In her thought-provoking book "Bad Therapy," Abigail Shrier challenges our understanding of mental health support and its impact on young people. She argues that the well-intentioned efforts to help children and teenagers navigate life's challenges may be inadvertently causing more harm than good. Shrier's work invites readers to reconsider the current approach to mental health and parenting, suggesting that we might be fostering a generation ill-equipped to face the realities of adulthood.
Introduction: The Therapy Culture Dilemma
Imagine a world where every emotional hurdle is treated as a crisis, where normal adolescent struggles are viewed through the lens of potential trauma, and where parents and educators prioritize emotional comfort above all else. This is the world Abigail Shrier describes in "Bad Therapy," a world where the rise of therapy culture may be contributing to a decline in resilience among younger generations.
Shrier's book introduces the concept of iatrogenesis – the idea that medical or psychological treatment can sometimes cause unintended harm – and applies it to the broader culture of therapy and parenting. She poses a challenging question: Could our attempts to support young people's mental health be backfiring?
The Unintended Consequences of Well-Meaning Interventions
First, Do No Harm
The concept of iatrogenesis has a long history in medicine, originally used to describe the harm that can result from well-intentioned treatments. Shrier extends this idea to the field of therapy, particularly when it comes to treating young people.
Consider a high school student experiencing a panic attack before an important exam. Their concerned parents send them to a therapist, who suggests the student's anxiety might be a sign of a more serious disorder. As a result, the student becomes hypervigilant about their symptoms, interpreting every nervous flutter as a potential panic attack.
Or imagine a homesick college freshman confiding in a counselor. The counselor, eager to validate the student's feelings, emphasizes the importance of self-care and setting boundaries. Consequently, the student begins to withdraw from social activities and academic challenges, believing they must prioritize their emotional well-being above all else.
Shrier argues that while therapy can be a vital resource, many therapeutic approaches may unintentionally foster a sense of fragility and helplessness. By overemphasizing the role of mental health and encouraging young people to view normal challenges as signs of psychological distress, some therapists may be contributing to the very problems they seek to alleviate.
This therapy culture can have far-reaching consequences for young people's development and well-being. By pathologizing childhood struggles like social awkwardness or academic difficulties, therapists may inadvertently undermine young people's confidence and resilience. Instead of learning to navigate life's challenges with grit and adaptability, young people may come to see themselves as psychologically fragile and in need of constant support.
Moreover, the emphasis on emotional safety and risk-avoidance in some therapeutic approaches may discourage young people from taking healthy risks, like trying new things or stepping outside their comfort zones. By prioritizing emotional comfort, therapists may be unintentionally limiting young people's opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
The Rise of Trauma Culture
The impact of therapy culture extends beyond individual therapy sessions and into schools and broader communities. Shrier points out that the emphasis on trauma in society is having unintended consequences for young people's well-being and resilience.
Picture a middle school classroom where teachers are encouraged to use trauma-informed practices. They are trained to view students' misbehavior or academic struggles through the lens of potential trauma, rather than as opportunities for growth and learning. Students quickly learn to adopt the language of therapy, labeling their everyday experiences as triggering or toxic.
Or consider a high school that implements restorative justice practices, emphasizing the importance of emotional processing over consequences for misbehavior. Students who have been bullied are encouraged to share their feelings with their tormentors, while those who have acted out are given a platform to justify their actions based on their own emotional struggles.
Shrier suggests that while these practices may be well-intentioned, they can have the unintended effect of reinforcing a culture of victimhood and helplessness. By emphasizing the role of trauma and the need for emotional safety, we may be teaching young people to see themselves as fragile and in need of protection, rather than as capable of overcoming challenges and learning from their mistakes.
The author argues that the emphasis on trauma in the broader culture, from trigger warnings on college campuses to the proliferation of trauma-informed workshops in the workplace, may be contributing to a sense of learned helplessness. By constantly focusing on the ways in which we have been hurt or oppressed, we may be losing sight of our own agency and resilience.
By prioritizing young people's emotional comfort over their resilience and agency, therapy culture may be contributing to a sense of helplessness in the face of real-world challenges. Rather than empowering young people to take action and make a difference, this approach may be reinforcing the idea that they are powerless victims of forces beyond their control.
