Getting More

Every negotiation, every conversation, is a chance to get what you want – if you're prepared to truly understand and connect with the other person.

1. Life Is One Big Negotiation

Every human interaction, from buying groceries to discussing work deadlines, is a form of negotiation. Recognizing this empowers you to approach each interaction with intention. Negotiation isn't limited to big-ticket items – it occurs in daily living, often unnoticed.

Negotiation takes various approaches, such as forcing someone to do something, persuading someone to align with your thinking, or shifting their emotions. While brute force might work occasionally, it's costly and unproductive. Subtler methods, like engaging someone’s emotions or perspectives, are often more practical and effective.

For example, consider persuading a colleague to join forces on a challenging project. This isn't about coercion; it's about understanding their goals, aligning them with yours, and making the collaboration appealing to them.

Examples

• Convincing a child to finish their chores by explaining how their clean room helps the family.
• Discussing salary expectations during a job interview as you highlight your value to the company.
• Resolving a dispute at home by focusing on shared outcomes rather than arguing.

2. The Power of Building Real Connections

To negotiate effectively, you must connect sincerely with the other person. Building trust and demonstrating genuine value make people more willing to hear your perspective.

Simple gestures, like expressing gratitude or a sincere "thank you," can shift negotiations positively. However, sincerity is key. Pretending to care will often backfire. If you're unable to build rapport due to differences, consider involving a neutral third party or adjusting your approach based on cultural nuances and individual preferences.

For instance, while a "thank you" might suffice in some cultures, others might appreciate a thoughtful gesture, like a handwritten note or personalized acknowledgment.

Examples

• Thanking a client for their time before starting negotiations, showing you value them.
• Adjusting your approach with a business partner from a different cultural background instead of relying on stereotypes.
• Asking a mediator to step in when the direct dialogue becomes tense, keeping the conversation constructive.

3. Understand That Perception Is Everything

Perception varies from person to person and drives decisions. Assuming others see the world as you do often leads to misunderstandings. Effective negotiation involves exploring and addressing those differing perspectives.

To uncover someone’s viewpoint, ask thoughtful questions and actively listen. Summarizing their points as you go ensures clarity and mutual understanding. Maintaining emotional control is equally critical; reacting out of anger or frustration can derail negotiations.

For example, if someone declines your request, rather than assuming hostility, ask insightful follow-up questions to uncover the reasons behind their position. This approach shifts the focus back to a constructive conversation.

Examples

• Addressing an angry customer by calmly asking what led to their dissatisfaction.
• Discovering a waiter’s challenges at a busy restaurant when your order is delayed.
• Talking through a misunderstanding with a friend by asking them to explain their perspective.

4. Leverage Their Own Standards

When a negotiation stalls, appealing to the other party’s values and standards can be a clever way to move forward. By highlighting any inconsistency in their behavior, you create accountability and encourage them to act.

For instance, if a business claims to guarantee satisfaction, bring their promise into the conversation when seeking a resolution for a faulty product. This approach capitalizes on their own standards to validate your expectations.

Furthermore, breaking down your argument into manageable steps helps the other party follow your logic and find common ground.

Examples

• Explicitly mentioning a brand’s quality guarantee during a warranty claim negotiation.
• Highlighting a hotel’s high ratings when addressing poor room conditions with staff.
• Referring to a company’s code of ethics when seeking fairness in workplace conflicts.

5. Bartering Beyond Money

Value isn't just about price tags but personal importance. Understanding what the other person values – beyond their monetary price point – opens the door for unique trades.

Take the example of bartering in ancient times, where people traded goods based on their needs. This principle remains relevant today. By identifying what matters most to your negotiating partner, you strengthen your offer and differentiate yourself.

If you're job hunting, ask about a company’s pain points and propose solutions tailored to them. It elevates your desirability beyond qualifications.

Examples

• Offering a sought-after domain name to a client in exchange for equity in their startup.
• Suggesting additional skills you bring to the team during salary discussions.
• Trading graphic design work for marketing exposure when collaborating with a new business.

6. Don’t Let Emotions Derail the Conversation

Emotions often crowd negotiation tables, disrupting progress. Whether it's anger, pride, or fear, unchecked emotions can lead to irrational decisions. Acknowledging feelings, however, creates openness.

For example, during a heated divorce settlement, understanding the emotional stakes for both individuals helps find common ground. Providing "emotional payments" – gestures that address emotional needs – can soothe tensions and advance talks.

But remember, false displays of empathy can erode trust irreparably. Authenticity is the foundation of emotional acknowledgment.

Examples

• A salesperson calming an irate customer by sincerely listening and addressing their grievances.
• Mediating between two arguing friends by identifying emotional pain points.
• Showing understanding during an employee performance review instead of reacting bluntly.

7. Master the Art of Preparation

Preparation can make or break negotiations. The Getting More model advocates detailed forethought, from setting clear goals to developing contingency plans.

Start by defining the problem and identifying the stakeholders and decision-makers. Then, explore both parties’ needs, uncovering rational and emotional drives. Finally, brainstorm creative solutions and ensure you anticipate potential objections.

For example, if you're applying for a prestigious position, research the organization's challenges and address how your skills align during the interview.

Examples

• Mapping out likely objections before pitching a new product to management.
• Preparing alternative solutions for a customer dissatisfied with a delayed delivery.
• Researching market trends before negotiating a freelance contract.

8. Communication Is Key to Bridging Gaps

Effective communication goes beyond voicing your perspective. Active listening, summarizing key points, and asking follow-up questions show you’re invested in finding common ground.

For instance, during a difficult conversation with a manager over a missed project deadline, summarizing their expectations ensures no miscommunication occurs.

Communication fosters trust and makes even tough conversations productive.

Examples

• Active listening and summarizing during a feedback session with a team member.
• Asking clarifying questions during a vendor negotiation.
• Confirming agreed points after haggling at a local market to avoid confusion.

9. Small Steps Lead to Big Outcomes

Negotiations often succeed when large goals are broken into smaller, actionable steps. Avoid overwhelming people with grand demands and instead guide them to outcomes gradually.

Presenting incremental steps also empowers the other party, as they feel more in control of decisions. It ensures they comprehend the flow of logic.

For example, negotiating an extension for a tight project deadline becomes easier when you propose interim deliverable checkpoints that demonstrate your commitment.

Examples

• Asking for week-by-week feedback on a passion project before pitching it formally.
• Postponing an unpleasant discussion until smaller, immediate problems are resolved.
• Setting tiny, achievable savings goals in financial planning with a partner.

Takeaways

1. Practice gratitude and personalization in negotiations to build real, valuable connections. A simple moment of genuine thanks can open doors.
2. Always research and outline your goals before entering any negotiation. Preparedness strengthens your position and boosts confidence.
3. Manage emotional hurdles sincerely by acknowledging and understanding both your and the other person’s feelings. Emotional balance leads to clearer solutions.