In today's fast-paced, technology-driven world, it's easy to feel disconnected from others despite being more "connected" than ever through social media and digital platforms. Susan McPherson's book "The Lost Art of Connecting" offers a refreshing approach to networking and building genuine relationships in both personal and professional spheres. Through her Gather, Ask, Do method, McPherson provides practical strategies for creating meaningful connections that go beyond superficial interactions.
Introduction: Rediscovering the Art of Human Connection
In an era where likes, shares, and follows have become the currency of social interaction, many people find themselves yearning for deeper, more authentic relationships. McPherson argues that true connection is not about accumulating the most contacts or followers, but about fostering genuine relationships built on trust, mutual understanding, and a willingness to help others.
The book begins by acknowledging the challenges of networking in the modern world. Many people find traditional networking events intimidating or uncomfortable, often feeling like they're engaged in a transactional exchange rather than building real connections. McPherson aims to change this paradigm by introducing a more human-centered approach to networking.
The Gather, Ask, Do Method: A Framework for Meaningful Connections
At the heart of McPherson's philosophy is the Gather, Ask, Do method, a three-step framework designed to help readers expand and deepen their professional networks. This approach emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, genuine curiosity about others, and taking action to nurture relationships over time.
Step 1: Gather
The first step in McPherson's method is to "Gather," which involves looking inward and clarifying your goals before reaching out to others. This self-reflection is crucial for understanding what you hope to achieve through your networking efforts and identifying the types of connections that will be most valuable to you.
Blurring the Lines Between Personal and Professional
One key insight McPherson offers is the importance of recognizing that our personal and professional selves are not as separate as we might think. The interpersonal skills we develop in our personal lives inevitably carry over into our professional interactions. By examining how we operate in personal relationships – how we handle conflict, build trust, and communicate – we can gain valuable insights into our professional relationship-building style.
Setting Clear Goals
To make the most of your networking efforts, it's essential to be clear about your professional goals. Are you looking for a new job? Seeking a business partner? Or perhaps you need expert advice on a project? McPherson encourages readers to write down their goals and keep them handy. This clarity of purpose allows you to be more intentional about which professional relationships to pursue and how to approach them.
Leveraging Your Existing Network
While building new connections is important, McPherson reminds readers not to underestimate the power of their existing network. She points out that each person in your network has their own constellation of relationships, which can lead to unexpected opportunities. By reconnecting with people you already know, you may discover valuable connections you didn't realize you had access to.
Step 2: Ask
The second step in McPherson's method is to "Ask," which focuses on how to approach and engage with others in a meaningful way. This step is all about cultivating curiosity, asking thoughtful questions, and genuinely listening to others.
Shifting from "What's in it for me?" to "How can I help?"
One of the most powerful shifts McPherson advocates for is moving away from a self-centered approach to networking. Instead of focusing on what you can get out of an interaction, she encourages readers to consider how they can help others. This mindset change not only makes networking feel less transactional but also helps build stronger, more authentic relationships.
Taking Conversations Offline
While digital platforms can be useful for initial connections, McPherson emphasizes the importance of taking relationships offline whenever possible. Face-to-face interactions, whether in person or via video call, allow for deeper, more nuanced communication and help build stronger bonds.
Asking the Right Questions
To foster deeper connections, McPherson suggests moving beyond small talk and asking more meaningful questions. Instead of discussing the weather or weekend plans, try asking about a person's challenges, dreams, or most significant life experiences. These types of questions can lead to more engaging conversations and help you understand the other person on a deeper level.
The Art of Listening
Asking good questions is only half the equation; being a good listener is equally important. McPherson introduces the RASA method (Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, Ask) as a framework for active listening:
- Receive: Give your full attention to the speaker, maintaining open body language.
- Appreciate: Show that you're engaged through nodding, verbal affirmations, and other non-verbal cues.
- Summarize: Paraphrase what you've heard to ensure you've understood correctly.
- Ask: Follow up with relevant questions to deepen the conversation.
By practicing active listening, you not only show respect for the other person but also gain valuable insights that can help you build a stronger connection.
Step 3: Do
The final step in McPherson's method is to "Do," which involves taking action to nurture and maintain relationships over time. This step is crucial for transforming initial connections into lasting, meaningful relationships.
Following Up
One of the most important aspects of the "Do" phase is following up after initial meetings or conversations. McPherson stresses the importance of timely follow-ups, suggesting that you reach out soon after your initial interaction while the connection is still fresh. This can be as simple as sending a brief message expressing appreciation for the conversation and reiterating any commitments or next steps discussed.
Offering Help Without Expectation
Consistent with the "How can I help?" mindset, McPherson encourages readers to look for opportunities to offer assistance or support to their contacts without expecting anything in return. This could involve sharing relevant resources, making introductions, or offering your expertise on a particular topic.
Nurturing Relationships Over Time
Building meaningful connections is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. McPherson advises readers to make small, consistent gestures to maintain and deepen relationships over time. This might include periodic check-ins, sharing articles or information of interest, or arranging occasional meetings to catch up.
Overcoming Networking Challenges
Throughout the book, McPherson addresses common challenges and anxieties associated with networking, offering practical advice for overcoming these obstacles.
Dealing with Social Anxiety
For those who find networking events or social situations anxiety-inducing, McPherson offers several strategies:
- Start small: Begin with one-on-one meetings or small gatherings rather than large events.
- Create your own networking opportunities: Organize small get-togethers or volunteer for causes you care about to meet like-minded individuals in a more comfortable setting.
- Focus on others: By shifting your attention to how you can help or learn from others, you can reduce self-consciousness and anxiety.
Making Effective Asks
Asking for help or favors can be intimidating, but McPherson provides guidance on how to make effective asks:
- Be specific: Clearly articulate what you're asking for and why.
