Good Inside Summary

What if, instead of focusing on fixing behaviors, we shifted to building connections and seeing the good inside our children—even in their toughest moments?

1. All Behavior Stems from Being Good Inside

Your child is good inside, no matter their actions. This core belief changes the way we approach parenting. When kids act out, they aren’t being “bad”—they’re struggling to express themselves or to fulfill unmet needs. Shifting your perspective away from punishment allows parenting to be more compassionate.

For example, when a child throws a tantrum or lashes out, it’s often driven by inner frustration, not defiance. Instead of labeling them as naughty or rude, focus on understanding what’s at the root of their behavior. This mindset improves the parent-child bond.

When parents accept that two things can be true simultaneously—such as a child wanting ice cream for breakfast while knowing it’s not allowed—they resolve conflict effectively. Honoring feelings while holding boundaries is not mutually exclusive; it builds trust and ensures rules are respected.

Examples

• A child saying “I hate you” doesn’t erase the love they have—it reflects their struggle to manage overwhelming feelings.
• Hitting a sibling may signal frustration from being ignored or misunderstood, not intentional meanness.
• Wanting something they can’t have teaches lessons around delayed gratification and emotional handling.

2. It’s Never Too Late to Parent Differently

Worrying you’ve missed your chance to be a better parent? Relax—it’s never too late to rewrite the way you connect, teach, and support your kids. Kids thrive when parents aim to repair past mistakes and improve moving forward.

Human brains have neuroplasticity, which means even older children (and parents) can rewire their habits and grow emotionally. When conflicts arise, use repair: acknowledge what went wrong, apologize authentically, and discuss how you’ll handle things differently in the future.

Building new relationships after emotional missteps shows kids that forgiveness and growth are real. It’s a powerful demonstration of the adaptability and love that defines strong families.

Examples

• Explaining past overreactions like yelling can help your child make sense of their feelings during those times.
• Apologizing to your teen for unfair dismissals rebuilds trust and demonstrates model behavior.
• Sharing stories of changed behaviors (yours or theirs) validates the belief that personal growth always remains an option.

3. Resilience Matters More Than Happiness

While happiness is an important emotional state, parents should prioritize resilience. Teaching children how to sit with sadness, fear, or frustration fosters strength, independence, and emotional agility for life.

When happiness becomes the only goal or measure of success, negative emotions feel like failures—not just for the child but for their parents, too. However, if kids are reassured that feeling sad or frustrated is okay, they understand how to navigate hard moments instead of avoiding them.

Parents model resilience by being present and empathetic when emotions run high. Instead of immediately solving problems, guide children toward their own solutions. This turns challenges into manageable learning experiences.

Examples

• When a toy breaks, a parent can sit with the child’s loss without rushing to replace it, reinforcing emotional processing.
• Letting children cope with losing a game instead of distracting them builds confidence in taking emotional hits.
• Encouraging a child to try again when they fail a school assignment reinforces perseverance.

4. Start With Yourself

How you see, treat, and respect yourself directly impacts how you parent. Shame carries over into parenting, whether it emerges as unrealistic expectations for your children or self-criticism for mistakes you fear making.

When parents face—and heal—their own emotional baggage, they better empathize with their kids’ struggles. Shame often leads children into “frozen” states, stuck in the need to make “right” choices for fear of losing a parent’s love. Instead, creating secure spaces for children to voice feelings helps keep connection intact.

Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s foundational to parenting well. Meeting your needs enables you not just to hold your family together but to stay emotionally available for them, too.

Examples

• Recognizing your exhaustion reduces lashing out unfairly at kids during tough days.
• Modeling self-compassion after making a mistake teaches children to forgive themselves.
• Emphasizing honesty over perfection reduces shame’s hold on children.

5. Strengthen Relationships Through Small Connections

Connection is the glue that holds families together. Regularly building bonds—even in small, everyday ways—enhances trust, communication, and emotional understanding.

One-on-one time without distractions like cell phones tells your child they’re important. This doesn’t require grand gestures. Consistency matters more than complexity.

Acknowledging emotions preemptively—what Dr. Kennedy calls emotional vaccination—is another way to connect. Discuss upcoming events, questions, and fears so your child feels prepared and supported instead of overwhelmed.

Examples

• Putting your phone away while having lunch tells your child they have your undivided attention.
• Talking through the first-day-of-school jitters provides reassurance during uncertain transitions.
• Sitting with your child after a meltdown helps reinforce safety when emotions feel big.

6. Embrace Conflict as a Chance for Repair

Conflict or misbehavior doesn’t damage relationships. Avoiding repair does. Instead of fearing disagreement, focus on the moments after a blowup to repair and strengthen your relationship.

The four-step process for repairing includes reflecting on the event, acknowledging harm done, offering a better solution, and reconnecting with curiosity. This models resilience while emphasizing love and accountability without shame.

Mastering repair teaches kids to resolve conflicts maturely and gives them lifelong tools for building strong, healthy relationships.

Examples

• Apologizing after yelling over spilled milk shows both accountability and how to clean up emotionally.
• Making peace after siblings fight demonstrates resolution skills without assigning blame.
• Discussing possible solutions with your child emphasizes partnership instead of hierarchy.

7. Look Deeper Into “Bad” Behaviors

Lying, tantrums, or aggression aren’t random explosions. These behaviors reflect stress, fear, or unmet emotional needs—and offer insight into what’s going on internally.

Instead of punishing actions, first establish safety. Then connect with your child to ask why they’re struggling. Often, defiance comes from powerlessness; tears overflow from frustration; rudeness stems from anxiety. Understanding these roots helps guide better responses.

When boundaries are clear and reinforced with love, children feel safe to stop behaviors out of trust, not fear.

Examples

• A power struggle over bedtime could signal a child’s fear of losing control during the day.
• Perceived “rudeness” may actually reveal frustration over missed attention.
• Going back and asking why a tantrum exploded uncovers the deeper triggers.

8. Normal Challenges Look Like Bad Behavior

Not all parental concerns are problems—some are merely part of growing up. Challenges like food refusal, perfectionism, or shyness are signs of kids testing boundaries and control.

These moments aren’t battles to win. For example, shy children aren’t “wrong”; they’re assessing situations. Parents should sit patiently instead of pressuring participation.

Accepting that struggles are normal and offering gentle encouragement fosters growth without creating unnecessary conflict.

Examples

• A picky eater rejecting vegetables could simply be asserting autonomy, not being rebellious.
• A child crying over a lost game is learning frustration, not being overdramatic.
• A hesitant child scouting a group is developing observation, not being anti-social.

9. Trust Your Child’s Feelings to Build Their Confidence

Children learn confidence by trusting and navigating their emotions—not by adults solving everything for them. Supporting them in handling tough situations instead of removing obstacles builds true empowerment.

When parents pressure kids away from natural emotions, they teach insecurity about feelings. Instead, validate emotions like fear or excitement and provide space to process.

This validation fosters emotional agility and gives kids tools for lifelong self-respect.

Examples

• Comforting a child reluctant to enter preschool shows encouragement rather than forcing trust.
• Listening to your child’s frustration over chores validates their feelings, even while maintaining expectations.
• Sharing your own struggles as an adult helps normalize emotions.

Takeaways

1. Practice making your most generous interpretation of your child’s actions whenever they act out—try deeply understanding rather than jumping to conclusions.
2. Make small but regular moments of one-on-one, distraction-free time with each of your kids to build trust and connection.
3. Focus on repairing conflicts with your child instead of avoiding them; build stronger relationships by acknowledging mistakes and reconnecting.