Life can be challenging, and even the smartest among us make mistakes and face difficult times. In her book "Smart Girls Screw Up Too", Bella Zanesco shares her journey of overcoming burnout, heartbreak, and health issues to rediscover happiness and success. As someone who has bounced back from major setbacks, Zanesco offers practical advice for other "Smart Girls" looking to improve their lives.
But what exactly is a Smart Girl? It's not about academic credentials or never making mistakes. Rather, a Smart Girl is someone who recognizes there's always room for growth, has the courage to admit her missteps, and is willing to learn from them. This book is for anyone who identifies with that mindset or aspires to develop it.
Drawing from her own experiences and insights, Zanesco provides actionable strategies for moving from what she calls "the downside" - a place of gloom and lack of inspiration - to "the upside" - where you feel happy, inspired and eager to be productive. Her advice covers a wide range of topics, from understanding your core problems to adopting healthier habits for body and mind.
In this summary, we'll explore the key ideas from Zanesco's book, including:
- How to identify what's holding you back and envision a better future
- The importance of positive beliefs and finding your life's purpose
- How practices like yoga can improve both physical and mental wellbeing
- The connection between gut health and mood
- Finding work that aligns with your passions
- Using leisure and creativity to facilitate personal growth
- Understanding your body's natural cycles
- Surrounding yourself with supportive people
- Steps for finding a healthy, rewarding relationship
By the end, you'll have a roadmap for making positive changes and moving towards a more fulfilling life. Let's dive in and discover how even Smart Girls can bounce back from setbacks and thrive.
Understanding Your Problems and Needs
The journey to a better life begins with self-awareness. Zanesco recommends starting by taking stock of where you are now and where you want to be.
Identifying Current Issues
Take some time to write down three key things:
- The current problems in your life
- How you feel on a typical day
- How you would like to feel in the future
For example, you might realize that you're feeling depressed and have lost enthusiasm for things you once enjoyed. Your typical day might involve feeling sad and disconnected. But in the future, you'd like to feel purposeful, creative, and energetic.
This simple exercise helps clarify what needs to change in your life and gives you a clear goal to work towards. It's the first step in bridging the gap between your current reality and your desired future.
Tracing Back to the Source
Once you've identified your current issues, try to pinpoint when things started to go off track. Often, there's a moment in our lives when our intentions get derailed, leading us to where we are now.
Maybe you took a job you thought would be temporary, only to find yourself stuck there a decade later, in a career you have no passion for. By looking back to the time before you got sidetracked, you can reconnect with the passions and hopes you once had.
This retrospective approach isn't about dwelling on the past, but about rediscovering parts of yourself that may have gotten lost along the way. It can help reignite old dreams and get you back on a path that feels true to who you are.
Acknowledging Your Needs
Some people get stuck at this stage of self-reflection because they feel it's self-indulgent. But the truth is, we all have needs, and ignoring them is a surefire way to remain miserable.
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish - it's necessary. This means doing things that are good for your body and mind. By acknowledging and addressing your needs, you're laying the groundwork for positive change.
Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. By taking care of yourself, you're not just improving your own life, but also becoming better equipped to contribute positively to the lives of others.
Adopting Positive Core Beliefs
One of the fundamental keys to self-improvement is adopting positive core beliefs. While it might seem that good things need to happen before you can have a positive outlook, it often works the other way around.
The Power of Positive Thinking
Your emotions shape your behavior, your behavior dictates your habits, and your habits form your reality. This is why having positive core beliefs is so crucial to turning your life around.
If your beliefs are pessimistic, you'll tend to notice details that support this worldview - focusing on negative events and overlooking the positive. On the other hand, if your core beliefs are positive, you'll be more attuned to acts of kindness, compassion, and beauty in the world.
Both outlooks can be accurate in their own way, but if you're feeling stuck in darkness, it's time to start shifting those beliefs towards the positive end of the spectrum. Over time, you'll likely find that a positive outlook not only improves your mood but also boosts your productivity.
