Forgiving What You Can't Forget Summary

“Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting the hurt; it’s about remembering without the pain.” – Lysa TerKeurst

1. Forgiveness is the First Step to Healing

Forgiveness often feels impossible when the pain is fresh, but it’s also the gateway to healing. Lysa discovered this after grappling with her husband’s affair. Initially, she harbored resentment, using her pain as justification to push him and the memories of their relationship away. But as days turned to weeks, it became clear that her anger wasn’t relieving her suffering; it was amplifying it. She began to understand that forgiveness wasn’t for her husband’s sake—it was for her own peace.

As she explored the Bible, Lysa found strength in verses like Ephesians 4:7, which suggest that God’s grace empowers us to forgive. Forgiving isn’t something we achieve on our own, but something we allow to happen by cooperating with a higher power. It’s about releasing our grip on the hurt and trusting that justice does not have to come at our hands.

Choosing forgiveness lifted a weight for Lysa. Her decision wasn’t about excusing Art’s betrayal or pretending everything was fine; it was about surrendering her desire for vengeance. Through this, she discovered the freedom to start moving forward instead of staying trapped in a cycle of pain.

Examples

• Lysa tore down memories of her marriage, only to realize erasing the past didn’t erase her heartbreak.
• She found encouragement in Bible teachings, which reassured her that God assists with forgiveness.
• Letting go of resentment allowed her to reclaim emotional freedom.

2. Forgiveness Won’t Wait for the “Right” Time

Waiting for the perfect moment to forgive can keep us stuck. In one of her therapy sessions, Lysa expressed her resistance to forgiving Art. She felt drained, unkempt, and burdened by waiting for his remorse. Her therapist, Jim, suggested that healing isn’t tied to another person’s apology; it’s a decision we can make independently.

At first, Lysa believed an apology or repentance from Art would make forgiveness easier. But she realized that even if Art felt deep regret, it wouldn’t erase the betrayal. Pinning her healing on his actions only prolonged her hurt.

Through an exercise with forgiveness cards, Lysa was guided to voice and visualize her pain. She wrote every hurtful experience on a card and laid them out, covering each with a piece of red felt to symbolize her decision to forgive. This helped her release her emotional load and take the first steps toward true healing.

Examples

• Lysa believed she needed restitution before forgiving but realized this gave others control over her healing.
• Writing and physically covering her emotional wounds gave her clarity and closure.
• She learned forgiveness must begin even when emotions still feel raw.

3. Coping Mechanisms Aren’t Solutions

When faced with pain, many of us turn to coping mechanisms that provide temporary relief but fail to address the root of the hurt. For Lysa, this included masking her anguish by hyper-spiritualizing her life—telling herself she had already forgiven because it felt like the right thing to do. But her avoidance only prolonged her suffering.

During therapy, her counselor helped her see how this approach prevented her from truly confronting her emotions. Denying anger or sadness might protect us in the short term, but it delays healing. Coping mechanisms can trap us in avoidance rather than fostering genuine emotional resolution.

Recognizing this pattern allowed Lysa to face her grief and anger head-on. By abandoning her false positivity, she began dealing with her reality rather than hiding from it, which ultimately helped her process her heartbreak.

Examples

• Lysa repeated phrases like, “As a Christian, I should forgive,” without addressing her real emotions.
• Her avoidance kept her from holding meaningful conversations about her pain.
• Facing her suppressed feelings allowed her to work toward acceptance and forgiveness.

4. Unresolved Pain from the Past Shapes the Present

Forgiveness isn’t limited to dealing with current wounds. Lysa’s reflections revealed how her childhood experiences were influencing her approach to relationships and forgiveness. Pain from her father abandoning her and abuse she endured as a child created deep feelings of insecurity and mistrust.

This realization came during her discussions with friends who also struggled to forgive. They discovered a shared thread: unresolved pain from their past often exacerbated how they dealt with present-day hurt. These moments of connection emphasized the need to “collect the dots” before healing could begin.

By identifying how her past traumas affected her reactions and beliefs, Lysa took an important step toward breaking free from old patterns. She realized she couldn’t fully heal from Art’s betrayal until she addressed lingering feelings of mistrust and unworthiness stemming from her early life.

Examples

• Lysa’s mistrust of men stemmed from her father’s absence and a neighbor’s abuse.
• Shared experiences with friends highlighted how past wounds perpetuate present pain.
• Collecting these “dots” helped her identify emotional triggers and address them.

