Michelle Zauner's memoir "Crying in H Mart" is a poignant exploration of family, cultural identity, and the transformative power of food and music. Through her candid and heartfelt storytelling, Zauner takes readers on an emotional journey from her childhood in Oregon to her rise to fame as a musician, all while grappling with the loss of her mother and her connection to her Korean heritage.
Introduction: The Significance of H Mart
The book opens with Zauner describing her experiences at H Mart, an Asian supermarket chain in the United States. For those unfamiliar, H Mart stands for "han ah reum," a Korean phrase meaning "one arm full of groceries." These stores are typically found on the outskirts of cities, anchoring strip malls alongside other Asian markets and restaurants.
H Mart is more than just a grocery store for Zauner; it's a place that evokes powerful memories and emotions. The sights, smells, and tastes of the various Korean foods and ingredients remind her of her late mother, Chongmi. It's also a place where she questions her own identity as a half-Korean, half-Caucasian woman, wondering if she's "still Korean" when she no longer has anyone to ask about which brands they used to buy.
The author observes other families and individuals in H Mart, each seeking connection to their heritage through food. She watches Korean women sharing meals and stories in the food court, Chinese students searching for their favorite noodles, and a child excitedly holding packets of ppeongtwigi, a Korean snack. It's this last sight that brings Zauner to tears, highlighting the deep emotional connection between food, family, and cultural identity that runs throughout the memoir.
Childhood and the Power of Food
Zauner's relationship with her mother, Chongmi, was complex and often tumultuous. As a child, Michelle constantly sought her mother's approval, and food became a primary way to earn it. This realization came during a trip to Seoul when young Michelle bravely tried live octopus tentacles at a fish market, much to her family's delight.
Chongmi showed love through food, always remembering people's preferences and preparing their favorite dishes. She exposed Michelle to a wide range of flavors from an early age, helping her develop a sophisticated palate that included caviar, lobster, and various raw fish. These culinary experiences were often accompanied by Chongmi's approval, reinforcing the connection between food and love in Michelle's mind.
One particularly poignant memory involves a late-night snack in Seoul, where Chongmi watched her daughter devour pungent leftovers and declared it proof that Michelle was "a real Korean." These moments of connection through food became treasured memories for Zauner, especially as her relationship with her mother grew more strained in her teenage years.
Teenage Rebellion and Musical Dreams
As a child, Michelle was known as the "Famous Bad Girl" by her Aunt Nami for her mischievous behavior. Despite this, she initially tried to follow her mother's strict rules to maintain a good relationship. However, by high school, Michelle had fully embraced teenage rebellion, falling into depression and apathy.
It was during this time that Michelle discovered her passion for music. She became obsessed with songwriters and their lyrics, finding solace in artists like Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse, who captured the essence of life in the Pacific Northwest. A pivotal moment came when she watched a DVD of a Yeah Yeah Yeahs performance and saw Karen O, a half-Korean, half-white woman like herself, fronting the band. This representation shattered stereotypes and inspired Michelle to pursue music herself.
With determination, Michelle convinced her mother to buy her a cheap guitar and basic lessons. She practiced relentlessly, made friends with musicians at school, and began writing and recording her own songs. Her first significant performance came when she opened for singer-songwriter Maria Taylor at WOW Hall in Eugene, a moment that solidified her dream of becoming a musician.
However, this dream was met with resistance from her mother. After Michelle's performance, Chongmi dismissed her daughter's musical aspirations during a lunch at Seoul Cafe, the only Korean restaurant in town. This conflict deepened the divide between mother and daughter, setting the stage for Michelle's eventual departure from home.
College Years and Early Adulthood
Following the fight at Seoul Cafe, Michelle's rebellion intensified. She left home, stayed with friends, and spent time in squats with other troubled youth. Her grades plummeted, and she found herself fantasizing about death. Eventually, Chongmi intervened, helping Michelle get back on track at school and sending her to therapy.
Despite their tumultuous relationship, Michelle was accepted to Bryn Mawr College near Philadelphia. The physical distance between mother and daughter was seen as a positive step by all involved, especially after a final confrontation before Michelle's departure where Chongmi revealed she had once considered abortion due to Michelle's difficult behavior.
Surprisingly, the time apart began to heal their relationship. Chongmi sent care packages filled with Michelle's favorite Korean snacks and foods, while Michelle gained a new appreciation for her mother's role as a homemaker and parent. This perspective shift became even more apparent after Michelle graduated and experienced the challenges of living independently in less-than-ideal conditions.
The Cancer Diagnosis and Return Home
At the age of 25, just as Michelle was considering leaving behind her struggling musician lifestyle, she received devastating news: her mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Shocked and determined to make amends, Michelle devised a plan to become the perfect daughter and help her mother heal.