- Make it measurable: Provide concrete details about what success looks like.
- Set a timeframe: Give a clear deadline or timeline for the request.
- Keep it brief: Aim for "five-minute favors" that are easy for others to fulfill.
Leveraging Technology Wisely
While the book emphasizes the importance of human connection, McPherson acknowledges the role of technology in modern networking. She offers advice on how to use digital platforms effectively:
- Use social media to maintain connections between in-person meetings.
- Share content that adds value to your network.
- Use technology to research and prepare for in-person interactions.
- Don't rely solely on digital communication – strive to take relationships offline when possible.
The Power of Authentic Connections
Throughout the book, McPherson emphasizes the profound impact that authentic, meaningful connections can have on both personal and professional life.
Career Benefits
Strong professional relationships can lead to numerous career benefits, including:
- Access to new opportunities and job prospects
- Valuable mentorship and guidance
- Increased creativity and innovation through diverse perspectives
- Enhanced job performance through collaboration and knowledge sharing
Personal Well-being
Beyond career advantages, meaningful connections contribute to overall well-being:
- Reduced feelings of isolation and loneliness
- Increased sense of belonging and community
- Improved mental and physical health
- Greater resilience in facing life's challenges
Creating Positive Change
McPherson also highlights how strong networks can be leveraged to create positive change in the world. By connecting people with shared values and complementary skills, networks can become powerful forces for social good.
Case Studies and Real-World Examples
Throughout the book, McPherson includes numerous case studies and real-world examples to illustrate her principles in action. These stories serve to inspire readers and provide concrete examples of how the Gather, Ask, Do method can be applied in various contexts.
Rhonesha Byng: The Power of a Clear Ask
One particularly inspiring example is that of Rhonesha Byng, founder of the digital media platform Her Agenda. At just 15 years old, Byng recognized the lack of female representation among Fortune 500 CEOs and decided to take action. Instead of letting her age hold her back, she confidently approached successful women with a clear, specific ask: "I want to broadcast your story, can I have 15 minutes of your time?"
This bold approach, combined with Byng's clear mission and focused ask, led to the successful launch of her platform. Within a few years, Byng herself was recognized on Fortune's 30 Under 30 list. This example demonstrates the power of being specific, confident, and mission-driven when making asks in your network.
Lois Weisberg: The Super Connector
Another inspiring figure mentioned in the book is Lois Weisberg, the former cultural commissioner of Chicago. Weisberg was known as a "super connector," with deep connections across 15 to 20 different powerful communities, including doctors, lawyers, bankers, artists, and politicians.
What made Weisberg exceptional was her ability to see unique qualities in others and make them feel valued. She used her vast network to facilitate economic and social projects that transformed Chicago, demonstrating how powerful connections can be when used for the greater good.
Weisberg's approach exemplifies the core principles of the Gather, Ask, Do method, particularly the importance of following up and nurturing relationships over time. Her legacy serves as an inspiration for how one person's network can have a profound impact on an entire community.
Practical Tips and Exercises
To help readers implement the Gather, Ask, Do method, McPherson provides numerous practical tips and exercises throughout the book. Some of these include:
- Goal-setting worksheets to clarify networking objectives
- Lists of thought-provoking questions to ask in conversations
- Templates for follow-up messages and thank-you notes
- Strategies for organizing and maintaining contact information
- Ideas for creating your own networking events or gatherings
These practical tools make it easier for readers to put the book's principles into action and start building more meaningful connections right away.
The Role of Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
A recurring theme throughout the book is the importance of empathy and emotional intelligence in building strong relationships. McPherson emphasizes that truly connecting with others requires more than just exchanging information or favors – it involves understanding and relating to others on an emotional level.
She encourages readers to:
- Practice active empathy by trying to see situations from others' perspectives
- Pay attention to non-verbal cues and emotional subtext in conversations
- Be vulnerable and authentic in their own communications
- Respond with compassion and understanding to others' challenges and struggles
By developing these emotional intelligence skills, readers can create deeper, more meaningful connections that go beyond surface-level networking.
Adapting to a Changing World
While much of the book focuses on timeless principles of human connection, McPherson also addresses the need to adapt networking strategies to a changing world. This includes:
- Navigating the challenges and opportunities of remote work and virtual networking
- Balancing online and offline interactions in a digital age
- Addressing issues of diversity, equity, and inclusion in networking practices
- Considering the impact of global events (such as the COVID-19 pandemic) on how we connect and communicate
By acknowledging these evolving factors, McPherson ensures that her advice remains relevant and applicable in a rapidly changing professional landscape.
Conclusion: Cultivating a Constellation of Meaningful Relationships
In the final chapters of the book, McPherson returns to the metaphor of constellations, encouraging readers to view their network not as a list of contacts, but as a vibrant, interconnected system of relationships. She emphasizes that building this "constellation" is an ongoing process that requires consistent effort, genuine care, and a willingness to both give and receive support.
The author reiterates that the true value of networking lies not in the quantity of connections, but in the quality and depth of relationships formed. By applying the Gather, Ask, Do method and focusing on authentic, human-centered interactions, readers can create a network that not only advances their career but also enriches their life and the lives of those around them.
McPherson concludes with a call to action, urging readers to take the first steps in rediscovering the lost art of connecting. Whether it's reaching out to an old contact, asking a thoughtful question in a meeting, or following up on a recent interaction, she encourages readers to start small and build momentum in their relationship-building efforts.
Ultimately, "The Lost Art of Connecting" offers a refreshing and much-needed perspective on networking in the modern age. By emphasizing genuine human connection, mutual support, and long-term relationship building, McPherson provides a roadmap for creating a more fulfilling and successful professional life – one meaningful connection at a time.