Thanks for the Feedback

Why does criticism from one person motivate you, while from another, it leaves you fuming? Feedback is less about what's said and more about how both parties perceive it.

1. Three types of feedback serve different purposes

Feedback can be classified into three main categories: appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Each serves a unique function. Appreciation motivates and shows gratitude for effort, coaching guides improvements, and evaluation lets you know where you stand and what's expected of you. All three are valuable, but their effectiveness depends on the timing and context in which they’re given.

For example, when you're feeling discouraged after a challenging task, words of appreciation like "Good effort, we need minds like yours" might resonate most. On the other hand, if you're genuinely confused about improving a skill or approach, coaching feedback like "Here's how you can tackle this differently" is far more helpful. Similarly, evaluation feedback like "Compared to others, you're currently performing at this level" is important for benchmarks and setting clearer goals.

Feedback loses its impact if it's mismatched with the situation. Seeking appreciation when coaching is needed or offering generic praise when someone needs structured guidance often leads to frustration or stagnation.

Examples

• A teacher offering constructive tips on a student's essay when they ask how to improve their grade.
• A boss acknowledging hard work with genuine gratitude after a tough project.
• A basketball coach providing an end-of-game breakdown of strengths and weaknesses to jumpstart focused training.

2. Understanding feedback changes our response to it

Feedback is often misunderstood because of shallow interpretation or emotional defensiveness. Rather than dismiss what you hear as "wrong," try to delve deeper into the giver's intentions and the specific message they are trying to communicate.

Generic feedback, such as "You need to be more responsible," is ambiguous and open to interpretation. Instead of shutting down, dig deeper. It might mean you're always late for meetings or you don’t follow through on promises. Asking clarifying questions like "Can you give me examples of when I wasn’t responsible?" allows you to unpack the feedback’s true meaning.

Acknowledging another person’s perspective can reveal blind spots in self-awareness. People often focus on personal intentions ("I didn’t mean it that way") while ignoring the effect of their actions on others. Feedback is a chance to bridge this gap and understand how others see your behavior and its impact.

Examples

• When a coworker calls your efforts haphazard, recognize they may not know the detailed thought process you put in.
• Hearing you're "difficult to read" could point to your reserved attitude that unintentionally signals coldness.
• If someone describes your driving as reckless, their main issue could be a specific habit like texting.

3. Feedback highlights blind spots we can't see ourselves

We all have blind spots, areas where others' observations about us may be more accurate than our self-perception. Often, people won't notice their tone, facial expressions, or how their behavior comes across to others.

For instance, a person who perceives themselves as approachable might not realize their forced, insincere smile is more off-putting than encouraging. Similarly, someone with a naturally aggressive tone may assume they’re communicating assertiveness, while others feel criticized or attacked.

This gap between intention and perception can result in misunderstandings. At times, our blind spots also lead us to excuse behavior ("I was just having a stressful day!"), while others attribute it to ingrained traits. Bridging this gap means facing the discomfort of realizing the image we project doesn't always align with what we intend.

Examples

• Someone thinking their neutral tone sounds caring but learning from feedback that it seems uninterested.
• Workers explaining their demeanor on stress, while peers consistently experience them as rude.
• A manager considering themselves fair yet receiving feedback that their vague instructions frustrate employees.

4. The person giving feedback shapes how it's perceived

Our relationship with the feedback-giver heavily influences how we receive their message. Trust, sincerity, and personal dynamics determine whether we accept, reject, or resist feedback.

For instance, it's hard to take career-related feedback from a colleague who’s rumored to be competing for your job. Conversely, a friend offering advice on the same topic may be dismissed because they "lack professional expertise." Both reactions are flawed; rejecting feedback because of who says it undercuts personal growth.

Close relationships also introduce emotional layers that complicate feedback. When someone close to you critiques an aspect of your personality or decisions, it can feel like a personal attack—even if their intentions are supportive.

Examples

• Suspecting a peer's motives when they highlight errors in your report.
• A partner making a comment you interpret as controlling rather than helpful.
• Ignoring a friend’s valid observation about your habits because of their lack of experience in your field.

5. External dynamics affect feedback between people

Situational dynamics influence feedback between individuals, particularly in varied roles or evolving relationships. Power struggles or rigid roles often generate tension around feedback.

Take, for example, a friend who becomes your manager. Feedback from them can feel awkward as you both adjust to new expectations. Similarly, a parent critiquing an adult child's career choices might spark resistance, influenced by longstanding parent-child roles rather than the content of their feedback.

Viewing broader contexts also helps. If a new manager’s feedback feels overly critical, perhaps they’re under pressure themselves or trying to establish authority. Seeing these influencing factors fosters empathy and makes feedback less emotionally charged.

Examples

• A workplace promotion that complicates feedback exchanges between former peers.
• Parents from strict households inadvertently passing on similar tones in their feedback.
• A child acting out at school possibly modeled by family dynamics at home.

6. Our brain's wiring affects how we respond to criticism

How you process feedback partly comes down to brain chemistry. Some people are genetically wired with higher happiness baselines, making them more resilient to negativity. Others tend to react poorly to critical comments due to higher emotional sensitivity.

Research shows that negative emotions are neurologically more intense than positives. Studies also reveal that some recover faster from harsh feedback, while others remain weighed down by it for much longer. These tendencies stem from how the brain handles emotional regulation.

Understanding this can help us manage feedback responses and practice self-compassion. We may not control our genetic leanings, but we can mitigate emotional distress with mindful approaches.

Examples

• Children whose predefined temperament makes them highly sensitive to criticism.
• Person A maintaining positivity after feedback due to high happiness baselines, while Person B remains consumed with anxious rumination.
• Awareness of biologically stronger reactions to setbacks can soften self-judgment.

7. A growth mindset lets you learn from feedback

People with a growth mindset don't see feedback as threatening. They view setbacks and even failures as opportunities to improve. Shifting away from rigid self-identities, such as "I’m bad at public speaking" or "I’m always organized," opens the door for learning and adaptability.

Fixed mindsets often correlate feedback with identity. For instance, hearing "You struggled during that presentation" can feel like a declaration against your competence. Adopting a growth mindset reframes such moments as chances to ask, "How can I sharpen my presentation techniques next time?"

Studies show that growth-oriented individuals respond to challenges with sustained effort and curiosity, avoiding the paralysis or defensiveness common in fixed mindsets. This resilience leads to continuous improvement.

Examples

• A student seeing poor test results as a reason to improve study methods rather than as proof of their "lack of intelligence."
• An entrepreneur learning from missteps as vital parts of business success stories.
• Adopting an "I'm still learning" mantra over "I’m great or doomed" outlooks.

Takeaways

1. Tailor your feedback requests to match what you're seeking—appreciation for encouragement, coaching for improvement, or evaluation for clarity.
2. Reflect on emotional and relationship dynamics when processing feedback, reducing defensiveness and assumptions about someone's intent.
3. Shift to a growth-oriented mindset that treats feedback as a learning tool rather than a fixed measure of personal worth.