Introduction
Growing up gay in a fundamentalist Christian household is a challenging experience that few can truly understand. In his memoir "Boy Erased," Garrard Conley takes readers on a deeply personal journey through his experiences as a young gay man in the American South, grappling with his sexuality, faith, and family relationships.
The book provides a harrowing account of Conley's time in a gay conversion therapy program run by Love in Action, an organization that claimed to "cure" homosexuality through a combination of religious indoctrination and psychological manipulation. Through Conley's story, we gain insight into the damaging effects of conversion therapy and the broader struggles faced by LGBTQ+ individuals in conservative religious communities.
The Ex-Gay Movement and Its Beliefs
At the heart of Conley's story is the ex-gay movement, a religious-based effort to change people's sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. This movement, which gained prominence in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, was rooted in the belief that homosexuality was a sinful choice that could be overcome through faith and therapy.
Homosexuality as an Addiction
One of the central tenets of the ex-gay movement was the idea that homosexuality was akin to an addiction, similar to alcoholism or drug abuse. Organizations like Love in Action, which ran the program Conley attended, taught that same-sex attraction was a destructive behavior that could be controlled and ultimately eliminated through a combination of religious devotion and behavioral modification techniques.
This belief system framed homosexuality not as an innate aspect of a person's identity, but as a sinful habit or lifestyle choice that could be broken with enough effort and faith. By equating same-sex attraction with harmful addictions, the ex-gay movement sought to convince participants that their feelings were not only wrong but actively dangerous to their well-being.
The Role of Satan and Sin
Another key aspect of the ex-gay ideology was the belief that homosexuality was a result of Satan's influence on a person's life. The movement taught that same-sex attraction was a manifestation of sin and that individuals needed to recognize and resist the devil's temptations to overcome their "homosexual tendencies."
This framing of homosexuality as a spiritual battle against evil forces added an extra layer of fear and guilt for many participants in ex-gay programs. They were taught to view their own desires and feelings as evidence of demonic influence, creating a constant state of internal conflict and self-doubt.
Causes of Homosexuality According to the Ex-Gay Movement
The ex-gay movement promoted various theories about the "causes" of homosexuality, all of which were based on pseudoscience and religious beliefs rather than factual evidence. Some of the supposed causes included:
- Lack of childhood sports participation
- Insufficient male bonding during formative years
- Overbearing mothers and distant fathers
- Childhood trauma or abuse
- Exposure to "sinful" influences in popular culture
These unfounded theories served to reinforce the idea that homosexuality was a result of external factors and personal choices rather than a natural variation in human sexuality.
The Love in Action Program
Conley's experiences at the Love in Action program provide a disturbing glimpse into the methods used by ex-gay organizations to attempt to change participants' sexual orientation.
Stripping Away Identity
Upon arrival at the program, participants were subjected to a process of identity erasure. Personal belongings that were deemed to reinforce "false images" of gender or sexuality were confiscated. This included clothing, jewelry, books, and other items that program leaders believed might hinder the emergence of participants' "true" heterosexual identities.
For Conley, this meant having his notebook of short stories taken away because it contained writing from a female perspective, which was seen as evidence of moral weakness and feminine tendencies. The program's strict enforcement of traditional gender norms extended to requiring female participants to shave their legs and armpits regularly, further reinforcing stereotypical ideas of masculinity and femininity.
Controlled Environment
The Love in Action program created a highly controlled environment designed to limit participants' exposure to anything deemed "sinful" or contrary to their mission. This included:
- Banning classical music
- Prohibiting references to yoga, astrology, and fantasy games like Dungeons and Dragons
- Restricting access to non-Christian literature and media
- Limiting contact with the outside world
By isolating participants from external influences, the program sought to create an immersive experience where their ideology could be more easily internalized.
The 12-Step Program
Love in Action's approach was modeled after 12-step addiction recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. Participants were expected to follow a series of steps designed to help them "recover" from their homosexuality. These steps included:
- Admitting powerlessness over same-sex attraction
- Believing that a higher power could restore them to heterosexuality
- Making a decision to turn their will and lives over to God
- Conducting a moral inventory of past "sinful" behaviors
- Confessing these behaviors to God and others in the program
- Being ready to have God remove their "defects of character"
- Asking God to remove their same-sex desires
- Making amends to those they had harmed through their "homosexual lifestyle"
- Continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting wrongs
- Seeking to improve their conscious contact with God
- Carrying the message of "change" to other homosexuals
- Practicing these principles in all areas of their lives
This program structure reinforced the idea that homosexuality was a spiritual and moral failing that could be overcome through dedication and faith.
Group Therapy and Moral Inventory
A significant component of the Love in Action program was group therapy sessions where participants were expected to share their "Moral Inventory" – detailed accounts of past "sinful" behaviors, typically related to sexual experiences or desires. These sessions were designed to instill shame and reinforce the idea that homosexuality was a moral failing.
Participants were encouraged to provide feedback to one another, further internalizing the program's messages about the shameful nature of same-sex attraction. This group dynamic created an environment of peer pressure and judgment, making it difficult for individuals to question or resist the program's teachings.
