Stop Self-Sabotage

Introduction

We've all been there: setting New Year's resolutions, promising ourselves that this time will be different, only to find ourselves falling back into old habits within weeks or even days. Whether it's sticking to a healthy diet, saving money, or pursuing a long-held dream, self-sabotage can be a frustrating and seemingly insurmountable obstacle. In her book "Stop Self-Sabotage," Dr. Judy Ho offers a practical, science-based approach to understanding and overcoming these self-defeating behaviors.

Drawing on years of clinical experience and extensive research, Dr. Ho presents a six-step method designed to help readers identify, address, and ultimately conquer their self-sabotaging tendencies. This book summary will walk you through each of these steps, providing key insights and practical exercises to help you start your journey towards lasting change.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

Before diving into the steps, it's crucial to understand the root causes of self-sabotage. Dr. Ho explains that these behaviors are often rooted in two fundamental survival skills: attaining rewards and avoiding threats. While these drives are essential for our survival, they can become problematic when they're out of balance.

Self-sabotage often occurs when our short-term desires conflict with our long-term goals. For example, the immediate reward of eating a delicious but unhealthy snack might override our long-term goal of maintaining a healthy diet. Similarly, the desire to avoid the discomfort of trying something new might prevent us from pursuing opportunities for growth and success.

With this understanding in mind, let's explore Dr. Ho's six-step method for overcoming self-sabotage.

Step 1: Tune Into Your Thinking

The first step in Dr. Ho's method is to become aware of the thoughts that drive self-sabotaging behaviors. She identifies six types of troublesome thinking patterns, or triggers, that often lead to self-sabotage:

1. Overgeneralizing/catastrophizing: This involves taking a single fact or event and drawing broad, often negative conclusions. For example, if a friend doesn't respond to a text message right away, you might jump to the conclusion that they're upset with you or don't value your friendship.

2. Shoulds-based thinking: This pattern involves rigid expectations about how things should be or how people should behave. You might think, "My friend should have replied to my text by now," without considering other factors that might be affecting their response time.

3. Black-and-white thinking: This type of thinking allows for only two possibilities, with no middle ground. If a colleague passes you in the hallway without saying hello, you might conclude that they're rude, rather than considering other explanations (like being deep in thought or in a hurry).

4. Mind reading: This involves assuming you know what others are thinking or feeling without any real evidence. For instance, if you don't get a promotion, you might assume it's because your boss doesn't appreciate your efforts, even if you haven't discussed the matter with them.

5. Discounting the positive: This pattern involves minimizing or ignoring positive aspects of yourself or your achievements. You might struggle to accept compliments or downplay your successes.

6. Personalization: This involves measuring yourself against others or taking things personally that may not be about you at all. Social media often exacerbates this type of thinking, as we compare our lives to the carefully curated images others present online.

To help identify which of these patterns you tend to fall into, Dr. Ho suggests a simple exercise:

1. Divide your next 24 waking hours into four equal blocks of time.
2. Set an alarm for each block.
3. When the alarm goes off, write down what you're thinking at that moment.
4. After completing all four notes, review them and see if any align with the six thinking patterns described above.
5. Repeat this exercise over several days to identify recurring patterns.

By becoming aware of your thought patterns, you're taking the first crucial step towards changing them.

Step 2: Shutting Down Triggering Thoughts

Once you've identified your problematic thinking patterns, the next step is to learn how to shut them down. Dr. Ho introduces the concept of the "event-thought-feeling-action" sequence to help understand how our thoughts lead to self-sabotaging behaviors.

Consider the example of Alice, who struggles with insecurity in relationships. When her boyfriend takes longer than usual to reply to a text, her mind immediately jumps to worst-case scenarios (overgeneralizing/catastrophizing). This leads to feelings of anxiety and insecurity, which in turn drive her to bombard her boyfriend with accusatory questions. Eventually, this behavior pushes her boyfriend away, reinforcing Alice's insecurities and perpetuating the cycle of self-sabotage.

To break this cycle, Dr. Ho suggests a technique called "deemphasizing." This practice helps create distance between you and your triggering thoughts, allowing you to respond more rationally. Here's how it works:

1. When you notice a triggering thought, reframe it by starting with "I am having the thought that..."
2. Add another layer of separation by saying, "I notice that I am having the thought that..."

