In today's fast-paced, hyperconnected world, it's all too easy to lose touch with our true selves. We often find ourselves going through the motions, following others' expectations, and living lives that don't align with our deepest values and desires. Sara Kuburic's book "It's On Me" offers a guide to reconnecting with our authentic selves and living more fulfilling lives.
Introduction: The Call to Authenticity
Imagine waking up each day feeling disconnected from yourself, your purpose, and the world around you. You go through your daily routine on autopilot, barely noticing the experiences you're having or the choices you're making. This scenario is all too common in our modern world, where distractions abound and external pressures often dictate our actions.
"It's On Me" is a wake-up call for those who feel they've lost touch with their true selves. It's an invitation to embark on a journey of self-discovery and authenticity. Kuburic argues that by reconnecting with our core identity, values, and purpose, we can overcome anxiety, depression, and a lack of fulfillment. The book offers practical insights and exercises to help readers peel away the layers obscuring their true selves and reclaim their freedom, vitality, and sense of purpose.
The Perils of Self-Loss
To understand the importance of living authentically, we must first recognize the dangers of self-loss. Kuburic introduces us to Alex, a fictional character who exemplifies the disconnected life many of us lead:
Alex's day begins with mindless social media scrolling, barely awake. She rushes through her morning routine, fixating on her upcoming tasks and others' perceptions of her. At work, she goes through the motions, eating lunch without tasting it. Her evenings are filled with more distractions - Netflix, drinks with friends, and yet more social media. As days blur together, Alex sinks deeper into a life of disconnection from herself.
This state of self-loss manifests in several ways:
- Emotional disconnection: We avoid, suppress, or escape our feelings rather than fully experiencing and processing them.
- Physical disconnection: We ignore, misuse, or objectify our bodies.
- Relational issues: Our relationships become unhealthy as we seek external validation instead of inner fulfillment.
- Lack of direction: We struggle with ambiguous values and ethics, losing our sense of purpose and meaning.
Kuburic likens self-loss to living in a burning room. The flames of disconnection threaten our authentic existence, but we often ignore the danger signs. To avoid getting burned, we must recognize the threat and take responsibility for our lives, reconnecting with who we truly are and what makes us feel alive.
Understanding the Self: Essence vs. Existence
To embark on the journey of authentic living, it's crucial to understand what we mean by the "Self." Kuburic explores two main perspectives that have emerged over centuries of philosophical thought:
Essentialism: This view proposes that each person has an inherent essence - a true and permanent nature they were born with and are meant to embody.
Existentialism: This perspective sees individuals as free agents who determine their own development through their choices and actions.
Kuburic focuses on the existentialist view, which suggests that we exist first and then create our essence through how we live and the choices we make. From this standpoint, authenticity means acting in alignment with the Self we're continually creating through our actions and experiences.
Key aspects of the existentialist perspective include:
- Freedom and responsibility: We're "condemned" to be free, always in the process of becoming. This freedom demands constant choice and responsibility.
- Authenticity through action: We define ourselves through our choices and experiences, not through some predetermined essence.
- Embracing discomfort: Authentic living requires accepting the discomfort of change and self-reflection.
- Creating meaning: We have the ability to create new meaning through our choices and actions, even in the face of difficult experiences.
Making Space for Authenticity
To reconnect with our authentic selves, we need to create space - both literally and metaphorically. Kuburic illustrates this concept with the story of Nina, a perfectionist whose rigid routines were disrupted by a breakup. On a whim, Nina took a solo trip to Thailand, where she rediscovered a spontaneous, easygoing side of herself that had been buried beneath her own expectations.
Creating space involves:
Disrupting ingrained routines: This forces us to make more conscious choices and gain new perspectives on our problems.
Reflecting on our past and present: We need space to consider how past wounds have shaped us, which relationships nurture us, and which beliefs limit or empower us.
Decluttering: This applies not just to physical possessions, but also to harmful thought patterns, destructive behaviors, self-limiting beliefs, and unhelpful comparisons with others.
Letting go: Releasing attachments to past versions of ourselves allows us to step fully into who we are now and who we hope to become.
Building healthy habits: As we create more space, we can establish routines that support our authentic selves.
