Introduction
"Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered" is a candid and engaging book by Karen Kilgariff, co-host of the wildly popular true crime podcast "My Favorite Murder." This book offers a unique blend of true crime stories, personal anecdotes, and life lessons learned from both the authors' experiences and their deep dive into the world of true crime.
The book takes readers on a journey through the lives of Karen Kilgariff and her co-host Georgia Hardstark, exploring their fascination with true crime, their personal struggles, and the valuable lessons they've learned along the way. It's not just a book about murder and mayhem; it's a story of self-discovery, mental health, friendship, and the importance of staying safe in a sometimes dangerous world.
The Birth of "My Favorite Murder"
The story of "My Favorite Murder" begins at a Halloween party in 2015. Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark met and quickly discovered their shared passion for true crime stories. This chance encounter sparked a friendship and led to the creation of their podcast, which has since become an international sensation with millions of listeners.
Both Karen and Georgia had overcome significant personal challenges before meeting, including mental health issues and eating disorders. These experiences shaped their worldviews and contributed to the unique perspective they bring to their podcast and this book.
Georgia's Journey: From Insecure Teen to Fearless Feminist
Georgia Hardstark's story is one of transformation. As a teenager, she struggled with low self-esteem, worrying about her appearance and hyperactivity. However, her life changed when she discovered the underground feminist punk movement known as Riot Grrrl. This empowering movement helped Georgia shed her doubts and become a fearless, outspoken feminist.
One of the most important lessons Georgia learned from Riot Grrrl was the difference between kindness and politeness. She realized that it was okay to say "fuck politeness" when it came to protecting herself from potential predators. This lesson came in handy one night at a bar when a man persistently tried to buy her a drink despite her refusals. Instead of accepting the drink politely, Georgia poured it onto the floor in front of him and went home.
However, Georgia's journey to self-advocacy wasn't always smooth sailing. After high school, she moved to Los Angeles and worked as a waitress. One day, a regular customer named Lawrence asked to photograph her. Despite her intuition telling her something wasn't right, Georgia agreed to go with Lawrence to a secluded location for the photoshoot.
During this encounter, Georgia feared for her safety but continued to play along, even agreeing to take her shirt off for a picture. Fortunately, Lawrence didn't harm her, but the experience left Georgia feeling ashamed and scared. It wasn't until years later, when she shared this story on the podcast, that she began to process the incident with the help of her therapist.
This experience taught Georgia an important lesson: while self-advocacy is crucial, it takes practice to master. She learned that failing to stand up for oneself in a frightening situation doesn't mean the victim is to blame for another person's actions.
Karen's Path: The Power of Therapy and True Friendship
Karen Kilgariff's journey emphasizes the importance of therapy and genuine friendships in maintaining good mental health. Karen found herself stuck in a cycle of negativity at her full-time job, constantly blaming others for problems and gossiping with coworkers. Recognizing this unhealthy pattern, she sought help from a licensed therapist.
Through therapy, Karen learned valuable lessons about friendship and personal boundaries. She realized that she had been confiding in too many people, treating casual acquaintances as close friends. Her therapist helped her understand the importance of reserving deep, personal conversations for a select few trusted individuals.
A pivotal moment in Karen's journey came during a car ride with her friend Laura. As Karen launched into yet another monologue about her unrequited romantic interest in a narcissistic man, Laura finally snapped. She bluntly told Karen that the man clearly wasn't interested and that she needed to move on. This harsh but honest feedback was a wake-up call for Karen, helping her see how obsessive she had become.
This experience taught Karen two important lessons:
- True friends are those who care enough to give you difficult but necessary advice.
- Even close friends don't want to hear constant complaints about the same problems.
Karen learned to focus on positive topics in her friendships and to rely on therapy for working through persistent issues.
Georgia's Shoplifting Incident: A Lesson in Family Support
As a child of a single mother with limited income, Georgia often felt left out compared to her more affluent classmates in Orange County. This led to a rebellious phase as a teenager, including a shoplifting habit. For Georgia, stealing was a way of taking back what she felt she deserved.
Her shoplifting spree came to an abrupt end when she was caught trying to steal a pair of earrings from a budget clothing store. Faced with the prospect of calling her parents, Georgia chose to contact her father, knowing he would be less strict than her mother.
When her father arrived to pick her up, both of them cried. This emotional moment taught Georgia a valuable lesson about family support. She realized that no matter what trouble she found herself in, she could rely on her father for help and understanding.
This incident had a lasting impact on Georgia. As she grew older, she remembered the importance of supporting friends and family, even when they make mistakes. It also helped her rebellious nature subside as she entered her twenties.
Georgia's True Crime Obsession
Georgia's fascination with true crime began long before she met Karen. It started in the 1980s when she discovered horror fiction, particularly the works of Stephen King. The fear induced by these stories became addictive for Georgia, and she soon transitioned from fictional horror to real-life crime stories.
Her true crime obsession began in earnest when she read "The Stranger Beside Me," a biography about serial killer Ted Bundy written by Ann Rule. This book turned Georgia into what would later be termed a "Murderino" – a true crime fanatic.
