It's OK That You're Not OK Summary

"Grief isn’t a problem to fix; it’s an experience to tend to." Megan Devine challenges the way we perceive and support those mourning a loss by urging us to embrace grief as a natural part of life instead of something we need to overcome.

1. Society’s perception of grief diminishes its depth

Modern society often mishandles grief, reducing it to simplistic platitudes and devaluing its profound impact. Many believe that phrases like "everything happens for a reason" or seeing death as a "spiritual lesson" offer comfort, but instead, they alienate those mourning.

These dismissal methods often stem from discomfort. People want grief to feel manageable, so they try to package it with lessons or purpose. For example, telling a grieving parent that their child's loss has "greater meaning" discounts the agony of the event. It implies an unacceptable need for justification.

Furthermore, turning grief into a competition—like comparing personal losses—minimizes the uniqueness of one’s pain. When someone shares their own story without being asked, it redirects the focus away from the griever and invalidates their feelings. Society needs to stop measuring grief in degrees and instead honor its individuality.

Examples

• "Everything happens for a reason" is often said but rarely received well, especially in sudden or tragic losses.
• The five-stage grief model boxes people into expectations of how mourning should progress, leaving those outside its order feeling "broken."
• Unwanted empathy stories from others, rather than providing solace, can inadvertently alienate the grieving person.

2. Grief is not a problem to be "fixed"

Many people view grief as an issue to solve or a phase to escape when, in reality, it’s a lifelong adjustment. Encouraging someone to "move on" suggests an unrealistic end point to their sorrow.

Grief is deeply personal. For example, some people take off their wedding rings soon after losing a spouse, while others may wear them forever. Judgment surrounding these decisions pushes undue pressure on grievers to conform to societal norms. Grief doesn’t have a deadline or universal rules.

Even well-meaning spiritual advice, such as viewing grief as a test of faith, can exclude those who feel anger or helplessness. Instead of forcing "solutions," those around the grieving need to create spaces for them to feel safe in expressing their pain and navigating it in their own way.

Examples

• Social expectations around "letting go" or "moving on" often result in premature decisions, like cleaning out a loved one’s possessions.
• Acquaintances offering faith-based solutions to grief can unintentionally dampen the mourner’s ability to process their pain authentically.
• Phrases like “you’ll get over it” fail to respect grief’s ongoing presence in life.

3. Pain is inevitable, but suffering can sometimes be avoided

Grief brings unavoidable pain due to the love and connection shared with the deceased. But unnecessary suffering, often caused by societal expectations, can be minimized.

For example, you don’t need to attend every memorial service or respond to every condolence message if it’s too overwhelming. Delegating tasks and opting out of obligations provides crucial breathing room. Ignoring these self-set boundaries can lead to resentment or burnout.

Moreover, people-pleasing can magnify suffering. Mourning individuals often face invasive opinions, lengthy advice, or insensitive questions that add emotional weight. By recognizing personal limits and setting protective boundaries, grievers can better focus on processing their loss.

Examples

• Declining to speak to others at the funeral is acceptable if the griever doesn’t feel ready to interact.
• Choosing the timing of rituals, like scattering ashes or commemorating an anniversary, should remain entirely personal.
• Accepting limited emotional capacity during these times and responding selectively to messages allows for much-needed space.

4. Grief profoundly impacts both mind and body

The stress of grief doesn’t only affect emotions; it extends into physical and cognitive abilities, further complicating the mourning process.

Cognitive symptoms like memory loss, difficulty thinking clearly, and questioning life's meaning can feel disorienting. Perhaps a grieving person repeatedly forgets personal items or struggles to complete daily tasks. These slips are natural as their mind overworks itself by processing intense emotions.

Similarly, physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, or unusual body aches may emerge. Some even develop new afflictions mirroring what their lost loved ones endured. Grief demands many physical resources, and the body reacts in ways that may feel out of control.

Examples

• Forgetting keys or appointments frequently is a common experience tied to ongoing mental stress.
• Grievers often fall into irregular sleep patterns caused by emotional overactivity.
• Bodily aches, such as headaches or tension, sometimes mimic the deceased's illnesses due to shared stress or energy.