The process of making space allows our authentic identity - our inner truth - to unfold and guide our actions. It's about unraveling the roles, assumptions, and relationships that have distracted us from our real selves.
Reconnecting with the Body
An essential aspect of reconnecting with our authentic selves is rebuilding our relationship with our physical bodies. Many of us have become disconnected from our corporeal forms, prioritizing mental tasks and responsibilities over sensing, moving, and truly inhabiting our bodies.
Kuburic offers two powerful practices to help readers dissolve barriers and connect with their physical selves:
Authentic Movement Practice:
- Find a private space where you can move freely.
- Put on music that reflects your current mood.
- Create a calm, pleasant setting (e.g., light candles, open windows).
- Let your body move however it wants, without trying to look elegant or follow a routine.
- Pay attention to any judgments or emotions that arise.
- Notice what parts of your body are communicating through sensations, tensions, or ease.
- Reflect on what came up for you physically and emotionally during the practice.
Intentional Breathing Practice:
- Start by noticing your breath without trying to change it.
- Take a deep inhale, filling your lungs completely.
- Hold your breath until you feel compelled to exhale.
- Fully empty your lungs until you naturally need to inhale again.
- Repeat this cycle, focusing on the transition points where you're not in control of your breath.
- Notice the wisdom of your body in guiding your breathing.
These practices help build body awareness, release stagnant energy, and reconnect us to our inner wisdom. By making them regular habits, we can restore presence, vitality, and intimacy with our inner truth.
Embracing Our Emotional Selves
Many of us have complicated relationships with our emotions. Society often devalues feelings as unimportant, irrational, or signs of weakness. As a result, we learn to suppress, ignore, or judge our own emotions from a young age. We internalize the message that emotions are dangerous, useless, or unacceptable, leading us to numb, deny, and resist our feelings out of fear, discomfort, or stigma.
However, Kuburic argues that learning to turn toward our feelings with curiosity and compassion can open pathways to living meaningfully. She shares an interesting insight from neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor: the natural lifespan of an emotion is only about 90 seconds. Once triggered, it's like a computer program that runs its course in just a minute and a half.
So why do emotions sometimes seem to linger? It's because of our thoughts. The stories we tell ourselves about the emotion, ourselves, and others can trigger the feeling again and again. Alternatively, we might notice an emotion and then decide to suppress it instead of accepting and experiencing it. Paradoxically, this resistance often serves to prolong the emotional experience.
Kuburic offers a helpful tip for dealing with overwhelming emotions: try to identify one or two other emotions that are also present within you. For example, if you're feeling angry, you might also notice restlessness, sadness, physical hunger, or even positive emotions like satisfaction or relief. By tuning into the full spectrum of your emotional experience, you can get a more complete picture of yourself and reframe your strongest emotion.
From an existential standpoint, emotions play a crucial role in pointing us toward what's important in our lives. They are what move the Self. Kuburic encourages readers to reflect on questions like:
- In the last week or month, what has brought you joy?
- What's made you excited?
- What's made you feel despair?
By investigating the answers to these questions, we can uncover what truly matters in our lives and align our actions accordingly.
The Journey to Authentic Living
Living authentically is not a destination but an ongoing journey. It requires perseverance, courage, and radical introspection. Kuburic emphasizes that this journey asks us to unravel the false narratives and habits that are currently obscuring our innermost truths.
Some key aspects of this journey include:
Taking responsibility: Authentic living means accepting responsibility for our choices and priorities. We must recognize that we have the power to shape our lives through our decisions and actions.
Consistent self-reflection: Regular introspection helps us stay connected with our values, desires, and authentic selves. This might involve journaling, meditation, or simply setting aside time for quiet contemplation.
Challenging societal expectations: Often, the roles and expectations placed on us by society don't align with our true selves. Part of living authentically is learning to recognize and challenge these external pressures.
Embracing vulnerability: Authentic living often requires us to be vulnerable, sharing our true selves with others even when it feels risky.
Practicing self-compassion: As we uncover aspects of ourselves that we've long ignored or suppressed, it's crucial to approach ourselves with kindness and understanding.
Aligning actions with values: Once we've identified our core values, the challenge becomes living in accordance with them. This might involve making difficult decisions or changes in our lives.
