Against Empathy

“Empathy is like a spotlight; it has a narrow beam and only illuminates what we choose to focus on, leaving much else in darkness.”

1. Empathy is an emotional response that shapes our understanding of others.

Empathy allows us to step into someone else's shoes, letting us feel their emotions and understand their situations as if they were our own. Emotional empathy, one type of empathy, prompts physical and emotional reactions to what others experience. For instance, seeing someone fall and hurt themselves might cause you to cringe or even feel a phantom pain where they’ve been injured.

However, empathy can also take on a less compassionate form. Cognitive empathy, another type, is about understanding someone’s emotional state without necessarily sharing it. This kind of empathy is often wielded by con artists or bullies, who exploit their capacity to read someone’s vulnerabilities, using it for manipulation rather than connection.

Whether it’s the shared grief felt after a school shooting or the sensation of a lump in your throat while watching someone else choke, empathy connects us on a visceral level. But its effects vary depending on whether we emotionally share in someone’s pain or coldly detach ourselves from it.

Examples

• Parents connecting deeply with the grief of other parents after events such as the Sandy Hook school shooting.
• Bullies understanding their victims’ fears and using them to exert power.
• John Updike describing a physical tightness in his throat when observing his grandmother in distress.

2. Empathy can be cultivated through experience and targeted teaching.

Empathy doesn’t simply show up out of nowhere—it can be nurtured and built over time through personal experiences or conscious efforts. For instance, parents of children with special needs often develop deeper empathy through their daily connections and challenges, expanding their understanding and sensitivity toward others in similar situations.

In broader contexts, empathy often finds itself as the suggested solution to societal discord. During controversies around police violence in the US in 2014, both sides called for empathy—police toward the communities they served, and community members toward the stresses of policing. However, this kind of empathy requires effort to balance, ensuring fairness rather than bias.

For children especially, early encouragement plays a significant role. By challenging kids to think critically about others’ feelings and motives—for example, asking them how they’d feel if treated unfairly—parents can seed empathy that grows into maturity.

Examples

• Parents developing compassion after raising a child with special needs.
• Calls for mutual empathy between protesters and police during times of unrest.
• Teachers or parents using questions like, “How would you feel if?” to teach emotional perspective.

3. Mirror neurons amplify our ability to share experiences with others.

When you see someone in pain or joy, your brain activates similar neural pathways as if you were experiencing the event yourself. This phenomenon, attributed to “mirror neurons,” gives a neurological basis for empathy. Observing or even reading about someone else's suffering can trigger brain activity that mirrors their experience.

Research has shown this effect across species, not just in humans. In studies with monkeys, scientists found that the primates’ brains mirrored the actions of researchers holding objects, suggesting this trait evolved to facilitate social learning. Similarly, humans feel this empathetic mirroring when witnessing pain or distress, whether it be seeing someone grimace from a shocking injury or sharing in another’s disgust.

Examples of this effect abound in daily life—from cringing at another’s physical mishap to joining in laughter during a joke. Mirror neurons forge a mental bridge between observer and observed, fostering shared emotional reactions.

Examples

• Macaque monkeys’ brains mirroring actions they observe.
• Observers reacting neurologically to written descriptions of pain in a neural study.
• Experiencing secondary disgust by watching reactions to shocking videos.

4. Empathy isn’t the only motivator of kindness or morality.

Empathy often inspires acts of good—but it isn’t the sole driver behind our moral choices. Sometimes, logic, spirituality, or a desire to uphold ethical principles are far stronger motivators. For example, rescuing a drowning stranger may stem from a sense of duty rather than imagining their family’s heartbreak.

Some individuals rely on logical calculus to make impactful decisions. Zell Kravinsky, a philanthropist, has donated millions and even a kidney based on rational evaluations of risk versus reward, not just an emotional tug. Spirituality and religious teachings also guide people to act altruistically, often without a direct emotional connection to those they help.

Though empathy plays a role, it shouldn't overshadow the broader reasons humans choose kindness. In fact, relying solely on it can result in emotionally driven but irrational decisions.

Examples

• Choosing to save a drowning child because it feels like ‘the right thing to do.’
• Zell Kravinsky’s calculated decision to donate a kidney, driven by cost-benefit reasoning.
• A man forgiving his wrongful conviction on the basis of his Christian beliefs.

5. Empathy has inherent biases that skew our judgment.

Empathy tends to be more intense for those who are similar to us, whether by nationality, race, or personal connection. Public tragedies like mass shootings often evoke more emotional engagement when the victims seem relatable, such as children in Sandy Hook. Conversely, distant or foreign crises—even those affecting far more people—tend to elicit less empathy.

While empathy opens us up emotionally, it also narrows our focus. It prioritizes the suffering of individuals we connect with, often at the cost of larger causes or communities. For instance, some anti-vaccine sentiments arise because people empathize deeply with a single victim of a vaccination mishap while ignoring the countless lives vaccines save.

This selectivity means empathy sometimes pushes us toward irrational, shortsighted decisions. It’s vital to consider how biases might shape our emotional responses.

Examples

• Greater public donations for Sandy Hook victims than international victims of war.
• Overwhelming empathy for individual vaccine injury cases versus vaccine life-savers.
• Emotional responses favoring friends or neighbors over distant strangers.

6. Personal beliefs and perceptions shape empathy levels.

While empathy appears to be universal, it can shrink or disappear based on personal beliefs. For instance, people often feel less empathy for individuals they perceive as being responsible for their misfortunes, such as drug users suffering from addiction-related illnesses.

In studies on empathy, reactions can depend on whether someone is deemed an insider or outsider. A soccer fan will empathize more with someone from their own team, even in minor scenarios like receiving an electric shock, while being less compassionate toward others from rival teams.

Disparity in empathy can extend to feelings like disgust, which shut down our capacity to connect. Dehumanizing others, whether due to their behavior or circumstances, makes it easier to ignore their suffering.

Examples

• Reduced empathy toward AIDS patients who contracted the disease via drug use in Jean Decety’s study.
• Soccer fans empathizing with teammates over rivals in pain-response research.
• Bias against homeless individuals, driven by feelings of disgust.

7. Empathy focuses on short-term solutions but overlooks long-term consequences.

Empathy pushes us to address immediate suffering without always thinking ahead. Charitable organizations often cater to donors’ emotional responses, focusing on temporary fixes like feeding programs rather than long-term systemic solutions that could eliminate poverty or starvation.

Sometimes empathy even enables harm. For example, in Cambodia, orphanages exploit emotions to attract donations, separating children from families and exposing them to abuse while claiming to help.

Projects like Make-A-Wish Foundation spend resources creating one-off “magical” experiences when those same funds might save multiple lives if used more strategically. Emotionally satisfying acts aren’t always the most effective way to create meaningful change.

Examples

• Foreign aid targeting short-term poverty goals but hindering self-sufficient reforms.
• Cambodian orphanages exploiting donors’ emotional appeals.
• Make-A-Wish's $7,500 spent on a single child’s fantasy versus life-saving alternatives.

Takeaways

1. Evaluate emotions versus reasons in decision-making to avoid acting on biased empathy.
2. Encourage balanced empathy by considering both sides of a conflict or issue.
3. Choose philanthropic efforts that sustain long-term progress rather than quick fixes.