Smart Sex

Sex is not just a physical act; it’s a vibrant, evolving part of human life that thrives on emotional connection, self-awareness, and open communication.

1. Your Mind is the Key to Better Sex

Sexual satisfaction isn’t just about physical techniques or prowess; it starts in the mind. Emily Morse introduces the concept of "Sex IQ," which is akin to emotional intelligence but focused on intimacy. This mental framework helps you understand how psychological, emotional, and collaborative factors shape your sexual experiences.

The five pillars of sexual intelligence—embodiment, health, collaboration, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance—serve as a foundation for improving intimacy. For example, embodiment encourages mindfulness during sex, helping you stay present and connected to your body. Health emphasizes the importance of physical and hormonal well-being, while collaboration highlights the need for open communication and shared effort in a relationship.

By focusing on self-knowledge and self-acceptance, you can better understand your desires and confront insecurities. These pillars work together to create a holistic approach to intimacy, moving beyond the physical to include emotional and mental dimensions.

Examples

• Practicing mindfulness exercises like deep breathing to stay present during intimacy.
• Balancing hormones through diet, exercise, or consulting a healthcare provider.
• Using open conversations to align with your partner’s needs and desires.

2. Stress, Trauma, and Shame: The Hidden Barriers

Stress, trauma, and shame—referred to as STS—are often silent disruptors of sexual fulfillment. These emotional barriers can prevent you from fully enjoying intimacy, even if you’re unaware of their impact.

Stress, for instance, keeps your body in a state of tension, making it difficult to relax and connect. Trauma, whether from significant events or smaller negative experiences, creates emotional walls that block vulnerability. Shame, on the other hand, distorts your self-image, making you feel unworthy of pleasure or intimacy.

Addressing these barriers requires intentional effort. Stress can be managed through mindfulness, exercise, and self-care. Trauma may need professional therapy to process and heal. Reframing shame involves recognizing it as an external influence and replacing negative self-talk with self-compassion.

Examples

• Setting aside time for relaxation and self-care to reduce stress.
• Seeking therapy to work through past traumatic experiences.
• Journaling to identify and challenge shame-based thoughts.

3. Communication is the Bridge to Better Intimacy

Good sex doesn’t just happen—it’s built on open, honest communication. Discussing desires, boundaries, and preferences with your partner is essential for a fulfilling intimate life.

Morse emphasizes the "three T’s" of communication: timing, tone, and turf. Timing ensures both partners are ready to talk and listen. Tone should be curious and non-judgmental, using phrases like "I feel" or "we could try." Turf refers to choosing a neutral space for these conversations, keeping the bedroom a place for rest and intimacy.

Different types of sex talk can deepen your connection. Giving feedback, sharing past positive experiences, and creating a sexual bucket list are all ways to foster understanding and excitement. These conversations not only improve your sex life but also strengthen your overall relationship.

Examples

• Using the "compliment sandwich" method to give constructive feedback.
• Recalling a memorable intimate moment to identify what worked well.
• Brainstorming a sexual bucket list together to explore new ideas.

4. The Many Faces of Orgasms

Orgasms are not a one-size-fits-all experience. They are a complex interplay of physical, emotional, and mental factors, offering a wide range of sensations and possibilities.

For those with penises, orgasms can include ejaculation, prostate stimulation, or even "coregasms" triggered by abdominal exercises. For those with vulvas, clitoral, G-spot, and A-spot stimulation can lead to different types of orgasms. Some people can even experience multiple orgasms without needing a recovery period.

Exploring these possibilities requires curiosity and experimentation. Whether it’s trying new techniques, using toys, or practicing Kegel exercises, the goal is to discover what feels best for you. Remember, the journey is just as important as the destination.

Examples

• Experimenting with prostate stimulation for a new type of orgasm.
• Exploring the G-spot or A-spot to discover different sensations.
• Practicing Kegel exercises to enhance sexual pleasure.

