Introduction
Life can be incredibly painful at times. We all experience hurt, betrayal, and loss that can leave deep emotional scars. In her book "Forgiving What You Can't Forget," Lysa TerKeurst shares her own journey of healing after discovering her husband's infidelity. Through her personal story and insights, she offers a path forward for anyone struggling to process pain and find forgiveness.
TerKeurst's world was shattered when she learned of her husband's affair. The pain and betrayal felt insurmountable. She tried desperately to erase any reminders of their relationship, packing away photos and mementos. But she soon realized that trying to forget only intensified her suffering. True healing would require facing the pain head-on and finding a way to forgive.
This book explores TerKeurst's process of working through trauma, understanding the roots of her pain, and ultimately choosing forgiveness - not just for her husband, but for other hurts from her past as well. She offers practical strategies and spiritual wisdom to help readers process their own pain in healthy ways.
The journey of forgiveness is not easy or quick. It's a gradual process that requires patience, self-reflection, and often professional help. But TerKeurst shows that it is possible to find healing, even from the deepest wounds. By cooperating with God's work of forgiveness in our hearts, we can find freedom from bitterness and the ability to move forward.
The Necessity of Forgiveness for Healing
When we've been deeply hurt by someone, forgiveness is often the last thing we want to consider. The pain can be so intense that we'd rather try to forget it ever happened or hold onto our anger as a form of protection. But TerKeurst discovered that true healing only begins when we open our hearts to forgiveness.
In the aftermath of discovering her husband's affair, TerKeurst felt completely broken. The shock and heartbreak were so overwhelming that she wished she could be put under anesthesia to escape the pain. For months, she struggled just to get through each day.
But eventually, TerKeurst realized that clinging to her hurt wasn't helping her heal. As long as she defined herself by what had been done to her, she remained stuck in victim mode. To move forward, she needed to find a way to forgive - as impossible as that seemed.
This realization aligns with what many psychologists and counselors teach about processing trauma. While it's important to acknowledge our pain and not rush the healing process, holding onto resentment ultimately prolongs our suffering. Forgiveness allows us to release the emotional burden and reclaim our power.
Of course, forgiveness is incredibly difficult, especially for major betrayals or abuse. TerKeurst emphasizes that we don't have to rely on our own strength to forgive. As a Christian, she found comfort and empowerment in relying on God's grace. She points to Ephesians 4:7 in the Bible, which says that Jesus allows grace to flow through us to help us forgive one another.
This doesn't mean instantly absolving the person who hurt us or pretending everything is fine. Rather, it's about cooperating with God's work of forgiveness in our hearts. We can ask for divine help to gradually release our desire for revenge or to see the other person suffer. In doing so, we open the door to our own healing and freedom.
Even for those who aren't religious, there's wisdom in recognizing that forgiveness isn't just about the other person - it's a gift we give ourselves. Holding onto bitterness keeps us chained to the past. Forgiveness, while challenging, allows us to move forward and reclaim our lives.
The Danger of Waiting for the "Right Time" to Forgive
When we've been deeply hurt, it's natural to feel like we can't or shouldn't forgive until certain conditions are met. We may want the person who wronged us to fully understand the pain they caused, to sincerely apologize, or to somehow make amends. Or we might think we need to feel ready before we can forgive.
TerKeurst fell into this trap after her husband's infidelity. In a therapy session, she expressed how she couldn't forgive him because he didn't seem remorseful. She felt she needed some kind of restitution before forgiveness would be possible. Her pain and anger felt justified, and forgiving seemed unfair when he hadn't made things right.
However, her therapist helped her see the flaw in this thinking. Waiting for the "right time" to forgive only prolongs our own suffering. There may never be a moment when forgiveness feels completely fair or easy. And even if the other person does everything right, it doesn't undo the hurt we experienced.
The reality is that our healing shouldn't be dependent on someone else's choices or behavior. We can't control whether they ever fully grasp the pain they caused or make adequate amends. But we can choose to begin our own journey of healing through forgiveness.
This doesn't mean instantly feeling warm and fuzzy toward the person who hurt us. Forgiveness is a process that takes time. But we can take the first step by deciding to release our need for revenge or restitution.
TerKeurst's therapist gave her a powerful exercise to begin this process. He had her write down all the specific hurts and betrayals on individual note cards - one wound per card. Then she verbally declared forgiveness for each item, covering the card with a red felt square to symbolize releasing that hurt.