Cultivating mindfulness: Being present in the moment helps us stay connected with our authentic selves and make choices that align with our true desires.
Building authentic relationships: As we become more authentic, we may find that some relationships no longer serve us. Part of the journey is cultivating connections that support and celebrate our true selves.
Embracing imperfection: Authenticity doesn't mean perfection. It means accepting ourselves, flaws and all, and striving for growth rather than an unattainable ideal.
Celebrating small wins: The journey to authentic living is often filled with small, incremental changes. Recognizing and celebrating these can help maintain motivation and momentum.
The Rewards of Authentic Living
While the journey to authentic living can be challenging, the rewards are profound. Kuburic highlights several benefits of reconnecting with our true selves:
Increased self-awareness: As we peel away the layers obscuring our authentic selves, we gain a deeper understanding of who we are, what we want, and what truly matters to us.
Improved mental health: By addressing the root causes of our disconnection, we can alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.
More fulfilling relationships: When we show up as our authentic selves, we attract and cultivate relationships based on genuine connection rather than false pretenses.
Greater sense of purpose: Aligning our actions with our true values and desires leads to a stronger sense of meaning and purpose in life.
Increased resilience: When we're grounded in our authentic selves, we're better equipped to handle life's challenges and setbacks.
Enhanced creativity: Connecting with our true selves often unlocks creative potential that may have been suppressed by societal expectations or self-doubt.
Improved physical health: As we reconnect with our bodies and honor their needs, we often experience improvements in physical well-being.
Greater personal freedom: By letting go of false narratives and expectations, we free ourselves to live life on our own terms.
Increased energy and vitality: When we're no longer expending energy maintaining a false self, we often find we have more energy for the things that truly matter.
Deeper spiritual connection: For many, the journey to authentic living leads to a deeper sense of connection with something greater than themselves.
Practical Steps for Authentic Living
Kuburic offers several practical steps readers can take to begin their journey toward authentic living:
Daily reflection: Set aside time each day for self-reflection. This could involve journaling, meditation, or simply quiet contemplation.
Body scan practice: Regularly check in with your body, noticing any areas of tension or discomfort. This helps rebuild the mind-body connection.
Emotion tracking: Keep a log of your emotions throughout the day. Notice patterns and triggers without judgment.
Values clarification: Spend time identifying your core values. Consider how your current life aligns (or doesn't align) with these values.
Authentic communication: Practice expressing your true thoughts and feelings in your relationships, starting with those you trust most.
Mindfulness exercises: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine to stay present and connected with yourself.
Decluttering challenge: Regularly assess your physical and mental space, letting go of things that no longer serve your authentic self.
Boundary setting: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries that protect your authentic self and energy.
Creativity exploration: Engage in creative activities that allow you to express your authentic self, whether through art, writing, music, or other forms.
Nature connection: Spend time in nature regularly, using it as a space for reflection and reconnection with your true self.
Conclusion: The Ongoing Journey of Authenticity
"It's On Me" serves as both a wake-up call and a roadmap for those seeking to live more authentically. Kuburic reminds us that the journey to authentic living is ongoing and often challenging, but the rewards are immeasurable.
By creating space for self-discovery, reconnecting with our bodies and emotions, and taking responsibility for our choices, we can begin to peel away the layers that obscure our true selves. The result is a life of greater freedom, fulfillment, and alignment with our deepest values and desires.
As we embark on this journey, it's important to remember that authenticity is not about reaching a fixed destination. Rather, it's about continually choosing to show up as our true selves, even when it's uncomfortable or challenging. It's about embracing the ongoing process of becoming, and finding joy and meaning in the journey itself.
Ultimately, the message of "It's On Me" is one of empowerment and hope. No matter how disconnected we may feel, we always have the power to reconnect with our authentic selves. By taking responsibility for our lives and committing to the journey of self-discovery, we can create lives that truly reflect who we are at our core.
The path to authentic living may not always be easy, but as Kuburic reminds us, the alternative - a life of disconnection and inauthenticity - is far more costly. So take that first step, create some space, listen to your body and emotions, and begin the rewarding journey of living as your truest self. After all, it's on you - and the life you create through your choices and actions is yours to define.