5. Pleasure is More Than the Orgasm

While orgasms are often seen as the ultimate goal, Morse reminds readers that they are just one part of a fulfilling sexual experience. Focusing solely on the "Big O" can create unnecessary pressure and detract from the overall enjoyment.

Instead, view intimacy as a journey. Savor the sensations, emotions, and connection that come with being present in the moment. This shift in perspective can make your sexual experiences more meaningful and enjoyable, even if they don’t always end in orgasm.

Examples

• Practicing "edging" to prolong pleasure and build anticipation.
• Using sensory play to focus on touch, taste, and other sensations.
• Setting aside time for non-sexual intimacy, like cuddling or massage.

6. Embracing Your Kinky Side

Exploring kinks can add excitement and variety to your sex life. A kink is simply an unconventional practice or fantasy that brings you pleasure, and it can be a powerful way to deepen your connection with your partner.

From dirty talk to role play to BDSM, there are countless ways to experiment. The key is open communication and mutual consent. Discussing your fantasies and boundaries with your partner creates a safe space for exploration and discovery.

Trying new things can also strengthen the five pillars of sexual intelligence. It encourages self-knowledge, collaboration, and self-acceptance, while also fostering a sense of adventure and playfulness.

Examples

• Experimenting with light bondage or power dynamics in a consensual way.
• Trying role play scenarios that align with your fantasies.
• Using dirty talk to express desires and build anticipation.

7. Self-Acceptance is the Foundation

In a world filled with unrealistic beauty standards and societal expectations, self-acceptance is essential for a healthy sex life. Embracing your body and your unique desires allows you to approach intimacy with confidence and authenticity.

Morse encourages readers to confront insecurities and replace negative self-talk with affirmations. This process involves recognizing that your worth is not tied to your appearance or past experiences. By accepting yourself, you create a solid foundation for deeper connections with others.

Self-acceptance also means being kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned. Intimacy is a learning process, and mistakes or awkward moments are part of the journey.

Examples

• Practicing daily affirmations to build self-confidence.
• Focusing on what your body can do rather than how it looks.
• Celebrating small victories in your journey toward self-acceptance.

8. The Role of Health in Intimacy

Physical and hormonal health play a significant role in your sex life. Factors like diet, exercise, and sleep can impact your energy levels, mood, and overall well-being.

Morse highlights the importance of balancing hormones like testosterone, estrogen, and progesterone. Medications, stress, and lifestyle choices can all affect these levels, so it’s important to stay informed and proactive.

Taking care of your health isn’t just about improving your sex life—it’s about feeling good in your body and mind. When you prioritize your well-being, intimacy becomes a natural extension of your overall vitality.

Examples

• Eating a balanced diet rich in nutrients that support hormonal health.
• Incorporating regular exercise to boost energy and mood.
• Consulting a healthcare provider about any concerns with medications or hormones.

9. The Power of Playfulness

Sex doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Bringing a sense of playfulness and curiosity to your intimate life can make it more enjoyable and less stressful.

Morse encourages readers to approach sex with a spirit of experimentation. Try new positions, explore fantasies, or simply laugh together when things don’t go as planned. Playfulness creates a relaxed atmosphere where both partners feel free to express themselves.

This mindset also helps you stay open to change and growth. As your relationship evolves, so will your sexual preferences and experiences. Embracing this evolution with curiosity and humor can keep your connection strong.

Examples

• Trying a new position or technique just for fun.
• Watching a romantic or erotic movie together to spark ideas.
• Laughing off awkward moments instead of letting them create tension.

Takeaways

1. Practice open communication about your desires, boundaries, and preferences using the "three T’s"—timing, tone, and turf.
2. Explore new techniques, fantasies, or kinks with curiosity and mutual consent to keep your intimate life exciting.
3. Focus on self-acceptance and self-care to build confidence and create a strong foundation for intimacy.