Introduction
Dolly Alderton's "Everything I Know about Love" is a candid and humorous memoir that takes readers on a journey through the author's tumultuous twenties. As a young woman poised on the brink of adulthood, Alderton had grand expectations of what life would bring: wild adventures, career success, and passionate romances. However, reality had different plans for her.
This book offers a fresh and frank account of early twenties girlhood, exploring the ups and downs of friendship, love, and self-discovery. Through her experiences, Alderton shares valuable lessons about life, relationships, and personal growth that she learned along the way.
The Quest for Adventure and Good Stories
Anything for a Good Story
Alderton's early twenties were marked by a relentless pursuit of excitement and memorable experiences. One particularly wild night exemplifies this attitude:
Late one evening, after hours of drinking, Alderton found herself in a minicab office in North London, demanding a ride to Leamington Spa - a town nearly 100 miles away. Despite the cabbies' incredulity, she persisted, driven by the desire to continue partying with a university crush who lived there.
This escapade, costing 200 pounds and resulting in a severely overdrawn bank account, showcases Alderton's commitment to collecting stories and experiences, regardless of the consequences.
The University Years and Beyond
At the University of Exeter, Alderton surrounded herself with like-minded friends who shared her enthusiasm for adventure and hedonism. Their motto seemed to be that hangovers and heartbreaks were acceptable as long as they resulted in a good story.
However, as they transitioned from university life to the real world, Alderton noticed a shift in her friends' priorities. While they began to settle into careers and serious relationships, she found herself doubling down on her quest for wild experiences and passionate romances.
The Realization
It wasn't until later that Alderton began to see the bigger picture. The stories she had been so eagerly collecting were just fragments of a larger narrative. Looking back on her twenties, she could finally appreciate the experiences that truly shaped her, the lessons she needed to learn, and the unexpected places where love had been hiding all along.
The Evolution of Relationships
A Parade of Unsuitable Suitors
Alderton's romantic life during her early twenties was a colorful tapestry of mismatched relationships and memorable dates. Some notable examples include:
Harry: Her university boyfriend whose interests in lacrosse and maintaining a stiff upper lip clashed with Alderton's personality.
Hector: A rakish musician with a penchant for drinking white wine for breakfast.
Graysen: An aristocratic palm-reader who spent one night with Alderton before disappearing.
Leo: A sweet hippie whose love for camping and quiet nights in didn't align with Alderton's lifestyle.
An older entrepreneur: A Tinder match whose relationship with Alderton ended dramatically over a 300-pound restaurant bill.
These experiences, while often entertaining, rarely led to lasting connections or personal growth.
The Dating Columnist
Alderton's knack for memorable dates eventually landed her a job as a dating columnist for a national newspaper. This role turned her hobby of going on unusual dates into a professional obligation. While she longed for a steady relationship, the success of her column depended on her continued misadventures in the dating world.
The Changing Dynamics of Friendship
As Alderton cycled through various romantic entanglements, she began to notice a shift in her friendships. One by one, her close friends started settling into serious relationships, and the dynamics of their friendships changed.
The author mourned the loss of the carefree nights out and hungover Sundays spent together. Instead, her friends were now attending couple's dinner parties and going on romantic getaways. This transition was particularly difficult with her best friend, Farly.
The Case of Farly
Farly and Alderton had been inseparable since they were eleven years old. Despite their differences - Farly being orderly and focused, Alderton chaotic and dreamy - they formed an unbreakable bond. However, when Farly met, moved in with, and got engaged to Scott in quick succession, their relationship inevitably changed.
Although Farly promised that "nothing will change," Alderton learned that this phrase is often a well-intentioned lie. The regularity and familiarity of their close friendship couldn't help but be affected by Farly's new priorities.
The Journey to Self-Love
Rock Bottom
Alderton's quest for validation through romantic relationships and wild experiences eventually led her to a breaking point. She found herself in a therapist's office, confessing to dark thoughts and a general sense of unraveling.
The roots of her problems were complex:
Her relationship with alcohol, which began at age thirteen and developed into a habit of excessive drinking.
A pattern of disordered eating that started after a traumatic breakup at nineteen.
An obsession with male attention coupled with a fear of genuine intimacy.
The Breakthrough
Alderton's therapist helped her realize that the core issue was her lack of comfort with herself. She had been so focused on seeking love and validation from others that she had neglected to cultivate a loving relationship with herself.
The Power of Friendship
While romantic relationships had often left Alderton feeling unfulfilled, her female friendships had been a constant source of support and love. This became particularly evident when Farly's younger sister, Florence, passed away from leukemia.
During this difficult time, Alderton was there for Farly in ways that demonstrated the depth of their friendship. She provided comfort, companionship, and knew exactly when to offer distraction or give space. This experience helped Alderton recognize the true value of her friendships and the genuine love that existed within them.