Identifying the Root of Negative Beliefs
To shift towards more positive thinking, it can be helpful to reflect on when your beliefs turned negative. This can be challenging, as it often involves revisiting painful or traumatic experiences. However, identifying and acknowledging these events is a crucial step in moving past them.
Remember, the goal isn't to dwell on past hurts, but to recognize their impact so you can begin to heal and change your perspective.
Aligning with Your Life Vision
Once you've committed to developing a more positive outlook, it's important to align yourself with an overall vision for your life. This vision will guide your decisions and actions moving forward.
A powerful exercise for this is to imagine what you'd like your eulogy to contain. While it might seem morbid, considering your legacy often serves as a wake-up call, spurring people into action. What would you want to be remembered for? What achievements would you like to have accomplished?
By clarifying your life vision, you create a north star to guide your journey towards the upside. It gives you a sense of purpose and direction, making it easier to make decisions that align with your ultimate goals.
Taking Action to Build Confidence
Changing beliefs and building confidence can be challenging, especially if you've internalized negative messages from others in the past. This is why it's crucial to take action that both supports a positive outlook and disproves those negative attitudes.
Small Steps Towards Big Dreams
If you've been told you'll never succeed in a particular field, start by taking small steps to prove that belief wrong. For instance, if your dream is to be a clothing designer but you've been discouraged from pursuing it, try making a few pieces in your spare time and selling them online.
These small, positive actions can help you gain confidence and start to change your life in profound ways. Each small success builds upon the last, gradually reshaping your beliefs about what you're capable of achieving.
The Power of Yoga
One particularly beneficial action you can take is to start a dedicated yoga practice. Yoga can have a significant positive impact on both your physical and mental health.
When you're stuck in a negative mood, your sympathetic nervous system - responsible for the "fight or flight" response - is often overactive. This can lead to increased stress and even contribute to health issues like heart disease. What you want is a more active parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes calm and happy moods by releasing chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.
Yoga helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system in several ways:
- It improves posture, which allows the vagus nerve (a key component of the parasympathetic nervous system) to function properly.
- The focus required in yoga practice can interrupt negative thought patterns associated with depression and anxiety.
- The physical activity releases endorphins, which promote feelings of wellbeing.
Moreover, yoga's emphasis on mindfulness and breath work can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions, giving you greater control over your mental state.
Starting a yoga practice doesn't have to be expensive or time-consuming. Even a few minutes of daily practice can begin to yield benefits. There are plenty of free resources online to help you get started, from YouTube videos to apps with guided sessions.
Remember, the goal isn't perfection, but consistency. Regular practice, even if it's brief, will likely lead to noticeable improvements in both your physical and mental wellbeing over time.
The Mind-Gut Connection
An often overlooked aspect of mental health is the connection between our gut and our brain. This relationship is so significant that some scientists refer to the gut as our "second brain."
Understanding the Gut-Brain Axis
The gut and the brain are in constant communication via the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain stem down to the abdomen. This connection is so strong that the state of our gut can significantly influence our mood and mental health.
For instance, when functioning well, the gut produces about 95% of the body's serotonin - a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of happiness and wellbeing. This is why digestive issues like Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) are often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Eating for Gut Health
To keep both your gut and your mind happy, it's important to eat foods that promote good gut bacteria. Here are some foods that can contribute to a healthy gut:
- Fiber-rich foods: These help form butyric acid in the gut, which provides energy to the brain and improves cognitive function.
- Probiotic foods: These contain beneficial bacteria that help break down proteins and fats. Examples include yogurt, kefir, and fermented foods like kimchi and sauerkraut.
- Prebiotic foods: These feed the good bacteria in your gut. Examples include garlic, onions, and bananas.
- Anti-inflammatory foods: These include fatty fish, leafy greens, and foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids.
Some specific foods that are often beneficial for gut health include:
- Tomatoes
- Eggs
- Almonds
- Avocados
- Spinach
- Turmeric
- Ginger
- Salmon
- Lean meats
- Cold-pressed olive oil
Remember, everyone's dietary needs are different, so it's important to pay attention to how different foods make you feel. If you're dealing with persistent digestive issues, it's always best to consult with a healthcare professional.