The Dark Side of Empathy Culture
Shrier argues that in prioritizing individual feelings and emotional safety, we may be fostering a culture of narcissism and hypersensitivity that makes it difficult for young people to navigate complex social situations and build meaningful relationships.
Consider the example of a prestigious private school in California, where social-emotional learning is emphasized. From a young age, students are taught that their feelings are the ultimate arbiter of truth and that they should never have to endure discomfort or disagreement.
In this environment, even minor slights or misunderstandings can quickly escalate into full-blown conflicts. Imagine a scenario where a student named Emily posts a comment on social media expressing her frustration with a group project. She doesn't name names, but her classmate Sarah feels targeted. Sarah screenshots the post and shares it with her friends, adding her own commentary about how hurtful and insensitive Emily's words were.
The post quickly goes viral within the school community, with students taking sides and leaving harsh comments. Emily, who had no intention of singling out Sarah or causing harm, finds herself at the center of a social media firestorm.
As the conflict escalates, teachers and administrators are drawn into the fray. They face pressure from students and parents to take action, even though the situation is complex and there is no clear evidence of wrongdoing. Afraid of being seen as unsupportive or dismissive of students' feelings, they feel compelled to intervene, perhaps by reprimanding Emily or forcing the two girls to participate in a mediation session.
Other students watch the drama unfold on social media, taking notes and learning the unspoken rules of this new social landscape. They see how quickly a single post can spiral out of control, and how easily they could find themselves in the same position as Emily or Sarah. They learn to carefully curate their online presence, always mindful of how their words and actions might be perceived by others.
The author argues that this culture of hypersensitivity and emotional tyranny is not only exhausting and stressful for young people, but also deeply damaging to their ability to build empathy and engage in meaningful dialogue. When every interaction is fraught with the potential for offense and accusation, it becomes difficult to have honest conversations, express dissenting opinions, or learn from each other's experiences.
The Shift in Parenting Styles
Gentle Parenting and Its Consequences
Shrier's critique extends beyond the realm of therapy and education, delving into the changing landscape of parenting. She argues that there has been a shift away from traditional, authoritative parenting styles that is contributing to a generation of young people who are ill-equipped to handle the challenges of life. By prioritizing emotional sensitivity and avoiding discipline, parents may be doing their children a disservice and setting them up for failure in the long run.
Consider the case of Liam, a young boy whose parents have fully embraced the principles of gentle parenting. From a young age, Liam is never told no or given firm boundaries. Instead, his parents validate his feelings and avoid any form of punishment or consequences for misbehavior. When Liam throws a tantrum in the grocery store, his parents calmly explain to him why his behavior is inappropriate, but ultimately give in to his demands to avoid further conflict.
As Liam grows older, he struggles to cope with the demands of school and social life. He has difficulty regulating his emotions and lashes out at his peers when he feels frustrated or upset. His teachers, who are also steeped in the culture of emotional sensitivity, are hesitant to discipline him or hold him accountable for his actions. Instead, they make accommodations and excuse his behavior, chalking it up to his unique emotional needs.
Shrier argues that this approach to parenting is creating a generation of young people who are fragile and entitled. By shielding children from the natural consequences of their actions and constantly prioritizing their emotional comfort, parents are denying them the opportunity to build resilience and develop the skills they need to navigate the challenges of adult life.
The author suggests that this approach is particularly damaging to boys, who are already struggling to find their place in a rapidly changing world. By denying boys the opportunity to develop traditional masculine traits like toughness, independence, and self-reliance, gentle parenting may be contributing to a crisis of masculinity and leaving many young men feeling lost and adrift.
Raising Resilient Children
While Shrier is critical of the current trends in parenting and therapy, she also offers a vision for a more balanced approach to raising children. She argues that allowing children to take risks, experience adversity, and face the consequences of their actions can help them develop resilience, independence, and self-reliance.
Imagine a family with two children, Emma and Jack. Their parents have made a conscious decision to adopt a more hands-off approach to parenting. They set clear expectations for their children's behavior and establish consequences for breaking the rules, but they also give them plenty of freedom to explore the world around them and make their own choices.
When Emma wants to walk to school by herself for the first time, her parents resist the urge to hover or micromanage. They help her plan a safe route and discuss strategies for dealing with strangers or emergencies, but ultimately trust her to navigate the experience on her own. When Jack forgets his lunch at home, they resist the temptation to drop everything and bring it to him, instead allowing him to figure out a solution on his own.
