The 11 Laws of Likability

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." — This timeless quote by Oscar Wilde perfectly encapsulates the essence of Michelle Tillis Lederman's The 11 Laws of Likability. How can you cultivate authentic relationships and make meaningful connections?

1. Authenticity is the Foundation of Connection

Authenticity, or remaining true to yourself, is a cornerstone of building strong relationships. People are naturally drawn to those who exhibit sincerity and transparency. If you find yourself feeling awkward in certain situations, it may be because you're not being your authentic self. The ease of being genuine allows you to form connections effortlessly.

When you're being authentic, interactions generally feel natural and fluid. In contrast, forced politeness often comes across as insincere. For instance, you might dislike the person you're interacting with but try to cover it up with a fake smile. The result? You feel drained, and the other person likely senses your discomfort. This makes it harder to find common ground and build trust.

Instead of masking your true feelings, approach people with unbiased eyes. Look for something you genuinely appreciate about them. Whether it's their unique skills, compelling stories, or even a small kindness they’ve shown, finding something positive changes your perspective and fosters an authentic interaction.

Examples

• Spotting a shared passion during a conversation and bonding over it.
• Complimenting someone in a way that reflects your real thoughts, like admiring their determination in achieving a goal.
• Choosing to not attend an event where you feel uncomfortable, so you don't have to compromise your authenticity.

2. Networking is About Relationships, Not Transactions

Many people see networking as a task to check off their to-do list or as a strategic move to advance their goals. However, this mindset often leads to shallow or one-sided relationships. Instead, think of networking as an opportunity to genuinely connect with others without underlying intentions of getting something from them.

When you engage with people, ask meaningful questions to understand their thoughts, hobbies, or values. This transforms an interaction from a transaction to a genuine conversation. By focusing on the person rather than what you might gain, you'll leave a lasting positive impression.

The shift from "winning people over" to building true rapport helps both parties. Without the pressure of needing something from the relationship, you'll find it easier to relax, interact honestly, and create mutual trust over time.

Examples

• Asking thoughtful questions about someone’s background in a networking event, creating genuine conversation.
• Following up with a new acquaintance by asking how they’re doing or mentioning a shared topic of interest.
• Going into a meeting not with an objective to "win" but to learn about others there.

3. Skip Events Where You Can't Be Yourself

Attending events just out of obligation can make your discomfort glaringly obvious. If you’re not engaged or interested, your reluctance will show, even if you try to hide it. Instead, only attend gatherings that you genuinely want to be a part of.

If you can't avoid going, try reframing the event as a chance to discover something or someone interesting. This positive attitude shift can turn an otherwise dreary obligation into a meaningful experience. Bringing a friend to social events is another great way to ease discomfort and remain authentic.

For situations you’re unsure about, ask yourself if the event aligns with your interests or goals. If not, and attendance isn’t mandatory, consider skipping it. This helps preserve your energy for opportunities where you can be your true self.

Examples

• Declining invitations to meetings or parties that don’t interest you.
• Adding excitement to a dull event by bringing a friend to help you network more comfortably.
• Preparing for a likely boring work event by identifying topics or people you’d enjoy engaging with.

4. Engage Through Consistent Communication

True connection lies in how you communicate, not just what you say. Using consistent verbal, vocal, and visual cues is key to forming trust. They should all align to convey the same message, so your words aren't undermined by mismatched tone or body language.

For example, smiling warmly while speaking enthusiastically conveys a positive impression. Conversely, if you say something encouraging with crossed arms or an indifferent tone, others may doubt your sincerity. Maintaining consistent communication ensures you appear honest and trustworthy.

Self-doubt can disrupt these three elements. If you're not confident in your message, it will show. Start by reframing negative thoughts—what you say to yourself affects your tone and body language. Shifting "I’m unsure about this" into "I’m excited to learn something new" boosts your enthusiasm and conveys optimism to others.

Examples

• Smiling and maintaining eye contact while offering genuine compliments.
• Using an upbeat tone when talking about projects you’re excited about.
• Replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations before a challenging conversation.