This exercise helped TerKeurst realize that her pain didn't need to be validated or vindicated by her husband. She could acknowledge the reality of what happened and how it affected her without waiting for him to make it right. Speaking the hurts out loud and symbolically releasing them was cathartic.
Of course, this doesn't mean instantly trusting someone again or putting ourselves in a position to be hurt further. Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate processes. We can choose to forgive for our own healing while still maintaining healthy boundaries.
The key is recognizing that there's never a perfect time to forgive. If we wait until we feel completely ready or until the other person has earned it, we may wait forever. Instead, we can choose to begin the process of forgiveness as an act of self-care, releasing the emotional burden that's weighing us down.
The Pitfalls of Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
When faced with deep pain or trauma, it's natural to look for ways to numb the hurt or avoid dealing with difficult emotions. Some turn to substance abuse, risky behaviors, or unhealthy relationships. Others may go to the opposite extreme, putting on an overly positive front and denying their true feelings.
TerKeurst found herself falling into the latter category after her husband's betrayal. She would repeatedly tell herself and others that everything was fine and that she had fully forgiven him. But her therapist recognized this as a form of "hyper-spiritualizing" - using religious language to avoid actually processing her pain.
While these coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, they ultimately prevent true healing. Numbing behaviors like addiction only mask the pain without addressing its root causes. And forced positivity or spiritual bypassing keeps us in denial, unable to honestly confront our hurt.
The problem is that we can't heal what we won't feel. Avoiding or denying our pain keeps us stuck in an alternate reality rather than dealing with what actually happened. To move forward, we have to be willing to acknowledge the full extent of our hurt and sit with uncomfortable emotions.
This doesn't mean wallowing in misery, but rather creating space to process our feelings in healthy ways. For TerKeurst, working with a therapist was crucial in helping her identify her avoidance tactics and learn to face her pain honestly. Counseling can provide a safe environment to explore difficult emotions with professional guidance.
Journaling, support groups, and confiding in trusted friends can also be helpful outlets. The key is finding constructive ways to express and work through our hurt rather than trying to bury or ignore it.
It's also important to recognize that resistance to forgiveness is normal and often rooted in legitimate fears or concerns. We may worry that forgiving means excusing the behavior or opening ourselves up to further harm. Or we simply may not know how to even begin forgiving such a deep hurt.
TerKeurst emphasizes that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what happened or immediately trusting the person again. It's about releasing our need for revenge and choosing to move forward. Understanding this can help us overcome some of the mental blocks to forgiveness.
Ultimately, facing our pain honestly and learning healthy coping skills are essential steps in the healing journey. While it may be uncomfortable at first, it allows us to process our hurt and gradually move toward forgiveness and freedom.
The Importance of Examining Our Past
When dealing with a current hurt or betrayal, it's natural to focus solely on the present situation. But TerKeurst discovered that truly healing often requires examining our past experiences as well. Our reactions to present pain are often shaped by earlier traumas or relationship patterns that we may not even be consciously aware of.
TerKeurst calls this process "collecting the dots" - identifying key moments and relationships from our past that have influenced how we view ourselves and others. For her, this meant looking back at her childhood experiences of abandonment and abuse.
Growing up in a trailer with an absent father, TerKeurst developed deep-seated feelings of insecurity and unworthiness. These were further compounded when she was sexually abused by a babysitter at age nine - a trauma she kept secret out of fear and shame.
As she examined these experiences, TerKeurst began to see how they had shaped her ability to trust and feel secure in relationships. Her husband's affair hadn't just betrayed her in the present - it had triggered all of her old wounds and fears of abandonment.
This process of examining the past can be painful, but it's crucial for understanding the full scope of what needs healing. Often, our present hurts are amplified because they're layered on top of earlier, unresolved pain.
For example, someone who was bullied as a child may have an extra intense reaction to criticism from a boss or partner. Or someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent may struggle with trust issues in all their relationships.
Identifying these connections doesn't excuse hurtful behavior in the present. But it can help us understand why certain situations affect us so deeply. It also allows us to address the root causes of our pain rather than just treating the symptoms.
TerKeurst emphasizes that forgiveness isn't just about the person directly in front of us. Often, a bigger part of the journey is uncovering and forgiving hurts from long ago that still influence our lives now.
