I Am Not Your Baby Mother Summary

Motherhood is never described from the viewpoint of Black women in the stories society insists on telling us. This book fills that silence with truth, resilience, and perspective.

1. Motherhood Ambivalence Stemming from Childhood Hardships

Candice Brathwaite’s childhood shaped her fears about motherhood. Growing up as the eldest of three children in a single-parent household, she carried the weight of significant responsibility. Her mother battled depression and overwork, leaving Candice to assume much of the caregiving and household duties as a child. From a very young age, Candice associated motherhood with sacrifice and struggle.

These experiences, combined with negative stereotypes surrounding Black mothers in Britain – often depicted as "baby mothers" with absent partners – deeply influenced her resolve not to have children. She felt society would judge her identity before she even had a chance to shape it for herself. This led to her decision to terminate an unplanned pregnancy in her early twenties, a choice she understood as necessary for her wellbeing.

Several years later, Candice changed her perspective and chose motherhood under different circumstances. With a supportive and loving partner, she felt ready to rewrite the narrative. However, this didn’t erase her memories or fears about systemic challenges Black families inevitably face.

Examples

• Candice's mother struggled to balance work with parental responsibilities, leaving her children in vulnerable situations.
• The stereotype of the "baby mother" reinforced her fears of societal judgment.
• Her grandmother's support after terminating her first pregnancy helped her rebuild emotional strength.

2. Racist Assumptions About Black Fathers Take a Toll

Candice’s pregnancy experience shed light on the prejudice embedded in healthcare. A doctor questioning the involvement of her child’s father reflected a prejudiced assumption tied to the stereotype of absentee Black fathers. Rather than focusing on health, Candice was navigating someone else’s bias.

This experience contradicted her life’s examples. Her grandfather, an active paternal figure during her formative years, cared deeply for her and helped instill self-worth. Her biological father, though separated from her mother, stayed an active part of her life. Candice’s partner, Bode, also opposed these racist portrayals. By witnessing his dedication both to Candice and his child from a previous relationship, she knew her family’s story was different from unfair media projections.

While some Black fathers are less involved due to a variety of circumstances, Candice argues that systemic barriers also contribute. Instead of condemning individuals, we must consider how institutional racism impacts Black families.

Examples

• A doctor questioning her partner’s role perpetuated harmful stereotypes.
• Her grandfather led household tasks with care, reshaping ideas of masculinity.
• Media rarely highlights positive portrayals of committed Black fathers.

3. Poverty Impacts Generational Opportunities

Candice and Bode were financially struggling when preparing for their child, but they were determined to give their baby a better life. This determination even led Candice to obsess over buying a high-end Bugaboo stroller, a symbol of affluence and opportunity.

Candice’s fixation on appearances came from lived experiences. Growing up, her family’s poverty led to frequent moves and displacement. She saw that material presentation often shaped how others perceived and treated her family. For Black parents, ensuring their children "looked the part" could sometimes mean shielding them from harsh societal biases linked to poverty.

Carving out opportunities remains difficult when systemic barriers keep wealth concentrated. Beyond outward appearances, the economic struggle for Black parents often includes supporting extended families or facing unequal access to home ownership. These disadvantages make it harder to pass down generational wealth, widening racial inequities.

Examples

• Even as adults, Black British families often assist relatives abroad, limiting savings.
• First-time British homebuyers often borrow generational wealth – a luxury unavailable for many Black families.
• Candice saved relentlessly to afford the Bugaboo stroller to rewrite narratives about her child's potential.

4. A Name Carries Weight in a Racist Society

The choice of a name was an exhaustively considered decision for Candice. Though it seems simple, a Black child's name has profound consequences for how they are perceived and treated in society. The legacy of slavery and the historical stripping of African names, as reflected in the film Roots, framed Candice’s understanding of this issue.

Candice knew that racial bias around names couldn’t be ignored. Studies show that ethnic-sounding names are less likely to succeed in job applications, as recruiters often make assumptions based solely on names. Aware of this, she opted to give her child a name that would allow her to “hide in plain sight” and bypass unnecessary discrimination.

At the same time, balancing cultural pride and protection was challenging. Candice didn’t want to erase her child’s Black identity, but she sought to shield them from systemic barriers. The choice to conform or resist was not straightforward but filled with subtle complexities.

Examples

• The film Roots reflected how enslaved individuals had to relinquish their African identities.
• A 2009 study found that university applicants with names linked to ethnic minorities faced bias.
• Beyoncé’s wealth affords her freedom to choose unique names for her children without societal repercussions.

