Braving the Wilderness

"True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are." – Brené Brown

1. The Pain of Not Belonging

A fundamental human need is the desire to belong. From early childhood to adulthood, people seek places or relationships that make them feel accepted and understood. However, the pain of not belonging can be profound and life-altering. Brené Brown shares her experience as a child in New Orleans when her middle name, Cassandra, marked her as an outsider among both white and Black classmates. She wasn't invited to white kids' parties, and Black families were wary of her presence.

This exclusion extended beyond her childhood. As a teenager, she desperately wanted to join her school's Bearkadettes cheerleading team, a goal tied to her family’s legacy. Despite preparing rigorously, she was rejected, leaving her to feel inadequate not just in school but in her family too. The pain drove her toward unhealthy habits, like binge drinking, in an attempt to fill the void.

Her adulthood didn’t immediately resolve these feelings. Even in supportive groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Brown was often redirected elsewhere because she "didn't fit" due to her overlapping struggles. These experiences illustrate how deep and lasting the scars of feeling unwelcome can be.

Examples

• Exclusion from parties as a child because of her "different-sounding" name.
• Rejection from an important cheerleading team despite excelling at tryouts.
• Being told she didn’t "belong" even in support groups meant to alleviate pain.

2. True Belonging Is About Belonging to Yourself

True belonging is not about fitting into a group; it's about being at home within yourself. Brown learned this after years of trying to gain others' approval. She realized the importance of self-acceptance when Steve, her future husband, saw her authenticity through self-destructive behaviors and encouraged her to embrace who she really was.

Brown began a practice of writing permission slips for herself. This small act allowed her to embrace her quirks and freedom, such as permitting herself to have fun or be goofy. She shared this transformative journey during an appearance on Oprah, helping others understand that self-belonging is a process of self-love and trust.

Maya Angelou’s wisdom, “Do not be moved,” reinforced Brown’s belief in staying grounded in her own values. Whether it meant changing out of a compulsory "business attire" into clothes that reflected her personality or rejecting societal expectations, Brown embraced herself as she was.

Examples

• Writing permission slips to give herself freedom and joy.
• Changing out of business attire into casual clothes before a big speech, which boosted her confidence and earned audience praise.
• Receiving advice from Maya Angelou that validated her journey toward authenticity.

3. The Wilderness as a Path to Growth

The "wilderness" symbolizes the challenging journey of stepping into the unknown to grow as a person. Brown highlights the wilderness as a powerful metaphor for that discomfort in embracing vulnerabilities, facing fears, and leaving comfort zones to better discover one's true self.

Entering your personal wilderness could mean delving into solitude, exploring emotions, or committing to spiritual practices. Brown highlights that courage is a requirement, whether that involves saying no to toxic relationships or saying yes to new opportunities. It’s about creating your path with every brave step forward, even when it feels intimidating.

Trust and bravery are necessary wilderness skills. You must build trust in others and yourself while cultivating qualities like reliability, integrity, and generosity. Success in navigating this wilderness brings personal belonging and fulfillment.

Examples

• Joseph Campbell’s quote: “Your path is created with every step you take.”
• Practicing trust and vulnerability during difficult conversations with oneself or others.
• Seeing solitude as a space for self-reflection rather than a punishment.

4. Self-Isolation Through Like-Minded Circles

People often seek groups or communities to avoid feeling alone, but surrounding themselves only with like-minded individuals can reinforce loneliness. Instead of diverse perspectives, people enter "feedback loops" that validate their opinions without challenge.

Brown shows how this phenomenon is evident in both geographic and digital landscapes. For example, in 1976, only 25% of Americans lived in politically homogenous counties. By 2016, that number jumped to 80%. Online, social media also fosters isolated echo chambers of opinion, reducing exposure to differing views.

This separation contributes to an epidemic of loneliness. Feeling lonely has severe health effects, increasing risks of premature death by 45%, according to research by Julianne Holt Lunstad. Real belonging requires stepping out of these disconnected spaces to find uniting experiences.