This might involve forgiving parents who were emotionally unavailable, siblings who were cruel, or others who betrayed our trust when we were young. While we can't change the past, acknowledging these hurts and choosing to forgive can be incredibly freeing.
Of course, examining past traumas should be done carefully, ideally with the support of a trained therapist. Digging into painful memories can be overwhelming, so it's important to have healthy coping strategies in place.
The goal isn't to dwell on the past, but to understand how it has shaped us so we can move forward in healthier ways. By "collecting the dots" of our life experiences, we gain valuable insight into our emotional patterns and reactions. This self-awareness is a crucial step in the healing and forgiveness process.
Revising Our Belief Systems
As we examine our past experiences, we often uncover belief systems that have been shaping our thoughts and behaviors without us realizing it. TerKeurst calls this process "connecting the dots" - understanding how past traumas influence our present-day reactions and relationships.
For TerKeurst, her childhood experiences of abandonment and abuse had led her to form deep-seated beliefs about men being untrustworthy. Even though she had made an exception for her husband, Art, these underlying beliefs made it difficult for her to fully trust him or accept his expressions of love.
Only by recognizing these patterns was TerKeurst able to start changing them. She realized that to truly forgive her husband, she also needed to work on forgiving the other men who had hurt her in the past and revising her overall beliefs about relationships.
This process of revising our belief systems is crucial for healing and moving forward. Often, we form conclusions about ourselves, others, or the world based on painful experiences. While these beliefs may have served as protection at one point, they often limit us in the present.
For example, someone who was cheated on might form the belief that "all partners are unfaithful." This belief might lead them to either avoid relationships altogether or to act possessive and suspicious in future relationships, potentially sabotaging them.
Identifying and challenging these beliefs is an important part of the healing process. This doesn't mean invalidating our past experiences or the pain we felt. Rather, it's about recognizing that the conclusions we drew might not be universally true or helpful for our present lives.
TerKeurst's journey also highlights the importance of understanding that both parties in a relationship often have unresolved pain influencing their behavior. In honest conversations with her husband, she learned that his inability to express emotions stemmed from his own childhood experiences in a family that didn't talk about feelings.
This realization helped her see their relationship dynamics in a new light. She had been desperately seeking verbal affirmation that Art struggled to give, while he was trying to earn her approval in other ways. Understanding each other's past hurts and resulting behaviors allowed them to have more compassion and work on meeting each other's needs more effectively.
Revising our belief systems isn't a quick or easy process. It requires honest self-reflection and often the help of a therapist or counselor. We may need to challenge thoughts we've held for years or even decades.
But doing this work is essential for true healing and growth. By examining the "dots" of our past experiences and how we've connected them, we can start to form new, healthier beliefs that allow us to move forward and build more fulfilling relationships.
Reframing Our Suffering
Once we've identified how past experiences have shaped our beliefs and behaviors, the next step is what TerKeurst calls "correcting the dots." This involves reframing our suffering in ways that allow us to move forward in healthier ways.
It's common for people who have experienced trauma or betrayal to develop a victim mentality. They may see everything through the lens of their pain, constantly on guard for potential threats or signs of rejection. While this is a natural protective response, it can prevent us from fully engaging in life and relationships.
TerKeurst found herself falling into this pattern after her husband's affair. Every interaction became filtered through her hurt and mistrust. To heal, she needed to find a way to acknowledge her pain without letting it define her entire life.
The process of "correcting the dots" involves finding more balanced and life-giving interpretations of our experiences. This doesn't mean minimizing our hurt or excusing harmful behavior. Rather, it's about finding meaning and potential growth even in our suffering.
TerKeurst turned to her faith for guidance in this process, finding comfort in Bible verses that spoke of suffering producing perseverance, character, and hope. For those who aren't religious, philosophy, psychology, or inspirational literature might provide similar frameworks for finding meaning in difficulty.
A practical exercise TerKeurst used was to examine her emotional and physical reactions when thinking about people who had hurt her. If she noticed herself tensing up, feeling angry, or secretly hoping for their downfall, she recognized these as signs that forgiveness work was still needed.
She then challenged herself to reframe these thoughts in more positive ways. Instead of dwelling on how she'd been wronged, she asked questions like "How might I look at this differently?" or "What good could come from forgiving this person?"