Initially, Georgia's interest in true crime seemed normal, as shows like "Unsolved Mysteries" and "America's Most Wanted" were popular in the 1980s. However, as she got older, she realized that her deep fascination with autopsy reports and bloodstain pattern analysis was off-putting to many people. Over time, she learned to gauge whether someone shared her interest by looking for subtle clues, like a fondness for crime-related TV shows.
Georgia's life changed dramatically at that fateful Halloween party in 2015 when she met Karen. Their shared passion for true crime led to an instant connection and the idea to start a podcast together. This meeting not only gave Georgia a lifelong friend in Karen but also connected her to millions of other true crime enthusiasts through "My Favorite Murder."
The Power of Therapy and Self-Acceptance
Unlike Karen, who started therapy as an adult, Georgia has been seeing therapists since she was six years old, following her parents' divorce. Her lifelong experience with therapy has taught her valuable lessons about self-acceptance and mental health.
One of the most important things Georgia learned is that receiving a mental health diagnosis isn't something to fear. Over the years, she has been diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD, depression, and OCD. Rather than seeing these diagnoses as setbacks, Georgia views them as tools for understanding and improving herself.
She recognizes that diagnoses serve two primary purposes:
- They provide a generalized label for symptoms, which is necessary for insurance coverage.
- They allow individuals to identify and work on specific issues.
For example, knowing that she has ADHD has enabled Georgia to work with her therapist on coping strategies, preventing the disorder from negatively impacting her career and relationships.
Georgia's experiences have also taught her that therapy can be beneficial even without a major diagnosis. A conversation with a life coach helped her reframe her struggles with motivation. Instead of waiting to feel motivated, she learned to focus on simply showing up and putting in effort, regardless of her mood.
While Georgia has had many positive experiences with therapy, she emphasizes the importance of finding the right therapist. She's learned to trust her instincts and not feel discouraged if she needs to try multiple therapists before finding the right fit.
Karen's Odd Jobs: Learning Work Ethic and Ambition
Before becoming a successful comedian, Karen Kilgariff worked various odd jobs that taught her valuable lessons about work ethic and self-sufficiency. One of her first jobs was as a clerk in a frozen yogurt shop during high school. At the time, Karen was struggling with an eating disorder, which made working around sugary foods particularly challenging.
One day, Karen's boss Thelma caught her eating yogurt and reading a book instead of working. This incident taught Karen an important lesson about workplace expectations and professionalism. Unfortunately, she didn't fully grasp this lesson until after she was fired for carving her initials into the store's fudge.
Although embarrassed about being the only one of her friends to be fired, Karen felt relieved to no longer have the temptation of unlimited free frozen yogurt. This experience helped her understand the importance of self-control and appropriate workplace behavior.
Later, Karen worked at Gap, a job that paid minimum wage and offered only part-time hours. The experience of not being able to afford the clothes she was selling, combined with the exhausting requirement to greet every customer cheerfully, motivated Karen to pursue her passion for stand-up comedy more seriously.
Fearing that she might get stuck in low-wage retail jobs forever, Karen channeled all her energy into securing stand-up gigs. Her determination and hard work eventually paid off, leading to a successful career in comedy.
These early job experiences taught Karen valuable lessons about work ethic, professionalism, and the importance of pursuing one's passions. They also reinforced the idea that becoming self-sufficient is crucial for personal safety and success in life.
Shifting the Conversation: From Victim Blaming to Predator Identification
When Georgia and Karen started "My Favorite Murder," their initial approach was to analyze true crime stories and offer safety advice to help women protect themselves from predators. However, they soon faced criticism from listeners who pointed out that this approach could be seen as victim blaming.
Suggestions like "never get into a car with a stranger" implied that victims who did so were somehow responsible for what happened to them. Recognizing the validity of this criticism, Georgia and Karen sought to shift their approach to discussing true crime.
A story about the Scarborough Rapist in Toronto helped them understand the problem with victim blaming more clearly. In 1987, a man began attacking and raping young women as they got off buses at night. The police, frustrated by their inability to catch the perpetrator, made statements that essentially blamed women for the situation. They even suggested a curfew for women, rather than focusing on catching the criminal.
Karen's friend Paul shared a personal connection to this case. His mother had encountered the Scarborough Rapist (who was later revealed to be a serial killer) while swimming alone on her apartment building's roof. She hadn't done anything reckless; she was simply living her life, just like the women taking the bus at night.
This story helped Karen and Georgia realize that they had been guilty of victim blaming in their earlier approach. They learned that the best way to stop violent criminals isn't to suggest what potential victims can do differently, but to identify and address the behavior of perpetrators early on.
This shift in perspective has become a crucial part of their approach to discussing true crime on their podcast and in this book. They now focus on understanding the patterns and behaviors of criminals, rather than critiquing the actions of victims.
The Importance of Self-Care and Mental Health
Throughout the book, both Karen and Georgia emphasize the importance of self-care and maintaining good mental health. They challenge the popular notion of self-care as simply indulging in luxuries or following trendy health fads. Instead, they advocate for a more practical and sustainable approach to self-care.