5. Connecting Past and Present Beliefs

Our internal narratives shape how we experience the present, and sometimes those narratives need to be revised. For Lysa, connections between her fear of abandonment and Art’s betrayal emerged during counseling. Childhood insecurities fueled her skepticism about love and trust during her marriage.

Art, too, brought unspoken pain into their relationship. Raised in a household that silenced emotions, he struggled to articulate his feelings. This created a disconnect; Lysa craved emotional reassurance, while Art didn’t have the tools to provide it. Understanding these dynamics helped both of them see how unresolved issues had contributed to their struggles.

Together, they began discussing their pain and acknowledging each other’s unmet needs. By bringing these connections to light, they could rebuild their relationship based on mutual healing and understanding.

Examples

• Lysa doubted Art’s affection, asking him repeatedly if he “meant” his kind words.
• Art explained his struggle to express emotions due to his upbringing.
• Open communication enabled them to address lingering fears and expectations.

6. Reframing Suffering Brings Clarity

Healing isn’t just about understanding your pain; it’s also about repositioning it in your narrative. Lysa calls this “correcting the dots”—reframing painful events with a focus on growth and learning instead of loss or anger.

Through reflection, she identified physical and emotional reactions linked to unresolved resentment. By consciously recognizing these moments and reshaping her responses, she found clarity. Reading Bible passages about perseverance and hope further grounded her perspective.

This process allowed her to embrace forgiveness more fully. She stopped seeing herself as a victim and started envisioning the person she wanted to become—one who could thrive despite past suffering.

Examples

• Lysa monitored her reactions to emotional triggers and reframed her outlook.
• Scriptures like Romans 5:3-5 reminded her that pain leads to growth and hope.
• Journaling kept her focused on rebuilding her emotional health.

7. The Hardest Things to Forgive Are the Ones We Can’t Change

Some wounds run so deep they seem impossible to forgive. Lysa’s abuse as a child left scars she couldn’t erase and fears that continued to haunt her as an adult. Processing this trauma was one of the most difficult parts of her forgiveness journey.

She realized that resentment over what was stolen from her—innocence and trust—was holding her back from healing. While surrendering anger didn’t change the past, it gave her room to see herself as whole, not broken.

This taught Lysa that forgiveness isn’t about minimizing the hurt; it’s about choosing not to let the pain define your future. Letting go of the need for justice welcomed peace back into her life.

Examples

• Childhood abuse impaired Lysa’s ability to trust and feel secure.
• Lingering anger made her cling to self-protective habits.
• Releasing control over “justice” brought her emotional relief.

8. Triggers Are Part of the Healing Journey

Lysa compares unprocessed trauma to a broken tooth—harmless until triggered. Even after years of healing, unexpected moments can still stir old feelings. Recognizing these moments as part of the process can make them easier to manage.

Rather than bottle up pain, Lysa gives herself space to grieve when triggered. She discerns whether the emotion stems from past fears or present realities and reflects on how best to respond. This practice reminds her that healing isn’t linear; it requires patience and ongoing effort.

Naming and processing her emotions reduces their grip over time, letting her continue her journey without being derailed.

Examples

• Lysa handles triggers by journaling or discussing her emotions with a trusted friend.
• She reflects on whether her reactions stem from unresolved past pain.
• Giving herself time to grieve helps her regain control over her feelings.

9. Forgiveness Is a Continuous Process

Forgiveness isn’t a final destination but an ongoing commitment. For Lysa, every milestone in her journey revealed deeper fears, unresolved anger, or new perspectives on healing. With each step forward, she learned to revisit the practice of forgiveness.

Although the journey may never feel fully complete, deciding to start matters most. By embracing this mindset, Lysa found strength to confront her pain and transform it into growth.

Examples**

• Lysa reframes forgiveness as something ongoing rather than “finished.”
• Revisiting her pain with honesty gives her deeper understanding.
• Forgiving daily keeps her focused on emotional freedom.

Takeaways

1. Take time to list and voice the hurts you want to forgive; small steps can unlock deep healing.
2. Learn to reframe painful memories through journaling and reflection, aiming for growth instead of resentment.
3. Embrace forgiveness as a daily practice, not a one-time event—begin the journey to find peace.