The Defining Decade

Your twenties are your defining decade, shaping your future self in ways you're only beginning to realize.

1. Jobs in your twenties build your identity capital

The roles you take in your twenties don’t just pay the bills – they help you build what Meg Jay calls "identity capital." This is the collection of skills, experiences, and personal traits that make you unique and marketable to future employers. Conventional credentials like degrees are part of identity capital, but life experience and personality traits that you develop through unique jobs also matter.

For example, an unconventional job, such as translating comic books or working as a canoe instructor for troubled teens, offers experiences that make you stand out. These roles provide skills, broaden your perspective, and give employers a reason to take notice. Beyond formal qualifications, your ability to adapt, solve problems, and share your story is what helps you thrive in your career.

However, there’s a balance to be maintained. Long stretches of underemployment, such as walking dogs after earning a PhD, could negatively affect your motivation and how future employers perceive you. To avoid this, opt for opportunities that help you grow, even if they don’t perfectly align with your dream career.

Examples

• A comic-book translator who learned to manage deadlines and handle creative discussions later landed a leadership role in publishing.
• A fresh college graduate who coached teens gained confidence and communication skills, improving her chances at a teaching career.
• Research-backed findings show that underemployment leads to more depression and less motivation than unemployment.

2. Early career decisions shape long-term earnings

Your twenties are a formative time for earning power, as two-thirds of lifetime salary growth typically happens in the first decade of your career. By starting early, you're more likely to hit your peak earning potential in your 40s. Waiting too long to make progress leaves little room to catch up later.

Salaries tend to plateau after a certain point, particularly for those who delay serious career moves. Late-starters may also face a lack of flexibility in their 30s and 40s, making career pivots more difficult due to added responsibilities such as children or mortgages. Starting now gives you freedom to experiment and find what works.

Committing to a career path in your twenties offers another advantage: it allows you to chase opportunities like studying abroad, training for a promotion, or relocating for a perfect job. These might not be practical later in life due to family obligations or financial constraints.

Examples

• A twentysomething who moves abroad for a tech job finds exponential growth by their mid-30s compared to a peer who stays in a stable but unchallenging role.
• Census Bureau data reveals wage growth is concentrated in the early years, with salaries leveling off by the 40s.
• Flexible twentysomethings look at unconventional paths, such as advanced degrees, while 30-something peers tied to loans and families cannot.

3. Weak ties can create strong opportunities

The people who know you least, or "weak ties," are often the ones who open unexpected doors in your career. These connections differ from your close circle of friends and family. They have access to networks and opportunities outside your immediate sphere, which can prove valuable.

Weak ties push you beyond your comfort zone, requiring you to connect meaningfully and share what you bring to the table. A simple favor request is often the first step, as it shows genuine interest without overstepping boundaries. Meg Jay shares how these small interactions build trust over time.

The "Benjamin Franklin Effect," where doing a small favor for someone fosters mutual goodwill, demonstrates why it’s worth reaching out even to near-strangers. Treating a weak tie as important helps you gain professional and personal momentum.

Examples

• Researching someone beforehand and politely asking them about job openings kindly piques their interest.
• A young professional secures a job after a weak tie introduces them during a party.
• Franklin borrowing a book from a legislator built their camaraderie and enabled fruitful exchanges later.

4. Too many choices can lead to indecision

A common message for twentysomethings is, "You can do anything!" But endless possibilities often feel more paralyzing than freeing. Like choosing from too many jams in a store, excessive options can prevent decision-making altogether, leaving you overwhelmed and adrift.

Recognizing that options are limited helps narrow the focus and make clear-headed decisions. Clarifying your personal and professional goals helps cut through the noise of possibility. Often, deep down – in what Jay calls the "unthought known" – people are vaguely aware of what they want but suppress this clarity due to fear of failure or lack of direction.

Facing this fear directly rather than burying it is critical. For instance, confronting a specific aspiration and researching practical first steps makes the pursuit less daunting than being paralyzed by general uncertainty.

Examples

• Psychologists show how more choices reduce satisfaction, even when you “pick the best option.”
• A young person dreaming of working in politics stops avoiding decisions and internships, leading to gradual steps toward their ideal career.
• Early-life authors, musicians, and entrepreneurs specify limited paths early rather than dabbling endlessly.

5. Relationships deserve careful thought early on

Romantic relationships need just as much attention and planning as careers. Most twentysomethings are likely to date, and often marry, someone they’ll meet during this decade. When choosing a partner, it’s wise to think about shared goals, values, and compatibility.