The Evolving Concept of Love
Teenage Notions of Love
As a teenager, Alderton held several beliefs about love:
- Romantic love was the only real form of love.
- Adults without romantic partners were failures.
- Losing one's virginity after eighteen was embarrassingly late.
- Friends with boyfriends were boring.
Early Twenties Love Lessons
By age twenty-one, Alderton's ideas about love had shifted:
- Men were attracted to wild, chaotic, and slightly mean women.
- Friends' boyfriends were best ignored.
- No breakup would be worse than the first.
- The right relationship would solve all personal insecurities.
Mid-Twenties Love Wisdom
At twenty-five, Alderton's beliefs about love had evolved further:
- Men preferred cool, elegant, and withholding women.
- Friends' partners often differed from expectations but stuck around.
- Close friendships inevitably changed when romantic relationships began.
- Sharing favorite things with a partner was risky due to potential breakups.
Mature Understanding of Love
Finally, Alderton reached a more nuanced understanding of love:
- Self-acceptance is more attractive than playing by arbitrary dating rules.
- The love received from others often reflects self-love.
- It's okay not to love friends' partners as long as they make your friend happy.
- True friendships endure despite changes in life circumstances.
Lessons Learned and Personal Growth
The Importance of Self-Reflection
Alderton's journey through her twenties taught her the value of self-reflection. Initially, she was so caught up in the pursuit of excitement and stories that she rarely took time to consider the impact of her actions or the patterns in her behavior.
The incident in Leamington Spa, where her friend Sophie booked her a long bus journey home hoping she would reflect on her choices, illustrates this perfectly. At the time, Alderton was not ready for introspection, choosing instead to continue partying with strangers on the bus.
However, as she matured and faced the consequences of her actions, Alderton began to see the importance of looking inward and understanding herself better.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy played a crucial role in Alderton's personal growth. It provided her with a safe space to explore her thoughts and feelings, and helped her identify the root causes of her behaviors. Through therapy, she was able to confront her issues with self-esteem, her relationship with alcohol, and her patterns in romantic relationships.
Most importantly, therapy helped Alderton realize that the validation and security she had been seeking from others could only truly come from within herself.
Learning to Love Oneself
One of the most significant lessons Alderton learned was the importance of self-love. She realized that her desperate search for love and validation from others was a reflection of her inability to provide these things for herself.
By working on her relationship with herself - learning to trust her instincts, respect her boundaries, and appreciate her own company - Alderton was able to build a stronger foundation for all her other relationships.
The Enduring Power of Female Friendship
Throughout her journey, Alderton came to appreciate the profound importance of her female friendships. While romantic relationships came and went, her close friendships provided a constant source of support, love, and understanding.
The experience of supporting Farly through the loss of her sister highlighted the depth and resilience of these friendships. Alderton realized that the love she had been searching for in romantic partners had been present all along in her circle of close friends.
Adapting to Change
Alderton's experiences taught her the importance of adapting to life's changes. Whether it was adjusting to the evolving dynamics of friendships as people entered serious relationships, or learning to navigate the professional world after university, flexibility and resilience became key skills.
She learned that change, while often challenging, could also bring new opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
The Multifaceted Nature of Love
Perhaps the most profound lesson Alderton learned was that love comes in many forms and changes over time. She moved from a narrow focus on romantic love to a broader appreciation of the various types of love in her life - love for friends, family, and most importantly, love for herself.
She also came to understand that what she wanted and needed from love changed as she grew and matured. The wild, passionate romances she craved in her early twenties gave way to a desire for deeper, more meaningful connections based on mutual respect and understanding.
Conclusion
Dolly Alderton's "Everything I Know about Love" is more than just a memoir of wild youth and dating misadventures. It's a heartfelt exploration of the journey from the chaotic freedom of early adulthood to the more grounded self-awareness of maturity.
Through her experiences, Alderton learned valuable lessons about love, friendship, and self-worth. She discovered that the love she had been desperately seeking in romantic relationships was often right in front of her - in her steadfast friendships and, most importantly, within herself.
The book serves as a reminder that the path to self-discovery is rarely straightforward. It's filled with missteps, heartbreaks, and moments of confusion. But it's also peppered with joy, laughter, and profound connections.
Alderton's journey teaches us that while the wild stories of youth are exciting, the real adventure lies in getting to know and love oneself. It reminds us that true friendship can be as profound and life-changing as any romantic relationship, and that the most important love story we'll ever have is the one we have with ourselves.
In the end, "Everything I Know about Love" is a celebration of growth, resilience, and the many forms that love can take. It's a testament to the power of self-reflection and the enduring strength of female friendship. Alderton's honest and humorous account of her twenties offers both entertainment and wisdom, reminding readers that even in our most chaotic moments, we're learning, growing, and moving towards a better understanding of ourselves and the world around us.