Wanting

Why do we want what we want? It’s often not because we independently choose our desires, but because we are imitating others.

1. Desire is Imitation in Disguise

Our desires are not as personal or unique as we believe. According to René Girard’s theory of mimetic desire, we learn what to want by copying others. From relationships to careers, imitation plays a hidden but powerful role.

Most people think their desires are authentic, but mimesis reveals how "models"—the people we admire or compete with—influence almost every decision. Models subtly or overtly show us what is worth pursuing. This process is evident in both small and life-altering choices, from deciding what to order at dinner to picking a career path.

This imitation isn’t harmless. Mimetic desire often creates conflict. When multiple people desire the same thing—like attention, status, or success—it fosters competition and rivalry. Cain and Abel from the Bible illustrate this: their wish for God’s approval turned deadly. The author’s own experience with Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh shows how desire tied to a model can derail original goals.

Examples

• College students shifting toward popular majors because they see others doing it.
• Everyone suddenly wanting the "it" bag in fashion because a celebrity displayed it.
• Burgis himself mimicking Tony Hsieh's style to win approval while losing sight of building his company.

2. Identifying Models Weakens Their Grip

We are influenced by countless “models,” but naming these models is the first step toward reducing their power over us.

Social media amplifies mimesis by constantly exposing us to other people’s lives and desires. Often, without realizing it, we start modeling our career, lifestyle, or purchases after influencers or friends. Naming the people or forces influencing us makes it easier to step back and reclaim control.

Psychologist Edward Bernays leveraged models to sell products, famously getting doctors to promote bacon as a healthy breakfast. He knew consumers trust authority figures, a strategy still mirrored in today’s advertising. Similarly, we’re often subconsciously influenced by rivals—those we envy or want to outperform.

Examples

• Recognizing a friend whose promotion we envy as a hidden influence on our career dissatisfaction.
• Acknowledging social media influencers as models dictating our buying choices.
• Bernays using doctors as models to sell an illusion of authority and health.

3. Close Proximity Creates Rivalries

Whether it’s co-workers or classmates, competition feels strongest with those closest to us socially or professionally, not distant figures like Jeff Bezos.

People in your social or professional circle, who share similar opportunities, consistently evoke stronger feelings of jealousy or rivalry. This is because their success feels attainable yet painfully out of reach. By contrast, figures in "Celebristan," like major celebrities or moguls, inspire admiration more than competition.

Internal rivalries can spiral dangerously as tension breeds conflict. Girard highlights tragic examples of escalating rivalries, like the Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls feud, which led to devastating outcomes. However, external models—like renowned chefs or athletes—typically serve as constructive guides for growth.

Examples

• A colleague scoring a promotion triggers insecurity while Bill Gates' achievements feel distant.
• Hip-hop rivalries escalating into violence demonstrates the toll of mimetic rivalries.
• Aspiring bakers modeling their skills after Julia Child in a safe, non-competitive framework.

4. Positive Mimetic Cycles Are Possible

When controlled, mimetic desire can inspire innovation and perseverance. The key is breaking cycles of rivalry before they spiral.

Ferruccio Lamborghini, for example, turned disrespect from Enzo Ferrari into the motivation to create some of the world’s most coveted supercars. By refusing to fuel competitive racing wars, Lamborghini shifted from rivalry to self-determined success.

Breaking mimetic rivalry often requires someone to consciously stop competing. When we focus on personal fulfillment instead of beating others, we can redirect imitation into creativity and growth.

Examples

• Lamborghini innovating luxury cars without engaging in destructive racing rivalries.
• Artists using admiration for others to fuel their unique styles instead of copying.
• Leaving toxic work rivalries to pursue more meaningful personal goals unencumbered by competition.

5. Scapegoats Resolve Unrest—But at a Cost

Mimetic rivalries often escalate into societal crises, resolved only when a scapegoat is identified and punished. However, this process is unjust and unsustainable.