Examples

• Rising percentages of American counties dominated by singular political ideologies over decades.
• Social media algorithms curate content that reinforces existing opinions.
• Studies highlighting loneliness as a greater health risk than obesity or alcohol.

5. Seek Connection Through Art and Shared Experiences

Rather than subscribe to divisive factions, look for places and activities that foster genuine connection. Brown recalls experiences where certain places made her family feel more isolated and others brought joy and unity.

Events centered around art, live music, and shared celebration often serve as unifying spaces that transcend differences. These moments hold the potential to replace isolation with belonging without the strings of ideology pulling us apart.

By actively seeking opportunities for meaningful, shared connection, we can better understand others and ourselves, transcending the loneliness brought by factional divides.

Examples

• Identifying environments, like specific restaurants, that felt isolating versus those fostering connection.
• Community events where people collectively enjoy live performances or art installations.
• Participating in culturally rich music sessions that unite people beyond their backgrounds.

6. Anger Can Be Redirected for Good

Anger can trap people in cycles of bitterness, straining relationships and clouding perspectives. Brown urges readers to acknowledge anger but use it constructively rather than suppressing or misdirecting it. Societies often avoid productive conversations regarding the roots of frustration, leading to misplaced aggression or division.

Brown draws from examples like how Americans reacted post-9/11. While collective grief was appropriate, unity was shaped through superficial patriotism rather than addressing root causes or discussing identity and race with vulnerability.

People like Antoine Leiris, who lost his wife in the 2015 Paris attacks, exemplify letting pain transform into compassion. Despite profound grief, he rejected hatred, committing instead to love and resilience.

Examples

• Americans rallying patriotism instead of seeking understanding post-9/11.
• The rise of misplaced anger leading to increased US racial and violent tensions.
• Leiris’s choice to live with peace and love after losing his wife to terror attacks.

7. Fear of Vulnerability Hampers Real Connection

Many avoid authentic vulnerability, believing it to be a sign of weakness, but being open about struggles creates opportunities for greater understanding and relationships. It takes courage to show your imperfect side.

Jen Hatmaker’s activism demonstrates this courage. As a Christian leader, she openly supported LGBTQ rights. Facing backlash from her own community, she remained graceful and engaged in constructive dialogue, refusing to close herself off emotionally.

Choosing vulnerability is an essential part of true belonging and can inspire others to embrace their own journeys.

Examples

• Jen Hatmaker advocating for LGBTQ rights despite alienation within her religious communities.
• Brown encouraging open dialogue on struggles rather than judgments.
• Situations where deep conversations trump surface-level agreements.

8. Civil Conversations Can Bridge Divides

Instead of insulting or demeaning someone who disagrees, clear communication can create opportunity for greater understanding. It’s easy to rush into judgment, particularly online, but real conversations require civility and respect.

Brown shares examples, such as calmly countering a stranger’s comment on gun rights. By maintaining composure, she articulated her stance effectively without fueling further division. Respectful dialogue fosters connection even among opposing perspectives.

Examples

• Refraining from insults during online debates about political topics.
• Brown’s tactful response when mistaken for an NRA supporter.
• Choosing to address ideological differences with mutual respect instead of hostility.

9. Emotional Openness Boosts Personal Belonging

Belonging isn’t just external—it starts with how we process emotions. Openly exploring internal struggles helps us understand the true origins of loneliness or anger. Introspection allows people to address emotional pain in ways that cultivate healing.

For Brown, achieving emotional balance required returning to the pain of childhood rejection and accepting it as part of her story. Only then could she progress toward sustainable joy.

Examples

• Facing childhood memories of rejection when assessing emotional struggles.
• Using therapy or journaling to process unresolved feelings.
• Finding clarity through honest reflection on inner emotions.

Takeaways

1. Actively seek out diverse experiences to broaden your perspective and build meaningful connections beyond factional divides.
2. Practice self-belonging by regularly affirming your own unique traits and writing personal permission slips to embrace who you are.
3. Handle disagreements with respect and compassion, ensuring dialogue remains constructive rather than dismissive or harmful.