Listening to Your Heart
While it's important to nourish your gut, it's equally crucial to listen to your heart - both literally and figuratively.
Your heart and your feelings provide balance to your brain's logic-driven approach. When you rely too heavily on one or the other, things can get out of balance and your wellbeing can suffer.
For example, you might have been feeling a sinking feeling in your heart every time you go to work, but you've been ignoring it because your brain tells you the paycheck is worth it. This kind of disconnect between what you feel and what you think can lead to stress and unhappiness over time.
Your heart often speaks up when your life is veering off course. Learning to listen to these signals can help you make decisions that align better with your true desires and values. This doesn't mean you should always follow your emotions without consideration, but rather that you should factor them into your decision-making process alongside logical considerations.
Developing this balance between heart and mind can lead to more fulfilling choices and a greater sense of authenticity in your life.
Finding Fulfilling Work
Many people find themselves stuck in careers they never intended to pursue. Steven Pressfield calls this a "shadow career" - a job you don't feel personally invested in and don't consider your true calling.
Is Money Enough?
One of the most common questions people ask when considering a career change is whether money alone is a good enough reason to stick with a job. While financial stability is important, if you're dreading going to work every day solely for the paycheck, it might be time to explore other options.
As British philosopher Alan Watts said, "If you say that getting the money is the most important thing, you will spend your life completely wasting your time." This doesn't mean you should quit your job without a plan, but it does suggest that finding work that aligns with your values and interests should be a priority.
The Compromise Approach
That said, some people find a satisfying compromise by using a stable job to fund their true passions. If you know what you're passionate about and are using your current job to support those interests, you may have found a workable balance.
Some of the happiest people are those who pursue their passions outside of their day jobs. This approach can provide both financial security and personal fulfillment.
Discovering Your Passion
If you're not sure what your passion is, here's a simple exercise to help you start exploring:
- Ask yourself what you're curious about.
- For each answer, start with the phrase "I am curious about helping people to..." and fill in the blank.
- Make a list of your responses.
From this list, you can start exploring different avenues to see how you might get a foot in the door of a career you'll love. Maybe you know someone who works in a field you're curious about - why not reach out to them for advice?
Taking the Leap
Once you've identified your passion, you might feel eager to quit your current job and launch into a new career. However, it's wise to approach this transition strategically:
Have at least 12 months of expenses covered before quitting your current job. This gives you a safety net as you transition into your new career.
If you're thinking of starting your own business, ask yourself if you're truly ready to eat, sleep, and breathe this business for the next three years. Starting a business requires intense dedication, so be sure you're prepared for the commitment.
Consider starting small. You might begin by pursuing your passion as a side project while maintaining your current job. This allows you to test the waters without immediately jeopardizing your financial stability.
Network and learn. Connect with people in your desired field, take courses, attend workshops, or get certifications that will help you in your new career.
Be patient. Career transitions often take time. Be prepared for setbacks and keep your long-term goals in mind.
Remember, finding fulfilling work is a journey, not a destination. It's okay to try different things and change direction as you learn more about yourself and what truly motivates you.
The Importance of Leisure and Creativity
In our drive to be productive and efficient, we often neglect the importance of leisure and creativity. However, these elements are crucial not just for maintaining balance in life, but also for facilitating personal growth and insights that can actually lead to greater productivity in the long run.
The Power of Dance
For the author, dance has been a powerful tool for personal growth and stress relief. Here's why you might want to consider incorporating dance or a similar physical activity into your life:
Stress Relief: Dancing is an excellent way to release the tensions of everyday life. The physical movement combined with music can be incredibly cathartic.
Mental Health Benefits: A study by Rosa Pinniger of the University of New England found that the intense focus required in dance can interrupt negative thought patterns associated with depression and anxiety.