This reframing process helps shift our focus from being defined by our pain to considering how we can grow and move forward. It's about asking, "What would a healthy version of me do from here?" rather than staying stuck in hurt and resentment.
Of course, this isn't about forcing artificial positivity or denying the reality of our pain. It's a gradual process of expanding our perspective to see beyond our hurt. We can acknowledge the difficulty of what we've been through while also looking for opportunities for growth and healing.
Journaling can be a helpful tool in this process. Writing down our thoughts and feelings allows us to examine them more objectively. We can then practice rephrasing negative thought patterns into more constructive ones.
For example, instead of "I'll never be able to trust again," we might reframe it as "Trust is difficult for me right now, but I'm working on healing and building healthy relationships." This acknowledges the pain while also leaving room for growth and change.
Reframing our suffering in this way doesn't happen overnight. It's an ongoing process that requires patience and self-compassion. But gradually, it allows us to integrate our painful experiences into our life story in a way that empowers rather than diminishes us.
By "correcting the dots" - reinterpreting our experiences in more balanced ways - we can begin to move from a place of victimhood to one of survivorship and growth. This shift in perspective is crucial for deep healing and the ability to forgive.
Forgiving the Unforgivable
Some experiences in life are so traumatic, so deeply wounding, that the idea of forgiveness seems impossible. For TerKeurst, the sexual abuse she experienced as a child fell into this category. The damage done wasn't just a momentary hurt, but something that affected her entire life - her sense of self-worth, her ability to trust, and her overall worldview.
When faced with such profound violations, how can we even begin to consider forgiveness? TerKeurst's journey offers some insights into this incredibly challenging process.
First, it's important to recognize that forgiving doesn't mean forgetting or excusing what happened. It doesn't mean saying that the abuse was okay or that it didn't have serious consequences. Forgiveness in this context is about releasing the hold that the pain and anger have on us, not about absolving the abuser of responsibility.
TerKeurst found that a key step was acknowledging the full extent of what had been stolen from her - her innocence, her sense of safety, her childlike imagination. She had to grieve these losses and validate the depth of her pain before she could even consider forgiveness.
Another crucial realization was that holding onto anger and resentment wasn't actually punishing her abuser - it was only continuing to hurt herself. The abuser had already done immense damage; by refusing to forgive, she was allowing that damage to continue controlling her life.
This doesn't mean that forgiveness comes easily or quickly in such situations. It's a long, often painful process that may require professional help. For many survivors of abuse, therapy is an essential part of the healing journey.
TerKeurst emphasizes the importance of surrendering the need for revenge to a higher power. As a Christian, she found comfort in believing that God would ultimately bring justice, freeing her from the burden of trying to punish her abuser herself.
Even for those who aren't religious, there can be value in releasing the need for personal vengeance. This might involve accepting that we may never see the person face earthly consequences, but choosing to focus on our own healing rather than their punishment.
It's also helpful to reframe forgiveness not as something we do for the other person, but as a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness allows us to stop defining ourselves primarily as victims and to reclaim our power to shape our own lives.
Of course, forgiveness doesn't mean putting ourselves in harm's way or having a relationship with an abuser. It's entirely possible to forgive someone while still maintaining strong boundaries to protect ourselves.
For those grappling with forgiving severe trauma, it's important to be patient with yourself. Healing and forgiveness are processes, not one-time events. There may be times when the pain feels fresh again, and that's okay. The goal is gradual progress, not perfection.
TerKeurst found that while she couldn't change what had happened to her, she could change how much power it had over her present and future. By choosing forgiveness - as difficult as it was - she was able to see her abuse as one chapter in her story, not the defining feature of her entire life.
This kind of deep forgiveness is incredibly challenging and may not be possible for everyone. But for those who feel called to this journey, it can be a powerful path to reclaiming their lives and finding a measure of peace.
Forgiveness as an Ongoing Process
One of the most important realizations in TerKeurst's journey was that forgiveness isn't a one-time event or a final destination. It's an ongoing process that requires patience, self-compassion, and often repeated effort.
She compares dealing with trauma to having a broken tooth. On the surface, things might seem fine most of the time. But certain triggers can suddenly bring all the pain flooding back, making us feel like we're back at square one.
