The Managed Heart Summary

How do we manage our emotions to meet societal expectations, and what does it cost us in the process?

1. Emotional Labor: The Hidden Work We All Do

Emotional labor is the act of managing emotions to fit the expectations of a social or professional setting. It’s not just about suppressing feelings but actively creating the right emotional display for the situation. This type of work is often invisible, yet it’s a key part of many jobs and relationships.

For example, flight attendants are trained to smile warmly and maintain a cheerful demeanor, even when dealing with difficult passengers. Their emotional labor ensures passengers feel comfortable and cared for, which benefits the airline’s reputation. Similarly, customer service workers are expected to stay calm and polite, even when facing rude or angry customers.

This kind of emotional work isn’t limited to professional settings. In personal relationships, people often manage their emotions to avoid conflict or to support others. Whether it’s comforting a friend or pretending to enjoy a family gathering, emotional labor is a constant, though often unacknowledged, part of life.

Examples

• Flight attendants smiling and making small talk with passengers.
• Customer service workers staying polite despite being yelled at.
• A friend pretending to be excited about a party they don’t want to attend.

2. Emotions as Signals of Inner Truth

Our emotions often reveal deeper truths about our relationships and priorities. They act as signals, showing us what matters most to us, even when we’re not fully aware of it.

Take the example of a student who dreads hosting a party with an old friend. Their reluctance signals that the friendship may no longer hold the same value. Similarly, someone who feels relief rather than guilt after canceling plans might be acknowledging an unspoken truth about their feelings toward the other person.

However, societal rules about how we should feel often clash with these inner signals. For instance, we might feel guilty for not being sad enough when saying goodbye to a loved one or for feeling happy when we’re “supposed” to be upset. These conflicts highlight the tension between our authentic emotions and the expectations placed on us.

Examples

• A student feeling relieved after canceling a party with an old friend.
• A person forcing themselves to act sad when their partner leaves for a trip.
• Feeling guilty for not being as excited as others expect you to be.

3. Feelings as Currency in Social Exchanges

Emotions often function as a form of currency in our interactions, where displays of gratitude, kindness, or enthusiasm are exchanged for favors or support. This exchange is shaped by power dynamics and social expectations.

For instance, a junior employee might thank a senior colleague profusely for their guidance, “paying” for the help with emotional expressions. Over time, if the senior colleague feels overburdened, the emotional “cost” of their help increases, and the junior employee may feel pressured to offer more exaggerated displays of gratitude.

This dynamic is especially pronounced in hierarchical relationships, where those with less power often feel obligated to offer more emotional labor. The imbalance can lead to exploitation, as the emotional work of those in lower positions is often taken for granted.

Examples

• An intern thanking a senior colleague excessively for their time.
• A friend feeling obligated to act overly grateful for a small favor.
• A subordinate maintaining a cheerful demeanor despite being mistreated by a boss.

4. Women Bear the Burden of Emotional Labor

Women are expected to perform more emotional labor than men, both at work and in personal relationships. This expectation stems from traditional gender roles and societal norms that associate women with caregiving and emotional support.

For example, mothers often take on the responsibility of organizing family events, remembering birthdays, and maintaining social connections. In the workplace, women are more likely to be in roles that require emotional labor, such as teaching, nursing, or customer service.

Studies show that women are also more likely to use emotions strategically to influence others, often as a way to navigate power imbalances. This additional emotional work can be exhausting and reinforces existing inequalities between men and women.

Examples

• Mothers managing family schedules and social obligations.
• Women in customer service roles maintaining a friendly demeanor.
• A woman using emotional appeals to get her needs met in a relationship.

5. The Double Standard in Emotional Expression

Women’s emotions are often dismissed or judged more harshly than men’s. When women express anger or frustration, they are seen as irrational or overly emotional, while men displaying the same emotions are often perceived as strong or passionate.

This double standard extends to professional settings, where women’s opinions are more likely to be ignored or undervalued. For instance, studies show that doctors are less likely to take women’s complaints about pain seriously compared to men’s.

This bias not only undermines women’s credibility but also forces them to carefully manage their emotions to avoid being dismissed. The result is an additional layer of emotional labor that men are less likely to experience.

Examples

• A woman’s anger being labeled as irrational, while a man’s is seen as assertive.
• Female patients receiving less medical attention for the same symptoms as male patients.
• Women in leadership roles being criticized for being “too emotional.”

6. Emotional Labor in the Workplace

Jobs that require emotional labor are often undervalued and underpaid, despite the significant effort they demand. These roles are disproportionately filled by women, reflecting broader patterns of inequality in the labor market.

For example, flight attendants, nurses, and teachers are expected to manage their emotions to create positive experiences for others. This work is essential but often goes unrecognized, both in terms of pay and professional respect.

The undervaluation of emotional labor contributes to the gender pay gap and reinforces stereotypes about women’s roles in society. Recognizing the importance of this work is a step toward addressing these inequalities.

Examples

• Flight attendants maintaining a cheerful demeanor during long flights.
• Nurses providing emotional support to patients and their families.
• Teachers managing classroom dynamics while staying patient and encouraging.

7. The Emotional Costs of Power Imbalances

Power dynamics shape the emotional labor we perform, with those in lower positions often bearing the brunt of the work. This imbalance can lead to resentment and burnout, as the emotional demands placed on individuals exceed their capacity.

For instance, employees in customer-facing roles are expected to remain polite and accommodating, even when dealing with difficult customers. In personal relationships, those with less power may feel obligated to suppress their emotions to avoid conflict or to please others.

Addressing these imbalances requires acknowledging the emotional work being done and creating more equitable relationships, both at work and in our personal lives.

Examples

• Customer service workers dealing with rude customers.
• A partner in a relationship suppressing their feelings to avoid conflict.
• Employees feeling pressured to act cheerful despite workplace stress.

8. Emotional Labor and Authority

Women in positions of authority face unique challenges when it comes to emotional labor. They are expected to enforce rules and maintain order while also being warm and approachable. This dual expectation can create conflicts and undermine their authority.

For example, female flight attendants must ensure passengers follow safety regulations while also providing a pleasant experience. This balancing act is more difficult for women, as their authority is often questioned or dismissed.

These challenges highlight the need for greater awareness of the emotional labor required in leadership roles and the biases that women face in these positions.

Examples

• Female managers being expected to be both firm and nurturing.
• Flight attendants enforcing rules while staying friendly.
• Women in leadership roles facing resistance from colleagues or subordinates.

9. Recognizing and Valuing Emotional Labor

Emotional labor is a vital part of our lives, yet it often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Recognizing this work is the first step toward valuing it and addressing the inequalities it creates.

By understanding the emotional labor involved in different roles and relationships, we can develop greater empathy for others and create more supportive environments. This includes acknowledging the additional burden placed on women and working to share emotional responsibilities more equitably.

Valuing emotional labor also means advocating for fair compensation and recognition for those in roles that require it, both in the workplace and beyond.

Examples

• Acknowledging the emotional work done by customer service workers.
• Sharing emotional responsibilities in personal relationships.
• Advocating for better pay and recognition for jobs requiring emotional labor.

Takeaways

1. Acknowledge the emotional labor others perform, whether at work or in personal relationships, and express gratitude for their efforts.
2. Share emotional responsibilities more equitably, especially in relationships and family settings, to reduce the burden on women.
3. Advocate for fair compensation and recognition for jobs that require significant emotional labor, such as customer service and caregiving roles.