For example, Alice could reframe her thought from "My boyfriend is cheating" to "I am having the thought that my boyfriend is cheating," and then to "I notice that I am having the thought that my boyfriend is cheating."

This technique creates degrees of separation between you and the thought, helping you to step back and observe your thoughts more objectively. It gives you a moment to pause and consider alternative explanations or responses, rather than immediately acting on your initial thought.

Step 3: Changing Your Old Ways

With a better understanding of your thought patterns, it's time to look more closely at your behaviors. Dr. Ho introduces the ABC model:

• A: Antecedents (events that happen before you act)
• B: Behaviors (your actions)
• C: Consequences (what happens as a result of your actions)

To illustrate this, let's consider the example of Janie, a chronic procrastinator. Her typical pattern might look like this:

• Antecedent: Janie receives a work assignment.
• Behavior: Instead of starting the project, Janie finds other tasks to occupy her time (cleaning, watching TV, etc.).
• Consequence: Janie has to work late, rushing to complete the project, often producing subpar work.

To apply the ABC model to your own life:

1. Start by identifying the long-term consequences you want to change.
2. Work backwards to identify the behaviors that lead to these consequences.
3. Look for short-term behaviors that might provide momentary satisfaction but contribute to the problem (like Janie's cleaning or TV watching).
4. Examine the antecedents. What situations or thoughts trigger these behaviors?

In Janie's case, she realized that her procrastination often stemmed from anxiety about criticism she had received on a previous project. By avoiding the work, she was temporarily avoiding the stress associated with these thoughts.

Once you've mapped out your ABCs, you can start to identify points where you can intervene. This might involve changing the antecedents (like Janie addressing her anxiety about criticism), modifying your behaviors, or finding new ways to achieve the positive aspects of the consequences without the negative ones.

Step 4: Going for the Goal

Now that you've identified your self-sabotaging patterns and started to develop strategies to change them, it's time to focus on your goals. Dr. Ho emphasizes the importance of both motivation and willpower in achieving your objectives.

To help build these crucial elements, she introduces a method that combines two established psychology techniques: mental contrasting and implementation intentions (MCII). Here's how to apply this method:

1. Mental Contrasting:

   • Start by clearly defining your goal.
   • Rate how likely you think you are to achieve this goal on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being most likely).
   • List all potential challenges or obstacles you might face.
   • After considering these challenges, reassess your likelihood of success.
   • If your new rating is below 7, consider adjusting your goal. You might need to change the timeline, modify the outcome, or break it down into smaller, more manageable steps.

2. Implementation Intentions:

   • For each challenge you identified, create a specific plan for how you'll overcome it.
   • Use an "if-then" format. For example, "If I feel tempted to procrastinate, then I will work on the project for just 15 minutes."
   • Be as specific as possible in your plans. The more detailed your strategy, the easier it will be to follow when you're faced with challenges.

This combined approach helps you to realistically assess your goals and prepare for potential obstacles. By having a clear plan in place, you're more likely to stay on track even when your motivation wavers or you encounter unexpected difficulties.

Step 5: Maintaining Your Focus

Even with a solid plan in place, it's normal to face moments of doubt or struggle as you work towards your goals. In these times, Dr. Ho suggests turning to your core values for guidance and motivation.

To help identify and clarify your values, try this exercise:

1. Make a list of 33 different values that are important to you. (If you're struggling to come up with ideas, a quick internet search can provide plenty of examples.)
2. Write each value on a separate index card.
3. Sort the cards into three equal piles: most important, medium importance, and least important.
4. Focus on the "most important" pile, which should contain your top 11 values.
5. From these 11, select your top 7 core values.

Once you've identified your core values, you can use them to guide your daily actions and keep you focused on your larger goals. Dr. Ho suggests assigning one value to each day of the week and setting a small goal or action related to that value.

For example, if one of your core values is "curiosity," you might assign it to Monday with the goal of learning something new each Monday. This could involve reading an article on a topic you're unfamiliar with, trying a new recipe, or striking up a conversation with someone you don't know well.

