Introduction
Irvin D. Yalom's memoir, "Becoming Myself," offers readers a rare glimpse into the life and mind of one of the most influential psychotherapists of our time. This deeply personal and introspective work takes us on a journey through Yalom's life, from his humble beginnings as the son of Russian immigrants to his rise as a renowned psychiatrist, author, and pioneer in the field of existential psychotherapy.
Throughout the book, Yalom weaves together his personal experiences, professional insights, and philosophical musings, creating a tapestry that is both enlightening and deeply moving. He explores universal themes such as family dynamics, personal growth, the search for meaning, and the inevitability of death, all while sharing intimate details of his own struggles and triumphs.
As we delve into Yalom's story, we are invited to reflect on our own lives, confront our existential concerns, and perhaps find inspiration to embark on our own journey of self-discovery and personal growth.
The Early Years: Family and Identity
A Complicated Childhood
Yalom's early life was marked by a complex relationship with his parents, particularly his mother. One pivotal moment that shaped their relationship occurred when Yalom was just 14 years old. His father, Benjamin, experienced severe chest pains in the middle of the night, and in the midst of the crisis, Yalom's mother lashed out at him, screaming, "You killed him! You killed him!"
This traumatic event left a lasting impact on Yalom, creating a rift between him and his mother that would never fully heal. For the next few years, he barely spoke to her, and it wasn't until he left for medical school at 22 that both of them felt a sense of relief.
Looking back on his relationship with his parents, Yalom is filled with a mix of emotions. He recognizes the vast differences between their lives and his own. His parents had arrived at Ellis Island from Russia with nothing, working tirelessly for 17 hours a day to provide for their family. In contrast, Yalom was born and raised in Washington, DC, and while his early years were far from luxurious, they were a significant improvement from his parents' beginnings.
The cultural and generational gap between Yalom and his parents created a divide that was never fully bridged, remaining one of his few lingering regrets. This experience would later influence his approach to parenting and his understanding of family dynamics in his therapeutic practice.
Finding Love and Support
Amidst the challenges of his family life, Yalom found solace and joy in his relationship with Marilyn, his high school sweetheart who would become his wife of over six decades. Meeting Marilyn at 15 was a transformative experience for Yalom, bringing color and vibrancy to his life.
Their relationship would prove to be a cornerstone of Yalom's personal and professional life. Both Yalom and Marilyn became teachers and prolific writers, supporting each other's endeavors throughout their lives. They raised four children together, creating a home environment that was markedly different from Yalom's childhood experience.
The Yalom household became a lively and welcoming space for their children and their friends. Family traditions, such as holiday gatherings and vacations, became an integral part of their lives. Later in life, Irvin and Marilyn even collaborated on various artistic and literary projects, further strengthening their bond.
Yalom's experiences with his own family and the family he created with Marilyn would greatly inform his understanding of human relationships and the importance of connection in his therapeutic work.
The Path to Becoming a Therapist
A Fateful Decision
The night of his father's chest pains not only impacted Yalom's family dynamics but also set him on the path to becoming a doctor. Witnessing the calming presence of their family physician, Dr. Manchester, during that crisis inspired the young Yalom. He was struck by how quickly Dr. Manchester was able to dissolve his panic and hurt, and in that moment, Yalom decided he wanted to become a similar source of comfort and expertise for others.
Overcoming Obstacles
However, pursuing a medical career was not without its challenges. In Yalom's time, medical schools had strict quotas on the number of Jewish students they would accept. This meant that competition was fierce, and Yalom had to work exceptionally hard to stand out.
During his undergraduate years, Yalom devoted himself entirely to his studies, setting aside everything except his relationship with Marilyn. He pushed himself to achieve the highest grades possible, hoping to impress medical schools with his academic prowess. This period was marked by intense anxiety and bouts of insomnia, leaving Yalom with few memories of his college years beyond the overwhelming stress.
Despite his near-perfect academic record, Yalom faced rejection from 18 out of 19 medical schools due to the Jewish quotas. However, his persistence paid off when he was accepted to George Washington Medical School, the very institution he had initially set his sights on.
Finding His Path
Yalom's journey through medical school and into his internship and residency years marked a significant turning point in his life. Unlike the stress-filled undergraduate years, Yalom found great fulfillment in his medical training, particularly in his interactions with patients.
Drawing inspiration from his memory of Dr. Manchester's comforting presence, Yalom approached his patients and group therapy sessions with a unique gentleness and authenticity. This approach led to remarkable success from the very beginning of his practice, surprising even Yalom himself.
