The Asshole Survival Guide

“Assholes are like a bad smell – at first, you notice it sharply, but over time, you might stop realizing it’s still there.” How can you protect yourself from their toxicity before it’s too late?

1. Recognizing an Asshole: The Feelings Test

An asshole is defined by their ability to make others feel bad. These individuals may demean, oppress, or unsettle those around them. Whether it’s a boss who excludes certain employees from celebrations or coworkers with threatening behavior, asshole tactics leave emotional scars.

The key question to identify an asshole is: How do they make you feel? Maya Angelou noted that people may forget actions or words, but they remember feelings. If someone frequently leaves you feeling demoralized or anxious, they might fall into this category.

Assholes vary in severity. A temporary asshole could be someone who behaves poorly during moments of stress or in pursuit of a goal, like a coach giving an aggressive pep talk to change a team’s performance. On the other hand, a continual asshole exhibits a consistent pattern of harmful behavior.

Examples

• A manager who smiles but privately promises to sabotage you.
• A leader adopting a harsh tone for short-term motivation but generally kind otherwise.
• A coworker interrupting and exposing others’ weaknesses to feel superior.

2. Avoid Normalizing Toxicity

Over time, exposure to constant negativity can numb your awareness of it. You might stop recognizing inappropriate behavior, a condition the author labels “asshole blindness.” The longer someone endures mistreatment, the more they come to accept it as standard.

One explanation for staying in toxic environments is the sunk cost fallacy. This psychological trap convinces people they’ve invested too much into a situation to abandon it, even if leaving would clearly be better. Habituation also plays its part – just as bad odors fade from awareness over time, so too does mistreatment.

The author advises changing your environment if necessary. Not everyone needs to quit a toxic workplace, but looking for alternatives, like transferring to a healthier team, can be life-changing.

Examples

• An IT worker tolerating eight years of abuse from a boss who refused accountability.
• Companies like salesforce.com making department transfers easy to help employees escape toxic dynamics.
• Google’s studies showing good and bad bosses coexist, highlighting the value of switching supervisors.

3. Asshole Behavior is Contagious

Being around an asshole daily can “infect” you with their attitude. Just as bad moods are contagious, negativity can spread quickly, shaping your behavior in harmful ways. Research likens this effect to catching a cold—it’s alarmingly easy to pass on.

Science shows people mirror the emotions and attitudes of those they interact with. A stressed or emotionally drained teacher, for example, can raise stress hormone levels in their students. Similarly, a single rude interaction, such as receiving an angry email, can make someone more likely to act rudely toward others.

The solution is simple but effective: create space between yourself and toxic personalities. Physical distance limits exposure, reducing the risk of adopting their destructive habits.

Examples

• A University of British Columbia study showing students absorb their teachers’ stress.
• A University of Florida experiment where rudeness spread like a chain reaction after just one insult.
• A former Apple employee surviving Steve Jobs’ temper by physically avoiding him, even dodging elevators.

4. Reframing Helps You Regain Control

Reframing—seeing a situation from a more positive perspective—can ease the stress of dealing with assholes. It helps you understand that their behavior isn’t your fault and encourages you to see challenges instead of threats.

This shift in perspective has real benefits. Former military cadet Becky Margiotta experienced intense hazing but coped by reframing the abuse as imaginative, even humorous. Similarly, studies show African-American students performed better on tests when the exams were framed as fun challenges rather than intelligence measures.

By attributing asshole behavior to external factors—like a rough day or personal issues—you can reduce its hold over your emotions. Reappraisal techniques, supported by research, can make upsetting interactions seem less significant.

Examples

• A cadet enduring hazing by imagining it as a creative game.
• A Stanford University study finding less emotional distress when viewers reinterpreted upsetting images.
• Students improving scores by seeing exams as opportunities rather than threats.

5. Confrontation: Quiet or Aggressive?

If distancing isn’t an option, confronting an asshole may be necessary. Careful preparation and strategy are critical to ensure success. Documentation of their behavior can be powerful evidence, especially in serious situations.

