Introduction
Belle Boggs' "The Art of Waiting" is a profound and insightful exploration of the complex world of parenthood, fertility, and the deeply ingrained societal expectations surrounding having children. This book offers a fresh perspective on what it means to have children in today's world, delving into the lesser-known stories of those who struggle with infertility and the various methods they employ to become parents.
Boggs takes readers on a journey through the contradictory narratives surrounding birth and pregnancy, the scientific debates about the evolutionary drive behind childbearing, and the emotional toll of infertility. She also examines the challenges of adoption and the lengths to which humans will go to have offspring, including modern medical interventions like in vitro fertilization (IVF).
The Contradictory Narratives of Birth and Pregnancy
From an early age, most of us are taught to value reproduction and child-rearing. The idea that children are the center of all life is deeply embedded in our cultures, religions, and art. This belief is so ingrained that many young students see themselves as future parents without question.
However, we're also taught about contraception and the importance of protection against sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted births. This creates a contradiction between the promotion of fertility and the emphasis on contraception. Despite this contradiction, humanity has managed to reduce births with great success. Compared to other members of the animal kingdom, humans have relatively few children, with a worldwide average of just 2.5 kids per woman.
Boggs highlights how these numbers vary between developed and developing countries, but not in any extraordinary way. In developing nations, women have around four to six children on average, about half of whom die before sexual maturity. This information provides a broader context for understanding the global trends in fertility and childbearing.
The Scientific Debate on the Evolutionary Drive for Childbearing
The desire to have children is deeply rooted in many cultures, but there's considerable scientific debate about whether this longing is socially conditioned or biologically driven. Boggs explores the different cultural terms used to describe this desire, such as the English term "broody" or the American phrase "biological clock is ticking."
The author delves into the historical scientific debate surrounding the existence of a "childbearing instinct." She discusses the conflicting views of early evolutionary psychologist Edward Westermarck and sexologist Havelock Ellis. While Westermarck initially argued for the existence of such an instinct, Ellis countered that it was simply the sex drive and that having two reproductive drivers would be redundant in evolutionary terms.
Boggs also presents more recent research, such as the study on "baby fever" led by Finnish sociologist Anna Rotkirch. This study found that the desire for children was experienced by various people, regardless of their initial plans for parenthood. The findings suggest a possible deeper, biological imperative underlying the human desire for children, even in a low-fertility country like Finland that emphasizes individualism and education.
The Emotional Pain of Infertility
One of the most poignant aspects of Boggs' book is her exploration of the emotional pain caused by infertility. She highlights how this issue is often misunderstood and dismissed as a problem primarily affecting white, upper-middle-class individuals. In reality, infertility disproportionately affects minorities, the poor, and those with less educational background. It also affects both sexes equally, contrary to the common misconception that it's primarily a woman's problem.
Boggs reveals that infertility is more common than many people realize, affecting one out of every eight couples. Despite its prevalence, infertility often causes deep shame for those affected by it. The author introduces the concept of "disenfranchised grief," as described by therapist Marni Rosner, who specializes in reproductive trauma. This type of grief, which can't be openly expressed or supported by friends and family, perfectly encapsulates the experience of those struggling with infertility.
The book also touches on the dark history of forced sterilization in the United States, where 33 states actively attempted to sterilize their poorest and most vulnerable citizens starting in the 1920s. Boggs shares the heartbreaking story of Willis Lynch, a survivor of North Carolina's sterilization program, who was robbed of the opportunity to have his own family at the young age of 14.
The Challenges of Adoption
Many people view adoption as a simple solution for those struggling with infertility, but Boggs reveals that the reality is far more complex. The adoption process is often expensive, time-consuming, and fraught with uncertainty. Costs can run into tens of thousands of dollars, and prospective parents often wait years for their applications to be approved.
The author points out that most people prefer to adopt newborns rather than older children, who may pose more emotional challenges. However, there are far fewer newborns available for adoption than there are adoptive parents. Even when parents are matched with an unborn child, there's always the risk that the birth mother may change her mind after delivery.
Boggs shares some of the nightmare scenarios that can occur in adoption, such as the case of a couple who adopted a child without knowing that the biological father was in prison and would later claim custody rights. These stories illustrate the emotional rollercoaster that many adoptive parents experience.
Despite these challenges, adoption remains a viable option for many. In the United States alone, around 120,000 adoptions take place every year, with about three-quarters of adoptive parents being infertile couples. The book also discusses the additional hurdles faced by LGBT couples in the adoption process, highlighting how adoption rights are deeply intertwined with marriage rights.
The Lengths Humans Go to Have Offspring
Drawing parallels between humans and animals, Boggs illustrates how both will go to extreme lengths to ensure they reproduce. She provides examples from the animal kingdom, such as the male blue-backed manakin bird's years-long preparation for its mating dance and the Pacific salmon's grueling journey upstream to spawn.
For humans, while the methods may be different, the commitment is no less intense. Boggs explores modern scientific developments like in vitro fertilization (IVF), which has resulted in the birth of over 5 million babies worldwide. She describes IVF as a multibillion-dollar industry, with 60,000 babies born using this method in the United States alone each year.
The author doesn't shy away from discussing the grueling nature of IVF treatments. Prospective mothers must spend months researching, making financial preparations, and taking various medications. Even with all this effort, success is not guaranteed. The process is also incredibly expensive, with costs potentially reaching $100,000, depending on insurance coverage and the chosen treatment plan.
By highlighting these extreme measures, Boggs demonstrates the lengths to which people are willing to go to have children, underscoring the deep-seated desire for parenthood that exists in many individuals.
The Societal Emphasis on Traditional Birth Narratives
Throughout the book, Boggs emphasizes how societies tend to prioritize traditional birth narratives over other paths to parenthood. This emphasis can often lead to the marginalization of those who struggle with infertility or choose alternative methods of becoming parents.
The author argues for a more inclusive understanding of parenthood, one that recognizes and values the diverse ways in which people become parents. Whether through natural conception, adoption, surrogacy, or assisted reproductive technologies like IVF, all paths to parenthood are equally valid and important.
Final Thoughts
"The Art of Waiting" offers a comprehensive and compassionate exploration of the complex world of fertility, parenthood, and the societal expectations surrounding having children. Belle Boggs challenges readers to reconsider their assumptions about what it means to be a parent and to empathize with those who struggle with infertility.
The book serves as a reminder that the desire for children, while deeply ingrained in many cultures, is a complex and multifaceted issue. It highlights the need for greater understanding and support for those facing fertility challenges, as well as a more inclusive view of what constitutes a family.
Boggs' work encourages readers to question the narratives they've been taught about parenthood and to recognize the diversity of experiences that exist. Whether someone chooses to have children through natural means, adoption, or assisted reproductive technologies – or chooses not to have children at all – their experiences and choices are valid and worthy of respect.
In conclusion, "The Art of Waiting" is a thought-provoking and enlightening read that offers valuable insights into the human experience of parenthood and the various paths people take to achieve it. It serves as a powerful reminder of the complexity of human reproduction and the deep emotional significance it holds for many individuals. By broadening our understanding of these issues, we can foster a more compassionate and inclusive society that supports all forms of family-building.