Introduction
In "Why We Can't Sleep," author Ada Calhoun delves into the untold story of women's midlife crises, particularly focusing on the experiences of Generation X women born between 1965 and 1980. While the concept of a male midlife crisis is well-known and often portrayed in popular culture, women's struggles during this phase of life have largely gone unnoticed or misunderstood.
Calhoun explores how Gen X women were raised with the promise that they could "have it all" – successful careers, thriving families, and fulfilling social lives. However, as these women reach middle age, they find themselves grappling with anxiety, frustration, and sleepless nights, struggling to meet the high expectations set for them.
This book sheds light on the unique challenges faced by Gen X women, including economic instability, workplace discrimination, and the pressures of caregiving. It offers a compassionate and insightful look into the lives of women who are silently battling their own midlife crises, often without the dramatic outward signs associated with their male counterparts.
The Promise of "Having It All"
Calhoun begins by examining the cultural context in which Gen X women grew up. The 1980s Enjoli perfume ad serves as a perfect encapsulation of the era's expectations. The commercial featured a woman effortlessly transitioning from a successful businesswoman to a devoted homemaker and finally to a seductive partner – all while maintaining boundless energy and enthusiasm.
This ad reflected the promise of second-wave feminism: women could now aspire to be anything they wanted. No longer confined to traditional roles, they could become doctors instead of nurses, CEOs instead of secretaries. The passage of Title IX in 1972 further reinforced this idea by prohibiting discrimination against girls in federally-funded educational programs.
While these new possibilities were exciting, they also came with immense pressure. The message that girls could do anything gradually morphed into an imperative that they must do everything. The freedom to pursue any dream became a burden to achieve it all.
However, the reality for Gen X women has been far more complex than the idealized vision they were sold. Structural barriers and economic instability have made it challenging for many to achieve their ambitions. Growing up through successive recessions has left many saddled with enormous debt, while gender roles in the home have not evolved to match women's increased presence in the workplace.
The disconnect between the promise of endless possibilities and the harsh realities of adult life has created a culture of shame among Gen X women. Many have internalized the narrative that their lives should be full of boundless opportunities and blame themselves when they fall short of these unrealistic expectations.
Workplace Challenges: Gender and Age Discrimination
Despite the gains made by previous generations of feminists, Gen X women continue to face significant gender discrimination in the workplace. The idea that women can succeed simply by "leaning in," as suggested by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, has proven to be overly simplistic and often ineffective.
The statistics paint a stark picture of the challenges women face in their careers. By mid-career, men are 70% more likely than women to hold senior executive positions. This gap widens even further in late career, with men being 142% more likely to reach these top roles.
Even when women do achieve similar job titles, they often earn significantly less than their male counterparts. While the overall gender pay gap shows some signs of narrowing, with women earning 82 cents to every male dollar in 2017, the situation is much worse for middle-aged women. By age 40, women earn only 73 cents to the male dollar. When considering a 15-year career span and accounting for periods where women may need to take time off work, their earnings drop to a mere 49 cents on the dollar compared to men.
Gen X women face a double whammy of discrimination based on both gender and age. As they reach middle age, they find themselves competing with younger Millennials who are often perceived as more tech-savvy and adaptable. Some companies even use targeted advertising to exclude older workers from job opportunities, as revealed by a New York Times investigation into Facebook's job ad distribution practices.
These challenges in the traditional job market have led many Gen X women to turn to freelancing or self-employment. While often presented as an empowering choice that allows women to "get paid doing what they love," the reality of freelance work comes with its own set of stressors. These include inconsistent income, erratic work hours, and the additional burden of managing all aspects of a business.
The persistent discrimination in the workplace has made it exceedingly difficult for Gen X women to advance in their careers, despite their qualifications, perseverance, and willingness to "lean in." This situation is further compounded by the economic instability that has characterized much of their adult lives.
The Burden of Debt
The economic landscape for Gen X women is vastly different from that of their parents' generation. The Baby Boomers enjoyed a period of unprecedented financial prosperity and stability, where a middle-class family could comfortably live on a single income, own a home, and expect lifelong employment with a single company.