When addressing the individual, there are generally two approaches. A calm confrontation works well with temporary or oblivious assholes, highlighting their behavior without escalating tensions. Conversely, dealing with manipulative or selfish types may require an aggressive approach. Acting like an asshole in return can sometimes make these personalities back off.

Your choice depends on the type of person you’re dealing with. Aim for the method most likely to achieve your desired outcome with the least amount of conflict.

Examples

• Gretchen Carlson confronting Fox News’ Roger Ailes with documented proof of misconduct.
• Temporary assholes responding positively to calm private conversations.
• A 2015 study revealing Machiavellian personalities retreat when met with equal selfishness.

6. The Importance of Self-Awareness

Being an asshole yourself is a trap many fall into without realizing it. People rarely see their own problematic tendencies, but acknowledging these behaviors can improve relationships and personal happiness.

Wealth can be an especially strong trigger for asshole behavior. Research shows more affluent people are less considerate, whether it’s cutting off drivers or ignoring pedestrians. This “wealth-power disconnect” can make it easy to forget the humanity of those around you.

To avoid becoming what you despise, continuously assess how others experience your words and actions. Building self-awareness keeps you grounded and considerate, even in positions of power.

Examples

• Only 1% of survey respondents identified as assholes, despite widespread bullying reports.
• A Berkeley study where wealthy drivers were less likely to yield to pedestrians.
• Psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson promoting self-acceptance as a tool for better relationships.

7. Assholes Thrive on Their Behavior Being Unchallenged

Assholes continue to act in toxic ways when their harmful actions go unchecked. Silence or tolerance sends them a signal that their behavior is acceptable. To stop the cycle, someone needs to stand up or call them out.

Challenging asshole behavior doesn’t always require open confrontation. Sometimes, small acts like saying “no” to minor demands or setting stricter boundaries can effectively cut off their power. Making it clear that their tactics don’t work on you can have long-lasting effects.

Remember: the cost of doing nothing often outweighs the risks of taking action, especially in cases involving long-term patterns.

Examples

• Employees silently tolerating abuse, only for the behavior to escalate.
• A colleague refusing to engage with a manipulative coworker, resulting in the other person backing down.
• Organizations establishing anti-harassment policies to discourage toxic leadership styles.

8. Temporary Assholes May Be Acting Out of Strategy

Not all asshole-like behavior is malicious. Sometimes, people adopt aggressive tactics temporarily to achieve specific goals. This type of behavior, while unpleasant, often has a logical motive behind it.

For instance, college basketball coaches who periodically yell at their teams can motivate players. However, coaches who are consistently unpleasant fail to achieve the same results. Recognizing when someone is being strategically aggressive versus chronically toxic helps you decide how to react.

Understanding motives can make it easier to forgive or approach temporary assholes without assuming malice.

Examples

• A normally kind boss who lashes out during high-pressure times but later apologizes.
• Research showing occasional aggressive leadership inspires short-term performance boosts.
• Classifying temporary versus habitual toxicity to individualize your responses.

9. Leaving Toxicity Isn’t Weakness—it’s Self-Respect

People often hesitate to leave toxic environments, fearing stigmas or judgment. But protecting your mental health and well-being is a wise choice, not a failing. Moving jobs, changing social circles, or avoiding certain spaces can help you rebuild positivity.

Many successful organizations encourage internal mobility to retain staff while avoiding toxicity. Employees are given options to switch teams or roles if dynamics become unbearable. These proactive strategies emphasize that leaving isn’t about failure but self-respect.

No one deserves to feel trapped. Always prioritize environments where you feel valued and respected.

Examples

• Salesforce’s transfer-friendly policies encouraging employees to find better fits.
• Employees leaving toxic teams to achieve better work-life balance and mental health.
• Studies showing happier employees in cultures with clear pathways to remove themselves from toxicity.

Takeaways

1. Be aware of your environment and refuse to normalize any toxic behavior you face—it’s better to act early than adapt.
2. Practice reframing challenging situations and consider alternative perspectives to reduce personal distress and powerlessness.
3. Regularly reflect on your own actions to ensure you aren’t unintentionally causing harm or perpetuating negative dynamics.