5. Show Real Curiosity in Conversations

Conversations often stall because people focus more on saying the right thing than simply being curious. Starting with honest questions about someone's life, hobbies, or opinions is a great way to encourage dialogue.

Open-ended questions work best when you're beginning a conversation. Some examples include asking about their favorite activities or how they got interested in a particular subject. Instead of simple yes-or-no answers, you’ll get insights that can steer the discussion forward.

Probing questions keep the conversation engaging. Clarifying, exploring rationales, or asking for elaboration shows the other person that you're genuinely interested in what they're saying and keeps their enthusiasm going.

Examples

• Asking, “What’s your favorite thing about your job?” instead of “Do you like your job?”
• Following up with “Why did that moment stand out for you?” after someone shares a story.
• Saying, “Tell me more about that hobby!” to keep the conversation engaging.

6. Listening is More Than Hearing Words

Effective listening involves more than processing someone's words—it requires actively understanding their perspective. Inward listening, outward listening, and intuitive listening are the three levels needed to make someone feel truly heard.

Inward listening involves reflecting what the speaker says onto your own experiences. This can create quick connections by finding shared viewpoints. Outward listening shifts the focus to the other person’s interests, allowing you to engage with empathy.

Intuitive listening goes a step further by examining tone, body language, and energy. Paying attention to these non-verbal cues deepens the understanding and connection between you and the other person.

Examples

• Responding with shared experiences when someone shares a personal story.
• Asking follow-ups to show interest, like "What excites you about that?"
• Noticing a friend's enthusiasm behind her love for a hobby and encouraging her further.

7. Shared Similarities Build Trust Instantly

People tend to gravitate toward others who are similar to them, whether in interests, upbringing, or shared values. Finding common ground creates an instant sense of comfort and helps build mutual trust.

You can prepare for conversations by recalling all the groups or experiences you’ve shared with others, such as schools, organizations, or hobbies. Mentioning familiar connections can foster a stronger bond quickly.

Whether it’s a shared alma mater or love for a TV show, discovering these similarities makes networking and building friendships natural. People also trust recommendations from people they know, further reinforcing relationships.

Examples

• Mentioning shared friendships during a blind date to make both parties feel at ease.
• Referencing a mutual activity, like a sports league you both played in.
• Utilizing LinkedIn to find common connections with a potential employer.

8. Confidence Enhances Perception

People tend to believe in confident individuals. This isn’t about arrogance but showcasing self-assurance in what you say and do. When you’re confident, your words carry more weight and your interactions feel more compelling.

Building this confidence starts with how you frame challenges. Instead of dwelling on what you lack, focus on what you bring to the table. Conveying this genuine positivity makes you more likable and approachable.

Coupled with consistent messaging, confidence shows reliability and competence, which naturally helps create better connections with others.

Examples

• Framing personal skills as learning opportunities in interviews.
• Enthusiastically guiding conversations, even in unfamiliar social situations.
• Communicating calmly during a heated discussion to establish a sense of composure.

9. Patience is Key in Building Long-Term Connections

Developing meaningful relationships takes time and effort. Quick results are rare when it comes to earning trust or deepening bonds. Patience and persistence keep you focused on nurturing relationships rather than rushing outcomes.

When you maintain a steady, low-pressure connection with others, you'll naturally encourage reciprocation. Small gestures, such as genuine check-ins or thoughtful follow-ups weeks after a meeting, show you genuinely value the relationship.

By letting relationships grow organically without expectation, you lay the groundwork for deeper and more lasting connections.

Examples

• Sending a thoughtful message to someone weeks after meeting them at an event.
• Regularly commenting positively on a colleague’s work without ulterior motives.
• Offering help to a friend without expecting anything in return.

Takeaways

1. Take time to reflect on your body language and voice during conversations to ensure your tone, words, and gestures align.
2. Practice crafting open-ended questions before your next networking event to engage genuinely with others.
3. Identify one event or meeting that you feel obligated to attend and either skip it or reframe why you want to go, ensuring your presence feels authentic.