Introduction
In the world of relationships, there's no shortage of advice, tips, and tricks for finding and keeping love. But what if the secret to a lasting, fulfilling partnership isn't about what you can get, but what you can give? This is the core message of "We Over Me" by Khadeen Ellis, co-written with her husband Devale Ellis.
Khadeen and Devale Ellis are not your typical relationship gurus. They're a real couple who've been together for over two decades, weathering the storms of life together and coming out stronger on the other side. From teenage sweethearts to married parents of four, the Ellises have built a life together that's both inspiring and relatable.
In "We Over Me," Khadeen and Devale share their journey and the lessons they've learned along the way. Their approach to love is refreshingly honest and unconventional. They argue that the key to a successful relationship isn't about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rigid rules. Instead, it's about putting your partner's needs before your own and working together to create a unique partnership that works for both of you.
This book is a treasure trove of hard-won wisdom, practical advice, and heartfelt stories that will resonate with anyone who's ever been in love or wants to be. Whether you're single, in a new relationship, or have been married for years, "We Over Me" offers a fresh perspective on how to build and maintain a strong, loving partnership.
The "We Over Me" Philosophy
At the heart of the Ellises' relationship philosophy is a simple but powerful idea: put "we" before "me." This might sound counterintuitive in a world that often emphasizes self-care and individual happiness. But Khadeen and Devale argue that focusing on your partner's needs is actually the key to a more fulfilling relationship for both of you.
Serving Your Partner
The Ellises introduce the concept of relationships as a "service-based industry." This doesn't mean one person should be subservient to the other. Instead, it's about both partners committing to serve each other. When you enter a relationship, Khadeen and Devale suggest asking yourself: "Do I have the desire and capacity to serve this person?"
This approach shifts the focus from what you can get out of a relationship to what you can give. It's not about keeping score or expecting something in return. It's about genuinely wanting to make your partner's life better and easier.
The beauty of this approach is that when both partners adopt this mindset, they create a positive cycle of giving and receiving. You're not just putting your partner first; you're both putting each other first. This leads to a relationship where both people feel valued, supported, and loved.
Love Isn't Always Easy
One of the refreshing aspects of "We Over Me" is its honesty about the challenges of love. Khadeen and Devale don't sugarcoat the fact that relationships require work. They caution against the idea that love should always feel easy or effortless.
While the early stages of a relationship might be filled with excitement and passion, maintaining a long-term partnership requires effort, compromise, and sometimes even struggle. The Ellises argue that it's through addressing problems, facing challenges, and navigating conflicts that love grows stronger and more resilient.
This realistic view of love is empowering. It reassures readers that experiencing difficulties in a relationship doesn't mean the relationship is failing. Instead, it's an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
Committing to Marriage, Not Just a Person
For those considering or already in a marriage, the Ellises offer an important perspective: you need to commit not just to your partner, but to the idea of marriage itself. People change over time. The person you married may not always be the same person you're with years down the line. And that's okay.
Committing to the concept of marriage means being prepared to weather these changes together. It means accepting that your partner (and you) won't always live up to the ideal you had on your wedding day. This commitment provides a stable foundation that can withstand the inevitable ups and downs of life together.
Personal Growth in Relationships
While "We Over Me" emphasizes putting your partner first, it doesn't neglect the importance of individual growth. Khadeen and Devale stress that being in a relationship doesn't automatically solve your personal problems. In fact, they argue that it's crucial to continue working on yourself even when you're part of a couple.
They encourage readers to use tools like meditation, journaling, and therapy to address their own issues and continue personal development. This not only makes you a better partner but also contributes to a healthier, more balanced relationship overall.
Breaking Free from Relationship Blueprints
One of the most liberating messages in "We Over Me" is the importance of creating your own relationship rules. Khadeen and Devale share how they've rejected conventional relationship "blueprints" in favor of forging their own path.
Your Relationship, Your Rules
The Ellises' own relationship journey is a testament to the power of making your own rules. They started dating as teenagers, initially not wanting anything serious. They were open about seeing other people before committing to each other. Khadeen initiated physical intimacy first, breaking traditional gender expectations.
Even in difficult times, like when Khadeen had an abortion at 19, they made decisions together based on what felt right for them, not what others might expect. This willingness to define their own relationship has been key to their longevity as a couple.
Unlearning Family Patterns
Part of creating your own relationship blueprint involves examining and sometimes rejecting the relationship patterns you've learned from your family. Devale, for instance, had to unlearn the idea that he needed to "win" every argument to earn respect. Khadeen chose to ignore her mother's advice about not cooking for her partner, realizing she actually enjoyed doing it.
