Why We Can’t Sleep

Why are so many Generation X women feeling exhausted, stuck, and silently anxious? Ada Calhoun explores the hidden midlife struggles that many don't talk about but desperately need to understand.

1. The "Having It All" Dream Created Impossible Standards

Generation X women grew up seeing advertisements and cultural narratives that promised them they could achieve anything. For example, a popular Enjoli perfume ad celebrated "doing it all," featuring a dynamic woman balancing a career, family obligations, and a romantic life—all with endless energy. This dream of boundless opportunity was both intoxicating and deceptive.

The pressure to “do it all” transformed into an expectation that women must excel at everything—professional careers, parenting, personal relationships, and self-care—without showing any strain. Girls were told that their success was limited only by their willpower and imagination. However, this message ignored the persistent societal and structural barriers that continued to exist.

As women approached middle age, they began to internalize feelings of inadequacy when life did not reflect these ideals. The inability to meet these unachievable expectations often led to shame and a crisis of identity, exacerbated by economic hardships and cultural demands.

Examples

• The federal law Title IX expanded educational opportunities but did not dismantle ingrained workplace gender disparities.
• Stereotypical women in media appeared invulnerable, leading women to blame themselves for struggles.
• Gen X women were told they were free to pursue any dream but were often met with structural obstacles like unequal pay and unpaid domestic labor.

2. Workplace Discrimination Against Generation X Women Persists

Sheryl Sandberg’s “lean in” philosophy promised workplace success to women brave enough to advocate for themselves. Yet, many Gen X women have discovered that ambition is insufficient to overcome deeply entrenched biases.

Middle-aged women not only face gender discrimination but also age prejudice in the workplace. By mid-career, men are significantly more likely to rise to senior positions, with opportunities increasingly scarce for older women. Additionally, the wage gap affects Gen X more starkly as they age, with women in their 40s earning significantly less than male counterparts, compounding over their careers.

The rise of freelance work has been framed as empowering, but this shift often leaves women vulnerable to erratic income streams, job instability, and other stresses. Ultimately, systemic bias continues to thwart the professional advancement Generation X women spent their youth striving toward.

Examples

• Women earn 49 cents to the male dollar after accounting for career interruptions.
• Facebook job ads targeting younger demographics exemplify built-in age bias in hiring.
• Freelancing is celebrated as flexible but often leaves women with unpredictable pay and no benefits.

3. Financial Instability Shapes Midlife for Gen X Women

Unlike their parents, who benefited from post-war economic prosperity, Gen X women encountered economic challenges at every turn. They came of age during successive recessions, starting careers in one financial downturn and facing others like the dotcom crash and the 2008 housing crisis.

These events left many carrying massive debt, often amplified by student loans and healthcare costs. Women also disproportionately shoulder expenses for childcare, aging parents, and household needs, further limiting their financial stability.

This financial strain delayed or derailed many women’s career goals and aspirations. By middle age, dreams of professional success or financial freedom collided with a harsh reality of compromised ambitions.

Examples

• Gen Xers possess 82% more debt than Boomers on average.
• The 2008 mortgage crisis trapped many in homes worth far less than their purchase price.
• Health costs and lack of insurance frequently force families into financial emergencies.

4. Parenting Demands Overwhelmed Working Gen X Mothers

Parenting today is far more time-intensive compared to prior generations. Expectations for middle-class mothers include supervising homework, planning enriching activities, cooking wholesome meals, and managing emotional well-being, all while holding down a job.

Mothers now spend more time on paid work and childcare combined compared to previous generations. How they partition their time has resulted in an unforgiving schedule of labor. Beyond physical tasks, women typically handle “invisible labor”—the responsibility of managing the mental and emotional task list for the household.

These mounting commitments, paired with professional responsibilities, leave Gen X women feeling burned out and unsupported, often bearing these challenges independently.

Examples

• Mothers today average 14 weekly hours of direct childcare compared to 10 hours in 1965.
• Fathers contribute more childcare time but still fall short, averaging 8 hours weekly.
• Women handle unseen tasks like scheduling medical appointments or remembering children’s special events.