5. Healthcare Neglect Endangers Black Mothers

Post-birth complications became a life-threatening ordeal for Candice. Despite voicing concerns about symptoms like night sweats, dizziness, and swelling, her worries were dismissed by medical staff. Only when she nearly died from sepsis was urgent action finally taken.

This experience speaks to broader systemic failures in healthcare for Black women. Statistics reveal stark disparities – Black British mothers are five times likelier to die during childbirth, and their babies face worse outcomes compared to white counterparts. Medical professionals often dismiss their complaints, assuming Black women can tolerate more pain or invalidating their perspectives entirely.

Candice’s recovery was long and painful, both physically and emotionally. However, surviving this ordeal further galvanized her awareness of the need to advocate for better maternal care and systemic changes within healthcare systems.

Examples

• Black British women are significantly more likely to die during childbirth than white women.
• Like Candice, Serena Williams experienced unacceptable healthcare negligence during her own pregnancy.
• Symptoms of sepsis were disregarded until Candice was critically ill.

6. Postnatal Depression Is Real, Not a Weakness

Following a traumatic health experience, Candice struggled emotionally. Postnatal depression made daily life overwhelming, as it left her disconnected from her daughter and unable to manage the duties of new motherhood. Addressing mental health wasn’t easy, as stigma in her community discouraged vulnerability.

Seeking help required breaking her silence. With her mother’s guidance, Candice began antidepressants and started opening up to her partner about her feelings. Gradually, these steps helped her reconnect with herself and her role as a mother.

Years later, Candice recognized the pattern of Black women being expected to remain endlessly strong and self-sufficient. By speaking about her journey, she hoped to help other Black mothers find the courage to seek support without shame.

Examples

• Exhaustion from caregiving exacerbated Candice’s depression but went unspoken at first.
• Her mother, having battled depression herself, encouraged her to seek medical treatment.
• By sharing her story, Candice has inspired other Black mothers to talk about mental health.

7. Finding Safety Demands Sacrifices

Rising crime and gang activity in London pushed Candice to relocate to a quieter suburban area. These changes, driven by government austerity measures, disproportionately affected Black communities, leaving young men vulnerable to crime or heavy police scrutiny.

However, moving to a predominantly white area came with its own challenges. Racist comments and incidents affected her daughter in school, forcing Candice to grapple with the double-edged sword of safety versus inclusion. Despite these difficulties, she remained steadfast in her decision, emphasizing long-term safety for her children.

This relocation was not an escape from racism but a different kind of adaptation. It highlighted how racism exists in various forms, whether overt violence or microaggressions in spaces deemed “safer.”

Examples

• London austerity measures shut down youth programs in Black communities.
• Knife crime escalated during the years leading to their move.
• In suburban schools, Candice’s daughter faced racial bullying brushed off by authorities.

8. Breaking the Silence on Motherhood

Candice noticed glaring gaps in media’s portrayal of mothers. Mothers of color were largely erased from glossy magazines or social media platforms dedicated to parenting. Instead of waiting for representation, she became the voice she wished to see by starting a blog.

Her platform tackled taboo topics like mental health, financial struggles, and genuine stories of Black families thriving, not just surviving. It resonated widely, inspiring diverse families to share personal stories that challenged stereotypes in mainstream media.

By creating Make Motherhood Diverse, Candice united voices from different parenting experiences. Together, they’re reshaping what it means to embrace authentic motherhood.

Examples

• Candice’s blogging gave her a space to openly discuss postnatal depression.
• Traditionally, glossy parenting media excluded nonwhite mothers’ experiences.
• Make Motherhood Diverse showcases stories of families from all walks of life.

9. Embracing Authenticity and Joy

Despite societal challenges, Candice’s journey reveals that Black motherhood can be joyful. By fighting stereotypes and creating space for honest dialogue, she’s empowered not only herself but also others to celebrate diverse versions of what motherhood looks like today.

Candice’s success as a writer and speaker proves that staying true to her voice can change the narrative for future generations. Her journey highlights the power of resilience, honesty, and tackling bias head-on.

Examples

• Her memoir openly confronts societal judgment yet highlights family love.
• Writing became a therapeutic outlet for Candice, allowing reflection and growth.
• Others share how her work shifted their perspectives on representation in media.

Takeaways

1. Be intentional with small choices that protect your children’s futures, such as considering name bias.
2. Speak up against biased systems, even in everyday settings like schools or hospitals.
3. Create safe, inclusive spaces for conversations that challenge existing prejudices, whether in-person or online.