As Emma and Jack grow older, their parents encourage them to take on new challenges and pursue their passions, even if it means risking failure or disappointment. When Emma tries out for the soccer team and doesn't make the cut, her parents console her but also encourage her to keep practicing and try again next year. When Jack struggles with a math concept, they resist the urge to swoop in and solve the problem for him, instead encouraging him to seek out additional resources and keep working at it.
This approach to parenting prioritizes consequences, discipline, and the development of grit and resilience. In a world that is increasingly focused on emotional comfort and the avoidance of adversity, Shrier suggests that children need opportunities to struggle, fail, and learn from their mistakes in order to build the skills and confidence they need to succeed.
Of course, this approach is not without its challenges. In a culture that often equates good parenting with constant involvement and the elimination of all risk and discomfort, it can be difficult for parents to step back and allow their children to navigate the world on their own terms. It requires a great deal of trust, patience, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty.
Shrier acknowledges that not all children have the same needs or require the same level of support and guidance. Some may need more structure and supervision, while others may thrive with greater freedom and autonomy. The key is to find a balance that works for each individual child and family's unique circumstances.
The Path Forward: Balancing Support and Resilience
Throughout "Bad Therapy," Abigail Shrier challenges readers to reconsider the prevailing wisdom about mental health, therapy, and parenting. While she acknowledges the importance of emotional support and validation, she argues that an overemphasis on these factors may be creating a generation of young people who are ill-equipped to face the challenges of adult life.
Instead, Shrier advocates for a more balanced approach that combines empathy and support with opportunities for growth, risk-taking, and resilience-building. She encourages parents, educators, and mental health professionals to:
Allow children to experience natural consequences: Rather than shielding children from every disappointment or failure, let them learn from their mistakes and develop problem-solving skills.
Encourage healthy risk-taking: Support children in stepping out of their comfort zones and trying new things, even if there's a chance of failure.
Teach emotional regulation: Help children develop strategies for managing their emotions without relying on constant external validation or support.
Foster independence: Gradually increase children's responsibilities and autonomy as they grow, allowing them to develop confidence in their own abilities.
Model resilience: Demonstrate how to face challenges and setbacks with grace and determination, showing children that difficulties are a normal part of life.
Maintain clear boundaries and expectations: While being supportive, ensure that children understand the rules and consequences of their actions.
Emphasize growth over comfort: Encourage children to view challenges as opportunities for learning and personal development, rather than as threats to be avoided.
Promote critical thinking: Teach children to question and analyze information, rather than accepting everything they hear or read at face value.
Cultivate empathy and perspective-taking: Help children understand and relate to others' experiences, fostering genuine connections rather than a culture of hypersensitivity.
Balance validation with reality: While acknowledging children's feelings, also help them develop a realistic understanding of the world and their place in it.
Conclusion: A Call for Reflection and Balance
"Bad Therapy" serves as a wake-up call for parents, educators, and mental health professionals. Abigail Shrier challenges us to examine the unintended consequences of our well-meaning efforts to support young people's mental health and emotional well-being. By applying the concept of iatrogenesis to the realm of mental health and parenting, she argues that our attempts to protect and nurture may be inadvertently fostering a sense of fragility and helplessness.
However, Shrier's work is not merely a critique of current practices. It's an invitation to strike a balance between providing love and support while also encouraging independence, grit, and the ability to learn from adversity. In our quest to help young people thrive, we must be mindful of the potential pitfalls of overprotection and strive to foster the mindsets and skills needed to navigate life's challenges with confidence and resilience.
As we move forward, it's crucial to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to mental health or parenting. Each child is unique, with their own strengths, challenges, and needs. The goal should be to create an environment that supports emotional well-being while also promoting growth, resilience, and the development of essential life skills.
"Bad Therapy" challenges us to reflect on our assumptions about mental health and child-rearing, and to consider whether our current approaches are truly serving the best interests of young people. By fostering a culture that values both emotional support and personal responsibility, we can help create a generation of young adults who are not only emotionally aware but also capable, resilient, and ready to face the challenges of an ever-changing world.
In the end, Shrier's work reminds us that the ultimate goal of parenting and mental health support should be to raise children who are capable of navigating the complexities of adult life with confidence, empathy, and resilience. It's a delicate balance, but one that is crucial for the well-being and success of future generations.