For Karen, self-care means taking responsibility for one's problems with the support of therapy and close friends. She learned the hard way that constantly complaining about the same issues to everyone around her was not only ineffective but also damaging to her relationships. Through therapy, she discovered the value of reserving deep, personal conversations for a select few trusted individuals.
Georgia's lifelong experience with therapy has taught her that seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness but a proactive step towards better mental health. She encourages readers to view mental health diagnoses not as labels that define them, but as tools for understanding and improving themselves.
Both authors stress the importance of finding the right therapist, even if it takes some trial and error. They also highlight the value of having supportive friends who can provide honest feedback and encouragement.
Lessons in Personal Safety
While Karen and Georgia have moved away from giving specific safety advice to avoid victim blaming, they still emphasize the importance of being aware of one's surroundings and trusting one's instincts. Georgia's experience with Lawrence, the photographer who made her feel uncomfortable, serves as a cautionary tale about the importance of listening to one's gut feelings.
The authors encourage readers to prioritize their safety over politeness, a lesson Georgia learned through her involvement with the Riot Grrrl movement. They stress that it's okay to be rude or to leave a situation if you feel uncomfortable or threatened.
However, they also acknowledge that it's not always possible to act on these instincts, especially in high-pressure situations. They emphasize that failing to stand up for oneself in a frightening situation doesn't make someone responsible for another person's actions.
The Power of Friendship and Community
One of the most powerful themes in "Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered" is the importance of friendship and community. The book itself is a testament to the strength of Karen and Georgia's friendship, which blossomed from a chance meeting into a successful professional partnership and deep personal bond.
Their story illustrates how shared interests – even unconventional ones like true crime – can bring people together and form the basis for meaningful relationships. The success of their podcast has also created a community of "Murderinos" who share their fascination with true crime and support each other.
Both authors share stories of how their friends have supported them through difficult times and helped them grow. Karen's experience with her friend Laura, who gave her a much-needed reality check about her obsessive behavior, demonstrates the value of having friends who care enough to tell you hard truths.
Georgia's story about her father's support after her shoplifting incident highlights the importance of having a strong support system, especially during challenging times. This experience taught her the value of standing by friends and family even when they make mistakes.
Embracing Imperfection and Growth
Throughout the book, Karen and Georgia are refreshingly honest about their past mistakes and ongoing struggles. They don't present themselves as perfect role models but as flawed individuals who are continually learning and growing.
This approach encourages readers to embrace their own imperfections and view life as a journey of constant growth and self-improvement. The authors' willingness to share embarrassing or difficult moments from their pasts helps create a sense of connection with readers who may have had similar experiences.
Their stories demonstrate that it's possible to learn from past mistakes and use those lessons to build a better future. Whether it's Karen's realization about the importance of boundaries in friendships or Georgia's journey to self-acceptance through therapy, the book is filled with examples of how personal growth can lead to a more fulfilling life.
The Ethics of True Crime Fascination
As true crime enthusiasts, Karen and Georgia grapple with the ethical implications of their fascination throughout the book. They acknowledge the potential for true crime content to be exploitative or insensitive to victims and their families.
Their evolving approach to discussing true crime on their podcast reflects this awareness. By shifting away from victim blaming and focusing more on understanding criminal behavior, they aim to contribute positively to the true crime genre.
The authors also explore the reasons behind their fascination with true crime. For Georgia, it began as a way to confront her fears and feel more prepared for potential dangers. For Karen, it was part of a broader interest in understanding human behavior and psychology.
They encourage readers to approach true crime content with empathy and respect for the victims, while also recognizing the potential for these stories to teach valuable lessons about personal safety and societal issues.
Conclusion: Staying Sexy and Not Getting Murdered
"Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered" is more than just a catchy title; it's a philosophy that encapsulates the authors' approach to life. "Staying sexy" is about maintaining self-confidence, pursuing personal growth, and not letting fear hold you back. "Don't get murdered" represents the importance of staying aware, trusting your instincts, and prioritizing your safety and well-being.
Throughout the book, Karen and Georgia share personal stories, true crime anecdotes, and life lessons that all contribute to this overarching philosophy. They encourage readers to:
- Prioritize mental health and seek help when needed
- Build strong, supportive friendships
- Trust their instincts and prioritize personal safety
- Learn from mistakes and embrace personal growth
- Approach true crime with empathy and a critical eye
- Find humor and connection even in dark topics
By sharing their own journeys of self-discovery and growth, Karen and Georgia create a relatable and inspiring narrative that resonates with readers. Their honesty about their struggles and imperfections makes their success feel attainable, encouraging readers to pursue their own passions and personal growth.
Ultimately, "Stay Sexy & Don't Get Murdered" is a testament to the power of friendship, self-acceptance, and resilience. It's a guide to navigating the complexities of life with humor, empathy, and a healthy dose of true crime fascination. The book leaves readers feeling empowered to face their fears, pursue their passions, and build meaningful connections – all while staying sexy and not getting murdered.