Nonviolent Communication

“How you communicate with others can either build bridges or put up walls—choose how you use your words wisely.”

1. Communication Can Build or Destroy Connections

Every day we converse, yet many of those conversations feel unproductive or even end negatively. The core problem often lies in our language, which can create disconnection and conflict. Life-alienating communication sees us pass judgments, use labels, and reinforce defensiveness instead of understanding.

Research from O.J. Harvey at the University of Colorado highlights the relationship between judgmental language and societal violence. His studies found that cultures using judgment-heavy words such as "good" and "bad" witnessed higher rates of violent incidents. Labeling others inherently as "wrong" or "bad" fosters justification for punishment, creating division.

To avoid disconnect, focus on understanding instead of accusing. For instance, instead of labeling a friend as "selfish" for eating the last piece of cake, try asking, “What made you want it?” This approach steers the conversation toward common ground instead of confrontation.

Examples

• Labeling a daughter "selfish" when she wants to move out creates alienation rather than cooperation.
• A judgment like “you’re lazy” may discourage a colleague rather than motivate them.
• Replacing criticism with curiosity about motivations opens up compassionate dialogue.

2. Nonviolent Communication Encourages Compassion

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) isn’t just about words; it’s a mindset that encourages understanding, connection, and compassion. Borrowing its nonviolence ethos from Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy, NVC centers communication on empathy and mutual respect.

NVC’s process involves observing situations without judgment, recognizing your emotions, identifying needs, and crafting compassionate requests. For example, instead of yelling at your son Jim for leaving toys everywhere, you might express calmly: “Jim, when I see the toys all over, I feel frustrated because I need our shared space to be neat. Can you help move your toys to your room?”

By being deliberate with observations and clear with requests, NVC helps to communicate with clarity and kindness, even in emotionally charged moments.

Examples

• A parent voicing frustration without labeling their child enables collaboration.
• A spouse discussing shared responsibilities results in harmony rather than resentment.
• Viewing disagreements as an opportunity to recognize each other’s needs reduces friction.

3. Observation Should Be Separate from Judgment

Fusing observation with judgment leads to misunderstandings. NVC emphasizes separating these two by sticking to observable facts instead of evaluations. Clear observations focus on specific events and avoid vague generalizations.

Phrases such as “You always ignore my advice” are likely to be met with defensiveness. Instead, say, “The last three times I offered advice, you chose a different path.” This avoids critiquing character and ensures clearer communication.

Moreover, J. Krishnamurti aptly described observation without evaluation as a form of intelligence. When describing situations, focus on facts and avoid labels or preconceived notions about people that cloud clarity.

Examples

• Instead of saying “you never help,” say, “Yesterday, I handled dinner and cleaning by myself.”
• Swap “my boss is terrible” with “my boss raises his voice in meetings.”
• Rather than stereotype someone politically, ask specific questions about their views.

4. Accurately Express Your Feelings

We often oversimplify or repress our emotions, stating we feel "bad" or "fine" without specificity. However, articulating feelings exactly as they are helps others—and ourselves—understand better.

For instance, instead of saying “I feel bad,” try saying “I feel disappointed because my offer wasn’t acknowledged.” Expanding your emotional vocabulary lets you pinpoint your emotions and improves communication.

Unexpressed feelings can lead to unnecessary tension in relationships. Avoid professional or personal habits of bottling up vulnerability. Sharing emotions builds stronger connections.

Examples

• Replace “I feel okay” with “I feel nervous about the upcoming presentation.”
• Admit vulnerability with statements like “I feel overwhelmed because I didn’t get enough help.”
• Identifying being “angry” as actually being “hurt” changes the tone of the conversations.

5. Own Your Feelings and Reactions

No one "makes" us feel certain things—we own our emotional responses. NVC teaches us that while external actions might trigger emotions, they do not cause them. Taking responsibility for our feelings fosters greater clarity and emotional independence.

Imagine being told, “You’re selfish.” A common reaction involves anger or guilt, but a more constructive engagement might involve recognizing how someone else's statement is impacting your own feelings. For example: “I feel really sad hearing that because I try hard to be thoughtful—can we talk about this?”

By understanding that feelings stem from unmet personal needs, you'll be better equipped to navigate tough situations compassionately.

Examples

• Replace defensiveness with self-exploration by asking, “Why does this comment upset me?”
• Instead of guilt when blamed, use reflective questions to uncover unspoken needs.
• Channel anger into productive requests by isolating its root.

6. Identifying Needs Prevents Miscommunication

Unmet needs are often hidden underneath feelings of frustration or conflict. But instead of communicating these needs, many people play the blame game, expecting others to intuitively understand.

For instance, disliking messy kitchens might lead someone to label their partner as inconsiderate rather than expressing a desire for tidiness and exploring solutions. Clarifying needs reduces tension and paves the way for compromise.

The more explicitly you express a need, the better others can understand and offer solutions. Avoid burying your needs to avoid miscommunications or resentment.

Examples

• Express, “I need quiet after work to decompress,” instead of getting annoyed at noise.
• Replace “you don’t care” with “I need more hugs when I’m stressed—could we try that?”
• Share, “I need collaboration on chores,” to stop misunderstandings.

7. Make Requests Clear and Positive

Once you identify a need, transform it into a request stated clearly and positively. Vague or negatively phrased requests confuse others, limiting their ability to help meet your needs.

For example, “Stop being late” is unclear. Instead, saying “I’d like you to prioritize arriving promptly when we agree on a time” is actionable. Similarly, use concrete actions to make communication practical and implementable.

Concrete, positive requests reduce ambiguity and ensure others understand how they can contribute effectively.

Examples

• Instead of “Work less,” say “Let’s pick one night a week for family dinner.”
• Replace “Be better at communicating,” with “Can you text me when plans change?”
• Frame “Don’t ignore me” positively as “Could we have a phone-free meal once a day?”

8. Self-Compassion Matters in Communication

NVC isn’t just for others—it helps with how you treat yourself. Pay attention to inner judgmental self-talk. Instead of saying, “I’m always failing!”, recognize unmet needs behind these thoughts.

For example, spilling coffee before a meeting shouldn’t lead you to berate yourself. Rather than fostering guilt, think, “I’m rushing to please others. I need to take better care of my own schedule in the future.”

Self-compassion involves reframing that inner critic and listening to what your needs are trying to reveal.

Examples

• Reframe “I’m stupid for forgetting” into “I value being prepared—how can I set reminders?”
• Instead of dwelling on failure, focus deeply on what unmet expectation sparked regret.
• Compassionately acknowledge your learning opportunities without condemnation.

9. Listening with Empathy Builds Bridges

True listening involves more than hearing words; it means understanding the feelings and needs behind them. Offer the speaker empathy by paraphrasing their sentiments to show alignment.

Instead of interrupting with advice or reassurance, reflect their words back to them. For instance, if a colleague says, “I’m really overworked,” repeat: “You’re feeling overwhelmed by the workload?” This makes them feel heard and opens avenues for collaboration.

Practicing reflective listening allows others to find solutions themselves while feeling supported and validated.

Examples

• Repeat, “You’re frustrated because meetings pile up during deadlines—did I understand?”
• Use clarifying responses to steer conversations toward deeper emotional insights.
• Notice when even a neutral response like “Tell me more” helps someone open up.

Takeaways

1. Practice identifying your unmet needs during emotional reactions and articulate them proactively.
2. Reframe criticism into observations by focusing strictly on facts without judgment.
3. Regularly use paraphrasing to deepen your listening when someone expresses their feelings.