How to Fail

What if failure isn’t the end, but the very way we get to where we’re supposed to go?

1. Failing to fit in can make you stronger.

Elizabeth Day reflects on her early life and how failing to fit in helped shape her. Growing up English in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, she faced teasing and exclusion simply for her accent. While painful, this experience taught her how to adapt and observe those around her. These skills became vital in her later career as a journalist and writer.

Many notable figures, like actress Christina Hendricks and activist Gina Miller, also experienced bullying in their youth but emerged stronger. Hendricks invented a new, bold persona to defend herself, which sparked her love for acting. Similarly, Miller faced relentless bullying in boarding school yet developed resilience through kindness, a strategy that later helped her endure political attacks.

The lessons here are profound: when life pushes us out of our comfort zone, we can develop valuable traits like determination and emotional toughness. These traits don’t just help us survive tough times but also prepare us for future success.

Examples

• Elizabeth Day used the skills of quiet observation in her career as a journalist.
• Christina Hendricks turned bullying into an avenue to explore acting and create personas.
• Gina Miller developed resilience that helped her through intense public scrutiny.

2. Failed tests are teachers of humility and resilience.

Day’s driving test failure crushed her at first, but it taught her to embrace setbacks. Her second attempt succeeded because she came in feeling less pressured, understanding that evaluations can be subjective. This experience made her realize how often “failure” rests on circumstance rather than merit.

Other stories emphasize similar themes. Writer Dolly Alderton, rejected by her dream college, learned humility and realized that life isn’t always easy or predictable. Our twenties are an especially ripe time to fail, experiment, and learn. Day recounts her 20s as a whirlwind of hard work and relationships, revealing that rushing to meet society’s expectations can cloud our understanding of our personal goals.

Failing isn’t just about losing—it’s about recalibrating. Often, our early missteps set the stage for long-term personal growth, provided we’re willing to embrace the lessons.

Examples

• Day learned to approach her driving test with less pressure and passed on her second try.
• Dolly Alderton’s college rejection encouraged her to shed entitlement.
• Missteps in Day’s twenties helped her reflect on what she genuinely wanted in life.

3. Failed relationships reveal what we’re missing.

Day’s marriage involved falling into traditional roles—juggling work, chores, and emotional labor without considering her own needs. This led to her divorce and, ultimately, to self-discovery. Post-divorce, she traveled and reflected, coming to terms with the fact that her past relationships were built on seeking safety and completion in others.

Failure in relationships isn’t just about heartbreak—it’s about understanding yourself. Day learned to stop over-prioritizing her partners’ needs and started valuing her own desires. Even with the rise of online dating—where everything feels curated and impersonal—she came to appreciate failed dates as steps toward knowing her boundaries.

Learning what doesn’t work in love can be as empowering as finding what does. Each failed relationship teaches us what it means to love ourselves first.

Examples

• Post-divorce, Day’s stay in Los Angeles gave her space to redefine herself.
• Online dating’s failures helped her pinpoint her values in a partner.
• She learned to prioritize self-worth over others’ validation in relationships.

4. Celebrity perfection is mostly an illusion.

Day’s experience trying to live like Gwyneth Paltrow for a week stripped away the myths of celebrity lifestyles. From expensive facials to grueling narcissistic exercise classes, maintaining this level of perfection requires immense wealth and free time, making it utterly unattainable for the average person.

The media bombards us with idealized images, creating unrealistic standards, especially for women. By immersing herself in Paltrow’s world, Day realized that even these celebrities rely on an expensive, infrastructure-like system to pull off their seemingly effortless lives.

The message is liberating: perfection isn’t the goal. Instead of chasing impossible standards, we need to focus on building real, meaningful lives that reflect our own values.

Examples

• A $2,000 facial and calorie-burning sweat lodge demonstrated the inaccessibility of celebrity routines.
• Day found the Tracy Anderson workout class to exemplify the self-absorption encouraged in such environments.
• Celebrity-driven lifestyles underscore the unattainability of media-crafted perfection.

5. Friendships are lifelines, but they require care.

Day's struggle with losing her childhood best friend Susan highlights how deeply friendships affect us, even decades later. She learned that true friendships need nurturing, understanding, and sometimes, the strength to let go when life takes friends on different paths.

