The Art of Waiting

Why do we long for children, and what drives some to extreme measures to fulfill that dream?

The Dual Narrative of Reproduction and Contraception

From an early age, society ingrains the value of having children. Religions and cultural art often glorify fertility, while educational systems subtly frame parenthood as a future inevitability for most individuals. These cultural messages position children as central to life and legacy.

Paradoxically, society also emphasizes the importance of contraception and preventing unwanted pregnancies. This dual narrative creates conflicting expectations: on the one hand, we celebrate fertility, and on the other, we promote curbing it through birth control or abortion. This tension reflects in statistics: 62% of American women use birth control, and nearly one-third have had an abortion by age 45.

Humanity’s success in reducing births, especially in developed nations, speaks to this dual emphasis. Women in richer countries average fewer children than those in poorer societies, where fertility remains higher but child mortality often tempers overall population growth.

Examples

• Ancient fertility-focused figurative art like Venus figurines illustrates humanity’s long-standing valorization of procreation.
• Hebrew and Hindu religious beliefs promote reproduction as divine or karmic duties.
• Modern sex education and global family planning initiatives reflect the emphasis on controlled, responsible reproduction.

The Debate Over an Innate Childbearing Desire

The longing for children varies across individuals and cultures, but its origins remain debated. Is it biologically driven or socially constructed? Terms like "broody" and "biological clock" capture this yearning, but its universality suggests deeper roots.

Evolutionary scientists remain divided on the matter. Pioneers like Edward Westermarck initially proposed a childbearing instinct but later retracted the idea under philosophical and scientific scrutiny. Instead, some experts argued that procreation stems from the sex drive alone. Meanwhile, studies, such as those led by Finnish researcher Anna Rotkirch, reveal that even individuals disinterested in parenthood may experience an emotional pull toward children.

Rotkirch’s examination of “baby fever” highlights the involuntary, emotional nature of this phenomenon. These findings bridge cultural expectations with potential biological foundations, suggesting the longing for children might transcend upbringing or personal plans.

Examples

• Edward Westermarck’s early theories framed childbearing as an instinct before evidence challenged this.
• Anna Rotkirch’s study found that women, regardless of plans or past parental intentions, could experience sudden, overwhelming baby fever.
• “Broody” in England and biological-clock-focused language in the U.S. reflect cultures explaining this phenomenon in distinct ways.

The Emotional Turmoil of Infertility

Infertility triggers profound sadness and often goes unacknowledged in public discussion. This void stems from stereotypes—infertility is wrongly perceived as a problem for wealthy, educated women, while it actually affects people of all socioeconomic levels and genders equally.

Shame and silence drastically amplify the grief of infertility. Therapist Marni Rosner describes this as “disenfranchised grief,” where individuals suffer quietly, unsupported by societal norms. Historically, this pain is compounded by forced sterilization programs, such as those in the U.S. targeting marginalized groups. Victims like Willis Lynch, sterilized under North Carolina’s eugenics program, continue to share the emotional scars of such practices.

Infertility is far more common than people think, with one in eight couples struggling to conceive. Yet, societal taboos prevent open conversations, leading to feelings of isolation for many.

Examples

• Marni Rosner’s term “disenfranchised grief” captures the silent suffering of those longing for children.
• U.S. eugenics programs included coerced sterilizations targeting low-income communities.
• Infertility affects one in eight couples but remains an under-discussed issue.

Adoption: An Incomplete Solution

Adoption offers hope for some but is fraught with challenges. For many infertile individuals or couples, it is seen as an alternative to having biological children. However, adoption often involves high costs, extended wait times, and emotional uncertainty.

Cost is one significant obstacle, with many adoptions stretching into tens of thousands of dollars. Besides financial constraints, the demand for newborns vastly outstrips supply. Most prospective parents avoid older children despite incentives or programs encouraging these adoptions. The emotional hurdles of adoption further complicate matters, as biological parents may change their minds or legal entanglements arise.

These challenges are even greater for LGBT couples. Historically sidelined in adoption processes, same-sex couples gained rights through Supreme Court rulings, but stigmas and systemic biases persist.

Examples

• U.S. adoptive parents spend thousands and often wait years to complete the process.
• Cases involve unforeseeable complications, like biological fathers reclaiming custody after incarceration.
• Only seven U.S. states actively protect LGBT adoption rights.

Extraordinary Commitments for Parenthood

Humans often go to incredible lengths for children. While animals contend with physical risks like predators or migration, humans increasingly rely on science and technology, mostly IVF, to overcome barriers.

In vitro fertilization, or IVF, involves fertilizing an embryo outside the body to aid people who struggle with conception. Although IVF brings joy to many, the process is emotionally, physically, and financially draining. Parents invest not just hope but significant funds—one cycle costs $10,000 on average, and multiple cycles are often required.

Despite these hardships, IVF has become more commonplace, with over 5 million children born through this method since its creation. Its popularity demonstrates the lengths to which humans push technology and resources to fulfill the desire for biological offspring.

Examples

• The Pacific salmon swims upstream to reproduce, akin to human determination for IVF.
• Male blue-backed manakin birds rehearse mating dances for years to attract partners.
• IVF treatment has led to birth for around 60,000 U.S. families each year despite steep barriers.

Takeaways

1. De-stigmatize discussions around infertility and adoption by creating forums, support groups, or open dialogues that encourage shared experiences and empathy.
2. Consider alternative definitions of family and parenting: blending biological, adopted, or community-driven connections beyond traditional methods.
3. Advocate for better insurance policies and accessible funding for fertility treatments like IVF and adoption to reduce financial burdens for hopeful families.