While Yalom had never considered himself "special," he intuitively recognized that he had something unique to offer the field of psychiatry. Little did he know at the time that this "something" would go on to have a profound impact on the field for decades to come.
Revolutionizing Psychotherapy
Seeking a Holistic Approach
As Yalom began his career as a therapist, he found himself dissatisfied with the dominant schools of thought in psychiatry at the time. The two main approaches – psychoanalytic and biopsychological – seemed incomplete to the young practitioner. Yalom sensed that there was something missing, a more comprehensive explanatory system that could better address the complexities of human experience.
The Philosophical Turn
A turning point came when Yalom discovered Rollo May's book "Existence." This encounter sparked a lifelong fascination with philosophy and led Yalom to explore whether the wisdom of historical sages could provide the missing piece in understanding human psychology.
However, Yalom's exploration of these ideas was temporarily put on hold when he was inducted into the Army and deployed to Hawaii for two years. Upon his return to the mainland in 1962, Yalom accepted a faculty position at Stanford University's School of Medicine, marking the beginning of a new chapter in his career.
Stanford and Innovation
Stanford proved to be an ideal environment for Yalom's intellectual and professional growth. The university provided him with the freedom to pursue his teaching and research interests, surrounded him with brilliant colleagues, and offered an idyllic setting that fostered creativity and innovation.
It was in this fertile ground that Yalom made two significant contributions to the field of psychiatry:
Revitalizing Group Therapy: Yalom recognized the need for a more structured and comprehensive approach to group therapy. He literally wrote the book on the subject, authoring "The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy," which became the definitive textbook in the field.
Developing Existential Therapy: Drawing on his study of philosophy and his clinical experience, Yalom proposed a new therapeutic approach that he called existential therapy. This innovative method placed emphasis on confronting universal themes such as isolation, death, freedom, and meaning, which traditional models often avoided.
Yalom argued that directly addressing these existential concerns could lead to better patient outcomes, including reduced death anxiety and a renewed sense of passion and purpose in life.
Bridging Psychotherapy and Literature
Perhaps one of Yalom's most significant contributions was his ability to introduce complex psychological and philosophical ideas to a broader audience through his writing. Recognizing the power of narrative to convey therapeutic concepts, Yalom began to incorporate storytelling into his work.
This fusion of psychotherapy and literature would become a hallmark of Yalom's career, allowing him to reach and impact a much wider audience than traditional academic writing alone could achieve.
The Writer Emerges
A Lifelong Love of Literature
Yalom's passion for literature can be traced back to his childhood. As a 12-year-old, he would make weekly trips to the local library, borrowing the maximum number of books allowed and devouring them before returning the following week. Unlike his peers, young Yalom was drawn to the biography section, methodically working his way through the lives of notable figures.
This early love of reading and storytelling would lay the foundation for Yalom's future career as a writer, though it would take some time for this aspect of his identity to fully emerge.
From Academic to Storyteller
In the early years of his career, Yalom's writing was primarily confined to academic texts and scientific papers. However, he felt a growing urge to use narrative storytelling as a means of introducing therapeutic ideas to a wider audience.
In 1974, Yalom took his first step into this new territory with the publication of "Every Day Gets a Little Closer." While not strictly fiction, this work marked a departure from his purely academic writing and ignited a passion for more creative forms of expression.
Living a Double Life
From that point on, Yalom began to lead what he describes as a "double life" – continuing his work as a Stanford professor and therapist while simultaneously developing his career as a fiction writer. To accommodate this dual pursuit, Yalom would take sabbaticals from his teaching duties to focus on writing his novels.
Some of his most notable works include:
- "When Nietzsche Wept"
- "The Schopenhauer Cure"
- "The Spinoza Problem"
These novels were not mere side projects but achieved significant critical acclaim. "When Nietzsche Wept" won the Commonwealth Club of California's award for best fiction and was selected as book of the year. "The Spinoza Problem" received the Prix des Lecteurs in 2014.
Finding His Unique Voice
Through his writing, Yalom finally found the unique contribution he had long sensed he could make to the field of psychiatry. He became a master at weaving together psychiatric insights and philosophical ideas, presenting them in accessible and engaging narratives that could reach both his patients and the general public.
This ability to bridge the gap between professional psychotherapy and popular literature became one of Yalom's most distinctive and influential contributions to the field.