Emotional Processing: When we're fully engaged in an activity that's not tied to competition or career, we can be truly present with ourselves. This can lead to touching on emotions that are usually inaccessible during the typical workday.
Personal Revelations: The author shares a powerful experience where, during a dance class, she suddenly felt a deep connection to her mother and realized she hadn't been prioritizing their relationship. This led her to immediately reach out and express her feelings.
Creativity for Its Own Sake
The benefits of dance exemplify what can happen when you pursue creativity purely for its own sake, outside the realms of competition or criticism. This doesn't have to be dance - it could be drawing, photography, writing, gardening, or any activity that allows you to lose yourself in creative expression.
When you engage in these activities:
- Your inner critic is silenced, allowing you to connect with your essential self.
- You can learn more about yourself and your emotions.
- You may gain new perspectives on your life and relationships.
- You give your analytical mind a rest, potentially leading to creative solutions to problems in other areas of your life.
Making Time for Leisure
In our busy lives, it's easy to push leisure activities to the bottom of our to-do lists. However, it's crucial to prioritize these activities for our overall wellbeing. Here are some tips for incorporating more leisure and creativity into your life:
Schedule it: Just as you would schedule a work meeting, put your leisure activities on your calendar.
Start small: Even 15 minutes a day of a creative activity can make a difference.
Experiment: Try different activities until you find ones that truly engage and energize you.
Let go of perfectionism: Remember, the goal is enjoyment and self-expression, not creating a masterpiece.
Join a group: Participating in group activities can provide motivation and social connection.
By making time for leisure and creativity, you're not just having fun - you're investing in your mental health, personal growth, and overall life satisfaction. These activities can provide a much-needed counterbalance to the stresses of daily life and help you maintain perspective on what truly matters to you.
Understanding Your Body's Natural Cycles
For women, understanding and working with the body's natural cycles can be a powerful tool for improving both physical and mental health. While many women use hormonal birth control methods like the pill for various reasons, there can be downsides to altering the body's natural hormonal balance.
The Potential Downsides of Hormonal Birth Control
While hormonal birth control methods like the pill can offer benefits such as reduced period pain and acne control, they may also come with some risks:
Increased risk of depression: A University of Copenhagen study found that women taking the pill were 23% more likely to experience depression. For those taking the progestin-only "mini pill," the risk increased to 34%.
Higher cancer risks: The US National Cancer Institute has found that the pill may increase a woman's chances of certain cancers, including breast, cervical, and liver cancers.
Masking underlying issues: Hormonal birth control can sometimes mask underlying hormonal imbalances or health issues.
The Natural Fertility Awareness Method
The author shares her experience of breaking free from synthetic hormones and adopting the Natural Fertility Awareness Method. This approach involves tracking your body's natural cycles to understand when you're fertile. Benefits of this method include:
Greater body awareness: You learn to recognize and interpret your body's natural signals.
Hormone balance: Without synthetic hormones, your body can return to its natural rhythms.
Potential health benefits: Some women report improvements in mood, energy levels, and overall wellbeing after stopping hormonal birth control.
Understanding Your Cycle
A typical menstrual cycle lasts about 28 days and can be divided into several phases. Understanding these phases can help you plan your activities and make the most of your natural energy levels:
Menstruation (Days 1-5): This is when your period occurs. Energy levels may be lower during this time.
Follicular Phase (Days 6-14): Estrogen levels rise, often leading to increased energy and creativity.
Ovulation (Around Day 14): This is when an egg is released. Many women experience a peak in energy and confidence during this time.
Luteal Phase (Days 15-28): Progesterone levels rise. You may feel more introspective during this phase.
The author found that understanding these phases allowed her to plan her activities more effectively. For example, she realized that during the ovulation phase (days 15-21), she experienced a rise in estrogen and testosterone, leading to increased confidence and creativity. She found this to be an ideal time for making important decisions, being creative, and launching new projects.
Transitioning Off Hormonal Birth Control
If you're considering stopping hormonal birth control, it's important to approach this decision carefully:
Consult your doctor: Discuss your options and any potential risks or side effects.