5. Sandwiched Between Generations: Caring for Both Kids and Parents

Gen X women frequently find themselves sandwiched between parenting young children and caring for aging parents. As these women often have children later in life, their caregiving responsibilities overlap with the medical and emotional needs of older parents.

This burden is exacerbated by a lack of support systems. Women report having fewer siblings to share caregiving and weakening community ties due to less involvement in religious or social networks. Adding to the struggle is the minimal family leave offered by U.S. labor laws, which forces women to choose between job security and caregiving.

For many, middle age becomes a constant juggling act of competing responsibilities, leaving little room for self-care or reflection.

Examples

• Working women face unpaid parental leave, with only 60% of American workers covered by federal family leave laws.
• Care for divorced or widowed senior parents typically falls to daughters, not sons.
• Fewer local support networks place more caregiving burdens on close family members.

6. Delayed Parenthood Poses Unexpected Challenges

Many Gen X women postpone marriage and children to focus on education or career, only to face challenges later when ready to start a family. Yet extended education and later-life parenting intersect with declining fertility rates, bringing additional heartbreak.

Modern dating poses challenges, too, especially with apps like Tinder encouraging fleeting connections over lasting commitments. For women who hope for biological children, this timing mismatch can increase stress and limit options.

Even promising technologies like IVF or egg freezing often fail, leaving some women to confront the reality of remaining childfree while grieving that loss of choice.

Examples

• Fertility reduces dramatically by a woman’s mid-30s, despite egg-freezing advances.
• IVF success rates remain low, with 22% success in 2016.
• In New York City, there are 400,000 more women than men, creating an imbalanced dating pool.

7. Perimenopause Brings Overlooked Physical and Mental Challenges

Many Gen X women face dramatic hormonal changes during perimenopause, starting years before menopause itself. Symptoms like anxiety, hot flashes, and sleeplessness often go dismissed or misdiagnosed.

Additionally, few doctors receive specific training related to menopause, leaving many women to navigate symptoms without proper medical advice. This lack of information compounds the stress women are already experiencing in other areas of their lives.

Managing perimenopause and hormonal upheaval requires better awareness and advocacy for women struggling to keep going amid mounting physical and emotional strains.

Examples

• Surveys show only one in five OB-GYN residents are trained in menopause care.
• African-American women begin perimenopause up to three years earlier than average.
• Many doctors fail to suggest hormone therapy that could ease severe symptoms.

8. Social Media Fuels Unrealistic Comparisons

Social media has intensified the pressure of perfection, causing women to compare their real lives to curated, idealized versions of others’ lives on platforms like Instagram. This constant exposure can deepen feelings of failure and unworthiness.

Breaking through this illusion requires opening honest discussions about the challenges women face, helping to shift the narrative. Sharing authentic struggles fosters solidarity and alleviates the isolation many feel.

Ultimately, honest storytelling can create a path toward support networks that meet women where they are during midlife hardship.

Examples

• Social platforms promote airbrushed lifestyles that obscure reality.
• Women in their 40s report comparisons as a source of self-criticism.
• Online communities, when used positively, foster solidarity through shared experiences.

9. Acceptance Offers a Path Through Midlife

Coming to terms with the limitations of life’s promises can be freeing. Recognizing that the expectations imposed by culture, media, and upbringing are unattainable helps relieve unnecessary pressure.

Acknowledging the passing nature of hardships is vital, as midlife crises often give way to new, fulfilling chapters in life. Women report finding peace and joy in later years once the hormonal, professional, and familial storms have settled.

Seeking support from friends, professionals, or family during this period can make all the difference, providing relief and perspective for this chapter of life.

Examples

• Middle-aged women often find clarity following menopause.
• Therapists report improvement once societal pressures are reframed realistically.
• Older women reflect on finding deeper fulfillment and freedom as caretaking lessens.

Takeaways

1. Start an emotional labor audit at home to delegate responsibilities intentionally.
2. Dedicate time weekly to connect with supportive peers experiencing similar challenges.
3. Explore therapy, hormone replacement treatments, or spiritual guidance to navigate both physical and emotional changes with confidence.