By aligning your daily actions with your core values, you create a sense of purpose and fulfillment that can help sustain your motivation over the long term. It also helps ensure that your short-term actions are consistently moving you towards your larger life goals.

Step 6: Crafting a Visual Plan

For the final step, Dr. Ho recommends creating a visual representation of your plan, which she calls a "blueprint for change." This visual aid ties together all the work you've done in the previous steps and serves as a powerful reminder of your goals and strategies.

Here's how to create your blueprint:

1. Start with a large poster board and a marker.
2. At the top of the board, draw five boxes and fill them with your top five values.
3. Below this, draw a larger, centered box. Write your specific, attainable goal from step 4 in this box.
4. Draw lines connecting your goal to the relevant values above. This helps ensure your goal aligns with your core values.
5. At the bottom of the board, draw four circles labeled L.I.F.E.:
   • L: Low or unsteady self-esteem
   • I: Internalized beliefs
   • F: Fear of unknowns
   • E: Excessive desire to control situations If any of these resonate with you, make a note in the corresponding circle.
6. On the left side of the board, draw a slim vertical rectangle. Use this to note your typical thinking patterns and feelings from steps 1 and 2.
7. To the right of this rectangle, draw four boxes in a 2x2 grid:
   • In the top left box, write your plans for overcoming challenges (from step 4).
   • In the top right box, note the new consequences that will result from following these plans.
   • In the bottom left box, write your old behaviors.
   • In the bottom right box, note the old consequences of these behaviors.
8. Draw arrows connecting your thinking patterns (in the slim rectangle) to all four boxes.
9. Finally, draw an arrow from the "new consequences" box to your goal box at the top.

This visual representation provides a clear, at-a-glance summary of your journey from self-sabotage to success. It shows how your thoughts lead to behaviors, how those behaviors result in consequences, and how your new strategies will lead you towards your goal. Keep this blueprint somewhere visible as a daily reminder of your plan and your commitment to change.

Putting It All Together

Dr. Ho's six-step method provides a comprehensive approach to overcoming self-sabotage:

1. Tune into your thinking: Become aware of the thought patterns that drive your self-sabotaging behaviors.
2. Shut down triggering thoughts: Learn techniques to create distance from unhelpful thoughts and respond more rationally.
3. Change your old ways: Analyze your behaviors using the ABC model and identify points for intervention.
4. Go for the goal: Use mental contrasting and implementation intentions to set realistic goals and prepare for challenges.
5. Maintain your focus: Align your daily actions with your core values to sustain motivation.
6. Craft a visual plan: Create a "blueprint for change" that ties together all aspects of your strategy.

By following these steps, you can break free from self-sabotaging patterns and create lasting change in your life. Remember, overcoming self-sabotage is a process, and it's normal to face setbacks along the way. The key is to persist, learn from your experiences, and keep moving forward.

Final Thoughts

"Stop Self-Sabotage" offers a practical, step-by-step approach to understanding and overcoming the behaviors that hold us back from achieving our goals. Dr. Ho's method combines insights from psychology with actionable strategies, providing readers with the tools they need to make lasting changes in their lives.

One of the strengths of this approach is its flexibility. While the steps are presented in a specific order, the techniques and exercises can be adapted to suit individual needs and circumstances. Whether you're dealing with procrastination, relationship issues, career challenges, or any other form of self-sabotage, these strategies can be tailored to your specific situation.

It's also worth noting that overcoming self-sabotage is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process. As you work through these steps, you may find that you need to revisit certain strategies or adjust your approach over time. This is perfectly normal and is, in fact, a sign of growth and self-awareness.

Remember that change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself as you work through these steps, and celebrate your progress along the way. Even small changes can lead to significant improvements over time.

Ultimately, the goal of this process is not just to stop self-sabotage, but to create a life that aligns with your values and aspirations. By becoming more aware of your thoughts and behaviors, developing strategies to overcome challenges, and staying focused on your goals, you're not just avoiding negative patterns – you're actively creating the life you want to live.

So, whether you're looking to break a specific self-sabotaging habit or seeking overall personal growth, Dr. Ho's method provides a roadmap for positive change. With persistence and practice, you can overcome self-sabotage and unlock your full potential.