The Ellises also decided to be more open about their relationship struggles than their parents had been, rejecting the pressure to maintain a perfect public image. By consciously choosing which family patterns to keep and which to discard, they've created a relationship that feels authentic to them.
Avoiding Comparisons
A crucial aspect of forging your own path is resisting the urge to compare your relationship to others. Whether it's the seemingly perfect couples on social media or the fairy-tale romances in movies, external comparisons can be damaging to your relationship.
Khadeen and Devale emphasize that love, romance, and partnership are not one-size-fits-all concepts. What works for one couple may not work for another. By focusing on creating a relationship that feels right for you and your partner, rather than trying to fit someone else's mold, you set yourself up for greater satisfaction and success.
Supporting Each Other's Dreams
One of the most inspiring aspects of Khadeen and Devale's relationship is how they've supported each other's dreams and ambitions over the years. Their story shows that a strong partnership can be a launching pad for individual success.
Navigating Financial Challenges
The Ellises' early married life was far from easy. After their honeymoon, they faced unexpected pregnancy, career transitions, and financial struggles. Devale was moving away from his NFL career and trying to establish himself as an actor and entrepreneur. Khadeen worked full-time in retail to provide a stable income and health insurance for their family.
This period was challenging and led to resentment on both sides. They had internalized traditional gender roles that didn't fit their reality. Devale felt pressure to be the breadwinner, while Khadeen wanted to spend more time with their son. However, by communicating openly and letting go of these preconceived notions, they were able to work as a team towards their common goals.
Creating a Foundation for Success
The Ellises' approach to supporting each other's dreams is all about creating a solid foundation from which each partner can reach for their goals. When Devale secured union membership through his acting work, providing health insurance for the family, he encouraged Khadeen to pursue her dream of becoming a freelance makeup artist.
This mutual support has allowed both of them to achieve success in their chosen fields. They've learned to pivot and adjust their roles as needed to ensure that both partners can pursue their ambitions. This flexibility and willingness to put the other's needs first has been key to their individual and joint success.
Ignoring Critics
Living their relationship in the public eye has exposed Khadeen and Devale to criticism. Some have called Khadeen "submissive" or labeled Devale a "simp" for prioritizing his partner's needs. However, the Ellises are confident in their approach and don't let these criticisms affect them.
Their message is clear: what matters is that your relationship works for you and your partner, not what others think about it. By staying true to their own values and goals, they've built a partnership that supports both of their dreams and ambitions.
Maintaining Physical Intimacy
One of the most candid and helpful sections of "We Over Me" deals with maintaining a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship. Khadeen and Devale tackle this often taboo subject with honesty and practical advice.
Dealing with Mismatched Libidos
The Ellises are open about their struggles with mismatched sex drives. Devale typically has a higher libido than Khadeen, especially after they had children. This mismatch led to tension and was even a factor in some of their "off-again" periods early in their relationship.
However, they've found ways to navigate this challenge and maintain a satisfying sex life. Their approach involves open communication, understanding each other's needs, and finding creative solutions.
Open and Guilt-Free Communication
One of the key strategies the Ellises advocate is removing guilt from conversations about sex. They stress the importance of being able to express your desires and boundaries without feeling shame or causing your partner to feel inadequate.
For example, when Khadeen expresses that she doesn't always want sex, it's not a reflection on Devale's attractiveness. Similarly, when Devale expresses a desire for more intimacy, he's not trying to pressure Khadeen, just honestly sharing his needs.
Persistence in Communication
The Ellises emphasize the importance of continuing to talk about sex, even if it feels like you're having the same conversation over and over. They share that for a long time, their discussions about sex didn't seem to change – Devale wanted more, Khadeen didn't. But the key was that they kept the lines of communication open.
They argue that having repetitive conversations about sex isn't necessarily a problem, but not talking about sex at all is a major issue. By persistently discussing their sexual needs and challenges, they were able to eventually find solutions that worked for both of them.
Serving Each Other Sexually
In line with their overall philosophy of putting their partner first, Khadeen and Devale applied this principle to their sex life as well. They each found ways to meet their partner's needs without compromising their own boundaries or comfort.
For Khadeen, this meant being honest about the factors affecting her libido, such as hormones and postpartum depression. She sought help from doctors and therapists to address these issues. She also found non-penetrative ways to please Devale when she wasn't in the mood for full intercourse.