In contrast, Gen X has faced a series of economic challenges that have left them significantly poorer than their parents, with little hope of catching up. The 1987 stock market crash and subsequent recession hit just as older Gen Xers were entering the job market. In 1993, hourly wages hit a new low, meaning that many started their careers at an economic disadvantage.
As Gen X women were trying to establish themselves in their careers, they were hit by another setback with the burst of the dotcom bubble in 2001. This led to another stock market crash and recession, resulting in the loss of 2.7 million jobs between 2001 and 2002 alone.
In the early 2000s, many Gen X women saw an opportunity to achieve the American dream of homeownership, as mortgages became easily accessible. However, this dream turned into a nightmare with the subprime mortgage crisis and housing bubble collapse in 2007. Many found the homes they had just purchased losing up to 30% of their value almost overnight.
The cumulative effect of these economic upheavals is evident in the staggering amount of debt carried by Gen X – 82 percent more than Boomers and $37,000 more than the national average. This debt isn't solely due to economic recessions; it also includes crippling student loans from the ever-increasing cost of higher education and healthcare-related debt resulting from inadequate health insurance coverage.
The debt burden has a particularly gendered dimension. Not only do men typically have access to better-paying jobs, but women are often saddled with the majority of costs related to childcare, divorce settlements, and caring for aging parents.
The weight of this enormous debt has forced many Gen X women to put their career aspirations on hold or abandon creative pursuits in favor of any job that can help pay the bills. This financial instability has become a significant source of stress and anxiety for many women, contributing to their sense of falling short of the "having it all" ideal they were promised.
The Intensification of Motherhood
The expectations surrounding parenting have undergone a dramatic shift in just one generation. Calhoun reflects on her own childhood, remembering long afternoons spent watching TV unsupervised or roaming the streets freely with friends. Her parents provided the basics – food, clothing, and shelter – but were not expected to be constantly engaged in their children's lives.
Today, the landscape of parenting, particularly motherhood, has become far more demanding and complex. Middle-class parents are now expected to actively stimulate their children's imaginations, engage in creative play, prepare nutritious home-cooked meals, and provide undivided attention. The pressure to raise successful, well-rounded children has intensified significantly.
The education system has become increasingly competitive, requiring parents to actively supervise homework and help prepare their children for university applications. Concerns about safety have led to a decline in unsupervised play, with children instead being shuttled between organized sports and cultural activities.
These changes have resulted in a substantial increase in the time devoted to childcare, with mothers bearing the brunt of this additional labor. A Pew Research Center study reveals that mothers now spend an average of 25 hours per week on paid work, compared to just 9 hours in 1965. Despite this increase in work hours, they also devote 14 hours weekly to childcare, up from 10 hours in the previous generation.
While fathers have increased their involvement in childcare, doing an average of 8 hours per week (three times more than their 1965 counterparts), this still falls far short of the time invested by mothers.
Beyond the quantifiable hours spent on childcare, women are also burdened with an enormous amount of invisible labor. This includes tasks such as remembering to buy birthday cards for relatives, purchasing end-of-term gifts for teachers, scheduling doctor's appointments, responding to school emails, and keeping track of household needs like new socks. This mental load of managing the household adds another layer of responsibility to women's already full plates.
The intensification of motherhood, coupled with increased work responsibilities, has created a pressure cooker situation for many Gen X women. They find themselves stretched thin trying to meet the heightened expectations of both their professional and parental roles, often at the cost of their own well-being and personal aspirations.
The Sandwich Generation: Caring for Children and Parents
Gen X women often find themselves in a unique and challenging position, simultaneously caring for young children and aging parents. This phenomenon, known as the "sandwich generation," adds another layer of stress and responsibility to their already demanding lives.
Many Gen X women have chosen to have children later in life, often in their 30s or even 40s. As a result, they may still be dealing with the intense demands of raising young children just as their parents begin to require more support and care. This situation is further complicated by the fact that their parents are often divorced, meaning they may need to provide care for two separate households.
The burden of caregiving falls disproportionately on women, both for children and elderly parents. This dual responsibility can be overwhelming, especially when combined with the pressures of maintaining a career and managing a household.
The challenge is exacerbated by the fact that support networks have dwindled over time. In previous generations, it was more common for neighbors and childless friends to help with childcare. However, this informal support system has become less prevalent. Additionally, as the Boomer generation had fewer children, many Gen Xers have fewer siblings to share the load of caring for aging parents.