Facing Mortality: The Elder Years
Confronting Death Anxiety
As Yalom entered his later years, he found himself grappling with the very existential concerns that had been at the center of his therapeutic work. Despite his expertise in helping others confront their mortality, Yalom discovered that he was not immune to death anxiety himself.
For many years, Yalom held onto the belief that he would die at 69, the same age at which his father had passed away. This fear manifested in frequent nightmares about death, often causing him to wake up in a panic.
Ironically, Yalom's work with end-of-life patients served as a double-edged sword. On one hand, it constantly reminded him to live fully and with few regrets. On the other, it provided a constant awareness of life's finite nature and the inevitability of death.
Finding Peace in the Ninth Decade
Despite these challenges, Yalom found that entering his ninth decade brought unexpected peace and happiness. While he had lost many close friends and family members, including three of his best friends and his older sister (and later, his beloved wife Marilyn), he discovered a new sense of contentment.
Yalom found joy in rediscovering favorite books and films, experiencing them anew as if for the first time. Most importantly, he continued to find fulfillment in his work, maintaining a six-day weekly schedule of writing and seeing patients well into his later years.
The Role of the Wise Elder
As Yalom aged, he became aware of a shift in how others perceived him. He recognized that he had become somewhat "idealized" in his advanced years, filling the role of the wise elder that many people yearn for in their lives.
This idealization was evident in the swelling audiences at his talks and the influx of messages in his inbox. Yalom understood that this increased attention reflected a widespread awareness of his advancing age and a desire to glean wisdom from him while there was still time.
A Continuing Journey
Perhaps most inspiring is Yalom's continued commitment to growth and contribution in his later years. Despite his vast experience and numerous accomplishments, he still approaches his work with humility, often remarking that he's finally "getting good at" the skills of writing and therapy.
Yalom's openness about his own struggles with death anxiety serves as a reminder that confronting existential concerns is a lifelong process, even for those who have devoted their lives to helping others do the same.
Final Thoughts: The Enduring Value of Self-Exploration
Irvin D. Yalom's memoir, "Becoming Myself," offers readers a profound exploration of the human experience through the lens of one of the most influential psychiatrists of our time. As we journey through Yalom's life, from his humble beginnings to his status as a revered elder in the field, we are confronted with the same existential questions that have driven his work: Who am I? What is the meaning of life? How do we face our own mortality?
Yalom's story reminds us that these questions are universal, transcending professional expertise or life accomplishments. Even as a master therapist, Yalom continues to grapple with issues of identity, existence, and mortality. This ongoing struggle is not a sign of weakness but rather a testament to the depth and complexity of the human experience.
The memoir serves as both an inspiration and an invitation. It inspires us by showing how one individual's curiosity, compassion, and courage can lead to a life of profound impact and meaning. At the same time, it invites us to embark on our own journey of self-discovery and growth.
Yalom's continued commitment to learning, growing, and contributing well into his ninth decade is a powerful reminder that personal development is a lifelong process. His openness about his own challenges and vulnerabilities encourages us to approach our own struggles with self-compassion and curiosity.
Moreover, Yalom's enduring belief in the value of therapy – both as a practitioner and as someone who has benefited from it – underscores the importance of seeking support in our journey of self-exploration. If a master therapist still finds value in therapy after all these years, it suggests that we all might benefit from creating space in our lives for reflection, introspection, and personal growth.
In the end, "Becoming Myself" is more than just a memoir. It's a call to embrace the complexity of our lives, to confront our existential concerns with courage, and to continually strive for self-understanding and personal growth. As Yalom's life demonstrates, this journey is not always easy, but it is invariably rewarding, offering the possibility of a life lived with greater authenticity, purpose, and meaning.
As we close the book on Yalom's story, we are left with a profound appreciation for the power of self-reflection and the enduring value of psychotherapy. We are reminded that each of us is on our own journey of becoming – and that this process of self-discovery and growth is not just the domain of therapists or philosophers, but a fundamental part of the human experience.
Yalom's legacy, as reflected in this memoir, encourages us all to approach our lives with curiosity, compassion, and courage. It reminds us that while we may not have all the answers, the very act of asking these profound questions and seeking to understand ourselves more deeply can lead to a richer, more meaningful existence.
In the end, perhaps the greatest lesson we can take from Yalom's journey is the importance of embracing our own. By facing our fears, exploring our inner worlds, and continually striving to become more fully ourselves, we honor not just Yalom's teachings, but the inherent potential within each of us to lead lives of authenticity, purpose, and profound human connection.