We Over Me

To truly thrive in a relationship, ask yourself: Do I have the desire and capacity to serve this person over myself?

1. Relationships Thrive on Service

Every relationship asks its partners to serve one another. Khadeen and Devale Ellis believe that prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own creates a stronger bond. This practice allows both people to grow together, moving beyond self-centered thinking.

Instead of focusing on what your partner can offer you—whether emotionally or financially—try asking what you can give. This shift moves the focus from individual satisfaction to shared growth as a couple. It prevents selfish expectations from undermining mutual respect and understanding.

The catch? Both people must commit to this mindset. By simultaneously prioritizing each other, couples create a balance. This synergy allows them to reach goals together that they might never have achieved alone. It transforms relationships into spaces of empowerment, where giving becomes reciprocal.

Examples

• Khadeen and Devale describe marriage as a “service-based industry,” requiring ongoing effort.
• They suggest recognizing whether you’re ready to commit before entering a relationship.
• They highlight how unresolved personal problems won’t vanish just because you’re in a couple.

2. Love Is Work, But Worth It

The Ellises argue that love isn’t effortless—it demands active participation. They challenge the idea that relationships should always feel easy or that constant harmony signifies a successful partnership.

It’s tempting to view initial infatuation as “true love,” but the couple warns against mistaking fleeting chemistry for lasting commitment. True love emerges after addressing difficult issues, navigating conflicts, and putting consistent work into the relationship.

Acknowledging that people change over time is another step toward lasting love. Commit not just to the person, but to the concept of marriage. The highs and lows will come, but focusing on resolving problems together ensures love perseveres.

Examples

• Devale notes that people who believe love is natural often give up when faced with challenges.
• Khadeen emphasizes committing to marriage as a journey, not just a romantic ideal.
• They advocate tools like journaling and therapy for addressing personal struggles.

3. Throw Out the Blueprint

Every couple has unique dynamics, but social comparisons often lure us into unhealthy expectations. The Ellises stress that relationships don’t follow universal blueprints, and trying to emulate someone else’s creates unnecessary strain.

Their own journey has defied societal norms. For instance, they didn’t set out to be exclusive at the start, and their roles often flipped traditional gender expectations. Instead of following outdated advice from family or friends, they explored what worked for them.

Building your own rules frees you from rigid standards. It invites honest exploration and encourages couples to trust their own instincts. By ditching comparison, you can create a relationship that feels natural and fulfilling.

Examples

• Khadeen rejected her mom’s advice not to fix meals for a man because she enjoyed cooking for Devale.
• Devale realized he needed to unlearn toxic argument habits modeled by his parents.
• They aired their struggles openly, opposing their families' tendency to hide problems.

4. Make Room For Partnership

Struggles early in marriage—financial stress, parenting challenges, and shifting roles—tested the Ellises’ commitment. They realized that focusing on common goals rather than their individual struggles deepened their bond.

After losing his NFL paycheck, Devale transitioned to being a stay-at-home dad while Khadeen provided financial stability. Resentment built at first, as both felt trapped in traditional gender roles. Open communication helped them understand their frustrations came from societal pressure, not each other.

Through sacrifice and coordination, they built a partnership emphasizing flexibility. They adapted to life’s curveballs by supporting each other’s dreams and sharing burdens equally.

Examples

• Khadeen kept the family afloat during Devale’s career change by working long hours at MAC.
• Devale later encouraged her to quit and start her makeup business, providing emotional and financial backing.
• Critics accused Khadeen of being "submissive," but they remained focused on mutual support.

5. Communication Prevents Disconnect

When stress builds, couples often withdraw, but the Ellises advocate relentless communication as the antidote to relationship fatigue. They emphasize addressing both the trivial and major issues regularly.

With mismatched sex drives, for example, repeated conversations allowed them to map their needs. Though monotonous, these talks eventually bridged the gap between their sexual expectations.

It’s not about reaching immediate solutions but keeping communication open. Frequent, honest discussions act as a release valve for potential resentment and strengthen mutual understanding over time.

Examples

• They discussed sex openly, removing guilt or unnecessary tension.
• Consistent talks helped resolve postpartum intimacy challenges.
• Both partners learned to express emotions constructively instead of bottling frustration.

6. Match Adventure With Routine

New experiences can reignite passion, even in the busiest seasons of life. For Khadeen and Devale, changing environments or trying new activities refreshed their connection.

When life feels routine, couples often lose their spark. Travel, dates, and creative outings interrupt monotony, helping partners see each other in fresh ways. This shift is especially important for parents, whose lives center on family responsibilities.

Schedule intentional moments away to prioritize your bond. Whether it’s traveling or enjoying a quiet night at a restaurant without kids, these activities reestablish intimacy.

Examples

• Khadeen noted that kid-free weekends helped her reconnect with Devale romantically.
• Trying new restaurants or activities helped them break stale habits during busy years.
• Exploring what turned Khadeen on led to creative ways of maintaining intimacy.

7. Overcoming Role Expectations

Traditional gender roles often limit growth. The couple realized that by breaking free of those molds, they could redefine success for both themselves and their family.

Early on, both internalized cultural norms about work and caregiving. Devale struggled emotionally with being the stay-at-home parent, while Khadeen yearned for more balance between home and work life. Reconciling these feelings came when they stopped adhering to societal norms, instead focusing on what worked for their family.

Shifting roles allowed them to celebrate each other’s individual wins—and pursue their personal growth as a team.

Examples

• Khadeen delayed her dreams until Devale’s acting career provided stability.
• Devale’s flexibility enabled Khadeen’s eventual leap to self-employment.
• They encouraged each other by recognizing sacrifices rather than focusing on shortcomings.

8. Adaptation Over Perfection

Few relationships remain static; seasons of change demand constant adaptation. Each partner must adjust their behavior and expectations to circumstances, whether financial struggles or shifting desires.

Understanding and flexibility are what carried the Ellises forward through ups and downs. They managed pregnancies, career transitions, and financial stress not by opposing change but by embracing it together.

This adaptability makes love resilient, ensuring partners grow rather than drift apart.

Examples

• They overcame financial struggles collaboratively after the NFL days ended.
• Emotional and hormonal shifts post-baby inspired Khadeen to seek therapy, with Devale’s support.
• Their marriage adapted through cycles of career changes and personal challenges.

9. Sex Is an Ongoing Conversation

The Ellises reject the idea that long-term relationships naturally lose their sexual spark. They believe intimacy requires as much attention as any other aspect of the marriage.

By removing guilt and shame from their conversations about sex, they created a safe space to address their mismatched libidos. Understanding hormonal changes, emotional barriers, and life stressors helped them refine their intimate connection.

Fun, experimentation, and thoughtful responses to each other’s physical needs keep their intimate lives alive, even after years of marriage.

Examples

• Khadeen sought medical insight to restore her libido after postpartum struggles.
• Non-sexual touch became essential during times of reduced intimacy.
• Weekend dates focused on relaxation and romance reinforced physical connection.

Takeaways

1. Shift your mindset to serving your partner—when both people do this equally, relationships grow stronger.
2. Stop comparing your relationship to others; create rules and expectations that match your unique dynamic.
3. Adapt to change together by communicating honestly and supporting each other through life’s transitions.