Religious communities once provided a significant source of support during difficult times. However, as the Gen X generation has become less religious overall, many have lost access to the resources and support these communities traditionally offered.
In the United States, government support for caregivers is minimal. While there is a law allowing employees to take up to twelve weeks off work for maternity leave or other family concerns, these weeks are unpaid. Moreover, this law only covers 60% of American workers, leaving many vulnerable to job loss if they need to take time off for family or health reasons.
The combination of these caregiving demands and the lack of societal support creates an enormous amount of stress for Gen X women. They often find themselves stretched to the breaking point, trying to balance the needs of their children, their parents, their careers, and their own well-being.
This "sandwich" position can lead to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and burnout. Many women feel they are not doing enough for either their children or their parents, while also struggling to maintain their professional lives. The emotional and physical toll of this constant juggling act contributes significantly to the midlife crisis many Gen X women experience.
The Challenges of Finding a Partner and Having Children
The pressure to find the perfect partner and start a family adds another layer of complexity to the lives of Gen X women. While some women have made the conscious choice to remain childfree, focusing instead on their careers, relationships, travel, and other pursuits, others find themselves involuntarily childless due to various circumstances.
Finding a suitable partner can be surprisingly challenging in the modern dating landscape. The romantic comedies that many Gen X women grew up watching painted a picture of love being just around the corner, but the reality is often far more complicated. In some urban areas, the demographics are skewed against heterosexual women. For example, in New York City, there are 400,000 more women than men, creating a significant imbalance in the dating pool.
The advent of dating apps like Tinder, which were supposed to make finding a partner easier, have in some ways complicated the process. These technologies have facilitated a culture of constant swiping and searching for something better, making it harder for people to commit to relationships.
For those who do find a partner or decide to pursue single parenthood, the challenge of having children can be daunting. Gen X women are trying to have children later than any previous generation, which can lead to fertility issues. While assisted reproductive technologies like IVF (pioneered in 1978) and egg freezing (which led to the first successful birth in 1999) have extended fertility for some women, they are not guaranteed solutions. In 2016, only 22% of IVF procedures were successful.
The pressure to navigate the dating world and make decisions about when to start trying for a baby can be incredibly stressful for Gen X women. On paper, they have more choices than ever before. However, in practice, they often face significant obstacles, whether it's struggling to find a suitable co-parent or discovering that they're unable to conceive.
This situation creates a unique kind of anxiety for many Gen X women. They may feel that time is running out to achieve the family life they desire, adding to the sense of crisis as they approach middle age. The disconnect between the expectation of having it all – career, partner, and children – and the reality of the challenges involved can be a significant source of distress and disappointment.
The Impact of Hormonal Changes
The physiological changes that women experience in middle age, particularly those related to perimenopause and menopause, add another layer of complexity to the Gen X woman's experience. However, these changes are often poorly understood and inadequately addressed by the medical community.
Historically, women's hormones have been used as a justification for discrimination. As recently as 1970, a member of the Democratic Party's Committee on National Priorities argued against gender equality, claiming that women's hormones made them unfit for high-ranking positions. In response to such blatant sexism, feminists fighting for equality often downplayed the impact of hormones on women's lives.
While this strategy was necessary to combat discrimination, it has had the unintended consequence of minimizing the very real physiological changes that women experience. Just as teenagers go through significant hormonal shifts during puberty, women in middle age experience a similarly profound hormonal upheaval during perimenopause.
Perimenopause, the transition phase leading up to menopause, can begin as early as the early 40s for many women. During this time, women may experience a range of symptoms including debilitating hot flashes, sleeplessness, painful sex, low libido, breast pain, and decreased appetite. They may also experience mood swings, anxiety, and intense feelings of rage.
Despite the significant impact these changes can have on a woman's life, there is a striking lack of awareness and medical support. A shocking 42% of women have never discussed menopause with their healthcare providers. Even more concerning, a 2013 survey at Johns Hopkins revealed that only one in five obstetrics and gynecology residents receive formal training about menopause.
This lack of medical support and understanding leaves many women feeling confused, isolated, and unsure of how to manage their symptoms. Effective treatments, such as hormone replacement therapy, exist but are often not discussed or offered.