Be prepared for changes: Your body may take time to adjust to its natural rhythms.
Adopt a healthy lifestyle: The author found that a clean diet, regular exercise, and listening to her body were crucial during this transition.
Consider alternative birth control methods: Discuss non-hormonal options with your healthcare provider.
Track your cycle: Use apps or journals to monitor your menstrual cycle and associated symptoms.
Remember, what works for one person may not work for another. The key is to listen to your body and work with healthcare professionals to find the approach that's best for you.
By understanding and working with your body's natural cycles, you can potentially improve your overall wellbeing, energy levels, and productivity. This knowledge can be a powerful tool in your journey towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Building Your Support Network
The people we surround ourselves with can have a profound impact on our mood, motivation, and overall success in life. As you work on improving your life, it's crucial to cultivate a supportive inner circle. The author identifies six key personality types that can contribute to a positive support network:
1. The Catalyst
This is someone who opens your eyes to new possibilities. They introduce you to exciting ideas and opportunities that you might not have discovered on your own. A Catalyst could be a creative friend who always knows the perfect book to recommend or a mentor who helps you see your potential in new ways.
2. The Player
The Player is your fun-loving friend who refuses to let you wallow in self-pity. They have an infectious smile and a knack for reminding you of all the good and beautiful things in life. When you're feeling down, the Player is the one who can lift your spirits and help you see the lighter side of things.
3. The Nurturer
When you need unconditional support, the Nurturer is there for you. This is the friend who brings you chicken soup when you're sick, listens without judgment when you need to vent, and offers comfort during tough times. The Nurturer provides a safe space for you to be vulnerable and recharge.
4. The Inspirer
The Inspirer is full of encouragement, wisdom, and hope. After spending time with an Inspirer, you feel more confident and excited about life's possibilities. They have a way of helping you see your own potential and motivating you to pursue your dreams.
5. The Challenger
The Challenger helps you see things from new perspectives. They're not afraid to question the status quo and encourage you to think critically. While they might not be great at small talk, you value them for their unique viewpoints and the thought-provoking discussions they initiate.
6. The Lover
The Lover offers unconditional love and is always there for heart-to-heart conversations. This could be a childhood friend, a family member, or anyone else who accepts you completely. The Lover stands by you even in your darkest moments, offering unwavering support.
The Maker (Bonus)
The author also mentions a bonus member of your inner circle: the Maker, which refers to your romantic partner. However, it's important to note that your partner doesn't need to fulfill all the other roles in your support network. Many relationships struggle under the weight of unrealistic expectations that a partner should be nurturing, inspiring, challenging, and playful all at once.
Building Your Support Network
To cultivate a strong support network:
- Identify who currently fills these roles in your life.
- Recognize any gaps in your support system.
- Actively seek out relationships that can fill these gaps.
- Nurture and appreciate the relationships you already have.
- Be willing to play these roles for others as well - support networks work best when they're reciprocal.
Remember, it's rare for one person to fulfill all these roles. The goal is to have a diverse network of supportive relationships that collectively meet your needs for growth, support, and connection.
By surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people who fulfill these different roles, you create an environment that nurtures your personal growth and helps you navigate life's challenges. This support network can be a powerful asset as you work towards creating the life you want.
Finding Love and Building Healthy Relationships
Many people struggle with finding and maintaining fulfilling romantic relationships. In a survey of 2,000 women between 25 and 45, the author found that seven out of ten believed their true love was either nonexistent, dead, or married to someone else. As a result, many settle for less than they deserve.
However, finding love isn't about waiting for a fairy tale ending or settling for whoever comes along. It's a step-by-step process that starts with self-love and personal growth.
Step 1: Dating Yourself
Before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else, it's crucial to have a good relationship with yourself. This involves:
Self-reflection: Are you the kind of person you'd want to wake up next to for the rest of your life?
Self-improvement: Work on healing past wounds and finding your passion in life.
