What to Do When You’re New

Ever wondered why stepping into a room full of strangers feels so uncomfortable? "What to Do When You’re New" explains this universal experience and offers ways to turn these moments into opportunities for connection.

1. New situations naturally awaken fear because of our evolutionary roots.

Our apprehension in unfamiliar settings stems from deeply ingrained instincts. In prehistoric times, humans lived in small groups, rarely encountering outsiders. Evolution favored caution and alertness toward strangers since unknown interactions could pose threats. This primal fear still lingers today.

Even as children, the fear of strangers becomes evident by their sixth month. Parents and teachers reinforce it through repeated warnings about the dangers of unknown people. While useful for safety, this reinforces unease in unfamiliar scenarios.

Modern culture adds another layer by stigmatizing failure to connect socially. We crave belonging because it once ensured survival, and today, it’s tied to self-worth. Yet, this instinct clashes with our fear of novelty, creating an internal paradox.

Examples

• Infants become anxious around unknown faces after six months of age.
• Evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar found humans once interacted with only about 150 people in their lifetimes.
• Social pressures label people without communities as "outsiders" or "loners."

2. A change in mindset can help reduce stress in fresh experiences.

The discomfort in new situations is often amplified by habitual reactions. Many people unconsciously follow "scripts" that feel safe but limit engagement. For instance, introducing yourself at work with a quick “Hello, I’m [Name], nice to meet you” may seem harmless, but it lacks depth.

Instead of falling back on routines, embracing a new mindset can improve how we handle such scenarios. Seeing these moments as learning opportunities allows us to reconsider our response to anxiety.

Three effective mindsets include:

1. The "coach mindset," treating each situation as practice that refines your skills.
2. The "gamer mindset," viewing social challenges as levels in a game where persistence wins.
3. The "beginner’s mindset," focusing on the joy of discovery and embracing mistakes as part of growth.

Examples

• A gamer mindset can make navigating a new gym feel like leveling up in a fitness "social game."
• A beginner’s mindset helps alleviate pressures when trying a new hobby, like painting.
• Viewing workplace introductions as skill-building training can lead to better confidence.

3. Introducing yourself effectively establishes better connections.

Greeting someone appropriately is the first step in connecting, yet many hesitate, fearing they’ll annoy others. The truth is, almost no one gets upset by a friendly introduction. In fact, failing to introduce oneself risks appearing uninterested.

To introduce yourself effectively, clarity and brevity are key. Start by giving your name, saying why you’re introducing yourself, and asking for a good moment to connect. Also, personalize the interaction by mentioning a relevant context, like shared workspaces or interests.

Following up with thoughtful questions shifts focus to the other person, creating rapport. Since people enjoy talking about themselves, asking about their role, interests, or opinions can help the conversation flow smoothly.

Examples

• Start with, “Hi, I’m Alex, the new designer. Is now a good time to chat?”
• After meeting a colleague, jot down key details to avoid confusion later.
• Asking, “What’s your favorite project here?” encourages engaged discussions.

4. Remembering names makes people feel valued.

Forgetting someone’s name can feel embarrassing, but it’s common. Our brains weren’t optimized to store names—they’re filed in memory separately from other associations with a person. Context-dependent recall also trips us up, making names harder to recollect outside the original setting.

There are strategies to improve name retention. Using mental imagery can help, such as visualizing the person’s name written across their face or imagining them with someone you already know with the same name. Repeating their name during interactions further reinforces memory.

Additionally, writing names alongside notes about your interaction can bolster recall, preventing potentially awkward encounters in the future.

Examples

• Upon meeting a “Catherine,” imagine her name spelled out in bright lights.
• Mention the name back in conversation: “Nice to meet you, Catherine!”
• Jotting down names in your planner ensures long-term memory.

5. Questions are powerful tools for learning and building relationships.

Newcomers often hesitate to ask questions, fearing they’ll seem unprepared or inept. Yet, asking the right questions signals curiosity and a willingness to learn. When framed properly, questions encourage others to see you as motivated rather than dependent.