Despite Chongmi's protests, Michelle put her life on hold. She quit her jobs, paused her musical pursuits, and moved back to Eugene to become her mother's caretaker. She embraced activities her mother had always encouraged, like jogging, and threw herself into preparing Korean dishes that would be easy for Chongmi to digest during her treatment.
However, the reality of cancer treatment quickly set in. After starting chemotherapy, Chongmi lost her appetite and began experiencing severe side effects. Michelle found herself cleaning up after her mother's bouts of vomiting and witnessing her rapid decline. The situation reached a crisis point when Chongmi became so ill that she couldn't stand or speak, leading to an emergency hospital visit that left the entire family traumatized.
The Last Trip to Korea
After two rounds of unsuccessful chemotherapy, Chongmi made the difficult decision to stop treatment. Instead, she expressed a desire for one last trip to Korea. The journey proved challenging, with Chongmi arriving in Seoul feverish and weak. Her condition continued to deteriorate, leading to a hospital stay where she experienced severe complications.
Michelle stayed by her mother's side through long nights, watching helplessly as Chongmi's health declined further. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost and doctors were recommending a ventilator, Chongmi experienced a sudden, miraculous recovery. This unexpected turn of events allowed the family to plan a medical evacuation back to Oregon.
A Wedding and a Final Goodbye
Inspired by her mother's improved condition and aware of the limited time they might have left, Michelle decided to get married. She called her boyfriend, Peter, and proposed the idea of an immediate wedding so that Chongmi could be present. Peter agreed, and the whirlwind planning began.
The wedding became a source of motivation for Chongmi, who seemed to grow stronger with each passing day as she prepared for the event. On the wedding day, Chongmi looked beautiful in a traditional Korean dress, makeup, and a wig to cover her shaved head. For perhaps the first time, she showered Michelle with unrestrained compliments, telling her daughter how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress.
The ceremony was emotional, the food was delicious, and Chongmi even managed to have her dance with Peter, the new son-in-law. Although she had to retire early, the day was a resounding success, allowing Michelle to celebrate with her friends and new husband late into the night.
Tragically, just a few weeks after the wedding, Chongmi passed away. The brief period of joy and connection made her loss all the more poignant for Michelle and her family.
Grief, Music, and Reconnecting with Korean Culture
In the aftermath of Chongmi's death, Michelle found herself navigating grief while also trying to honor her mother's memory. When her aunt Nami Emo and cousin Seong Young traveled from Korea for the funeral, Michelle was determined to be a good host, just as her mother would have been. She turned to Korean comfort food, specifically doenjang jjigae, a hearty vegetable and tofu stew.
Unable to rely on her mother's guidance, Michelle found herself searching for recipes online. It was during this search that she discovered Maangchi, a Korean woman who shared cooking videos on YouTube. Maangchi's accent and instructions provided a soothing connection to Michelle's heritage, and the resulting stew was a hit with her visiting family members.
Music also became a crucial outlet for Michelle's grief. She retreated to a secluded cabin on her parents' property and wrote a collection of songs that would eventually become the album "Psychopomp." This album, recorded under the name Japanese Breakfast, marked the beginning of Michelle's rise to fame as a musician.
From Grief to Success
A year after Chongmi's passing, "Psychopomp" began to attract significant attention in the music industry. Michelle embarked on a five-week tour opening for Mitski, a Japanese-American singer-songwriter. As the album's popularity grew, Michelle formed a full band, and Japanese Breakfast set out on their own cross-country tour.
The band's success continued to escalate, with performances at major music festivals like Coachella and Bonnaroo, as well as shows in Europe's cultural capitals. Eventually, they booked a two-week tour in Asia, with the final stop in Seoul, South Korea.
Throughout the Asian tour, Michelle indulged in local cuisines, from Taipei to Beijing to Tokyo. The Seoul concert held particular significance, with the greenroom filled with Michelle's favorite Korean snacks. The sold-out crowd's enthusiasm and the sight of fans carrying albums featuring Chongmi's picture on the cover created a powerful moment of connection between Michelle's past and present.
Returning to Korea: A Full Circle Journey
Following the successful Seoul concert, Michelle and Peter stayed in Korea for two additional weeks. They visited the places Chongmi had hoped to see on her final trip but couldn't due to her illness. This journey allowed Michelle to honor her mother's memory while also deepening her connection to her Korean heritage.
The trip culminated in a feast at a seafood restaurant with Michelle's aunt Nami Emo and her husband, Emo Boo. They indulged in abalone, scallops, and live spoon worms, celebrating Korean cuisine and family bonds. The night ended at a karaoke bar, where Michelle and Nami Emo sang "Coffee Hanjan," a childhood favorite of Nami and Chongmi.