Self-love: Learn to appreciate and value yourself without needing validation from others.
Self-care: Prioritize your physical and mental health.
This phase is about becoming the best version of yourself, not for someone else, but for you. It's about building self-confidence and self-awareness, which are crucial foundations for healthy relationships.
Step 2: Dating Others
Once you're feeling self-assured and not looking for external validation, you're ready to start dating others. At this stage:
Be open: Approach dating with an open mind and heart.
Know what you want: Make a list of qualities you're looking for in a partner. The author's list included:
- Ability to share feelings
- Operates as a team
- Trustworthy
- Brings out the best in you
- Teaches you new things
- Shares common interests and has fun together
Take your time: There's no need to rush into a relationship. Use this time to really get to know people and see if you're compatible.
Learn from each experience: Even if a date doesn't lead to a relationship, it can teach you something about yourself and what you're looking for.
Step 3: Choosing a Partner
When you're ready to move from dating to a committed relationship, consider:
Mutual choice: Have you found someone who deserves your love and who also chooses you wholeheartedly?
Support and growth: Look for someone who inspires you to be a better person, and vice versa.
Shared values: While you don't need to agree on everything, having core values in alignment is important for long-term compatibility.
Acceptance: Choose someone who accepts you as you are, rather than trying to change you.
Building a Healthy Relationship
Once you've found a partner, maintaining a healthy relationship requires ongoing effort:
Communication: Be open and honest about your feelings, needs, and expectations.
Respect: Treat each other with kindness and consideration.
Independence: Maintain your own interests and friendships outside the relationship.
Teamwork: Face challenges together and support each other's goals.
Growth: Continue to work on yourself and encourage your partner's personal growth.
Forgiveness: Be willing to forgive small mistakes and work through larger issues together.
Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude for your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship.
Remember, a healthy relationship isn't about finding someone who "completes" you, but about two whole individuals choosing to share their lives and grow together.
Final Thoughts
Throughout "Smart Girls Screw Up Too," Bella Zanesco offers a wealth of advice for women looking to improve their lives and find greater happiness and fulfillment. Here's a recap of some key takeaways:
Self-awareness is crucial: Understanding your current problems, needs, and desires is the first step towards positive change.
Positive thinking matters: Your core beliefs shape your reality, so cultivating a positive outlook can lead to real improvements in your life.
Take care of your body: From yoga to nutrition, physical health plays a big role in mental wellbeing.
Find work you love: Aligning your career with your passions can greatly increase your overall life satisfaction.
Make time for creativity and leisure: These activities aren't just fun - they're essential for personal growth and stress relief.
Understand your body: For women, working with your natural cycles can lead to better health and increased productivity.
Surround yourself with support: Building a diverse network of supportive relationships is crucial for personal growth and resilience.
Love starts with self-love: Before seeking a romantic partner, focus on developing a healthy relationship with yourself.
The journey to the "upside" - a place of happiness, inspiration, and productivity - isn't always easy. It requires self-reflection, willingness to change, and often, the courage to step out of your comfort zone. But as Zanesco's own story demonstrates, it's a journey worth taking.
Remember, being a "Smart Girl" isn't about perfection. It's about recognizing that there's always room for growth, having the courage to admit when you've made mistakes, and being willing to learn and evolve.
As you apply these lessons to your own life, be patient with yourself. Change takes time, and setbacks are a normal part of the process. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and keep moving forward.
Ultimately, the goal is not to create a perfect life, but to create a life that feels authentic, fulfilling, and true to who you are. By implementing the strategies outlined in this book, you can start moving towards that goal, one step at a time.
Whether you're dealing with career frustrations, relationship challenges, health issues, or simply a general sense of dissatisfaction, remember that you have the power to change your circumstances. You are the author of your own story, and with the right tools and mindset, you can write a future filled with joy, purpose, and success.
So here's to all the Smart Girls out there - may you embrace your mistakes, learn from them, and use them as stepping stones on your journey to the upside. Your best life is waiting for you. It's time to go out there and claim it.