Choose clarity and precision when asking questions. For example, a simple “How does this part of the project work?” will yield better results than bundling multiple queries at once. Additionally, emphasizing you’re new to the environment softens any perceived judgment.

When asking for advice, use the mindset of wanting to learn instead of shifting work. This distinction makes people more cooperative and willing to assist.

Examples

• Rephrase “Can you fix this for me?” into “Could you show me how this works?”
• Asking "I’m new here—what tips do you have for using this system?" opens doors for help.
• People are more forgiving when you explain you’re just getting started.

6. Keep the focus on giving energy to others.

Many people worry excessively about how they’re perceived when new. This hyperfocus leads to misinterpreting harmless signals as disinterest or rejection. But instead of obsessing over being liked, shift focus toward creating positive interactions.

People gain energy from feeling heard and valued. Listening intentionally and showing respect for their ideas can make discussions more rewarding. Avoid dominating conversations with your own achievements. Balance self-expression with genuine curiosity about others.

By prioritizing a positive presence, you shift dynamics in your favor, creating warmth and approachability that lays the foundation for strong connections.

Examples

• If someone shares their weekend plans, respond with enthusiasm: “That sounds great! How long have you been doing that?”
• Tuning into the conversation shows more interest than interrupting with unrelated stories.
• Long-term employees often appreciate a newcomer respecting their insights.

7. Mistakes in new environments are stepping stones, not failures.

Anxiety about performance often holds us back when we’re new to something. Society perpetuates the belief we’re naturally gifted at certain tasks (“a math person” or “a creative”). But in truth, skills grow with consistent effort.

Adopting a learning mindset can ease the pressure to perform perfectly. Recognizing that initial mistakes are learning opportunities, not reflections of ability, promotes resilience over time. Most people watching your performance are too busy focusing on their own concerns to notice minor slip-ups.

Acknowledging your inexperience openly also invites feedback and support, turning errors into lessons.

Examples

• Apologize honestly: “I’m still getting used to this software—appreciate any pointers you have.”
• Start a challenging fitness class by telling the trainer, “I’m new here and eager to learn.”
• Seeking feedback after a first presentation conveys commitment to improvement.

8. Our culture exaggerates social stakes, making rejection feel worse than it is.

Fear of rejection magnifies ambiguous interactions, transforming neutral actions into imagined slights. This overthinking derails budding relationships unnecessarily.

Instead of assuming the worst, take time to put things into context. A colleague rushing past you may simply be preoccupied and not exhibiting dislike. Giving people the benefit of the doubt helps avoid unnecessary emotional strain.

Start interactions by projecting open, approachable energy through smiles or friendly greetings. When people sense your warmth, they’re more inclined to reciprocate.

Examples

• Remember that first-day awkwardness fades by the second or third interaction.
• Reframing neutral moments—like unanswered smiles—can prevent overthinking.
• Friendliness often breaks tension, even if the other person seems distant.

9. Building authentic connections relies on reciprocal energy exchange.

Connecting well with others hinges on mutual benefits and effort. Positive social interactions create cycles of giving and receiving energy. This dynamic fosters trust and cooperation, ensuring relationships grow stronger over time.

Actively listening, showing empathy, and validating others’ emotions are simple ways to start giving energy. When people feel respected and uplifted, they’re naturally inclined to offer support in return.

Avoid draining energy from others by gossiping or dominating conversations. Instead, make them feel valued, which encourages the relationship to flourish.

Examples

• Asking, “What’s your perspective on this problem?” acknowledges their expertise.
• Offering help first—like volunteering for a group project—creates goodwill.
• Practicing generosity with compliments fosters feelings of warmth among peers.

Takeaways

1. Approach every new situation with a mindset focused on learning, experimenting, and improving rather than achieving perfection.
2. Build your social connections intentionally by practicing active listening, remembering names, and keeping conversations balanced.
3. Don’t fear mistakes; instead, use them to demonstrate humility and invite feedback that strengthens your abilities over time.