Later in life, Day discovered the transformative potential of supportive friendships. Take Phoebe Waller-Bridge and her best friend Vicky Jones—their collaboration not only fueled professional brilliance but also strengthened their personal bond. For Day, her closest friends helped her navigate her divorce and find her footing in tough times.

Friendships provide emotional sustenance that romantic relationships often can’t replicate. Maintaining and valuing these bonds can profoundly enrich our lives.

Examples

• Day’s hesitance to form close friendships stemmed from eventually losing Susan.
• Waller-Bridge tapped into her friendship with Vicky Jones to fuel her creative work.
• After her divorce, Day’s friends acted as her strongest support system.

6. Failing to have children is a tough reality to face.

Day’s journey through infertility, miscarriages, and IVF illustrates how deeply personal and painful our unfulfilled dreams can be. Raised to believe having kids was part of her destiny, she struggled when life didn’t align with that expectation.

Her experiences of physical and emotional difficulty during IVF revealed systemic insensitivity in medical institutions. In spite of these challenges, Day is carving a new sense of self—one not centered around motherhood but rather personal fulfillment.

Shifting societal narratives, such as Elizabeth Gilbert’s advocacy for choosing a child-free life, have shown that happiness doesn’t hinge on parenthood. Day’s story encourages acceptance and redefinition of what it means to lead a complete life.

Examples

• Day endured painful procedures like uterine scratching without guarantees.
• IVF pressures strained her marriage but also brought her clarity.
• Influencers like Elizabeth Gilbert shift the narrative on child-free living.

7. Women’s anger is finally being valued.

For centuries, women’s anger was dismissed or punished. From Rosa Parks being mischaracterized as gentle to the systemic silencing of countless women’s voices, anger has been treated as unacceptable for women. But Day emphasizes that female anger, whether personal or societal, carries tremendous transformative power.

The Me Too movement marked a turning point, with women worldwide finding their voices and tapping into their anger for meaningful change. Day experienced her own struggles with confronting inappropriate male behavior but, like many other women, grew more comfortable recognizing and standing against it over time.

Female anger isn’t a defect—it’s a critical force for justice and empowerment. By embracing it, rather than suppressing it, real progress becomes possible.

Examples

• Day recalls internalizing blame instead of becoming angry at inappropriate male conduct.
• Me Too empowered countless women to share their stories.
• Historical figures like Rosa Parks changed the world with righteous anger.

8. Success on paper doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Day has spoken with actors like Robert Pattinson and Nicole Kidman, who both describe fame and financial success as isolating and emotionally hollow. She learned that external validation, whether through awards or accolades, often fails to bring the fulfillment we expect.

Nicole Kidman, for instance, found solace by stepping away from acting and rediscovering her personal values. Simon Pegg talks candidly about his unhappiness despite Hollywood success, and it took reevaluating his priorities to find balance.

True success comes from living authentically—aligning your work and goals with your personal happiness instead of others’ expectations.

Examples

• Nicole Kidman retreated from acting after fame caused depression.
• Simon Pegg achieved happiness only after embracing sobriety and fatherhood.
• Day shifted from worrying about critics to focusing on authenticity.

9. Failure is life’s greatest lesson.

Time and time again, Day shows that failing—whether in relationships, careers or personal goals—is not a full stop. Each seeming setback carries a hidden opportunity for growth. The essential question is not “Will I fail?” but “How will I let failure shape me?”

Failures challenge our assumptions, teach us resilience, and force us to adapt. They reveal our truest desires and help us distinguish between what matters and what doesn’t. Day encourages readers to embrace failure, not as something to fear, but as a compass pointing them to progress.

Failure isn’t the opposite of success—it’s the road to it.

Examples

• Day passed her driving test after learning from failure.
• Failed relationships taught her self-worth.
• Missteps led her to introspection and a clearer sense of her values.

Takeaways

1. Reframe failure as a learning opportunity by asking yourself, “What can I take away from this?”
2. Be open to reflection—examine whether your current path truly aligns with what you value.
3. Seek strength in friendships and communities during tough times—they’re your most steadfast support system.