Introduction
Have you ever found yourself in a new situation, feeling awkward, anxious, and unsure of how to act? Whether it's starting a new job, attending a social event where you don't know anyone, or joining a new class or group, being "the new person" can be a daunting experience. In his book "What to Do When You're New," Keith Rollag tackles this universal challenge and provides practical strategies for navigating unfamiliar territories with confidence and ease.
This book is a valuable resource for anyone who wants to improve their ability to handle new situations, build relationships, and perform well in unfamiliar environments. Rollag combines insights from evolutionary biology, psychology, and social science to explain why we often feel uncomfortable in new settings and offers actionable advice on how to overcome these natural tendencies.
Why We Feel Anxious in New Situations
One of the first things Rollag addresses is the root cause of our anxiety in new situations. It turns out that our discomfort is deeply ingrained in our evolutionary history.
The Evolutionary Perspective
Throughout most of human history, our ancestors lived in small, tight-knit groups of around 150 people. Encountering strangers was a rare and potentially dangerous event. As a result, our brains evolved to be cautious and alert in unfamiliar situations. This instinctive wariness of the unknown was a survival mechanism that kept our ancestors safe from potential threats.
Even in our modern world, where meeting new people is a common occurrence, this ancient programming still influences our behavior. It's why we often feel a surge of anxiety when we enter a room full of strangers or start a new job.
The Fear of Exclusion
Adding to this innate caution is our fear of being excluded from social groups. For our ancestors, being part of a group was crucial for survival. Those who were excluded faced significant risks, including starvation and vulnerability to predators. While group membership is no longer a matter of life and death in most modern societies, we still carry this deep-seated fear of exclusion.
This fear is further reinforced by cultural messages that emphasize the importance of belonging and social success. As a result, we often find ourselves caught in a paradox: we're anxious about new situations, yet we also desperately want to fit in and be accepted.
Changing Your Mindset
Recognizing the origins of our discomfort is the first step, but to truly thrive in new situations, we need to change our mindset. Rollag suggests several approaches to reframe how we think about being new:
The Coach Mindset
Think of new situations as training opportunities. Just as an athlete improves through practice and feedback, you can view each new experience as a chance to hone your social and professional skills. This perspective allows you to be more open to learning and less focused on perfect performance.
The Gamer Mindset
Approach new situations as if they were levels in a video game. Each unfamiliar scenario becomes a challenge to overcome, with the goal of improving your "score" each time. This playful attitude can help reduce anxiety and make the process more enjoyable.
The Beginner's Mindset
Embrace the role of a beginner. Instead of feeling pressure to know everything right away, allow yourself to be curious and open to learning. This mindset gives you permission to make mistakes and ask questions without feeling incompetent.
By adopting one or more of these mindsets, you can transform your approach to new situations from one of anxiety and avoidance to one of growth and opportunity.
Mastering the Art of Introduction
One of the most crucial skills for thriving in new situations is the ability to introduce yourself effectively. Many people struggle with this, often waiting for others to make the first move or worrying about making a poor first impression. However, Rollag emphasizes that taking the initiative to introduce yourself is almost always better than remaining silent.
Creating an Introduction Strategy
To make introductions less daunting, Rollag suggests developing a simple strategy:
- Choose an appropriate moment to approach someone.
- Offer a greeting and state your name clearly.
- Briefly explain who you are and why you're introducing yourself.
- If appropriate, ask if it's a good time to chat.
- Provide some context for your presence or role.
For example, you might say something like: "Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm the new marketing assistant, and I'll be working in the office across the hall. I wanted to introduce myself since we'll probably be seeing each other often. Is this a good time to chat for a moment?"
Following Up
After the initial introduction, it's important to engage in a brief conversation to establish the foundation of your relationship. Use this time to learn about the other person, find common ground, and explore potential future connections. If you're unsure how to keep the conversation going, asking questions about the other person is usually a safe and effective approach.