The Impact on Participants
The effects of the Love in Action program and similar ex-gay therapies on participants were often severe and long-lasting.
Trauma and Mental Health
Many participants, including Conley, entered the program already dealing with significant trauma. In Conley's case, he had been raped by a fellow college student shortly before being outed to his parents. The program's intense focus on shame and sin often exacerbated existing mental health issues and created new ones.
The constant pressure to view one's own identity as fundamentally flawed and sinful led many participants to experience depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. The program's teachings created a deep sense of self-loathing and internal conflict that could take years to overcome.
Strained Family Relationships
For many participants, the decision to enter an ex-gay program was driven by pressure from family members, particularly parents. This created a complex dynamic where individuals felt they had to choose between their authentic selves and their relationships with loved ones.
In Conley's case, his relationship with his father, a Baptist preacher, became strained and distant as a result of his sexuality and his decision to leave the program. Even years later, their communication remained limited and uncomfortable, highlighting the long-term impact that these experiences can have on family bonds.
Loss of Faith
One of the most profound consequences for many ex-gay program participants was a loss of religious faith. The program's teachings so closely intertwined the concepts of God and sin with sexuality that many found it impossible to maintain their belief in a loving deity after rejecting the ex-gay ideology.
Conley describes how, even a decade after leaving the program, he found it difficult to believe in God without also believing in his own sinfulness. This loss of faith represented a significant shift in identity and worldview for individuals who had grown up in deeply religious communities.
Difficulty Forming Relationships
The shame and self-doubt instilled by ex-gay programs often made it challenging for participants to form healthy, intimate relationships later in life. Conley describes spending nearly a decade after leaving the program struggling to trust others and maintain long-term connections.
The program's teachings about the "dangers" of same-sex relationships and the constant reinforcement of heterosexual norms created lasting barriers to self-acceptance and authentic expression of sexuality and love.
The Decline of the Ex-Gay Movement
In the years following Conley's experience, the ex-gay movement began to lose credibility and support, even among its former leaders.
Admissions of Failure
John Smid, the leader of the Love in Action program during Conley's time there, eventually renounced the ex-gay movement and admitted that the program could not change a person's sexual orientation. This admission, along with similar statements from other ex-gay therapy proponents, dealt a significant blow to the movement's credibility.
Apologies and Reconciliation
Many former ex-gay therapists and counselors have since issued public apologies for their involvement in the movement. These apologies have helped to validate the experiences of those who suffered through conversion therapy and have contributed to a broader understanding of the harm caused by these practices.
Legal and Social Changes
As public opinion on LGBTQ+ rights has shifted and scientific evidence has continued to debunk the claims of ex-gay therapy, many jurisdictions have passed laws banning conversion therapy, particularly for minors. This legal action, combined with increased social acceptance of LGBTQ+ individuals, has significantly reduced the prevalence of ex-gay programs in the United States.
The Lasting Impact
Despite the decline of the ex-gay movement, its effects continue to be felt by many who experienced conversion therapy.
Personal Healing
For individuals like Conley, the process of healing from the trauma of ex-gay therapy can be long and challenging. Many survivors have found solace in sharing their stories, connecting with others who have had similar experiences, and advocating for LGBTQ+ rights.
Family Reconciliation
The journey toward reconciliation with family members who supported or encouraged participation in ex-gay programs can be complex. While some, like Conley's mother, have apologized and worked to repair their relationships, others may continue to struggle with accepting their LGBTQ+ children or loved ones.
Ongoing Advocacy
Many survivors of ex-gay therapy have become vocal advocates against conversion therapy and for LGBTQ+ rights. Their stories have played a crucial role in educating the public about the dangers of these practices and pushing for legal protections for LGBTQ+ individuals.
Conclusion
Garrard Conley's memoir "Boy Erased" provides a powerful and deeply personal account of the harm caused by the ex-gay movement and conversion therapy. Through his experiences, readers gain insight into the complex interplay of sexuality, faith, and family in conservative religious communities.
The book serves as a stark reminder of the damage that can be done when religious beliefs are used to deny and attempt to change fundamental aspects of a person's identity. It also highlights the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of self-acceptance in the face of societal and familial pressure.
As society continues to grapple with issues of LGBTQ+ rights and religious freedom, stories like Conley's play a crucial role in fostering understanding and empathy. They remind us of the importance of creating a world where all individuals can live authentically and without fear of rejection or attempts to change their core identity.
The legacy of the ex-gay movement serves as a cautionary tale about the dangers of pseudoscience and religious extremism. It underscores the need for continued education, advocacy, and support for LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly those growing up in conservative or religious environments.
Ultimately, "Boy Erased" is a testament to the power of truth and self-acceptance. It challenges readers to consider the harm caused by intolerance and the beauty that can emerge when individuals are free to embrace their authentic selves. As society continues to evolve in its understanding and acceptance of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, stories like Conley's will remain vital in promoting compassion, understanding, and equality for all.