How to Be Your Own Therapist

How do you become your own guide to emotional wellness and mental clarity in just ten minutes a day?

1. The Power of Your Personal Narrative

Our personal stories are at the heart of our emotional experiences. Owen O'Kane explains that we construct mental rules and behaviors based on our past experiences, often without realizing it. These self-created rules can either help or hinder us, depending on whether they align with our present needs.

In therapy, uncovering the roots of our habits begins with telling our story. O'Kane illustrates this with his personal journey of growing up in a conflict-heavy environment in Northern Ireland while grappling with rejection due to his sexuality. He used therapy to disentangle patterns of shame and fear.

These unconscious rules often originate from childhood and persist unnoticed. But by reflecting on your story, you can identify outdated coping mechanisms, like people-pleasing as a shield against disapproval, and decide whether to keep or rewrite them.

Examples

• A person who was once told that showing emotion is weak may continue suppressing feelings into adulthood.
• Someone raised in a tense household might become hyper-vigilant, always expecting conflict.
• Identifying the root of perfectionism can reveal a desire to gain approval from critical authority figures in the past.

2. Start Your Day with Awareness

Success begins with how we set up our day. O'Kane introduces a four-minute practice called "Ready," which involves a morning emotional check-in. This allows you to understand your "internal weather" before stepping out into the world.

The first step is to sit quietly, close your eyes, and ask yourself, "How am I doing right now?" Scan your emotions: Are you happy, stressed, or indifferent? Then examine your body for tension or discomfort. Finally, turn to your thoughts – are they calm or spiraling?

Acknowledging these internal states without judgment is vital. This simple step builds mindfulness, setting the tone for a balanced, deliberate day instead of being swept away by automatic reactions.

Examples

• Someone feeling anxious in the morning might realize a need for self-compassion that day.
• Acknowledging confusion could prompt someone to seek clarity before making work decisions.
• Checking bodily sensations while stressed might highlight the need for relaxation or stretching.

3. Ask, Align, and Act

The second step in O'Kane’s morning practice focuses on aligning actions with your emotional needs. After scanning your internal state, ask yourself, "What do I need today?" Answer authentically, and commit to practical steps.

For instance, loneliness might highlight the need for connection. This could lead you to call a friend, ensuring your emotional needs are addressed even before the day unfolds. Aligning actions with emotional insight fosters an intentional and fulfilling day.

Intentions are also key. Setting small, meaningful goals, like practicing patience or forgiveness, helps guide behavior and promotes personal growth.

Examples

• Noticing anxiety might drive someone to ask for support from a colleague.
• A desire for joy could inspire someone to pursue a hobby midday.
• Gratitude practice can shift focus from problems to a sense of abundance.

4. Gratitude and Grounding Strengthen the Mind

Gratitude is transformative. Scientific research has repeatedly shown that reflecting on things we are thankful for improves mood and resilience. O'Kane emphasizes making it a ritual during the "Ready" practice by naming three things you are grateful for daily.

The process continues with grounding visualization. Imagine a peaceful landscape and focus on this calming picture. This step solidifies an empowering sense of emotional equilibrium, which prepares you to handle challenges.

Examples

• A stressful morning can be softened by gratitude for small joys, like a fresh cup of tea.
• Grounding imagery, like a serene lake, can pull you out of spiraling thoughts.
• Gratitude for supportive colleagues can reshape a tense workday mindset.

5. Steady Yourself Midday

Tough moments throughout the day can leave anyone rattled. "Steady," the second self-therapy step, involves taking three minutes to recalibrate, ideally after lunch. Reflect on your day's emotional challenges and achievements so far.

Think about whether negative triggers stemmed from anything said or done and assess if they reflect outdated beliefs. Recognize positive steps you’ve already taken and contemplate how to incorporate more, like movement or self-care.

O’Kane also advocates performing acts of kindness to shift focus away from self-absorption. Whether it's a smile for a stranger or helping someone carry groceries, giving to others has mutual emotional benefits.

Examples

• A bad meeting becomes an opportunity to reflect constructively instead of engaging in self-criticism.
• A walk outside can double as mindfulness, reducing midday tension.
• Offering someone a compliment can lift both their day and your own spirits.

6. Kindness Is a Two-Way Street

Engaging with others through kindness enhances perspectives. O’Kane shares that interactions with strangers can be especially uplifting. When we focus less on ourselves and more on others, our burdens feel lighter.

Such kindness doesn’t need to be grandiose. Small gestures, like holding the door open or expressing genuine thanks, build human connection and resilience, particularly during tough times.

Examples

• Buying coffee for the next person in line can create a ripple of goodwill.
• Pausing to listen to a coworker instead of rushing past can make them feel valued.
• Kindness towards a stranger in need reaffirms shared humanity.

7. Unpack Emotional Baggage at Bedtime

Leaving unresolved issues at the end of the day can disrupt mental rest. O’Kane’s bedtime practice, "Reflect and Reset," encourages journaling about stressful events using specific prompts: event, interpretation, emotional consequence, and closure.

By objectively listing facts and questioning rigid beliefs or negative emotions tied to them, you create space to leave the day behind. This prevents rumination, allowing for restorative sleep.

Examples

• Reframing criticism at work as a learning opportunity instead of a personal attack.
• Writing a note about gratitude for solutions rather than dwelling on problems.
• Visualizing challenges washed away through a cleansing bedtime ritual.

8. Learn from Emotional Impressions

Unpacking uncomfortable interactions can lead to unexpected wisdom. O'Kane reminds us that deeply charged feelings, whether pleasant or painful, often house lessons about our desires, fears, or values.

By reviewing standout moments from the day, you build self-awareness. This practice helps uncover recurring emotional themes and cultivates personal growth.

Examples

• Overreacting during a disagreement might highlight a need to improve assertiveness.
• Noticing joy from mentoring someone might reveal untapped leadership skills.
• Pinpointing stress triggers can make future goal-setting more realistic.

9. A Deeper Connection Brings Perspective

Connecting to something larger than oneself at night fosters calm and resilience. Whether through faith, nature, or a broader sense of purpose, tapping into "the bigger picture" can reframe daily challenges.

O'Kane sees this as a moment to let go of trivial irritations and feel supported by something greater than individual struggles.

Examples

• Meditating on vast starry skies lowers feelings of overwhelm from minor deadlines.
• Reciting affirmations like "I am safe and supported" builds emotional security.
• Reflecting on interconnectedness eases isolation during tough times.

Takeaways

1. Use the "Ready" routine each morning – check-in, set needs, practice gratitude, and ground yourself.
2. Midday, reflect and regain emotional balance with the "Steady" practice. Incorporate physical movement.
3. End your day with "Reflect and Reset" to process emotions, learn lessons, and foster calm before sleep.