The Importance of Note-Taking
One often overlooked aspect of introductions is the value of taking notes afterward. While you might think you'll remember important details about the people you meet, it's surprisingly easy to forget or mix up information, especially when you're meeting many new people in a short time. Taking a few moments to jot down key points about each person you meet can save you from embarrassment later and help you build stronger connections.
The Power of Remembering Names
One of the most impactful ways to make a good impression in new situations is to remember and use people's names. However, many of us struggle with this seemingly simple task. Rollag explains that our difficulty with names is partly due to our evolutionary history – our brains simply weren't designed to remember large numbers of names – and partly due to how our memory works.
Why Names Are Hard to Remember
Names are often stored in a different part of our brain than other information about a person, which is why you might remember someone's face or job but blank on their name. Additionally, the phenomenon of context-dependent recall means that we might easily recall a name in one setting (like the office) but struggle to remember it in another (like running into the same person at a store).
Strategies for Name Recall
Fortunately, there are several techniques you can use to improve your ability to remember names:
Visual association: Imagine the person standing next to someone you know with the same name, or picture their name written across their face.
Repetition: Use the person's name several times during your conversation. For example, "It's nice to meet you, John. So, John, how long have you been with the company?"
Clarification: Ask about the spelling or pronunciation of the name. This not only helps you remember but also shows respect for the person's identity.
End-of-conversation reinforcement: Use the person's name again when saying goodbye to help cement it in your memory.
By making a conscious effort to remember and use names, you demonstrate respect and interest in others, which can go a long way in building positive relationships in new environments.
Overcoming the Fear of Asking Questions
When we're new to a situation, we often need to ask for information, help, or advice. However, this is also when we're most reluctant to do so. Many people worry that asking questions will make them appear incompetent or bothersome. Rollag addresses this common concern and provides strategies for asking questions effectively.
Understanding the Fear
The fear of asking questions often stems from an irrational belief that others will judge us negatively or refuse to help. In reality, most people are happy to assist newcomers and appreciate the opportunity to share their knowledge.
Effective Question-Asking Strategies
To make asking questions easier and more effective, Rollag suggests the following approaches:
Adopt a learning mindset: Frame your questions in terms of wanting to learn, rather than asking others to solve your problems. For example, instead of asking someone to complete a task for you, ask them to show you how to do it.
Keep questions concise: Avoid asking multiple questions at once, as this can be overwhelming and may result in only partial answers.
Leverage your "new" status: Don't be afraid to mention that you're new. People are generally more patient and willing to help those who are just starting out.
By following these guidelines, you can gather the information you need while building positive relationships with your new colleagues or acquaintances.
Staying Positive and Giving Energy
When we're in new situations, we often become preoccupied with how others perceive us. This self-consciousness can lead us to misinterpret social cues and assume the worst about our interactions. Rollag emphasizes the importance of maintaining a positive outlook and focusing on giving energy to others rather than worrying about their opinions of us.
Avoiding Misinterpretation of Social Signals
It's common for newcomers to interpret neutral or ambiguous behavior as signs of rejection or dislike. For example, if a coworker hurries past without saying hello, you might assume they don't like you, when in reality, they might simply be running late for a meeting. Rollag encourages readers to put themselves in others' shoes and consider alternative explanations for behavior that might seem unfriendly at first glance.
The Importance of Positive Energy
One of the most effective ways to build relationships in new situations is to focus on giving energy to others. People tend to feel energized when they feel understood, respected, and genuinely listened to. By showing genuine interest in others and validating their ideas and opinions, you can create positive interactions that make people want to engage with you more.
Balancing Self-Promotion and Interest in Others
While it's important to share information about yourself, Rollag cautions against trying too hard to impress others with your accomplishments. Instead, aim for a balance between talking about yourself and showing interest in your conversation partners. This approach is more likely to create energizing, positive interactions.
The Power of Positive Talk
Another key aspect of giving energy is to speak positively about others. When you express positive sentiments about people, others tend to attribute those positive qualities to you as well. This can help create a favorable impression and foster goodwill in your new environment.