Throughout history, societies have relied on scapegoats to release growing collective tension. For example, Nazi Germany used Jews as scapegoats to unify the nation amidst economic turmoil. Even today, sports teams fire managers or players to "solve" a losing streak.

The death of Jesus Christ reveals the fault in scapegoating. His execution highlighted its immorality while promoting empathy for victims. As a result, scapegoating has become ethically problematic in modern societies but often persists in subtler forms.

Examples

• Ancient Greece targeting "undesirables" during plagues.
• Modern sports teams blaming and expelling reputational scapegoats after poor seasons.
• Nazi Germany’s catastrophic scapegoating policy driving real-world horror.

6. Mimetic Systems Offer Hollow Rewards

Structured systems of desire, like Michelin stars or societal rankings, often demand years of conformity but provide little emotional or creative fulfillment.

Chef Sébastien Bras exited the Michelin star system despite his restaurant's three-star acclaim. The pressure to conform to external expectations stripped him of joy and creativity. Mimetic systems like academic testing and corporate hierarchies create roadmaps for success but neglect individuality or purpose.

Exiting or reconfiguring your relationship with rigid systems ensures you chase goals aligned with your own core values. Reflecting deeply on what you want, separate from societal indicators, helps you avoid autopilot living.

Examples

• Bras leaving the Michelin system to focus on self-expression in the kitchen.
• Workers in prestige industries (law, finance) feeling burnt out despite outward "success."
• Students reevaluating their love for learning after exiting grade-focused academic systems.

7. Leaders Shape Desires for Good or Ill

Businesses and leaders create powerful models, intentionally or not. They bear responsibility for promoting meaningful pursuits.

Companies like Yolélé Foods elevate overlooked West African grains like fonio, modeling cultural pride aligned with sustainable goals. Conversely, businesses tethered to short-term gains often drive shallow desires for excessive consumption or competition rather than collaboration.

Aiming for long-lasting societal benefits, leaders can adopt transcendent leadership, pursuing ideals above the baseline metrics of wealth or fame. John F. Kennedy’s call to reach the moon exemplifies how inspirational, lofty goals foster collective ambition.

Examples

• Yolélé Foods promoting underrepresented West African traditions in global markets.
• Tech companies inadvertently driving self-centered consumer desires via engineered algorithms.
• JFK’s moonshot speech inspiring collective scientific and personal ambition.

8. Empathy Breaks Mimetic Cycles

Empathizing with others can stop dangerous cycles of mimicry. True empathy helps us connect without losing our sense of self.

By asking people to describe their “fulfillment stories,” we better understand their desires and avoid mimicking envy or rivalry. This resets harmful dynamics, creating healthier relationships grounded in understanding.

Empathy also brings self-awareness, disrupting automatic loops of comparison. Connecting with the deeper desires behind others’ goals moves us from superficial imitation to genuine appreciation.

Examples

• Sharing personal fulfillment stories and receiving active, nonjudgmental listening.
• Teachers focusing on students’ aspirations instead of prioritizing test scores.
• Bosses valuing their employees' personal growth over career ladder competitiveness.

9. Cultivating "Thick" Desires is the Way Forward

"Thin desires" focus on shallow status markers; deep self-reflection is essential to uncover our "thick desires," which foster long-term personal happiness.

In a world driven by tech's engineered desires—ads, likes, and fleeting social proof—we must pause to pursue enduring ambitions. Shifting from external validation to core goals involves consciously curating our influences.

Center your aspirations around meaningful models, such as historical figures, philosophy, or fulfilling teamwork efforts—those which reflect your best self. Thick desires leave you enriched, not drained.

Examples

• Parents modeling kindness, curiosity, and persistence for their children.
• Prioritizing family experiences over promotions or superficial rewards.
• Choosing role models with core principles rather than flashy achievements.

Takeaways

1. Identify and name the people or forces influencing what you want, especially on social media.
2. Practice empathy by asking loved ones about the most meaningful experiences in their lives.
3. Focus on your greatest "thick" desire, using it as the foundation to guide smaller decisions.