This final scene beautifully encapsulates the themes of the memoir: the intertwining of food, music, family, and cultural identity. By embracing these elements of her heritage, Michelle found a way to keep her connection to her mother alive while forging her own path forward.
The Power of Food in Memory and Healing
Throughout "Crying in H Mart," food serves as a powerful motif, representing love, cultural connection, and memory. Zauner's vivid descriptions of various Korean dishes not only make the reader's mouth water but also illustrate the deep emotional significance of these foods.
From the live octopus tentacles that earned young Michelle her mother's approval to the doenjang jjigae she prepared to comfort her grieving relatives, each dish carries a story and an emotional weight. The act of cooking becomes a way for Michelle to connect with her mother's memory and her Korean heritage, even as she struggles with feelings of loss and cultural disconnection.
The memoir also highlights how food can bridge cultural gaps and bring people together. Whether it's Michelle introducing her American friends to Korean cuisine or bonding with her Korean relatives over shared meals, food becomes a universal language of love and understanding.
Music as a Path to Healing and Self-Discovery
While food plays a central role in the memoir, music emerges as an equally powerful force in Michelle's life. From her early fascination with songwriters to her eventual success as Japanese Breakfast, music provides a means of self-expression, emotional release, and ultimately, a way to honor her mother's memory.
The creation of "Psychopomp" in the wake of Chongmi's death serves as a cathartic experience for Michelle, allowing her to process her grief through art. The album's success and the subsequent tours become a way for Michelle to share her story and her mother's memory with a wider audience.
Moreover, music allows Michelle to carve out her own identity as a Korean-American artist. By following in the footsteps of musicians like Karen O, she challenges stereotypes and creates space for diverse voices in the indie music scene.
The Complexity of Mother-Daughter Relationships
At its core, "Crying in H Mart" is a deeply personal exploration of the complex relationship between Michelle and her mother, Chongmi. Their dynamic is marked by cultural differences, generational gaps, and the universal struggles of parent-child relationships.
Zauner doesn't shy away from depicting the difficult aspects of their relationship, from teenage rebellions to hurtful words exchanged in moments of anger. However, she also captures the profound love that underpinned their bond, expressed through shared meals, small gestures of care, and ultimately, the sacrifices both made for each other.
The memoir poignantly illustrates how their relationship evolved over time, from the strained interactions of Michelle's teenage years to the tender moments shared during Chongmi's illness. It's a testament to the power of forgiveness, understanding, and the unbreakable bonds of family.
Navigating Cultural Identity
As a biracial Korean-American, Michelle's journey of self-discovery is intricately tied to her exploration of her cultural identity. Throughout the memoir, she grapples with questions of belonging, feeling caught between her American upbringing and her Korean heritage.
H Mart becomes a symbolic space where these identity struggles play out. It's a place where Michelle feels both connected to and distanced from her Korean roots, where she can immerse herself in the sights, smells, and tastes of her mother's culture while also feeling like an outsider.
Zauner's honest portrayal of these struggles resonates with many second-generation immigrants and biracial individuals who find themselves navigating multiple cultural identities. Her journey towards embracing her Korean heritage, particularly through food and music, offers a hopeful message about finding belonging and honoring one's roots.
The Universal Experience of Grief
While "Crying in H Mart" is deeply rooted in Zauner's personal experiences and Korean-American identity, it also touches on the universal experience of grief. The raw emotions Zauner expresses as she watches her mother's health decline, the bittersweet moments of connection in their final days together, and the profound sense of loss that follows Chongmi's death are experiences that many readers can relate to, regardless of their cultural background.
Zauner's portrayal of grief is nuanced and honest. She doesn't shy away from the ugly, messy aspects of loss, nor does she try to wrap her experiences up in a neat bow. Instead, she shows how grief can be both devastating and transformative, how it can lead to both isolation and connection, and how it can inspire creativity and personal growth.
Conclusion: A Celebration of Life, Love, and Heritage
"Crying in H Mart" is ultimately a celebration of life, love, and cultural heritage. Through her vivid storytelling, Michelle Zauner invites readers into her world, sharing the joys and sorrows of her relationship with her mother, her journey of self-discovery, and her path to healing through food and music.
The memoir reminds us of the power of food to connect us to our roots and to each other. It highlights the transformative potential of art and music in processing grief and forging identity. And it offers a deeply human story of family, loss, and resilience that resonates across cultural boundaries.
For readers who have never set foot in an H Mart or tasted Korean cuisine, the book serves as an invitation to explore new flavors and cultures. For those who share Zauner's Korean-American background, it offers a sense of recognition and validation. And for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one, it provides comfort in shared grief and hope for healing.
In the end, "Crying in H Mart" is like a perfectly fermented kimchi – complex, layered, and deeply satisfying. It leaves readers with a hunger for more – more stories, more music, and perhaps a trip to the nearest H Mart to experience the magic for themselves.