Overcoming Performance Anxiety
One of the biggest challenges in new situations is the fear of performing or contributing in front of unfamiliar people. This anxiety can hold us back from sharing ideas, participating in activities, or taking on new challenges. Rollag explores the roots of this fear and offers strategies for overcoming it.
The "Talent is Fixed" Mindset
Much of our performance anxiety stems from what psychologist Carol Dweck calls the "talent is fixed" mindset. This belief, often developed in childhood, suggests that our abilities are innate and unchangeable. When we struggle with something new, we interpret it as a sign that we're simply not good at it, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to learn and improve.
Embracing a "Getting-Better" Mindset
To combat performance anxiety, Rollag recommends adopting a "getting-better" mindset. This perspective focuses on the idea that talents and skills can be developed through learning, effort, and practice. With this mindset, you can approach new situations with the understanding that your initial performance doesn't define your potential.
Key aspects of the "getting-better" mindset include:
- Recognizing that early mistakes are part of the learning process, not indicators of inherent ability.
- Focusing on improvement rather than perfection.
- Being open to asking for help and feedback, which demonstrates a commitment to growth.
Realistic Perspectives on Mistakes
Another important aspect of overcoming performance anxiety is developing a realistic view of how others perceive our mistakes. Rollag points out that we tend to overestimate how much attention others pay to our errors. In reality, most people are far more focused on their own performance and thoughts than on scrutinizing yours.
Even when others do notice our mistakes, they're more likely to attribute them to inexperience rather than incompetence, especially if they know we're new to the situation. This understanding can help alleviate the pressure we put on ourselves to perform flawlessly from the start.
The Power of Reciprocal Altruism
One of the most effective ways to build positive relationships in new situations is through what scientists call reciprocal altruism. This concept refers to the natural human tendency to want to help those who have helped us. By understanding and leveraging this principle, you can create a positive cycle of mutual support and goodwill in your new environment.
How to Use Reciprocal Altruism
To harness the power of reciprocal altruism, focus on giving energy and support to others through actions such as:
- Actively listening to their ideas and concerns
- Showing appreciation for their contributions
- Offering help or assistance when appropriate
When you consistently demonstrate these behaviors, others will naturally feel inclined to reciprocate by listening to you, appreciating your efforts, and offering help when you need it.
Recap of Key Ideas
As we conclude our exploration of "What to Do When You're New," let's recap the main strategies for thriving in unfamiliar situations:
- Understand the evolutionary roots of your anxiety in new situations.
- Adopt a growth-oriented mindset, such as the coach, gamer, or beginner's perspective.
- Master the art of introducing yourself confidently and effectively.
- Develop techniques for remembering names to build stronger connections.
- Overcome your fear of asking questions by adopting a learning attitude.
- Focus on giving positive energy to others rather than worrying about their perceptions of you.
- Combat performance anxiety by embracing a "getting-better" mindset.
- Leverage the principle of reciprocal altruism to build mutually supportive relationships.
Final Thoughts
Being new is a universal experience that we all face throughout our lives. While it can be challenging and anxiety-inducing, it also presents incredible opportunities for growth, learning, and connection. By understanding the psychological and biological factors that influence our behavior in new situations and applying the strategies outlined in this book, we can transform these experiences from sources of stress into exciting adventures of personal development.
Remember that everyone makes mistakes and feels uncomfortable at first. The key is to approach new situations with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to learn. As you practice these skills, you'll find that your confidence grows, your anxiety diminishes, and your ability to thrive in unfamiliar environments improves dramatically.
So the next time you find yourself in a new situation – whether it's starting a job, joining a club, or attending a social event – embrace the opportunity. Use the tools and insights from "What to Do When You're New" to introduce yourself with confidence, build meaningful connections, and make the most of your new beginning. With practice and the right mindset, you can turn the challenge of being new into one of your greatest strengths.