For Gen X women, who are already under enormous stress from career pressures, caregiving responsibilities, and financial concerns, these physiological changes can feel like the final straw. The lack of support and understanding from the medical community only exacerbates their sense of isolation and frustration.
The impact of these hormonal changes goes beyond physical symptoms. They can affect a woman's emotional well-being, cognitive function, and overall quality of life. Without proper support and understanding, many women struggle to navigate this transition, adding to their sense of crisis in middle age.
Recognizing and addressing the impact of these hormonal changes is crucial for supporting Gen X women through their midlife transitions. Better education for both women and healthcare providers, more open discussions about menopause, and improved access to effective treatments could significantly improve the experiences of women during this phase of life.
Coping with Midlife Crisis: Getting Real and Seeking Support
As Gen X women navigate the challenges of midlife, it's crucial to find ways to cope with the stress and anxiety that often accompany this phase of life. Calhoun offers several strategies for coming to terms with the midlife crisis and finding a path forward.
One of the first steps is to acknowledge the reality of the situation. In an age of carefully curated social media profiles, it's easy to assume that everyone else is living more fulfilling, financially stable, or exciting lives. However, the truth is that the vast majority of middle-aged women are under enormous stress. Recognizing this shared experience can help break the isolation that many women feel during their midlife crisis.
It's also important to reassess the expectations that many Gen X women grew up with. The idea that women could "have it all" – a successful career, a perfect family life, and personal fulfillment – has proven to be largely unrealistic. There are substantial impediments to achieving all of these goals simultaneously, many of which are outside of an individual's control.
Acknowledging these limitations isn't an admission of defeat. On the contrary, it can be empowering. It means recognizing that the achievements you have made have been won against significant odds. It also validates the stress and anxiety you may be feeling – these are appropriate responses to genuinely challenging circumstances.
Seeking support is another crucial step in coping with a midlife crisis. This support can come from various sources:
- Friends and like-minded women who are going through similar experiences
- A qualified therapist who can provide professional guidance
- A doctor who is knowledgeable about supporting perimenopausal women
- Practical support, such as a dog-walker, an accountant, or family members willing to help with childcare
For many Gen X women, asking for help can be challenging. They've been raised to be self-sufficient and may feel that needing support is a sign of weakness. However, recognizing the need for and accepting help is a crucial part of navigating this challenging life phase.
It's also important to remember that this crisis is a phase – it will pass. While it may feel overwhelming in the moment, middle age is not a permanent state. Children grow up, hormones eventually stabilize, and many women find that the post-menopausal years bring a new sense of freedom and fulfillment.
Calhoun encourages women to be patient with themselves and to remember that waiting it out is sometimes the best strategy. The intense pressures of this phase of life will eventually ease, and many women report feeling more content and self-assured in their later years.
Final Thoughts
"Why We Can't Sleep" offers a compassionate and insightful look into the unique challenges faced by Gen X women as they navigate middle age. By shining a light on the often-overlooked midlife crisis experienced by women, Calhoun validates the struggles of countless individuals who may have felt alone in their experiences.
The book serves as a wake-up call, highlighting the disconnect between the promises made to Gen X women in their youth and the realities they face in adulthood. It challenges the notion that women can "have it all" without acknowledging the structural barriers and societal pressures that make this ideal nearly impossible to achieve.
At the same time, the book offers hope and practical advice for women grappling with these issues. By encouraging women to adjust their expectations, seek support, and remember that this challenging phase will pass, Calhoun provides a roadmap for navigating the midlife crisis.
Ultimately, "Why We Can't Sleep" is a call for greater understanding and support for women in midlife. It advocates for better healthcare, more equitable workplaces, and a societal shift in how we view and value women's experiences across all stages of life.
For Gen X women reading this book, it offers validation and companionship in what can often feel like an isolating experience. For others, it provides valuable insights into the challenges faced by a generation of women who were promised the world but found themselves navigating a much more complex reality.
As we move forward, the insights provided in this book can serve as a foundation for creating more supportive environments for women in midlife and beyond. By acknowledging and addressing the unique challenges faced by Gen X women, we can work towards a future where the promise of "having it all" is replaced with a more realistic and compassionate understanding of women's lives and experiences.