your motives. Instead, showing genuine interest in others encourages a trusting dynamic.

Validating others’ feelings and experiences also fosters trust. For instance, criticizing someone might alienate them, while understanding their perspective invites goodwill. Similarly, acts of generosity resonate deeply, setting the tone for more reciprocal and trusting relationships.

Examples

• Avoiding one-upmanship and boasting to create a relaxed tone in conversations.
• Acknowledging someone else’s challenges rather than immediately offering judgment.
• Sharing your resources or help freely, encouraging others to respond in kind.

4. Measuring Reliability Beyond First Impressions

Traditional tools to measure reliability, like interviews and references, often fall short in offering true insights into someone’s dependability. Instead, attention to broader life patterns, self-presentation, and organizational habits offers a clearer picture.

Reliable individuals excel not just in their professional lives but across personal and social spheres. They maintain lasting friendships and consistent habits, reflecting a well-rounded, trustworthy character. On the other hand, those careless with their personal appearance or responsibilities often display these same traits in other areas.

When evaluating a person’s reliability, past behaviors such as meeting commitments and showing attention to detail are better indicators of future dependability than flashy credentials or promises made during interviews.

Examples

• A candidate with a history of stable long-term friendships suggests strong interpersonal accountability.
• Observing tidy and professional grooming as a subtle reflection of diligence.
• A coworker repeatedly showing up late foreshadows unreliability with deadlines or responsibilities.

5. Past Behavior Predicts Future Actions

If you truly want to gauge someone’s character, pay attention to how they’ve behaved in the past. Patterns of behavior, whether positive or negative, provide reliable clues about how someone will act in the future.

Loyalty patterns underscore trust. Someone who sticks by you when you’re criticized or unsupported regardless of circumstances is demonstrating authentic faithfulness. On the flip side, people who gossip often signal deep insecurities. Their fascination with others’ flaws can quickly extend to you, suggesting potential future betrayals.

Inconsistent behavior is another red flag. Unpredictable individuals are harder to trust in crucial moments, as they fail to demonstrate a consistent moral compass. Building enduring relationships means seeking people who display steady, positive patterns of loyalty, respect, and accountability.

Examples

• A colleague who defends your ideas in meetings, even when unpopular.
• Someone avoiding gossiping about others, showing they value ethical communication.
• Avoiding a friend who repeatedly cancels plans or backtracks on commitments.

6. Words Reveal a Person’s Trustworthiness

It’s not just what people say but how they say it that matters in judging trustworthiness. Straightforward language often reflects a secure, truthful personality. Overly complex or evasive phrasing, on the other hand, can signal someone trying to mask their intentions or uncertainties.

Trustworthy individuals use measured language, avoiding absolutes like “never” or “always.” Moderate terms like “often” or “sometimes” reveal thoughtfulness and a balanced approach to communication. Such careful language avoids exaggeration and promotes deeper understanding in relationships.

Additionally, someone’s ability to offer genuine apologies reveals their trustworthiness. Those who refuse to apologize or include defensive justifications in their apologies signal an unwillingness to be vulnerable or take responsibility for their actions.

Examples

• Using phrases that reflect honesty, such as “I often think about this,” rather than “I always feel.”
• Straight-talking leaders who directly explain their intentions without sugar-coating issues.
• Observing someone apologizing unreservedly after a mistake, fostering mutual respect.

7. Spot Emotionally Unstable Individuals

Emotional instability often reveals itself in specific traits: seeing problems as permanent, pervasive, or deeply personal. Such individuals often dwell on negative events or outcomes, blowing small problems out of proportion.

These tendencies hinder their ability to maintain stable relationships or solve challenges effectively. Over time, their victim mindset can strain personal or professional trust. In contrast, emotionally stable people exhibit gratitude and are at peace with themselves, leading to more fulfilling interactions.

Stable, confident individuals are defined by their capacity to focus on solutions rather than dwelling on fear or inadequacies. This outlook not only minimizes drama but also inspires others to trust them in high-pressure situations.

Examples

• An emotionally unstable coworker spirals into panic over minor workplace changes.
• A friend who approaches setbacks by expressing appreciation for existing opportunities.
• A leader who reassures their team calmly in the face of uncertainty rather than spreading fear.

8. Generosity Promotes Trustworthiness

People who go out of their way to give more than they take are more likely to earn the trust of those around them. Generosity, whether in the form of time, resources, or emotional support, signals a commitment to long-term reciprocal relationships.

Selfish behaviors often create one-sided dynamics, where trust begins to erode quickly. To develop strong bonds, align your actions around giving instead of constantly calculating what you’ll receive in return.

Acts of unprompted kindness not only create goodwill but also inspire others to match that generosity, fostering a culture of mutual trust and support.

Examples

• A manager offering mentorship outside of work hours without expecting anything in return.
• A friend surprising you with help during hard times rather than waiting to be asked.
• A neighbor assisting with home repairs without expectation of repayment.

9. Predictability Reinforces Dependable Relationships

Predictable behavior fosters trust as it reduces uncertainty and confusion in relationships. People who reliably follow through with promises earn respect and become dependable allies.

Unpredictable or erratic individuals, however, undermine this trust since their actions create unnecessary conflict or anxiety. Predictability provides the steady foundation required to strengthen personal and professional ties over time.

Building trust stems from showing consistency in values, actions, and words, creating relationships where others feel secure and supported in return.

Examples

• A coworker consistently completing work projects on time and to standard.
• A partner maintaining transparent communication without sudden rule changes.
• A family member who reliably participates in shared financial responsibilities.

Takeaways

1. Evaluate patterns, not promises, to determine who’s trustworthy in your circle.
2. Foster trust by actively giving more than you expect to get back in relationships.
3. Pay attention to how people respond to setbacks – stability often translates to reliability.