Unlike job changes, leaving a marriage is more complex due to financial, emotional, and familial entanglements. Living together before marriage, though common, isn’t as helpful in reducing divorce risk as many people think. It often leads to sliding into decisions without considering long-term compatibility.

It’s important to ensure that your goals align with your partner’s, whether it’s related to kids, finances, or lifestyles. Invest similar energy into choosing a partner as you would into planning your dream job.

Examples

• Two-thirds of couples who live together before marrying report less satisfaction than those who don’t.
• Couples who share visions, like being outdoorsy or artistic together, report higher overall happiness.
• A twentysomething thinking more critically about dates reduces mismatched relationships.

6. Marriage doesn't automatically improve with age

Contrary to popular belief, delaying marriage doesn’t always create stronger unions. Aiming to wait for the "perfect moment" can backfire, especially if decisions are rushed later under the "Age Thirty Deadline."

Marrying later in a panic instead of carefully can cause more mismatched relationships. Additionally, those who delay commitment by casually cohabiting often slide into marriage instead of actively choosing a lifelong partner. This lack of clarity adds tension to the relationship over time.

Your twenties are an ideal period to gauge what you want without the anxieties of rushing. Instead of postponing love for experience, balance relationship goals with personal growth.

Examples

• Roughly 40% of marriages continue to end in divorce even as average first-marriage ages rise.
• Cohabiting couples often marry without considering underlying compatibility concerns.
• Many rushed unions leading up to 30s end less successfully than thoughtful earlier ones.

7. Decision-making skills develop with use

The ability to handle tough decisions isn’t innate – it grows with practice. The part of the brain responsible for decision-making, the frontal lobe, completes its development in your twenties. Using this time to tackle new experiences strengthens it further.

Avoiding uncertainty delays growth. Instead, embracing opportunities boldly – moving cities, changing industries, or adapting to new responsibilities – accelerates learning. The twenties are a unique time when the brain is primed to absorb skills rapidly.

By taking more responsibility and risks early on, you prepare your brain to approach change and challenges effectively for years to come.

Examples

• A twentysomething intern stepping into unexpected leadership responsibilities finds herself tackling pressure skillfully.
• Scientists report brain elasticity is strongest in teen-to-twenties years, ideal for coding, languages, or negotiation skills.
• Major decision-makers often report confusion from skipped preparation years between 20 and 30.

8. Stay in control of emotions to succeed

In your twenties, emotions like doubt or worry can feel overwhelming. That’s because the emotional brain develops faster than the rational one, creating a mismatch that reinforces fear of failure. Still, being aware of feelings and regulating them leads to steadier progress.

Frame situations with facts rather than emotional overreaction. Keep perspective by addressing what’s manageable rather than catastrophizing small setbacks. Cultivating a growth mind-set – knowing that effort and learning determine outcomes – keeps you motivated.

Growth-oriented people embrace challenges and avoid being trapped by self-imposed limits. Whether learning on the job or facing rejection, these experiences build resilience needed for a fulfilling life.

Examples

• A reflective trick like listing good and bad factual outcomes manages heated conflicts better than impulsive arguments.
• Twentysomethings embracing challenges quickly adjust to being trainees or entry-level workers.
• Fixed-mindset undergraduates fall behind when results don’t reflect instant perfection.

9. Family planning decisions shouldn't wait forever

Many twentysomethings don’t think about starting a family until their thirties, but delaying this decision can complicate matters. Women’s fertility gradually declines in their thirties, making conception more difficult and stressful as time passes.

Rushing pregnancies due to biological constraints puts additional strain on relationships and finances. Furthermore, when late pregnancies collide with caring for aging parents, the emotional and logistical burdens increase.

Planning ahead reduces uncertainty and keeps stress levels manageable. Considering family goals early on helps create a smoother transition into these life phases.

Examples

• Female fertility peaks before 30; struggles to conceive increase steeply after 35.
• Babies born under pressure-related plans often bear the brunt of parental tensions.
• Delayed parenthood stresses couples juggling late-teen kids alongside retirement-age support roles.

Takeaways

1. Prioritize personal development in your twenties by taking meaningful jobs and learning decision-making skills.
2. Treat relationships with the same focus and care as careers, balancing emotional wants with shared future goals.
3. Take family planning deadlines seriously and aim for balance instead of deferring all big life decisions to the last moment.