This is a normal part of the healing journey and doesn't mean all our progress has been lost. Just as physical wounds can be re-aggravated, emotional wounds can be triggered by reminders or similar situations. The key is how we respond to these moments.
TerKeurst developed strategies for handling these triggering moments. Instead of letting them completely derail her, she learned to pause and identify what she was feeling. She would ask herself questions like:
- Is this leftover fear from the past, or is there something I need to pay attention to in the present?
- On a scale from neutral to angry to wishing for retaliation, where are my feelings toward this person right now?
- Do I need to process this out loud with someone, or can I work through it in my journal?
By approaching these moments with curiosity rather than judgment, she was able to continue her healing process rather than falling back into old patterns of hurt and resentment.
This approach acknowledges that healing isn't linear. There will be good days and bad days, moments of peace and moments when the pain feels fresh again. The goal isn't to never feel hurt again, but to develop healthier ways of processing that hurt when it arises.
TerKeurst calls this "ongoing forgiveness." It's the recognition that we may need to choose forgiveness repeatedly, especially for deep hurts. Each time we're triggered or remember the pain, we have the opportunity to reaffirm our choice to forgive and continue healing.
This perspective can be incredibly freeing. Instead of feeling like failures when old hurts resurface, we can see these moments as opportunities for growth and deeper healing. It allows us to be gentle with ourselves in the process.
Ongoing forgiveness also recognizes that different aspects of a hurt may need to be processed at different times. Initially, we might forgive the broad situation. But as time goes on, we might need to work through forgiving specific details or implications we didn't fully grasp at first.
For example, someone dealing with infidelity might initially forgive the fact of the affair. But later, they might need to work through forgiving the lies told to cover it up, or the impact it had on their children. Each layer may require its own forgiveness process.
This ongoing nature of forgiveness highlights the importance of developing good self-care practices and support systems. Having trusted friends, a therapist, or a support group to turn to when old hurts resurface can be invaluable.
Journaling, meditation, prayer, or other reflective practices can also help in continuing to process emotions and reaffirm the choice to forgive. The specific tools may vary from person to person, but having strategies in place for handling difficult moments is crucial.
Ultimately, viewing forgiveness as an ongoing process takes the pressure off trying to achieve some perfect state of healing. Instead, it's about committing to the journey of growth and healing, one day at a time.
Conclusion: The Path to Healing and Freedom
TerKeurst's journey through betrayal, pain, and ultimately forgiveness offers valuable insights for anyone struggling to heal from past hurts. While her specific experiences may not match everyone's, the principles she discovered can be applied to a wide range of painful situations.
The core message of "Forgiving What You Can't Forget" is that forgiveness, while challenging, is essential for our own healing and freedom. Holding onto anger and resentment keeps us chained to the past and prevents us from fully living in the present.
However, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting what happened or excusing harmful behavior. It's not about reconciliation or putting ourselves in position to be hurt again. Rather, it's about releasing our need for vengeance and choosing to move forward with our lives.
TerKeurst emphasizes that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. It often requires examining our past, understanding how it has shaped our beliefs and behaviors, and consciously choosing to reframe our experiences in more constructive ways.
This journey isn't easy and may require professional help, especially when dealing with severe trauma or abuse. But the potential benefits - freedom from bitterness, improved relationships, and a greater sense of peace - make it a worthy endeavor.
Key takeaways from TerKeurst's book include:
Acknowledge your pain fully before trying to forgive. Rushing the process or denying your hurt won't lead to genuine healing.
Examine how past experiences have shaped your current beliefs and reactions. Understanding these connections can help you address root issues.
Be willing to revise belief systems that no longer serve you. Challenge negative thought patterns and look for more balanced perspectives.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not for the other person. It's about your healing, not their absolution.
Forgiveness is an ongoing process. Be patient with yourself and expect that you may need to recommit to forgiveness multiple times.
Develop healthy coping strategies and support systems to help you navigate triggering moments or setbacks.
Look for opportunities for growth and meaning, even in your suffering. This doesn't minimize your pain but can help you move forward.
Consider seeking professional help, especially for deep traumas or if you're struggling to move forward on your own.
While the journey of forgiveness is deeply personal and often challenging, TerKeurst's story offers hope that healing is possible, even from the deepest wounds. By choosing to forgive - not just others, but often ourselves as well - we open the door to greater freedom, peace, and the ability to fully embrace our lives moving forward.