5. Self-awareness is a crucial tool in managing stress

Grief can feel overwhelming, but small, observable practices can reduce the added stress symptoms. Tuning in to how certain moments or routines affect energy levels makes a significant difference.

By writing down how you feel and noting patterns, you can start noticing what soothes or worsens your emotions. For example, does seeing certain people drain you? Are solitary activities helpful? Taking stock of these micro-experiences provides insight into needed adjustments.

Expressive outlets—like journaling or painting—also create healthy pathways for emotions that otherwise feel stuck or scattered. Turning pain into tangible action encourages clarity amid chaos.

Examples

• Maintaining a stress diary ensures small patterns, like social exhaustion, are better managed.
• Writing a letter to the deceased or painting an abstract of your emotions validates suppressed feelings.
• Adjusting routines, such as changing daily environments, can be restorative for energy.

6. Grieving has no fixed timeline or resolution

The idea that grief decreases through time is a myth. A person might feel more saddened during the second or third year of loss than the first as they begin grasping its permanence.

Rituals of remembrance often help; for instance, celebrating anniversaries or reflecting during holidays makes space for connection while acknowledging ongoing emotion. But even years later, moments of intense sorrow can reappear unexpectedly. Mourning is fluid.

Rather than moving on, individuals should integrate their grief into a continuing life story. Accepting its enduring presence transforms their lives rather than waiting for healing to erase the pain.

Examples

• Annual reminders, such as birthdays or holidays, can reignite grief long after the initial incident.
• Physical reminders, such as clothing or shared memories, anchor someone’s connection to the deceased.
• Letting grief show up unannounced removes pressure to modify long-term emotions artificially.

7. Emotional and social authenticity encourages healing

True healing comes from honest acknowledgment versus suppressing vulnerability. Whether this involves crying openly or admitting feelings of fear to someone trusted, sharing emotions builds strength.

This openness extends to communication with those providing support. Having conversations around unhelpful advice is a key, if uncomfortable, step in navigating post-loss relationships. Being honest about what works ensures future interactions remain respectful and helpful.

Examples

• Admitting wanting to quit life temporarily after loss can build honest connections.
• Educating well-meaning but dismissive friends on proper support gives them tools to improve.
• Allowing for both anger and laughter during grief helps maintain emotional balance.

8. Grief requires community, but not everyone qualifies

Support from friends and family is helpful, but relationships may change. Some well-meaning people lack the capacity or understanding to walk alongside someone mourning.

Identifying those who truly support rather than alienate lets you form a core team. These are the individuals with patience, offering presence without prescriptions or unsolicited advice.

Grievers must also let go of relationships that bring further tension. Leveraging true allies nurtures the long journey ahead.

Examples

• An old friend may provide unmatched comfort when simply listening without judgment.
• Family disagreements often spike during funerals when misunderstandings arise.
• Dropping relationships lacking grace creates more mental space for supportive ones.

9. Life with grief can grow meaningful

Living meaningfully alongside grief requires building a recovered identity around mourning. Honest reflection and anchoring visuals help frame future ways to honor loss.

Recovery images—like envisioning connection over time or imagining subtle hope in chaos—work as mental guideposts. Grievers may revisit them when emotional waves seem directionless.

Honoring grief means finding methods personal to the mourner. Whether this is quietly revisiting traditions or introducing new ones, the ultimate goal is fulfillment alongside sorrow.

Examples

• A parent writing journals to their deceased child for years sustains their bond.
• Visualizations like imagining personal roots rebuilding stability maintain emotional navigation.
• Rededicating life pursuits (e.g., job or hobbies) honors relationships lost but cherished.

Takeaways

1. Create space for individual grieving methods by forgoing societal pressures or one-size-fits-all timelines.
2. Maintain daily body-mind self-care practices like keeping a journal or modifying routines to observe stress signs.
3. Start building a robust support network by distinguishing between those who truly listen and imposing individuals.