Devale, on his part, learned to understand and respect Khadeen's changing needs and desires. He supported her in exploring new turn-ons and discovering what worked for her at different stages of life. They found that travel and new experiences were particularly effective in rekindling Khadeen's desire, so they made an effort to incorporate more of these into their life.
Prioritizing Intimacy
One of the key messages from the Ellises is the importance of prioritizing physical intimacy, even when life gets busy or stressful. They've made a conscious effort to carve out time for each other, whether it's through regular date nights or weekend getaways without the kids.
By treating their sex life as an important part of their relationship that deserves time and attention, they've been able to maintain a strong physical connection even after years together and multiple children.
Embracing Imperfection
Throughout "We Over Me," Khadeen and Devale emphasize the importance of embracing imperfection in relationships. They argue that the pursuit of a "perfect" relationship often leads to disappointment and unnecessary stress.
Real Love vs. Fairy Tales
The Ellises encourage readers to let go of fairy-tale notions of romance. They stress that real love isn't about finding a flawless partner or never experiencing conflict. Instead, it's about choosing to love and support your partner every day, even when things are difficult.
They share stories from their own relationship to illustrate this point. From financial struggles to misunderstandings and arguments, they've faced numerous challenges. But it's through working through these difficulties together that their love has grown stronger.
Growth Through Challenges
Rather than seeing relationship challenges as signs of failure, Khadeen and Devale frame them as opportunities for growth. They argue that it's often during the toughest times that you have the chance to deepen your connection and understanding of each other.
This perspective can be incredibly empowering. It encourages couples to face their problems head-on, rather than avoiding them or giving up when things get tough. By viewing challenges as a natural part of any relationship, couples can approach them with a more positive and constructive mindset.
Celebrating Uniqueness
Another important aspect of embracing imperfection is celebrating the unique qualities of your relationship. The Ellises encourage readers to appreciate the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make their partnership special, rather than trying to conform to some external ideal of what a relationship should be.
This might mean having unconventional roles within your relationship, like Devale being a stay-at-home dad while Khadeen worked. Or it could mean having your own unique rituals or ways of showing affection. The key is to value what works for you and your partner, rather than what others might expect or approve of.
Final Thoughts: The Power of "We Over Me"
As "We Over Me" draws to a close, Khadeen and Devale Ellis leave readers with a powerful message: in a world that often prioritizes individual needs and desires, choosing to put your partner first can lead to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
The Ellises' approach to love is both radical and refreshingly simple. By focusing on serving your partner and prioritizing the needs of your relationship over your individual wants, you create a partnership that's greater than the sum of its parts. This doesn't mean losing yourself or sacrificing your own happiness. Instead, it's about recognizing that true fulfillment often comes from giving rather than receiving.
Throughout the book, Khadeen and Devale share personal stories that illustrate how this philosophy has shaped their relationship. From supporting each other's career dreams to navigating intimacy issues, they've consistently chosen to put "we" before "me." And while their journey hasn't always been smooth, it's led them to a place of deep love, mutual respect, and shared success.
The beauty of the "we over me" approach is that it creates a positive cycle within the relationship. When both partners are focused on meeting each other's needs, both end up feeling valued, supported, and loved. This, in turn, strengthens the bond between them and makes the relationship more resilient in the face of challenges.
Khadeen and Devale also emphasize the importance of creating your own relationship blueprint. They encourage readers to let go of societal expectations and family patterns that don't serve them, and instead focus on building a partnership that feels authentic and right for them. This might mean rejecting traditional gender roles, communicating in unconventional ways, or defining success differently than others might.
Perhaps most importantly, "We Over Me" offers a realistic and hopeful view of long-term love. The Ellises don't shy away from discussing the difficulties they've faced, but they also celebrate the joy, growth, and fulfillment they've found in their relationship. Their story serves as a testament to the power of commitment, communication, and mutual support in building a lasting partnership.
In essence, "We Over Me" is more than just a relationship guide – it's a call to approach love with generosity, creativity, and courage. By putting their partner's needs first, being willing to forge their own path, and embracing the imperfections of real love, Khadeen and Devale Ellis have created a relationship that's both inspiring and achievable.
For anyone looking to build a stronger, more satisfying partnership, the message of "We Over Me" offers a compelling roadmap. It reminds us that while relationships require work, the rewards of a truly collaborative and supportive partnership are well worth the effort. In choosing "we" over "me," we open ourselves up to a deeper, richer experience of love – one that can weather life's storms and celebrate its joys, hand in hand with our chosen partner.